If You Still Want Me

by CE Kilgore

  I give a playful, over-exaggerated yelp and rub my ass. "An' what the heck was that for?"

  "Abandoning your post," Vickie points at the spot beside her where two more plates are already waiting to be dried. "Keep it up, and we'll have to punish you later."

  Austin twirls the towel up tight. "Behave, and we have a reward planned."

  That gets my legs moving back to the counter while I try to decide which I like the sound of more for tonight - the reward or the punishment. I figure with the two 'a them, either would be a damn good thing. Another crack across my ass pulls me outta my daydreamin' again. I wipe away my drool and start dryin' the dishes.

  Austin's back pocket starts buzzin', so he steps away for a second to answer his cell. "Evenin', boss." Guess it's Brandon, checkin' in on his wayward friends. "Yeah, we're good. ... Yes, sir. We did." His cheeks blush a little. "Yes, sir. ... Hold on, I'll ask." He looks up to us. "Brandon was wondering when we're heading home?"

  "I was thinking tomorrow, right after church," Vickie answers loud enough for it to carry into the phone. "I know the Mesquite contract needs to be finalized on Monday."

  "You get that, boss? ... What? ... Shit," Austin curses. My nerves are all at attention as his gaze locks on me. "Yes, sir. I'll tell him. ... Okay, see you tomorrow. Bye."

  Fuck. I do not like the look that's on Austin's face. Not. One. Bit. An' somethin' tells me I'm about ta' like what's gonna come outta his mouth even less.

  Austin takes in a deep breath, flicks his gaze over to Vickie them back to me. "Rob's home."

  "What?" My head cocks left. "His tour aint supposed ta' be over for another six months."

  "He's been discharged," Austin explains, taking a step towards me with hands up, like I'm a spooked horse that may run. Vickie seems ta' read his mind 'bout somethin' I aint rightly understandin', 'cause she's behind me now, with her hands on my arms.

  "Brandon doesn't know the details," he continues, "but apparently it had something to do with Rob's drinking problem, and maybe PTSD. He's home with Sarah now, but Brandon's worried. Something sounded off in Sarah's voice, according to Brandon. He wants us home before something blows up, or before Kyle does something stupid."

  "Son-of-a," Fuck! All my good feelings, along with my arousal, plummets like a dead weight in my chest. Rob being home early, an' being discharged from the service, is bad. Brandon has every good sense ta' be concerned. Hell, I'm tempted ta' catch a flight home right now.

  Vickie's fingers clutch my arms. "I'll explain things to Daddy, and we can leave first thing tomorrow morning."

  I twitch, 'cause once again my problems are interfering with Vickie's life. "I'll just catch me a flight tonight. You an' Austin can-"

  "No." Austin's hands are on top of Vickie's now, squeezin', as he looks me square in the eyes. "We do everything together, remember? It's too late for us to get on the road now, but we'll head out first light."

  "But-"

  "All three of us," Vickie quiets my argument with a kiss to my shoulder. "Daddy will understand. This is family."

  Victoria

  I've never been much of a morning person, so when Austin offers to drive at seven-fifteen a.m., I fall in love with him a little bit more. He's used to being alert this early, working with Brandon's horses, which is good because Saul is about as skittish as I've ever seen him. I don't think the boy could much hold a thought right now, let alone drive or focus on road signs.

  Sarah's his baby sister; his little, blond-headed baby-doll to protect from the whole world. Been that way since we were kids, back when his dad started hurting Saul and threatening to hurt Sarah. Sarah doesn't know how bad it got. Saul doesn't want her haunted the same way he is.

  Saul is one of the bravest men I know. It's a burden no man, let alone a kid barely past his love of dinosaurs and sandboxes, should be forced to carry. But he did. He carried the weight around his neck so Sarah wouldn't have to. It was how that bastard kept him quiet all those years.

  Saul never got over the need to protect Sarah. She's his sacred angel - the good light to come out of something so horrible. She bears that weight, I suppose - being the embodiment of all Saul's hopes and ideals of purity. I think it's worn her down a bit over the years, but he refuses to tell her everything, and it's not my place to do otherwise.

  We're two hours on the road when Tabitha calls. Expecting a tirade for leaving without saying goodbye or attending church, I reluctantly answer after directing Austin to stop at the next place he sees where I can get a decent cup of coffee. I have a feeling I'm going to need lots of it to get through today.

  Tabitha, however, continues to shock the living spirit out of me by asking if we're all okay and then ending the conversation by commanding me to call her when we get safely back to Dallas to let them know if Sarah is okay, too. Like Saul, Sarah kind of became an adopted member of our family. Those two spent more time at our house than their own growing up, even after their mom finally kicked their dad out of the house.

  Not like that lasted.

  Lord, I've wanted to slap that woman silly for as long as I can remember. It's not all her fault, I suppose. The woman's life aint exactly been a rose parade, and she's got no spine to speak of, but excuses are still excuses. Few years later, she was calling Saul a liar and moved her ass down to San Antonio to live with that bastard. At least she didn't have anymore kids with him.

  Looks like Sarah's struggling to keep from following in her mother's footsteps. Pregnant in high school. Dropped out and married before graduation to a man with questionable character. Now she's living in a house that should've been left to rot decades ago, with two kids and a husband who's hardly there even when he is. Rob may not touch his kids that way, but he sure as hell don't treat Sarah right. Maybe that's why she keeps going back to Kyle, over and over again.

  Rob's had it rough, too, I suppose. Barely graduated thanks to a push from his football coach but not good enough to get a college scholarship, he joined the service straight out after knocking Sarah up, then came back all kinds of messed up. War will ruin a good, strong-willed person. It'll tear a dickless son of a bitch like Rob to shreds and shit them out the other end.

  "Here, darlin'," Austin snaps me out of my thoughts, passing me over a coffee and a white paper bag. Wow, my mind is all over the place today. I didn't even realized we'd pulled into a Dunkin' Doughnuts drive-thru.

  "Thanks." I set the coffee into the holder next to his then peek in the bag. An apple fritter. My favorite. I try not to giggle like a teenager, but Austin's chuckle next to me tells me I'm failing. "Thanks, sweetie."

  He winks then nods towards the back. Saul's passed out cold, his tall form folded across the bench seat and white headphones plugged into his ears. "I bought him an apple juice and a box of doughnut holes, but maybe we should let him sleep."

  "He didn't sleep a wink last night."

  "I know," Austin swallows a yawn, setting down Saul's food into the middle console tray before pulling back onto the road. "He kept rolling between the two of us. I think he finally settled sideways around three this morning."

  "Sorry you got the feet," I try not to laugh. "I know he kicks."

  Austin reaches down and rubs his ribcage. "Like a dang mule." A glance into the rear-view mirror creases his face with worry-lines. "Should we try calling Sarah again?"

  "I don't know how much good it would do. She's ignoring Saul completely right now for what happened with Kyle, and she probably thinks we're on his side."

  "We are."

  "We are," I agree, "But, we need to be on her side, too. I don't know how much Saul's told you, or what all you've figured out on your own, but it's complicated. They're both messed-up."

  The worry in his eyes is replaced with a storm so dark, it tells me he knows everything. A few, muttered curses in Spanish pass his lips and his grip on the steering wheel turns his knuckles white. "Only thing that saved that bastard who dared call himself Saul's dad," he hisses in a hushed tone, "is that he's living in San
Antonio and my probation didn't let me go that far. Now, I care too much about you two to throw it away on some pendejo. Don't mean I won't knock his head off if I ever meet him."

  "I feel the same, but Sarah doesn't know half of what we do, Austin," my voice carries a small warning. "She knows their daddy beat Saul for a past-time, and that Saul was touched a few times. She doesn't know just how far that touching actually went, and that's how Saul wants it to stay."

  Austin lets out a long breath, his stomach probably as unsettled as mine by the topic we're discussing. "Alright. You know his secrets about that are safe with me."

  "I know, sweetie. We've all been kinda dancing around on eggshells about it between those two for so long. The eggs are bound to break someday, but it's gotta be Saul's doing."

  "He deserves that right," Austin agrees with a tight nod. "After everything that was taken from him..."

  Pulling his hand away from the steering wheel, I kiss it, closing my eyes in deeply-felt gratitude that I have someone else I can talk about these painful things with; someone who I know, deep down in his marrow, feels exactly the same way I do about everything concerning Saul. Giving his hand back, we share a smile before my thoughts turn back to Sarah.

  "He thinks he's protecting her from the horror, and I guess he is, even as he keeps her from knowing the truth about what her only brother went through. All she knows for sure is that Saul is over-protective, doesn't approve of her husband, her living situation or her relationship with Kyle."

  Austin glances to the mirror again. "What exactly is the deal with Kyle?"

  "No one knows the whole story, except Kyle and Sarah. They've been sweet on each other since before the other boys stopped worrying about catching cooties from girls. Saul had a strict 'hands-off the baby sister' rule for his friends, but Kyle's always been a rule-breaker."

  I pause to test my coffee's temperature before taking a sip. "I don't think anything could've kept those two apart. Even as kids, Kyle and Sarah had that look..."

  "Like the three of us?" Austin grins.

  "Exactly," I give a laughing sigh. "And exactly like what happened with us, Saul couldn't see what was right in front of him."

  Austin glances in the mirror for a third time, deep love in his eyes. "Captain Oblivious."

  "Aint that the truth," I giggle a tiny bit as I look over my shoulder at Saul's sleeping face. "Rest of us figured it out, but agreed not to tell Saul. Kyle promised he would eventually, but he was always afraid of breaking up our group. Saul was that protective of Sarah. Got in plenty of fights at school over it."

  I take another sip of coffee, my head full with memories. "He almost didn't go to U.T. with us, even after all the work we'd put into getting his scholarships. He was afraid to leave her alone. She finally put her foot down and packed his boxes herself, but by then, something had started to go wrong between her and Kyle, too. Just as the four of us got settled into our campus apartment, she broke it off with Kyle via text."

  "Ouch," Austin winces. "She didn't want to do a long distance relationship?"

  "We figured that might be the reason, but we really don't know. Few months later, she was engaged to Rob after he'd knocked her up, and Kyle figured she'd been cheating on him for a while."

  "Then Rob married her," Austin scratches the stubble on his chin in thought. "Saul's told me that much of the story. Rob couldn't get a scholarship on his football, so he went military instead of McDonald's. Guess he came back a bit shook up and started drinking?"

  "Understatement," I huff then drown my bitterness in a long swig from my coffee. I take a few bites off the apple fritter, hoping to sweeten my mood a bit. Damn thing is good, but my nerves don't give in to the sugary high.

  "He's always been a drinker, even back in high school. Friday night lights and beer went hand in hand where we schooled. When his football started tanking due to a knee injury, he started tanking with the help of Jack Daniels. He sobered up when Sarah got pregnant though, and for a while it seemed like he'd cleaned his shit up for her and the baby. It didn't last."

  Austin inhales deeply, his eyes flicking to the rear-view again. I can see all the thoughts processing through his head as he fills in the blanks around what he already knows. "That why Saul almost dropped out?"

  "Yeah," I reply flatly, recalling that crazy semester we've all tried to forget. It was the same semester Ian nearly leapt off the science building. "Their mom wrote him a long-winded letter, calling him a liar about... you know." I still can't say it without feeling the knives in my chest. "Moved her sorry ass to San-An, leaving Sarah in a derelict trailer with a new baby girl and a messed-up husband who couldn't find a job. Saul thought it was his job to save Sarah, but she refused his help. Even went so far as to call him a liar, too."

  "God," Austin's knuckles go white again. "He never told me that."

  "She didn't mean it, but she didn't want him giving up school, either, so she thought it'd be the push he needed to leave her behind. It pushed him straight into a bottle of whiskey, and he didn't come out of it for a month. He graduated, barely, then Brandon shoved him into a treatment center."

  "I-" Austin stops as Saul groans behind us. Saul whispers something incoherent as one leg kicks out against the seat. After a few seconds, he settles back down. It makes both us chuckle quietly. "He's such a big kid," Austin says with a loving smile.

  "He is." Looking at Saul, sometimes I wonder if a part of him got stuck way back in that moment right before his childhood was stripped away from him forever; like part of his spirit refuses to let that moment go or acknowledge that there was a time that came after it. It makes me sad, but also a bit happy that he can hang onto that childish innocence so strongly.

  "That bastard should be in jail," Austin mutters, and I look up to find tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He can see it too - Saul's duality that teeters between tainted innocence and a kindhearted, decimated soul who's just one step away from falling back into a bottle. "You know what happens to fuckers like that in jail?"

  My hand grips his arm, thumb rubbing over a tattoo. "I know. I agree, but... It's not our choice. Saul doesn't want to go through it, or put Sarah through it. Brandon's dad wanted to file charges, soon as he found out. It was a right mess. Brandon wasn't supposed to tell; Saul clammed up and they didn't speak to each other until a few months later when Brandon's dad died."

  "Heart attack, wasn't it?"

  "Yeah. The tragedy brought those two boys back together, but it took a while for the trust to rebuild. Brandon's trustworthy, but he also has a strong belief in justice. He thought he was doing the right thing for Saul, but it was just James all over again..."

  "James?"

  Shit. My addled brain let that slip. "Long story." A very long, unfortunate story, that isn't mine to tell.

  Austin

  I let Victoria avoid a full answer, guessing it's not my business or maybe it's just not something she's supposed to talk about. I assume she meant James Darcy, a club member who goes by the name of Crow, and who also happens to be a Johnson County deputy on the fast-track to sheriff. I know he and Brandon have some sort of uneasy history. I'm not exactly fond of the cocky prick, either.

  A rustle behind us is followed by a loud yawn, refocusing us away from our uneasy conversation. I'm glad Saul is waking up, saving Victoria and I from having to keep digging into topics that make me sick to my stomach. It's things I'm glad we can talk about together, but those things also fill me with hate, anger and a burning desire to visit San Antonio with a sawed-off shotgun under my seat.

  Saul's face appears between us, leaning over the console as he blinks his eyes and tugs the headphones from his ears. "Thought I smelled coffee. That breakfast?"

  "It is," I hand him the apple juice. "Feel a bit better?"

  "Nope," he shrugs, snatches the juice and doughnut holes without so much as a 'thanks' then settles back into his seat. Popping a doughnut hole into his mouth, he takes out his phone and glares at it. "Dangit. Stubborn girl.
"

  "Maybe she's working the Sunday breakfast shift?" Victoria offers.

  "She could still take five damn seconds between handin' out hotcakes ta' message me back," Saul's scowl intensifies.

  I'm trying to keep my eyes on the road, but his attitude shift has me worried. He's forgetting his manners with me and Victoria, slowly sinking into a dark place I don't want him to go. I shouldn't be mad at Sarah, but part of me is. She called Brandon knowing full well he'd call Saul.

  This isn't the first time Rob's been a problem and Sarah's used Brandon to get Saul involved. Chances are high that Kyle also knows that Rob is back in town. Sometimes, I wish I could understand what goes through that woman's mind.

  She's a nice girl, really, but damn. I wish Saul could live without the drama. She also knows Saul would do anything for her, and I wonder if maybe she abuses that just a tad. Then again, like Victoria said, we don't know her whole story.

  A car horn blares behind us before passing, startling me. "Ai, fuck!" Our SUV swerves a little before I can steady myself, and I realize I've slowed down to fifteen-under.

  "Stupid sumbitches," Saul grumbles with a glare at the blue sports car as it passes then darts in front of us to get around a tractor-trailer that's in the fast lane. The car is filled with three people, suitcases and has a Texas A&M bumper sticker. "Fuckin' Aggies," Saul adds.

  Exhaling, I glance to Victoria. "Sorry."

  Victoria's hand sets back on my arm. "Why not pull into that rest stop up ahead so we can switch."

  "You sure?"

  "You need to get more sleep, sweetie," she coos, and I melt.

  God, I love this woman. "Thanks, darlin'."

  Saul smacks his food behind us. "You not get no sleep last night, cowboy?"

  "A blond-headed mule kept kicking me in the ribs."

  "Oh," he snorts. "Sorry."

  His apology is more snide than sincere, filling me with even more worry. He's not being an asshole on purpose. It's just a defense mechanism he has where he shuts everything off but his anger, and then he lets that anger simmer until it finally explodes all over something or someone.