by Nicole Hart
“It was after we got off the phone, and I knew you had plans.” I tried to defend my actions, but I knew my sister wasn’t having any part of it.
“I don’t care what I’m doing, call me anytime. That’s what sisters are for.” Her words warmed my heart and eased the familiar ache in my chest. “Anyway, what did she say?”
“Just to give him time, that he’s working on getting better.” I shook my head at the vague conversation. I knew her loyalty was to Logan and his brother, and although I was thankful she made the effort to call me, I needed more.
“I don’t know, Jess. I know you care about this guy, but don’t wait forever. If he doesn’t see how amazing you are, then it’s his loss. He could at least call you, I’m sure they allow that,” she scolded me, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. It was pitiful, but a smile nonetheless. It was strange to have someone in my life who didn’t hesitate to defend me and saw me as way better than I actually was.
“Thanks, Maxi,” I replied, but I didn’t believe a word she said. It wasn’t his loss. It was definitely mine.
A loud knock at the front door got my attention, and I sat up on my bed.
“Hey, there’s someone at my door. Let me call you back.”
“Okay, love you, bye,” she said, and I heard the call end before I got the chance to respond.
I stood up and examined myself in the mirror. I ran a brush through my hair but ignored the baggy sweats and Merle Haggard T-shirt I had on. I’d worn the shirt every night since Logan told me to keep it. According to him, it looked better on me, although I highly doubted that. I was hoping maybe it was Logan, although I knew that was next to impossible. But at the very least, maybe it was Reese with news about Logan. I stared at my pathetic self and knew she would wonder what Logan ever saw in me once I answered the door. That girl oozed sexiness, and she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.
“Screw it,” I mumbled as my feet padded across the floor. I stood on my tip toes and looked out the peephole.
I jerked my head away as soon as I saw his face.
Brian.
“Jess, please. I know you’re in there.” I heard his muffled voice on the other side of the door.
I turned the lock, scolding myself for doing this. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was weak. I knew this wasn’t the answer.
I opened the door and stared at him, unable to speak while the bitter night air slammed against my face.
“Hey.” His nervous tone was noticeable, and I was sure it was a first. Brian didn’t get nervous, not around me anyway.
A gust of wind whipped against both of us, and I shuttered from the cold, still holding onto the partially-opened door.
“Hey,” I muttered, my eyes wavering from Brian to the ground, back to Brian.
“God, I missed you, Jess.” His baby blues were pleading, and I felt my guard start to crumble. This was the last thing I needed right now.
“Brian…please, don’t.” I shook my head.
“Just talk to me, Jess. Please. That’s all I ask.” He stared into my eyes. I had never seen him this way, and I was shocked.
“It’s not a good idea.”
“Five minutes, that’s it.” His pleading really threw me through a loop.
“Five minutes,” I repeated and opened the door wide enough to allow him in.
“Thank you. Damn, it’s cold out there.” He rubbed his hands together quickly as he walked into the living room. I didn’t offer him a seat or anything warm to drink.
Five minutes.
I couldn’t deny he was handsome as he stood there in his dark slacks and button-up shirt that was partially hidden by his fancy, black overcoat. His hair was styled perfectly, and I could smell his expensive cologne. On the surface, he looked good, but I knew better. I knew who Brian really was.
He was the one who used me for months and told me horrible things to keep from believing I deserved any better. He degraded me—my looks, my clothes, and my job. I had to keep all that in mind.
I couldn’t fall into the same trap I had been stuck in for so long, even if the alternative meant I would be alone for the rest of my life.
“God, you’re beautiful.” He took a step closer to me, and I took a step back.
“Have you been drinking?” I put my hand out, convinced that was the only reason for his compliment.
“No, I swear. I know I messed up, Jess. I just want another chance. I’ll make it right this time.”
“We weren’t good for each other, Brian. You constantly made me feel like I wasn’t enough.”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” he said, coming closer to me once more, but this time, I didn’t move. I allowed his body to press against mine, his fingers tracing my arms.
“Why now?” I shook my head, searching for an answer because none of this made any sense to me.
“I guess sometimes losing something makes you realize how much you wanted it. Or needed it.”
“You’re just lonely. I won’t be your booty call. Not anymore,” I stated flatly and looked past his shoulder, refusing to meet his eyes.
“That’s not it. Here I bought you something.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a black box. My heart began to thrash against my chest, and my mouth got dry.
“Brian…” I mumbled, and I wondered what it felt like for my body to go into shock, because that was a strong possibility.
“Just open it.” He smiled, his perfect teeth gracing me with their presence.
I opened the box still sitting in the palm of his hand. It was a pair of diamond earrings. They were beautiful. I had never seen anything so shiny. And I obviously had never owned a diamond in my life, let alone a pair.
As I stared at the glistening stones, Brian leaned into me and pressed his lips against mine. My mouth opened up for him as he ran his tongue along mine.
My lingering thoughts threw me over the edge, the ones I wanted to deny but couldn’t. I knew what was right. I knew what I felt.
Nothing.
I felt absolutely nothing when he touched me. All I could think about was Logan. The way my body prickled from a single touch. The way his hot breath against my lips made me crave more of him. The way peace washed over me when he held me. The way he made me…feel.
“Brian, stop,” I muttered as I pushed his body away from mine.
“What?” he quipped, shock covering his face.
“You should go.” I brushed past him and opened the front door, a violent gust of wind bursting inside.
“Are you serious?” His eyebrows knitted together, his eyelids squinting tightly. His mouth formed a solid line as he stared into my eyes, his anger teetering on the edge. He gripped the jewelry box in his fist, clenched tightly. A tantrum was on the verge of erupting.
“Yeah, you need to leave.” I opened the door a little wider.
“Your fucking loss,” he mumbled as he brushed past me, bumping my shoulder in the process, his weight causing me to stumble a step. But I didn’t let it slow me down as I slammed the door behind him, locking it immediately.
Bullet dodged.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I stared at the stack of mail sitting on the bar in the kitchen. The top envelope stared back at me, and my breathing hitched when I read the return address.
Logan Carter.
I snatched the letter up and stared at his handwriting as I shuffled into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Braxton wasn’t home right now, but I didn’t know how I would react to his words, and I needed privacy.
I didn’t give myself enough time to worry about what it would say as I tore it open, sitting on my bed at the same time.
Jess,
First, I want to say I’m sorry. I know you saw me that night, and it killed me. But I couldn’t let you experience that firsthand. I didn’t want to scare you. I’ve gone over my options a million times, and I’ve struggled with how to say this. So I’m just going to say it.
I have to let you go. I thought abo
ut pretending I didn’t want to be with you, but I’m not a good liar, and you would see right through me. But the truth is, you don’t deserve the head case that I am. You deserve someone who will take care of you, someone who’s good for you. I’m not that person. I can’t even take care of myself these days. And I could never ask you to wait until I got myself together, because that day may never come. You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and you deserve more than I can give you.
So please know that if I thought I deserved you, you would never get rid of me. I just want you to be happy, and I know I can’t make that happen.
Take care of yourself.
Logan
I read the letter three more times before I lifted my eyes away from the sheet of paper.
Part of me wanted to focus on the fact that he said he couldn’t be with me. And for a moment, I did. But he didn’t think he deserved me—that was the painful part. He thought so little of himself he didn’t think he deserved me. Me! He was such a good man, so thoughtful and caring that it baffled me to think he was the undeserving one.
It wasn’t right. And it wasn’t the truth.
I spent most of my life giving up on things. I gave up on happiness. I gave up on fairytales. Hell, I had even given up on my dream career. I had convinced myself all these years that being happy wasn’t in the cards for me.
But my days of giving up were over.
I wasn’t giving up on Logan, regardless of the fact that he thought I should. I reached into my nightstand and pulled out the notebook I used to keep track of my monthly bills and found a blank sheet of paper.
Logan,
I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. You’re not a head case, and it shatters me to know you feel that way about yourself. You are an amazing man. In the short amount of time I’ve spent with you, I’ve realized how caring you are. You’re strong, even though you don’t see it. You’re loyal, and it’s beautiful to watch. And regardless of what you think, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. Not the other way around. But I won’t let that stop me. Not anymore. I want you, Logan, flaws and all. I’m not perfect, no one is. And you can tell me you are letting me go, but I’m not letting you go. I choose you, Logan. I want you. Every piece of you.
Maybe it’s our brokenness that brought us together. Sound familiar?
It wasn’t a coincidence that I saw you on the street that day. We were supposed to meet. I believe that with everything inside me.
I’ve never fought for anything in my life. I’ve always just felt weak and given up, convinced my strength was never enough. Convinced I wasn’t enough. But I’ll fight for you, Logan. Because you’re worth fighting for.
So I’m waiting, even if you don’t want me to, you don’t have a choice.
Take care of yourself, but know I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.
Love,
Jess
I slipped on my coat and headed out the door. I couldn’t take the chance this letter wouldn’t get delivered. I refused to let my life depend on the postal system. Besides, it was closed for the night, and I needed this in Logan’s hands as soon as possible. I would deliver the letter directly to Logan’s doctor if the hospital would allow it.
I was in charge of my life now. I wouldn’t back down, and I refused to give up. A type of strength rose up inside me that I had never felt before. I wouldn’t allow him to push me away because he thought it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t let him believe that he wasn’t worthy.
He was perfect in his own way. Perfectly flawed and perfect for me.
And I planned to prove it to him, come hell or high water.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
As soon as my shift was over, I ran through my front door, changing clothes and making myself presentable in record time. I was thankful Reese agreed to meet with me. She was the closest connection I had to Logan, and I had to do whatever was necessary to get through to him.
“Geez, you’re like a tornado rolling through here.” Braxton giggled as she sat curled up with a paperback.
“I’m late,” I mumbled as I rummaged through the catch-all bucket on the bar for my keys I couldn’t find.
“I brought home some tiramisu from school if you want to try it. It’s amazeballs.” She rolled her eyes in ecstasy with her hand over her stomach.
“Maybe later.” I knew it was a lie. My appetite was non-existent since Logan had been in the hospital. And it was wearing on me. I had no energy, and I felt like hell. Combine that with almost no sleep—I was a mess, and it showed.
“Okay.” She looked at me, her eyes full of sympathy. I didn’t want her pity. I just wanted to pull Logan through this.
Thirty minutes later, I walked around the back of Whiskey Bent, which was still closed, to the attached apartment. The brutal night air slashed against my fingers as I gave the door a loud knock, then waited.
“One second.” I heard Reese’s faint voice on the other side of the door.
I pulled my coat tighter against me, bringing it closer to my neck to shield against the wind.
“Hey.” Reese smiled as she opened the door and held it open. “Please, come in.”
“Thank you, and thanks for seeing me.” I gave her a tiny smile, the only one I could muster. I glanced to my left and saw a staircase leading to the apartment.
“Come on.” She nodded upward before climbing the first step. I shook my head to myself and climbed the stairs behind Reese.
When we reached the top step, I couldn’t help but glance around. It was double the size of my apartment and a whole lot nicer. It was simple with black leather furniture and white walls. I was a little jealous if I were being honest. As my eyes made their way to the oversized loveseat in the corner, I was rolled over by intimidation. Logan’s brother made me want to slump down in a corner, although he hadn’t said a word yet.
He had on dark jeans and a long-sleeved, black thermal shirt. His tattoos peeked over the neckline and sprawled out onto his fingertips, his arms folded over his chest. His beard was long and unkempt, his hair disheveled. And his whole look gave off a dangerous vibe, but it was his eyes that scared the hell out of me. He seemed mad or ready to destroy anything in his path with a single look.
“Baby, you remember Jess. Jess, this is Gage, Logan’s brother.” She smiled and his eyes immediately softened when they met hers.
“Hi.” My voice was so meek it was almost inaudible. God, I needed to toughen up; it’s not like he would murder me right here. I hadn’t even done anything to him, but he scared the shit out of me.
“Hey.” His voice, although low, was so deep it rumbled throughout the apartment. He gave me a nod, but hardly made eye contact, and that was just fine with me.
“Can I get you something to drink? Have a seat.” She smiled at me, and it was genuine, which relieved me just a tad.
“No, I’m good. Thank you.” I gave her a timid grin as I took a seat on the far side of the sofa, holding my knees to keep them from bouncing up and down.
Reese sat down next to Gage, and his hand immediately went to her thigh, squeezing it as he raised up, planting a kiss on her shoulder. She leaned her head against him for a moment before reluctantly turning her attention back to me. The tenderness he showed her was unexpected, and I kicked myself for judging him and being scared of his menacing presence. Reese obviously saw something much different in him.
“I got a letter from Logan,” I blurted out. I rehearsed this conversation on the whole ride over here, but all of that went out the window when my nerves took over.
“He told Gage that he wrote you.”
“Did he tell you what it said?” I asked Reese. I knew he told Gage, but I wasn’t quite ready to look him in the eyes or actually speak to him just yet.
She glanced at Gage, and then back at me.
“He did.” There it was again. I really hated it when people looked at me with sympathy.
“Listen, I really care for Logan. I need him to know that.
I wrote him back and delivered it personally to his doctor. But I’m scared he won’t receive it. I’m not giving up on him.”
I felt Gage staring at me, and I looked in his direction. He was feeling me out, it was obvious. He wanted to make sure my intentions were genuine.
“Logan doesn’t see the good in himself.” Gage’s deep voice rumbled, startling me. “He’s been through some fucked-up shit, and he deserves someone who will be there for him. And if you plan on fucking with his head and then deciding to walk, then you need to do it now.”
“Babe,” Reese whispered, putting her hand on his knee. “Just give her a chance.”
“No, it’s okay.” I lifted my shoulders, sitting straight. “I don’t blame you for defending your brother—I admire it. But I need you to trust me. I want what’s best for Logan, and I want to help him in any way I can. I’ve never met anyone like him.” I pressed my open hand to my chest, my heart literally aching. “I just don’t understand what happened,” I continued. “He seemed to have a little…um…episode. But then he smoked, and he was okay. I thought that helped him.”
“It did, but then he quit,” Reese muttered, and I saw Gage’s eyes lock on her frame. She blinked a few times, seemingly lost in thought, and then turned her attention back to me.
“But why? I’m just trying to understand.”
“He thought that’s what he needed to do.” Gage spoke up before Reese had the chance to, and I got the feeling they were hiding something from me.
“Is it because of my past?” I asked, terrified this was my fault. I worried Logan stopped smoking because I grew up around drugs, and it affected me. But it wasn’t the same, and I really thought I had made that clear.
“Your past?” Reese asked, confusion crossing her face.
“My brother overdosed, and my parents were heroin addicts. But this isn’t the same. I tried to convince Logan it wasn’t the same. It’s just pot, and it helps him. I understand that. I thought he knew I understood.” I tilted my head back, trying to keep the tears from falling.