The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  Lainey looked at him in awe. ‘I can’t believe you’ve done all this groundwork.’

  ‘I was worried you might be upset with me,’ he said. ‘It’s literally just an option that we can keep in the back of our minds. Adoption can take years and years, while this would be so much quicker. When you said you felt like you’d cheated me, it tore my heart apart. I’m not suggesting this because I think you’ve done me out of more kids,’ he said. ‘But I think we’d be crazy not to look at our options before it’s too late, that’s all.’

  ‘And if we opted for surrogacy, you would be the baby’s biological father,’ Lainey finished. ‘So the baby would be Ely’s brother or sister.’

  Lainey sat and stared into space. This was such a massive thing to take on board, but instantly she felt something sparking in her heart . . . Hope.

  ‘Obviously we need to talk about this lots more,’ Lainey said. ‘But I love this idea.’

  ‘You do?’ Matt looked so incredibly relived Lainey had to grab his ears and kiss him on the lips.

  ‘Matt, imagine if we could have a brother or sister for Ely after all!’

  ‘It could even be twins,’ he said. ‘If we opt to have more than one embryo implanted, we could have two babies.’

  ‘Oh my God.’

  Matt went on to explain that he’d been in contact with the clinic and should they wish to go ahead, they could travel to America at the end of January to get started.

  ‘That soon?’ Lainey said, eyes shining.

  ‘I know that may feel dreadfully rushed,’ Matt was quick to point out. ‘But I figured if we decide to go down this road – and that’s a big if . . . What’s the point in waiting around? We were chatting about trying for another baby when you got sick. So if a natural pregnancy had happened, that’s where we’d be right now.’

  Deciding they would keep it to themselves for the moment, the couple hugged as if their lives depended on it.

  ‘I have such an amazing feeling about this,’ she said. ‘I might have to tell Jules though,’ she said. ‘I can’t tell nobody . . .’

  He kissed her and got up to begin his day. As she walked down into the kitchen, Lainey flicked on the radio. She thought the music sounded more cheerful, the decorations they’d started to put up for Christmas were brighter and the atmosphere was electric. As Christmas drew ever closer, Lainey felt sure that she and Matt were headed for a lot of excitement in the coming year. From here on in, Lainey intended making each and every Christmas count. Now she was more determined than ever to make this one extra special for Ely. After all it could be his last one alone before he became a big brother.

  Instinctively she grabbed the phone and called Jules.

  ‘No way!’ Jules said squealing with delight. ‘Oh that is just the most inspired idea, Lainz. Matt is so clever. Good for him for going off and being proactive.’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘He’s such a good man, isn’t he? I was being such a bitch and he says he really wanted to try and fix it all. We’ve agreed to think about it, but I honestly feel it’s the most brilliant idea ever!’

  ‘Oh I agree,’ said Jules.

  ‘So it’s top secret for now,’ Lainey reiterated. ‘We’re not telling the family until we’re certain.’

  ‘I hear ya. Mum’s the word!’

  Feeling the day simply couldn’t get any better, Lainey was surprised when the landline rang the second she put it down.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Lainey, it’s Mum.’

  ‘Hi, how are you?’

  ‘I’m well. Can you come over to Huntersbrook, please?’

  Intrigued, Lainey pulled on a coat and made her way across. Jacob had taken Ely to his new favourite haunt – the indoor play area. It had been a resounding success the week before and Jacob had thoroughly enjoyed the other grandparents’ company. So Lainey had the morning off.

  As she walked into the kitchen at Huntersbrook, she was met with a glassy-eyed Holly.

  ‘What the?’

  ‘Look,’ Holly said eagerly. ‘It’s us. You and me. We did have a relationship when you were a baby. See!’

  Lainey pulled off her coat and began to sift through the albums and photographs her mother had unearthed. There were dozens of them. Some had Lainey gazing up at Holly and so many showed Holly kissing her baby’s head and face.

  ‘These are lovely,’ Lainey said, stroking one showing her, Holly and Grandma. ‘Mum, thank you for doing this.’

  ‘It was for me just as much as you,’ Holly admitted. ‘I needed to know that I’d been some sort of a mother to you. I hated myself for thinking I’d never even tried. What scares me, Lainey, is that I don’t remember much of this time. It all seemed like a big foggy mess.’

  ‘I’m guessing it was.’

  ‘You know, when I look at these it brings me back to that time. I remember standing in your room one morning. You couldn’t have been more than a month old. You were crying with your arms flailing and you wanted to be fed. It was as if my feet were glued to the carpet. I longed to rush and pick you up. I knew that it would stop your tears. But I couldn’t do it. Mummy barged past at high speed and grabbed you.’

  ‘Did she make you feel bad for not being able to do it?’

  ‘Oddly enough, no. She simply got on with it and allowed me to be in that no-man’s-land. She did what she thought was best. But it was soul-destroying. I felt like I’d been wrapped in a thick coating of Clingfilm. I was in a horrible, lonely bubble where feelings couldn’t penetrate.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how you must’ve struggled.’

  ‘I wanted to feel something . . . Anything . . . Pain or pleasure. I wasn’t actually fussy which one. But it was all . . . beige.’

  ‘And when you had Joey it was different?’

  ‘Only after two weeks. I went to the doctor and got medication. Slowly the fog cleared and I began to feel emotions once more.’

  ‘And by then Grandma and I were a little twosome?’

  ‘Yes. I had Joey and your father. Mummy had you. They were the teams and it seemed fair. Lainey, you’ve got to believe me. There was no malice in any of it. I did my best.’

  Lainey suddenly thought of how she’d been feeling these past weeks. She’d been a dragon. She’d thundered about acting whatever way she saw fit.

  ‘We’re not that different, Mum,’ she admitted. ‘I’m not great at controlling my emotions. I need to learn some emotional manners actually.’

  ‘You and me both, love . . . Let’s not waste this second chance. Because that’s what we’ve been given, you know?’

  ‘I know, Mum.’

  ‘I have so many regrets about Mummy. The year she went to Australia . . . When she was battling cancer. I poisoned you all against her. I led the movement that dictated her punishment. Sadie was the only one who remained loyal.’

  ‘Did I hear you taking my name in vain?’ Sadie asked as she bustled through the door.

  ‘Hello Sadie,’ Holly said. ‘I was just saying you stood by Mummy when we all turned our backs on her.’

  Sadie looked at the photos and smiled.

  ‘I had a very good reason for that,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘Lainey knows. I told her while she was in hospital. But Maggie was my saviour once upon a time.’

  ‘Why, because she employed you?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Not only that. She helped me when I returned from the mother and baby home after the nuns took my daughter.’

  ‘What?’ Holly’s face drained of colour. ‘Sadie, I had no idea.’

  ‘No, pet. Nor did I want you to. It was better that way. Or so I thought. In those days talking wasn’t allowed. We were to brush all our problems under the carpet and never speak of them again. It’s not healthy. It doesn’t work and it only compacts the damage.’

  They talked about Sadie’s situation and how she’d suffered for years. How she’d never stopped thinking of Elizabeth and how Maggie had minded her.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell us Mummy was sick?’
Holly asked.

  ‘She asked me not to,’ Sadie said. ‘I asked her not to tell people about Elizabeth and she didn’t. I owed her.’

  ‘We need to learn from this, Lainey,’ Holly said firmly. ‘No more secrets and no more lies. We have to be open with one another from here on in. We need to make sure that we don’t find ourselves on our death beds with regrets.’

  ‘Maggie would be so proud of you both,’ Sadie said. ‘You’re doing the strong, brave and positive thing here. It’s easier to bury things and never go back. Trying again is hard, but I’ve no doubt you’ll both come out of this feeling even happier than you do now.’

  Holly

  THE DAY OF JODI’S WEDDING DAWNED. THE BUZZ about the house was fabulous and Holly couldn’t wait to see the star in her gown. By all accounts it was utterly breathtaking. She and Pippa seemed to have formed a genuine friendship that was doing her youngest daughter the world of good. Needless to say, it was a marvellous thrill for her to have a famous friend, but Holly was pleasantly surprised. When Pippa oozed ‘Jodi says this’ or ‘Jodi thinks that’, it was always incredibly sound advice.

  ‘For a young Hollywood star that girl has a sensible head on her shoulders,’ Paddy commented. ‘She’s the best influence our Pippa could have.’

  ‘I agree,’ Holly said. ‘It seems being ambitious and not acting the maggot has suddenly been made cool by Ms Ludlum! Who’d have thought it?’

  Holly was delighted as Joey and Lainey helped her roll out her special red carpet.

  ‘Mum, it’s amazing,’ Lainey giggled. ‘I can’t say I loved the idea in the beginning, but it’s so festive and pretty, I don’t see how Jodi and Harry won’t love it.’

  ‘I like to think it’s a little bit of Hollywood right here in Wicklow!’

  Paddy set out the chairs for the ceremony and Holly hung the large pomanders, made from grapefruits, on the side of each one.

  ‘The smell from those is divine,’ Lainey said. ‘Nice touch with adding a tiny silk holly leaf to match the red carpet.’

  ‘It’s cute, isn’t it?’ Holly said standing back to admire her work.

  The sound of voices coming from the staircase made Holly look up. Jodi’s younger brother Tommy had arrived the day before with his wife and child. He and Harry seemed to bond instantly and Jodi had taken a management decision to stay at her own cottage the night before the wedding.

  ‘You boys go to Huntersbrook and I’ll see you when I walk down the aisle.’

  Tommy was giving Jodi away but she was insisting on arriving in her Mini.

  Darius and his agent were checking in today along with Jodi’s agent and a small group of friends.

  ‘Morning, folks,’ Tommy said. ‘We had a great sleep thank goodness. I was terrified we’d be like zombies at the wedding today.’

  ‘Must be the country air,’ Holly said. ‘Come on into the kitchen and Sadie will look after you. Can I interest you all in a full Irish?’

  Tommy looked at his wife Maisy and she nodded eagerly. Sadie was thrilled to have people to fuss over. Tommy’s three-year-old boy Liam was a little character too.

  ‘Dad says it’s always cold here at Christmas time,’ he said squinting up at Holly. ‘Is that true?’

  ‘Sure is,’ she said. ‘Where you live it’s summer now, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, and we go to the beach instead of wearing coats.’

  ‘I hope you’ll enjoy your Irish Christmas. We love it in this house and Santa loves stopping here.’

  ‘Ah good on ya,’ he said, making Holly laugh.

  Ely was very pleased to see another little person and tagged after Liam like a lost puppy.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind Ely being your friend,’ Lainey said as she stooped to talk to Liam. ‘You’re a big boy so he’s very excited to see you.’

  ‘I love making friends, don’t I, Dad.’

  ‘Liam is Mr Outgoing,’ Tommy confirmed.

  ‘He chats to everyone he meets,’ Maisy said with a grin. ‘Come on Ely, mate, why don’t you have brekkie with us?’

  Much to Lainey’s delight, Ely took her hand and sat at the table.

  ‘I’ll keep an eye,’ Sadie said.

  Holly and Lainey went back to finish the last minute bits and pieces in the hall before moving to the dining room.

  ‘I think I’ll wait a while before lighting the scented candles,’ Holly said over her shoulder as Lainey laid an ornate Christmas cracker at each side plate.

  ‘Good plan,’ Lainey said. ‘Mum, could I ask your advice on something?’

  ‘Of course,’ Holly said, pausing and expecting her to ask about a garnish or something menial.

  Nothing would have prepared her for what Lainey actually came out with. As she explained about the egg donation and the surrogacy, Holly was astonished.

  ‘And it’s really as easy as that? You go to America and it’s all organised?’

  ‘So it seems,’ Lainey said. ‘Matt and I have talked about nothing else since last week. Obviously the baby or babies if there are twins, will have no biological link to me. But Matt will be their dad.’

  ‘And you don’t have a problem with that?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Well the only other option would be adoption and obviously I’d have no biological link to that child either.’

  ‘Being devil’s advocate here. Would it be easier if you adopted and neither of you had any claim on the baby? It might even out the playing field more?’

  ‘I can’t imagine not loving any baby I’m given,’ Lainey said as her eyes became glassy with tears. ‘But if Matt is the father and I’m going to be the mum, literally from the day it’s born, how could I go wrong? I don’t want Ely to be on his own. If we have the opportunity to do this, I know I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t grasp it with both hands.’

  ‘How will you afford it?’

  ‘That’s the thing,’ she said. ‘Jacob has money tucked away. It was meant to be for Matt’s wedding.’

  ‘But we had it here and your father wouldn’t let him pay for so much as a bread roll,’ Holly finished.

  ‘Precisely. Jacob told Matt about the money and brought it up again while I was in hospital. He says it’s there for us should we need it. Would it be wrong to accept his money, Mum?’

  Holly walked over and tucked Lainey’s hair behind her ear. ‘Dad and I would go to the ends of the earth for all of you. Matt is Jacob’s only son, so I would imagine he would lay down on a railway track for him. If we had the money we’d give it to you in a heartbeat too and we’d hope you’d accept it.’

  The sound of Ely calling sent Lainey running. Holly straightened the table and looked at the room one last time. It looked incredibly festive with the crackers and poinsettia plants crowded onto the sideboard. Holly couldn’t wait to hear the room filled with laughter. Once the wedding was over, they’d set it all up afresh for Christmas Day.

  The idea of Lainey and Matt doing this surrogacy thing was a little shocking. Holly wished she didn’t find it jarring, but she did. She’d get used to it though. Just like emails, smart phones, internet shopping and turning her childhood home into a venue. Holly would get it all set in her head and learn to accept it with time.

  The thought of more babies joining their family was wonderful. Huntersbrook was only as sound as the family that inhabited her. She knew only too well how difficult it was growing up without siblings. In her heart of hearts, Holly would prefer if that didn’t happen to little Ely.

  Humming as she walked, Holly felt wonderfully privileged that Lainey had chosen to speak to her first. Pippa and Joey had always come to her with things over the years. But this was Lainey’s first time and, boy, had she chosen a massive thing to discuss! Holly put her own reservations on the subject aside and focused on the positive side. She came to the conclusion that if it meant Matt and Lainey could extend their family, then it must be a marvellous thing.

  Skye was sitting in the living room being entertained by Ely and Liam. The litt
le Australian boy was hilarious. He was telling Skye all sorts of things she honestly didn’t need to know.

  ‘Then my Daddy goes about the house with no shorts on and my Mum tells him he’s going to have his winky bitten off by a crock.’

  ‘Let’s talk about Santa,’ Skye suggested as she stifled a giggle.

  ‘Santa!’ Ely said clapping.

  ‘Why are you fat in your belly?’ Liam asked staring at her bump.

  ‘Because there’s a baby in there,’ she explained.

  ‘How will it get out?’ Liam asked looking really dubious.

  ‘I’ll go to the hospital and they’ll help me take it out,’ she said.

  ‘Will they use a tin opener?’

  ‘I don’t think so, but it’ll be very exciting.’

  ‘Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?’

  ‘We don’t know, Liam. We were going to ask the doctor to tell us but the baby was lying in a funny way so they couldn’t see.’

  ‘Did the doctor look down your mouth and see the baby?’

  Lainey followed the giggles. Ely was sitting with his thumb in his mouth listening to all the chatter.

  ‘Ely’s having the best time,’ Skye said. ‘The two of them are so cute. Liam chats away and Ely gazes at him in such awe, he’d have you believe he’s related to Spiderman.’

  ‘It’ll be lovely for him when your little one appears,’ Lainey said easily. ‘They’ll keep one another company.’

  Pippa was dressed and ready for Jodi’s wedding. Although the family had said they’d join her for a drink afterwards, they were all very much in work mode for the day. Just as she was closing her Swarovski crystal choker around her neck, Danny appeared. They were staying the night at the farmhouse.

  ‘You look . . . like my pretty Pippa,’ said Danny as he staggered over to give her a hug.

  ‘Ugh, you stink. Where on earth were you walking, you’re covered in some sort of black stuff.’

  ‘I went for miles up the back of the top fields. It was gorgeous.’

  ‘Well you look like you went for a roll in a cow pat,’ she laughed. ‘Get your ass into the shower and smarten yourself up or you can’t come next, nigh or near Jodi’s wedding.’