If You Still Want Me

by CE Kilgore

  His optimistic attitude is appreciated, but I'm still nervous enough to vomit. When he sits down where I was sitting previously so I can sit between him and Victoria, my nerves lessen. Little gestures like this, and the smile Victoria gives me as I sit, remind me I've got two wonderful people backing me up. It gives me strength I was lacking, courage to open myself to others again, and an even greater appreciation for all that I have in my life.

  I just hope I'm not about to mess up this new family I've been blessed with.

  Alex and Jerry return, full of grins and laughter between them, after having put Tessa and Jonah down for a nap. Tabitha has Tori tucked up against one shoulder while Ruth offers me a smile and a compliment as she, too, burns her tongue on a churro. Joseph chuckles while holding the plate of sopapillas out of Alex's reach, filling the room with Elijah's laughter.

  I'd forgotten what this can be like - big family get-togethers. Well-intended jibes and jokes. Sharing and talking. Simply being happy to be around each other. It's all become so foreign to my world, but I'd like for it to become a new normal.

  I'd like to come back next year for New Year's. I'd like to invite them all up to visit us and meet Nana and Annabelle. I'd like to go back and shake that stupid teenager who thought joining Los Lost Boys was a good idea.

  But I can't go back. Going back would mean never meeting Saul and Victoria, too. I'd go through Hell again for them, so maybe everything does happen for a reason.

  The sweet vanilla scent of pipe tobacco refocuses my attention to Elijah, and I find his questioning but patient gaze watching me. I nod subtly. He raises his hand, and in a succession wave around the table, everyone goes quiet and looks at him, waiting for the head of the table to speak.

  Exhaling gray smoke, Elijah speaks, and I think the whole world stops to listen. "Now that we've had this most wonderful meal, for which I am ever so grateful, there are some things that we, as a family, need to discuss. First, let us count our blessings.

  "We have been blessed tonight by Tabitha returning healthy to us with a new, precious baby girl. We have been blessed by meeting Alex, who patiently puts up with my son and fills his heart with love. We have been blessed by having Saul with us again, the sweet boy who has been part of our family for as long as I can remember, and we are blessed to have Austin join our family and share with us this great meal. Truly, this family is blessed in so many ways."

  "Amen," Ruth whispers, confirming the way Elijah's voice resounds through the room as if it were a church, his conviction conveying more meaning than the face of each word. A quiet echo of amen passes through the lips of those around the table, my own lips following suit without thinking.

  I'm not religious, not for a long time, but I think if this man had been my father, I would have gone to his church simply to hear him speak. Maybe, I still can.

  "Amen," Elijah nods. "Now, Austin has something to say, and I ask that we all give him our ears and listen with open hearts."

  "Thank you," I start as Saul takes my hand and Victoria tilts her head at me. "And thank you for sharing this meal with me and making me feel so... welcomed. I've heard plenty of stories about your family from Saul, but they didn't do it justice. I mean..."

  What do I mean? I'm floundering for the right words to express emotions I've locked away tight for so long. All the things I'd wanted to say are getting mixed up as they fight to come out first.

  "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I'm still a stranger to you, but you've made me feel like family. That's why I think I need to be honest, so you know who you're trusting with your sister, and with your daughter."

  "You don't have to," Victoria starts as she catches on to where I'm going.

  "But I do," I take her hand and kiss the knuckles. "I can't change where I've been or what I've done, Victoria, and your family deserves to know who I am."

  With a slow nod, she kisses my hand in return then presses it to her cheek. The warmth makes me smile. Saul's arm draped around my shoulders gives me certainty that this is the right path, no matter where it leads.

  "Up until two days ago, I was on a two year probation after doing two years in jail." A weight lifts off one shoulder, but I'm not done. Tabitha gasps slightly, but holds her tongue as Elijah continues to look at me with calm concern.

  "I was in jail because I made the stupid decision to join a gang, then that gang made the stupid decision to steal a car. Brandon's car."

  Joey's the first to speak as Elijah's eyes narrow ever so slightly. "Brandon... Brandon Peters?"

  "Yes," I lower my eyes, filled with shame.

  Joey's in shock. It's clear everyone at the table knows Brandon, and they probably respect him the same as I do. "I thought you were living with him?" Joey asks, and I try to answer, but my throat is dry.

  "He is," Saul speaks when my mouth opens and nothing comes out. "That gang tried ta' steal Brandon's car, but y'all know Brandon - he said no. They beat him up real bad, but Austin tried ta' stop it. Got on top 'a Brandon an' took the hits. When the cops showed up, Austin didn't put up no fight and accepted responsibility."

  "After Austin did his time," Victoria takes over. "Brandon agreed to become Austin's legal guardian, because his sister was too young and his grandma is, well, she's undocumented."

  "I beat the man up," the words find their way out of my heart, trying so hard to be heard. "I beat him up and he gives me a home, a job and a chance to make things right. I was a coward, hiding in a gang filled with other cowards, because I was afraid to face who I... what I am. In so many ways, I still am."

  I don't even realize I've started crying until Saul's thumbing away the tears from my cheeks. I don't know what else to say. My spirit is running on empty. "That's me. That's the kind of man you're welcoming into your family. An ex-con who's still afraid of himself."

  The silence around the table is deafening, broken only by my pitiful sobs. What kind of man cries like this? No man at all, my papi would say.

  "In nineteen-seventy-three," Elijah parts the silence. "I stole a television from the back of a Sears truck. I was a dumb kid hoping to make quick cash so I could take a girl I fancied out to dinner."

  "Daddy?" Tabitha's shaking her head as everyone else looks on, stunned.

  "I ended up in the Arkansas correctional system instead, where dinner was anything but fancy. I was a young crow with a sympathetic judge who knew a stupid kid when he saw one, so I got just five years, which in those days was a slap on the wrist. I lost my youth in that jail, but I found my calling."

  Inhaling his pipe then exhaling the smoke, he half-smiles down the table at me. "So, you see, son, that is the kind of man you're agreeing to be family with."

  My lips move, but I can't talk, so he points his pipe-stem at me. "I knew right off where you've been. One constant thing about prisons, son, is they all use the same Bic ink pens for their tattoos. I'm glad you decided to let it all out, though. It gave me courage to finally do the same."

  "Well, I'll be..." Jerry's the first to start grinning again. "Bet you looked mighty dapper in them stripes, Reverend."

  "Jerry," Tabitha warns. "Aint nothin' to joke about! I... Daddy... Thank you for your honesty."

  Jerry clears his throat and Tabitha quickly adds "...both of you."

  "Th-that's why you're involved in all those inmate programs?" Ruth asks with a stutter.

  Elijah nods. "I had to go to Hell in order to find God. Was programs like them that saved me. Most fellas in jail are good men who make bad choices, and most never had no one in their lives to teach them no different. I'm sorry for never telling you, but sometimes we put aside our past so we can move forward."

  Before I know what I'm doing, I've stood up and walked over to his chair. The man sets aside his pipe, stands and opens his arms to me the same way he's opened his heart. There are great people in this world - honest, open people. Sometimes they can be hard to see, through all the bad casting shadows around us, but if you take a chance and look, you'll find them.
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  He embraces me with a pat on the back and encouragement whispered into my ear. As I step away, my sadness is gone, my tears are dry and I share in his smile. "Thank you."

  "Thank you, son," he says back, and I know he means it, every single word, with all his heart.

  Saul

  Well, shoot. My throat's rubbed raw from swallowin' all these emotions I'm feelin' while watchin' Austin and the good reverend sharing themselves. I had no idea Elijah done served time, an' that right there reminds me no cover will ever tell a person's whole story.

  The family is obviously a tad shocked. Tabitha even looks a bit horrified. I wonder if Michael would have somethin' cross ta' say about this, too.

  It's good that this has all been laid out on the table for everyone. I know firsthand the kinda damage carrying secrets around with you can cause. Austin was so worried they'd shun him or think poorly 'a him because he served his time. I guess it's hard to have faith in people when you've been down the road he has, even after having people like Brandon in yer life.

  Vickie has that problem, too, sometimes. Maybe I should, but I've always been one ta' give the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best. 'Sides, I knew Elijah wouldn't judge Austin like some folks might. Heck, the man finds me worthy 'a his daughter, and God knows Austin's a better man than me.

  Conversation returns to lighter topics over the remaining sopapillas and coffee. It's as Ruth eats the last churro that Tabitha starts to doze off, her medication getting the best of her. I help Jerry load her and their kids into the car, and Ruth takes Jonah home soon after. We all agree to meet up at the church before the ten-thirty service tomorrow morning.

  Elijah settles down in that old, ugly-ass chair 'a his, his eyeslids drooping. I don't know where Alex and Joey have run off'ta, but I figure maybe to unpack since Elijah invited the boy to stay. That's awesome - how Alex has been welcomed like that. Now, we just need to convince those two to stay local. For some reason, Joey's being hard-headed about it, and I think it's startin' ta' worry Vickie.

  Startin' ta' worry me, too.

  I find Vickie an' Austin side-by-side at the kitchen sink, up to their elbows in suds. The man looks happy, his face lightly crinkled in a smile, and Vickie's just as pretty as always. Seein' the two of them in moments like this makes me wonder how I ever got so damn lucky.

  Hmm. Vickie. Austin. Soap suds. Yeah, I'll be savin' that idea for later.

  Maybe we can get Joey an' Alex ta' design us a house where the three of us can have our joined and separate spaces. Plus, a bathroom with a gigantic tub. And a dungeon to play in.

  "Uh-oh," Austin's chuckle breaks into my daydream. "He's got that grin on his face again."

  "Mmhmm," Victoria hums. "Means he's thinking dirty thoughts instead of helping us clean these dishes."

  I giggle, 'cause it's true. "I can't help it if you two turn me on like a damn light-switch."

  "Shh," Vickie chides, but she's smirking, too.

  "Don't worry none, Vickie. Old man's done passed out in his chair. Food coma, I think."

  Vickie hands me a wet plate as Austin twirls up a dishtowel before cracking it across my ass. That is so not helpin' to cool my current state of arousal. He grins like he knows exactly what he's doin' to me. Damn tease.

  "Joey, wait," Alex's hushed plea turns our attention to him and Joey as they step through the dinning room and into the kitchen. "She didn't mean it that way."

  "The heck she didn't," Joey replies to Alex, but his narrowed eyes are set on Vickie. I honestly don't think I've ever seen Joey quite this angry before, and certainly never at Vickie. "How dare you go behind my back like that!"

  Vickie's eyebrow quirks up, but I already know what this is about. Dammit. I knew she was over-stepping.

  "Hey, Joey," I get between them with the plate held up like a ceramic shield. "Why don't we just-"

  "Not now, Saul." He side-steps me. "I need to have some words with my sister."

  Vickie holds up one hand. "Calm down. If this is about the job offer-"

  "Damn right it is," he shoots back in a hiss. "You went behind my back! Talked to Alex without me about something important to our future!"

  "I just don't understand, Joey," Vickie's tryin' ta' keep her voice low, too, but I hear the worry and anger fighting for dominance. "Why move if there's opportunity here? Brandon wants to expand, and-"

  "You don't want me to leave," Joey stops beating around the obvious. "Do you realize how selfish you're being?"

  "Me?! You're the one who's moving all the way up to the north fucking pole when both y'all's family is down here. I get that you can't get married, but-"

  "No, you don't get it! It's like we don't even exist down here."

  "And my threesome does?" she fires back while Austin, Alex and I are left standing to the side, hoping it doesn't get any worse. "Yeah, it sucks, but laws are changing all over the damn place. You just gotta be patient. And, if you don't like the laws down here so much, then do something about them."

  "Oh, hell no," Joey shakes his head. "I can't believe you just waved the rainbow flag in my face."

  Vickie plants a hand on her hip and leans a touch forward. It's her war-stance. All she's missin' is her whip.

  "Then get married outta state. Aint no reason for you to move away. You think Daddy wants his son so far away? What about when you and Alex adopt? Those kids should be-"

  "Stop it, Tori," Joey warns. "Just, stop it."

  "Joey," Alex grasps Joey's arm, trying to calm him down. "Honey, please. We should sit down and discuss this."

  "What's there to discuss?"

  Alex's eyebrows shoot up, then crease. "I beg your pardon? I seem to remember there being two people in this relationship."

  Shit. This is goin' south in a hurry. "Hey, Alex is right. Let's have a seat at the table an' figure this out. Austin and I can mix up some hot chocolate and-"

  "I'm sorry, Alex," Joey refuses to compromise, "but you both don't understand. Tori, I've got to move."

  "Why?" She's begging now, pleading for an answer that makes sense. I think we'd all like ta' know what kinda idea Joey's got in his head. "Help me understand why you want to get so far away from us?"

  Joey inhales then exhales as his shoulders slump. "I'm the Reverend's son, Tori. You think the deacons at the church are gonna just let this go? You think Michael's not gonna cause trouble and ask for Pops to step down from his pulpit? I don't want to be responsible for that!"

  "Son," Elijah's suddenly standing at the threshold, a hurt look on his face. "Do you really think I'd blame you if they do?"

  Joey's face pales. "Pops... I... But, it's your church..."

  "Split a peace of wood, and I am there," Elijah says, adding a needed calm to the storm that'd been brewin' an' threatening to bring this whole kitchen down on our heads. "Lift a stone, and I am there. That's from the gospel of Thomas. God isn't a church. A church is just a place where people can gather to talk about God. They can just as easily gather in a house, in a park, the street or the supermarket."

  "But, Pops-"

  "If the church decides they don't like to hear me speak anymore because my son's a homosexual, then they have that right, but that don't mean I'm gonna just roll over and stop speaking. If this is truly the only reason you're leaving town, then I ask that you don't. I'd rather have you and Alex close by while I spread the gospel from my living room than have you both so far away just so I can stand on a wooden stage on Sunday mornings."

  Amen. It's the first word that comes ta' my mind while we're all left stunned silent by the power behind his words. The way he speaks simple truths in a manner even my brain can understand is just one 'a the reasons I respect him so much.

  Joey's eyes cast down to his feet, the shame obvious. "Sorry, Pops. I thought I was saving you trouble."

  "I know." Elijah clasps Joey's shoulder. "Why don't we go sit in the living room and have a talk. I aint had near enough chance to chat with Alex, or show off my photo albums."

  J
oey groans as Alex bounces. "I'd love that!"

  "But first," Elijah looks between Joey an' Vickie. "I think some apologies are due?"

  "Yes, sir," Joey goes first, glancing to Vickie. "Sorry I yelled at you."

  Vickie's hands fist at her sides. Apologies aren't somethin' that comes easy to her prideful nature, so when you hear her say sorry, you always know she means it. "I'm sorry, too. To both you and Alex. I shouldn't have talked to Alex about this without you. I knew what I was doing was wrong, trying to sway him so he'd convince you to stay. I just didn't want to lose my brother."

  "You'll never lose me, Tori," Joey pulls her into a hug. "That's a promise."

  Elijah's grinning behind them, and I think we're all relieved the yellin' is done. "Good. Now, where did I put them albums..."

  "Guess I deserve this," Joey sighs, reluctantly following his dad and Alex into the living room. He grabs Alex's hand as they reach the dinning room, voices hushed almost too low for me to hear. Not that I'm spyin' or anything, but those two are so damn cute together.

  "I'm sorry for exploding."

  Alex stretches up on his tiptoes and kisses Joey's cheek. "I understand what you were trying to do, but I wish you had told me your real reasons for wanting to leave."

  "I know. I'm sorry about that, too."

  "It's okay, honey. You can make it up to me by letting your dad show me all the pictures."

  "That is so unfair," Joey groans again as Alex starts tugging him into the living room. "Just remember, I had three older sisters who thought dressing me up was a good hobby."

  I'm giggling at them from the doorway. They really are sweet, and seein' people in love like that always makes me happy. A crack sounds behind me right as a sting snaps across my ass. "Ow! Dang, cowboy! Do I look like a draft-horse to you?"

  "That's for spying," he speaks in that low, rumbling voice that gives me the good kinda chills. Then, he cracks the towel across my ass again.