Remember Me Always

by Renee Collins

  Enough despair and agony have been waded through. I’m sick of it. The only pain that really matters doesn’t belong to me. And it is my responsibility to help deal with that.

  As the sun pushes onto the horizon, I know what I have to do.

  • • •

  The Drakes’ home rests in one of the oldest neighborhoods of Orchardview, hidden among the farmlands and shaded with large trees. As I pull my car in front of their neatly trimmed yard, the panic returns, as I knew it would. But I also know that facing Edmund’s widow is the only way to stop it.

  No more running.

  I bend over, breathing slowly, trying to calm down. It takes me nearly a half hour, but my hands finally stop shaking, and I can breathe evenly. My legs seem unsteady as I walk up to the front door, but I ignore it.

  My fist hovers over the dark blue wood door for a moment before I gather the strength to knock. A woman’s voice murmurs from the other side. I nearly run. But I hold onto the pain. I make that pain nail my feet in place.

  The door swings open. A brunette woman in her late fifties stands on the other side. Helen Drake. I recognize her from the news. She’s silver at her temples and has a soft sadness in her smile. When her eyes fix on me, however, her smile fades.

  “Mrs. Drake,” I say with a shaky voice. “I’m so sorry to come unannounced.”

  She steps back. “What are you doing here?”

  “I…have something to tell you. About your husband’s death.”

  She draws in an audible gasp, and I’m certain she’s going to slam the door in my face. For a moment that seems like forever, she stands in the doorway, staring at me. I am about to apologize for bothering her and leave, but then she opens the door a little wider and steps aside.

  “Come in.”

  I follow her to their cozy, if dated, living room. The couch pillows look hand sewn, and there’s a bouquet of autumn flowers in a vase on the coffee table. There are pictures of her two grown children and their families. I recognize Sara Drake in one of the pictures. It feels like someone has grabbed my throat. And on the mantel above the fireplace sits a picture of Edmund. I’m not sure I can make it through this.

  Helen sits across from me. Maybe it’s my imagination, but she seems so small and lonely in the large, empty house. Sorrow washes over me. A sorrow not for myself but for this family that is suffering so much more than me. And it’s all my fault.

  “What is it you came to say?” Helen asks.

  I stare at my hands in my lap. “I don’t really know where to start. So I’ll come right out and say it.”

  She watches me with an unexpected tenderness that strikes me right in the gut. I close my eyes. “You need to know that Auden wasn’t the one driving that night. It was me.”

  Silence pushes down on the room. Only the soft tick, tick, tick of the grandfather clock in the corner invades the oppressive quiet. Then Helen lets out a trembling breath.

  “I…I don’t understand.”

  “I was driving. But after I crashed the car, Auden put me in the passenger side. He convinced me that it was him behind the wheel, and he turned himself in. When I finally remembered the details, he begged me to keep it secret. He took the blame, but the accident was my fault.”

  Helen seems floored by the information. She’s silent, dazed. I force myself to go on.

  “I haven’t said anything until now, because…well, it’s complicated. I haven’t been myself in quite some time. I’ve been selfish. I tried to run away from the guilt. But I’m not going to do that anymore. And so I came to—” Tears well in my eyes, but I keep going. “I came to ask for your forgiveness.” My voice catches. “I’m so sorry for what I did.”

  Helen covers her hand with her mouth and looks away from me.

  I lower my face. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me. I had to tell you the truth. And I had to tell you how deeply I regret my actions. I’m going to make it right. I swear to you.”

  Having said what I needed to say, I press my face into my hands and weep. I feel another rush of guilt. I don’t deserve to splash around my sorrow when Helen is the one who’s truly suffering.

  A hand touches my shoulder. Helen looks down at me, her own cheeks wet with tears.

  “You’re young,” she says, gently. “Too young to give up on yourself.”

  I can’t bear to look into her eyes. I don’t deserve the kindness there.

  “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Edmund, but we all have our time on this earth. And there’s no sense in destroying ourselves when someone we love is gone. It is no good for the living or for the memory of the person who died.”

  “But he didn’t have to die,” I say, through the tears. “It’s my fault. If it weren’t for me, he’d still be here.”

  Helen pulls me into her arms. Her body is frail and small, but her embrace is warm.

  “Listen to me,” she says, softly. “None of us know what’s going to happen tomorrow. All we have is today. We have choices to make. There’s enough pain and injustice in the world to make someone angry or sad their entire lives if they let it.” She pulls me back to look into my eyes. “But there’s so much good if we look for it. I choose to forgive you. And for today, that brings me peace.”

  I leave Helen’s house feeling drained and undeserving of her tenderness. After the bitterness I’ve tasted, her sweetness is unfamiliar to me. But her words echo in my heart.

  Every day is a choice. It’s not just about what we do and where we end up but the emotions we embrace in our hearts. Somehow she knew the exact words I needed to hear.

  Chapter 33

  They say that sometimes you have to tear something down completely before it can be built back the right way. This is my life now. This is my goal. Complete destruction of the old Shelby so maybe the new one will get something right.

  Within three days of visiting Helen Drake, I take down all of my movie posters and pack them away, along with all of my DVDs. I email Mr. Lyman and officially withdraw from the play. It’s a formality. I’m sure he’s already gotten Bailey Perkins in as Juliet. As I click send, an emptiness claws at my insides. Tomorrow is opening night.

  A fantasy sweeps over me for a moment. A dream of what could have been. A world where Auden and I are still together and happy and the accident never happened. A world where I star as Juliet and Auden stars as Romeo. And Mama watches proudly from the front row.

  I close my laptop. Such a world doesn’t exist. No more. Chasing after fantasy worlds has only gotten me into trouble. This is my reality now, and I have to accept it.

  I leave my room. The less time spent in there the better. Mama sits at the kitchen table, paying bills with a grimace of concentration. When she sees me, her expression softens.

  “What are you up to?” she asks.

  I don’t have a ready answer. The new Shelby doesn’t try to pretend that everything is okay anymore, but I also see no reason to constantly drag Mama into my sadness.

  I know she sees it anyway. I know she’s watching me carefully. Like always.

  Mama considers my silence for a beat, and then goes back to writing her check. “If you have a minute, would you mind running to the grocery store for me? We’re out of milk and running low on some other things.”

  I suppress a sigh and grab my keys. “Sure.”

  “I’ll text you the list.”

  Thankfully, I make it in and out of the store without seeing anyone I have to talk to.

  As I drive up to the house, however, I see something that makes me slam on the brakes. Auden’s car. Parked in our driveway. Empty.

  He’s inside the house.

  I find myself running up the front walk, though it feels like I’m moving in dream sequence slow motion. I swing open the door, fully expecting to hear arguing. Auden’s voice does reverberate thr
ough the air, but it’s calm. Auden and Mama are sitting across from each other in the living room.

  They both look up when I come in. Auden looks how I feel. Exhausted and worn down. But a smile pulls at his lips.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, my voice louder than I intended.

  Mama stands slowly. She walks over holding something out in her hand. It’s the restraining order—torn in two.

  “I called him here,” she says, her voice tight with emotion. “I knew he was the only one who could get through to you. I want my Shelby girl back.”

  My pulse beats in my throat. “I am back. This is the new me.”

  “No. It isn’t right. Look, I know I haven’t always been that excited about your drama stuff, but I know you love it.”

  I feel both Auden and Mama’s gaze on me, but I stare resolutely at the floor. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to give in.

  Mama comes forward. “Shelby. Listen to me. I brought Auden here because I know I did some things wrong. We all did. But I want you to be happy. And maybe that means being in drama…maybe that means being with Auden.”

  Forgiveness. The sweetness of the feeling washes over me.

  “I love you, Shelby girl.”

  “I love you too, Mama.”

  I wrap my arms around her. We haven’t hugged like this since I was a kid. A tear escapes my eye. It’s not from sadness but wonder that two imperfect people can come together in spite of everything that happened between them. Mama and I may never fully understand one another, but these are our first steps to meeting in the middle.

  Mama backs away and hurriedly wipes her eyes. She nods at Auden. “Go on now. I know you two have a lot to discuss.”

  Auden takes my hand, and we go to my room. Mama wasn’t wrong. There’s so much to discuss. Where to even start? I close my bedroom door and turn to face him. For a long time, we just look at one another. Sometimes the heart speaks in a way that transcends words.

  Auden’s hand rises slowly and rests on my face. I close my eyes, and we fall into an embrace. We hold each other in a way that was almost lost to me forever. More tears stream down my cheeks. I can’t help it.

  I pull back a little. We don’t kiss. An unspoken awareness hangs between us that any move toward reconciliation will have to be made one step at a time.

  Auden tenderly wipes my tears away.

  “I can’t believe you remember us now,” he says.

  “It was there. Just hidden. I don’t think you can ever truly erase your heart.”

  He kisses my forehead. The feeling of his lips on my skin almost breaks me. I almost melt into his arms. I almost give in to the past.

  But I can’t. I have to keep moving forward.

  Auden is quiet. “I think you know the reason your Mama sent for me…”

  I’m quiet before replying, “Opening night.”

  “You have to perform, Shelby. The talent scout will be there. This is your chance. A real chance.”

  “How can I?” I ask, feeling the heaviness again in my heart. “After what I’ve done, how can I go on living my life, chasing my dreams? That Shelby only brought pain to others and to myself.”

  “So, you’re going to give up everything, including your dreams? What will that help? It won’t bring Edmund Drake back. It won’t make you feel any better. You’ll be throwing away your life over an event you can’t change.”

  “I don’t know, okay? It just doesn’t feel right.”

  For a moment, Auden considers my response. “There’s something else you should know.” He seems hesitant, but he goes on. “I talked with Mr. Lyman and Cam Haler. If you agree to perform tonight, they’ll let me join you onstage as Romeo for tonight.” My eyes widen, and he takes my hand. “Just as it was always meant to be.”

  The news floors me. With Auden as my Romeo, I know I’ll be able to give an amazing performance. With Auden, I can give that talent scout a show to remember.

  My heart quickens. The guilt is still there, but Auden’s right. Not performing doesn’t help the situation. It’s just more running away. And like Helen Drake said, I get to choose. I don’t have to let this sadness consume me. I can do something about it.

  An idea comes to me. I pull out my cell phone and find Mr. Lyman’s contact information. He’s probably running around like a crazy man before opening night, but I call him anyway. He answers immediately.

  “Shelby?”

  “Hi Captain, my captain.”

  He lets out a huge sigh of relief. “Please tell me this means you’re performing tonight.”

  “Yes, but I have one condition. I want the entire proceeds of the night to go to Mrs. Helen Drake and her family.”

  • • •

  Standing backstage in my wine-red Juliet gown, I peer out into the crowd. It’s a full house. The sight of the filled auditorium sends a current of energy through my body. I feel more alive than I have in a very long time.

  I realize Auden is behind me.

  “You look incredible.” He kisses my hand. “My Juliet.”

  Warmth flutters through me. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

  He smiles. “Are you ready?”

  “I’ve never been more ready in my life.”

  Auden beams. “The talent scout is in the second row in the middle. Be sure to flash him just the right amount of leg.”

  I laugh and smack his arm. “Yeah, well, maybe it’s your leg he’ll want to see.”

  “May the hottest win then,” he says, with a wink.

  At that moment, the house lights drop, and a frantic Ana Guerrero comes running up. “Auden, you’re on in five! Get on your mark!”

  Auden blows me a kiss and runs into the darkness. I can’t keep the smile off my face as I close my eyes to get into character. I feel different now. I understand Juliet in a way I never could before. Her pain, yes but also her love. I embrace the darkness from the last year and carry it out onto the stage with me.

  I give the performance of my life. There’s no other way to describe it. Auden and I are perfectly in sync onstage, and the rest of the cast is swept up with us. I’m not Shelby anymore. I am Juliet. And Auden is my Romeo.

  But when the scene calls for Romeo to kiss Juliet, I can feel Auden pouring every bit of his heart into it. In those moments, he is just Auden, and I am his Shelby.

  As the curtains fall, the crowd goes crazy. Orchardview doesn’t normally make such a fuss over a Shakespeare play, but I think everyone in the audience knew they’d witnessed something special.

  Taking my second curtain call bow, I glance out into the packed audience. My gaze immediately falls to Mama. She’s in the front row, standing and clapping with a bright smile on her face. And tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Afterward, Mr. Lyman has to pull me away from a crowd to introduce me to Justin Regel. He’s tanned and handsome and everything I’d imagine a Hollywood talent scout to be.

  “Very impressive performance,” he says, grinning. “Matt was right about you.”

  I’m afraid my heart will burst. Or that my huge grin will scare him away. “Thank you,” I say, struggling to keep my cool. “And thank you for coming all this way. I know our town isn’t much.”

  He smirks. “Oh, Orchardview has its charms. But talent like yours belongs in Hollywood.”

  I will not freak out. I will not freak out. “Thank you.”

  “Here’s my card. Give me a call when you get into town.” He winks. “I’m assuming that won’t be too long after graduation.”

  I watch him as he saunters off, hands in the pockets of his immaculately tailored pants. When I turn around, I catch Auden’s eye from across the crowd. He couldn’t look prouder or happier for me. I feel like I’m flying.

  In the quiet of my dressing room, I look in the full-length mirror. I hardly recognize the girl looking
back at me. So much has happened. So much pain. So much joy. I’m not sure how my heart can contain it all.

  I’m moving forward, but now I know the right way to do it. I feel that in every part of my soul. There’s no point trying to re-create the past. It’s over. But there’s also no use trying to fight who I really am either. All I have are my dreams and today. And I get to choose where that leads me.

  Chapter 34

  The cast is going out to celebrate, but Auden and I slip away. We drive together, silently. Words don’t need to be said. Not yet.

  We go back to that country road. To the little wooden cross commemorating the place where Edmund Drake died. Auden carefully wipes the dust and grime away from the white wood, and I kneel before it, fresh tears streaming down my face. Mr. Lyman and Principal Nelson gave me a bouquet to celebrate opening night. A dozen perfect red roses. I place them on the grass in front of the memorial. Auden kneels beside me and takes my hand in his.

  I don’t need to tell him where to go next. He knows. When we get to the lake, he finds our exact spot and pulls a blanket from his trunk. It’s an unseasonably warm night. We sit side by side on the hood of his car, wrapping the blanket around us for warmth against the cool night breeze and gaze up at the perfect shimmer of a million stars.

  I hug my arms around my knees. “I’ll never forget tonight.”

  “I won’t either.” Auden brushes some hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. His dark eyes sweep my face, studying me. “Something’s changed in you, Shelby. I can feel it.”

  “I told you. I’m not running anymore.”

  His brow lowers. “I’m not sure I understand…or maybe I’m afraid to ask.”

  My smile fades. “Auden…I’m going to turn myself in for the death of Edmund Drake.”

  He stares at me. “What?”

  “I can’t undo what happened, but I’m going to make it right.”

  “How will that make it right? It won’t change anything.”