Twisted Paths

by L. L. Collins

  “He doesn’t even look like him,” she cries. “My baby.” She’s always had a soft spot for Carter, not that grandparents didn’t always for their grandchildren. But with him, it was different. Because he’d come into our lives at the most inopportune time, he’d bonded us all like nothing else.

  “I know, Mom,” I stroke her back. “But we have to believe he’s going to be okay. He needs us to believe in him.”

  “I know,” she nods. “He is. He’s a great boy and he’ll fight through all of this. It’s just so hard to see him like that.”

  “It’s hard to be the first time I’ve ever met my son and he’s like that,” Blake admits. “I would pay any amount of money right now to see him walk out of that room and shake my hand.”

  My stomach clenches. I’m terrified of what happens when he wakes up and we have to go down this very uncertain path with him.

  WE’VE SPENT THE last few days sleeping very little, all of us taking turns sitting by Carter’s bedside and talking to him. Ronan hasn’t been by again, though he’s texted Liane and asked her to let him know when Carter woke up so he can help us through the conversation we need to have with him. To be honest, I’m not sure if I want him there or not, because I don’t want him to spin this as some sort of martyr mission. Ronan is only out for himself, and I refuse to believe that him wanting to do the right thing this time means that he’s changed. The fact is, he hasn’t been honest in so long, I’m not sure he really knows how. I know that Carter loves him, so if it helps my son understand, I’ll do anything.

  My parents and sisters are arriving today. Bennett couldn’t come, and as disappointed as I am, I understand. I talked to him on the phone and filled him in on what was happening. We’ve been closer than ever for the last several years since I went into rehab. He promised to come visit on his next school break, and I can’t wait to see him.

  Since we’re hours from our home, Li and I rented a hotel room and have been taking turns allowing the other to shower and get a few hours of sleep. Our parents have been making us leave together, and as hard as it is, it has been good for us. Li hardly ever wants to leave, but I make her. She insists that she isn’t tired, but having watched her instantly fall asleep the second she stops moving several times over the last few days, I know that isn’t true. Mia has gone home, but with the understanding that she’ll be here within hours if she’s needed. I know she’s still worried about Li, and that makes me worried, too. She’s a doctor, after all. Kinsley is also arriving later today. It has been a revolving door of family and friends here, and I think that’s what’s keeping us sane. My shop is being run by my most trusted guys, and I’m okay with that. To be honest, I rarely even think about it, only when they text or call to ask a question.

  Today is the day that they’re planning to stop Carter’s meds that are keeping him in the coma. It has been four days since the accident, and he is stable so they feel it’s time. They said that it could be days, or even longer, until he wakes up on his own, but we have to be ready for it to happen at any time. His vitals have been great, and the doctors are hopeful because his brain wave activity is good. I want him to wake up so badly, but it also makes me want to throw up. He isn’t a little kid I can give a cookie or a toy and break through their exterior. He’s a man. He’s the age I’d been when I lost Li. So I can’t treat him like a child, even though to me he’s the baby I never got to know.

  My phone beeps, shaking me out of my trance. Li’s on her way back from the hotel, after I forced her out of here last night so she could get a hot shower, eat something other than vending machine food, and rest. But it isn’t Li on my phone, it’s my parents. They’re here with Brooke and Bri. I type back that I’ll meet them in the lobby.

  The second I see them, Brooke and Bri start crying. They both wrap their arms around me and I hug them tightly. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them. My parents join us, and we stand in a circle, holding on to each other.

  “How is he?” Brooke speaks first.

  “They stopped the meds this morning that are keeping him in the coma. So now, we wait. It could be hours, days, or weeks. All of it is up to him now. But God, I want him to wake up so badly.”

  “He will,” Bri says. “God, Blake. You’re a dad.”

  I grin. Every time I hear that word in reference to myself, it makes me smile like a fool. “I know. I can’t believe it. All of my dreams have come true now.”

  My mom takes my hands. “Seeing you like this, even under these circumstances, it’s so wonderful. We’ve missed you, Blake. The real you.”

  My dad nods. “Yes, we have, son. We can’t wait to meet him. Where’s Li?”

  “She’s…” I begin, but I stop when I see her rushing through the door. Her blonde hair is flying behind her, and her eyes are wild. My heart instantly stops at the look on her face. I run from them to meet her. “Li? What’s the matter?”

  “They didn’t call you? You aren’t up there?” She stops and sees my family there, but she doesn’t even react. Her chest is heaving and she has sweat dotted on her forehead.

  “What is it, Li? Talk to me.”

  She grabs my hand and turns to my family. “He’s awake, Blake. Our son is awake.” We all rush for the elevators. It’s not until the doors close behind us that Li realizes she never said hi to them.

  “I’m so sorry,” she says, hugging both of my sisters and then my parents. “It’s so great to see you. Thanks for coming.”

  “You’re our family,” my mom says, and I fight against a lump that forms in my throat. My stomach is in knots over seeing Carter awake, and my emotions are at a high. “You’ve always been, but now we know you really are. We’re so sorry to hear all that’s happened, Li.”

  Li reaches over and wraps her fingers with mine. She looks into my eyes. “We are, too. But all that matters is that we’re here together, now. And Blake’s about to meet his son for the first time.”

  “How should we handle this?” I ask.

  She nods like she’s been thinking of this the whole ride here, because she probably has. “I think I need to go in first. I called Ronan right after the hospital called me. He’ll be here in a few hours.” I clench my jaw, but make myself stop. I have to be okay with this, because it’s for Carter. “I need to see how aware he is. If he’s not up for it, we don’t do this today. Okay?”

  The elevator stops on the ICU floor and we all step off. Brooke and Bri each grab one of my hands and squeeze. Having them here makes me feel so much better. We see her parents, waiting outside the glass walls of the ICU where we’ve all spent so much time. My parents hug hers, knowing now that they’ve become much more than just lifelong friends. They’re both Carter’s grandparents.

  Our mothers sob into each other’s shoulders, murmuring things we can’t hear to one another. Our dads hug briefly and then begin talking quietly, both of them looking at their wives. It’s the first time in years that our entire families have been together with Li.

  “I’m going to go in,” she says, pressing her lips briefly to mine. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m as okay as I’m going to be until I see Carter,” I admit. “It’s killing me that you’re going in there without me. And that Ronan is on his way here.”

  She smiles, and I know it’s not because of what I said. It’s because all of Mia’s discussion with us is working. I’m telling her my fears instead of bottling them up.

  “What if he never wants anything to do with me, Li? I don’t know if I can handle that. All I want to do is burst in there and take him in my arms and tell him how much I love him, that I’m sorry I missed out on everything.”

  “I get it,” she says. “I know that this is going to be difficult. No matter what condition Carter’s in when I go in there, him finding out that his dad hasn’t been his dad his entire life is going to be hard. But I have faith that all of us being there with him and helping him through this will help. If we let him know that we’re listening and he can ask whatever questions
he needs to in order to understand, I think it’s only a matter of time before he comes around. As much as I wish Ronan never had to be a part of this ever again, the fact is, he needs to be. If we went in there and dropped this bomb on Carter and cut Ronan out of the picture completely, he’d never forgive us. We may think the man doesn’t deserve to take up space on this Earth, but Carter doesn’t know that man. He adores him and always has. No matter what, Blake, we’re in this together. Are you hearing me?”

  I nod, realizing that’s exactly what I needed to hear. I know she’s right, on all levels. My insecurity is getting the best of me again.

  “Answer me,” she says gently.

  “I know,” I say. “Thank you. I needed that. Now go see him. I’ll be out here pacing, waiting for an update.”

  She nods, kissing me again before walking away. I watch as she disappears into the ICU. “It’s going to be okay,” Brooke says. My eyes meet hers, and I hope to God that’s true. Because watching her walk into our son’s room without me had just torn my heart out.

  THE STEPS INTO Carter’s room seem like the longest of my life. I’ve been here for so many days, all the nurses and doctors recognize me. The walk into his room this time is different. My baby is awake. My hands shake, so I shove them into my pockets. The fear of what I’m going to see when I step foot into that room almost sends me into a panic attack again. Except I know he needs me now more than ever, so I force the overwhelming thoughts away.

  The nurse walks out just as I approach the door. Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles. That’s a good sign, right? “How is he?” I’m afraid to know, but I feel like I need some sort of preparation for what I’m about to walk into.

  “He’s alert and talking,” she says. “I told him you were on your way up, so he’s waiting on you.”

  “Has the doctor been in?”

  She nods. “Yes, just after he woke up so about an hour ago. He’ll be back around later after his rounds. He was optimistic with Carter’s initial tests. Go on in.”

  Relief floods my system. I walk in, and Carter’s eyes are shut. I stand there, amazed at how different he looks just since yesterday. The ventilator is gone, as are all of the things on his head. The bruises and lacerations on his face are starting to fade, and I can see more of him than I’ve seen in four days.

  I step up to the bed, wanting him to open his eyes and call me ‘Mom’, but also not wanting to disturb him. I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen to you, I think. I wish I didn’t have to destroy your whole life. If only we’d known back when you were a little boy. At that point, you might’ve remembered it, but it wouldn’t be as traumatic. God, I can’t wait for you to get to meet your Dad. He’s so amazing, and I have no doubt you will bond with him. But I’m terrified, Carter. This is all new territory for us.

  Carter moves, blinking his eyes open and fixating them on me. “M-mom?” My knees buckle, but I force myself to not lose it now. My son just said my name. He knows me.

  “Carter,” I cry. “God, you scared us. I’m so glad to see you awake. Are you in any pain?”

  “A little,” he says. “My throat is so dry from that tube. Can you get me some water?”

  I pour some into a cup and hold it to his mouth. When he’s finished, I can’t help myself, I have to touch him. He smiles, allowing me to act like he’s a little boy still. “When I got that call, Carter…”

  “That guy came out of nowhere,” he explains. “It’s all a blur. I can’t even remember what happened. I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Carter.”

  “How many days have I been here?”

  “Four. They had you in a coma because you had some pressure in your brain. They just took you off the medicine a few hours ago. You were ready to wake up, I guess.”

  He looks past me. “Where’s Dad?” My heart stops before restarting, smashing painfully against my ribcage. “I kept having these crazy dreams. At least I think they were.”

  “What kind of dreams?” I wonder how far away Ronan is, or if today is the day to even tell Carter what’s happening. What if we set him back in his recovery? Maybe I should ask the doctor. But then that would mean telling the doctors our crazy story.

  “It was so weird,” Carter says. “I knew I was here. It was like I could see myself in the bed. Like I was another person. Does that make sense?” I nod, my throat dry. I’d heard people say this before, like they’d been in that place between survival and death and had to make a choice. “I kept seeing you sitting here. And there was a guy here, too. But I’d never seen him before. It looked kinda like it could’ve been me as an older adult.”

  My mouth drops open. It wasn’t a dream. He’d somehow seen Blake and me at his bedside. I have no idea what to say. My palms are beginning to sweat. His eyes watch me, reading my reaction. “It wasn’t a dream, was it?”

  “Well, I was here with you, almost the entire time,” I deflect, wishing and hoping that Ronan would get here.

  “This guy,” he continues. “He kept talking to me. At first, I couldn’t understand what he was saying, like I was underwater. But he kept coming in, sometimes with you and sometimes alone. I don’t know who he is, and that’s why the dreams are so confusing. He kept talking about you, and us, and being a family. He said he was my dad.”

  I can’t do this. There’s no way I can handle this on my own. I look back at the door, willing Ronan or Blake or someone to come save me from having to do this without them. Who knew that someone could dream while being in a medically induced coma with a brain injury? And by dream I mean be conscious enough to understand that we were talking, because he hadn’t been dreaming at all? He’d seen us and listened to Blake talk to him. I could look at him and tell him it was a vivid dream and that I was so thankful he woke up and was with us now. If I do that, very soon he’s going to know I lied to him and what good is that going to do?

  “After a while, what I was seeing would start getting farther away, like I was in a tunnel. I was fighting to get back, but it was like going upstream. The next thing I knew, I blinked my eyes open and I was the one in the bed, not outside of it looking at myself. None of this makes sense. What was that?”

  “I’m not sure,” I explain. “I’ve read articles before on people that were fighting for their lives. Sometimes strange things happen and it’s really your body choosing one path or another. There’s no real explanation except it wasn’t your time yet, Carter. And I’m so glad for that. I couldn’t live without you.”

  “Was there a guy here with you, Mom? I even saw him holding your hand, putting his arms around you, and kissing you. I wanted to talk to him, but my mouth wouldn’t work. I could only watch, like a movie playing in front of me.”

  The door swishes open, and I almost drop to my knees in relief. The doctor walks straight to Carter, flipping his chart open. “Well hello there, Mr. Collier,” he booms. “It’s sure great to see those eyes bright and aware.” Carter Collier. His name is a lie. All of these years, he should’ve been Carter McIntyre. Tears sting my eyes as I think of that. Blake’s namesake. The doctor runs Carter through a series of commands and he responds immediately with no delay.

  After several minutes, he flips the chart closed and turns to me. “He looks great. In my professional opinion, he’s defied all the odds. I wasn’t so sure he would even survive past the first night, much less wake up within hours of stopping the medicine. This boy has a will to live. Now he’s not going to be able to walk out of here right away or anything. We’re going to start by moving him to a regular room later today. He’s stable enough to give up his ICU spot. But we’re going to watch him for any lasting effects from the head trauma, not to mention he’s got to recover from the rest of his injuries.”

  “How long do you think he’ll have to be here?”

  “I would say at least another week,” the doctor answers. “Even then, he’ll need to go home with you so he can be taken care of. He’s going to have to be excused from his college semester. H
e’ll need some healing time, and it’ll be hard for him to focus on much for a while.”

  “That’s fine,” I say. “He can come home with me.” The second I say it, I wonder what that’s going to be like. Carter knows nothing about what has happened. My home isn’t the home he’s going to think it is, and it’s not with the person he thinks I’m with. “Thank you, doctor.”

  He shakes my hand, then Carter’s. “You take care of yourself,” he says. “You gave your family a real scare, that’s for sure. And us, too. I have the transfer paperwork in, so now it’s just up to when they have a room and come to move you. Until then, try to rest. I know your family wants to see you, but you need to make sure you don’t overdo it.”

  He walks out, leaving me to worry about what Carter is going to ask me now. He’s already asked me two questions I avoided. His eyes are closed when I look back at him, so I take out my phone and type a quick text to Ronan asking where he is, then one to Blake giving him the brief version of what Carter said. Just as I’m finishing writing to Blake, Ronan texts that he’s coming up the elevator. As much as I never thought I’d be relieved to see that he’s here again, I am. Because I have no idea how to cross this hurdle.

  “Liane,” Ronan says, stepping into the room. His eyes go directly to Carter, whose eyes flutter open at his dad’s voice. I watch as a smile crosses Carter’s face, and my heart breaks a little more.

  “Dad,” he says, and I see the devastation on Ronan’s face. I don’t want to feel sorry for him. He doesn’t deserve it, and I know that he’s been horrible and manipulative for a long time. I can’t help but get choked up at my son’s reaction to him. He loves Ronan, and I don’t want to do this to him.

  “Good to see you, buddy. You sure gave us a scare.”