Twisted Paths

by L. L. Collins

  “That’s what I hear,” he says, looking over at me. If there’s something Carter’s always been, it’s perceptive. “So, what’s going on? You both look like someone has died, and I know it isn’t me, because I’m here talking to you. Unless I really have died and I’m talking to you in another crazy dream.”

  Ronan looks at me, a question in his eyes. He wants to know if this is the right time, but I have no idea. Our son just woke up from a life threatening injury mere hours ago. Is that the right time to crush his soul? I also know though that waiting and pretending everything is fine isn’t going to make it easier, either.

  “Your grandparents are here, too,” I deflect again. “They can’t wait to see you, but they’re going to wait until they move you so we can all see you at once.”

  He nods, his eyes trained on both of us. “Something’s happened. And not just me in an accident.”

  “Your mom and I,” Ronan begins, and I feel sick. The coffee I sucked down to keep me going sloshes in my stomach, threatening to visit. “We’re getting divorced.” Of the two things we have to tell him, I guess that’s the one to hit him with first.

  Carter’s eyes widen, and he looks at me to see my reaction. I can’t find it in me to look upset about it, so his eyes swing back to Ronan’s. “Why?”

  “Son, there’s so much we need to tell you.”

  TEARS THE SIZE of raindrops run down Carter’s face. I haven’t seen tears like those since he was a little boy and he’d scrape his knees outside. As if it isn’t bad enough to find out that your parents are divorcing, Ronan is about to drop the largest bomb on him. The urge to run and get Blake is so strong, I have to force myself to stand there. All it will do is confuse Carter, and he’ll realize the man he saw in his ‘dream’ is Blake.

  He grips my hand, his eyes trained on Ronan. He knows it isn’t over. “I haven’t been a good man,” Ronan begins. Carter shakes his head.

  “What are you talking about? Of course you’re a good man!” He looks to me to validate him, but I can’t. Not this time.

  “I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I’ll tell you all of them, if you really want to know. But know this. The one thing I’ve done right is love you, Carter. I’ll always love you, no matter what. But you need to know the rest of the truth. See, when your mom and I were your age, we split up for a while. Your mom was in love with someone else, and I knew it. I couldn’t take no for an answer, so I decided to make sure she ended up with me. Then we found out you were on your way, so we got married.”

  Carter’s eyes swing to mine. “You never loved him?”

  “I did love him,” I defend, forcing myself not to shoot a dirty look at Ronan. Of course he would spin it like it was me. “I was a confused kid. We got married and had you, and even though it was hard, I was happy.”

  “When you were a few years old, we wanted more kids,” Ronan continues. “And that’s when I made the biggest mistake of all.”

  Carter narrows his eyes. “What do you mean?”

  “I…” Ronan’s voice breaks, and my eyes fill with tears. This is it. He turns to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I’m not sure if it’s to comfort me, him, or Carter, but nothing can soften this blow. “I found out that you weren’t my son.”

  Silence settles over the room as Carter hears and understands the words that were just dropped into the room like a grenade. He cries out, squeezing his eyes shut. I want to ask him if he’s in pain, but I know that the answer is obvious. We’ve just ripped out his heart. The physical pain is probably nothing to the rest right now.

  “I never told anyone,” Ronan says softly. “Because I loved you too much to lose you. Your mom just found out while you were here in the hospital. I’m so sorry, Carter. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I handled so many things wrong in my life, and I’m serving the ultimate price for them. After all of this, I’m going to be alone. And I deserve to be.”

  “Who?” Carter says, his voice strained.

  I know what’ he’s asking, and he’s no longer looking at Ronan. His eyes are boring straight into mine. “His name is Blake McIntyre.”

  Carter studies me for so long, I wonder if he heard me. “I heard you say his name,” he says finally. Ronan turns to look at me, but I have no idea what Carter means. “He was here, right?”

  “He is here, Carter. He’s been here the whole time.”

  “He was the one in the room with you. He was telling me he was my dad. It wasn’t a dream, was it?”

  “No. I can’t explain how you were able to understand what was happening, since you were in a coma,” I say. “But yes, that’s exactly what you saw. It wasn’t a dream.”

  “Who is he?”

  “We’ve been friends our entire life,” I explain, trying to ignore that Ronan is still standing here. “Our parents were friends and we spent two weeks together every summer. We were in love with each other when we were your age. Then a whole lot of things happened.” I can’t help it, I look over at Ronan. We wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for him. “We haven’t seen each other since that summer. When your dad said he wanted a divorce, I went back to the beach to Nana and Papa’s time share. That’s when we saw each other again. I’m not going to lie to you. We’re together now. I moved out of our house and I’m living with Blake in Fort Myers. I got a teaching job there. And I’m happy. Really, really happy. So don’t get angry at your dad… er… Ronan. He made mistakes, but he does love you.”

  “What’s going to happen?”

  “We’re all going to be here for you, Carter. We know this is a lot. Honestly, if you hadn’t started asking questions, we probably would’ve waited a few days. You need to rest. None of this has to be figured out right now. But Blake, he’s here. His parents and sisters are here, too. They’re your family. No one is pressuring you into seeing them, because we want to do what’s best for you.”

  He closes his eyes but doesn’t say a word. I can understand him wanting to shut out the world, because that’s sometimes the only thing we can do to try to survive what’s happening.

  “SHE’S BEEN IN there for so long,” I pace, running my hands through my hair. “He’s in there with her.” I can’t take it. It’s been over an hour since I saw Ronan walk past all of us and into the ICU. I hate it. Every single second of it. It should be me in there with my family.

  “Blake.” Brooke walks up and puts her hands on my arms. “It’s going to be okay. Breathe.” I know she’s right. I’m panicking. Both Li and my families look up from where they’re sitting, watching me. It’s been the longest hour of all of our lives. I wonder if they’re telling him what’s going on, or if they’re just sitting there pretending that everything is okay. I want to look into the eyes of my son and see him, really see him for the first time.

  “I need to go in there,” I say.

  “No you don’t,” Bri says. “You need to let them do what’s right for him, Blake. You’re emotional, and I get that, but there isn’t anything good going to come from you bursting in there. He doesn’t know you.”

  “That’s the fault of the douchebag in that room with him! I can’t stand it!”

  “Blake,” my mother appears before me. “We know you’re upset. We all are. You missed out on something you should’ve never had to. We missed out on him, too. Getting angry about it now isn’t going to make it better. You know Liane is doing everything she can to make this as bearable as it can be for all of you. The boy just woke up out of a coma to find out that he never really knew who he was. Can you imagine that? Think back. The last time you saw Li, you were Carter’s age. Think about that. Now put yourself in his shoes.”

  I deflate, my anger dissipating like hot air let out of a balloon. “I just want nothing more than to take him in my arms and love him,” I say.

  “He knows,” Li appears, her face streaked with tears. Ronan stops right behind her, but I can’t look at him. I want him to disapp
ear now. She holds out her hands and I take them, searching her face for the answers I want but can’t make myself ask.

  “I’ll be back later,” Ronan says. “Liane, text me when they move him to the room and he wakes up. I think the three of us should talk to him together.”

  “Oh, you do, do you?” I seethe. Li squeezes my hand, and I shift my eyes off of him. She nods slightly, and I breathe out. “Yes. Okay. I’m sorry.”

  Ronan nods, looking over at our family. He doesn’t say anything else and walks to the elevators.

  “Tell me,” I say, pulling her to the chairs. “I need to know. Everything.”

  “You won’t believe this,” she says, and our family all leans in to listen. “When I went in, before Ronan got back, he knew you’d been there, Blake.”

  I shake my head, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

  “He said he was dreaming, and he could see himself in the bed. He saw me and you there. He even knew that you told him you were his dad.”

  My head is spinning. “What?”

  “I know. I couldn’t believe it either. When he first said that, I thought I might pass out. I was able to deflect answering him for a while since the doctor came in and then Ronan arrived. There’s no explaining it, Blake, but he knew. He even said, ‘the guy looked like me, just older’.”

  “He sees it,” I murmur. My son sees that he looks like me. I can hear sniffling from our families, but I can’t disconnect my eyes from Li’s. “How did he take it?”

  “He’s upset,” she answers. “It’s a lot for him to handle right now. He just woke up with all these questions. I wish we could’ve waited until he had some time to process all that’s happened, but it is what it is.”

  “So how did you leave things?”

  “I told him that you were here, and your parents. We told him we’re all going to be here for him, and that we can take it as slow as we need to. He’s asleep now.”

  “Do you think I could go see him?”

  Li looks at her parents, then back to me. “I think we should wait a bit. They said they’re moving him out of ICU and to a regular room. If that’s okay, let’s give him some time to rest.”

  “I agree, son,” my dad speaks up. “Let’s let the boy’s head get wrapped around all that’s happened. I think what he told you, Li, was a miracle. Somehow he was able to process all of that while he wasn’t conscious.”

  “What did the doctor say about that?” I ask.

  “I didn’t tell him,” she admits. “I didn’t want to get into all of this with them. Carter said he’d been watching us for a while, and then all of a sudden we were far away in a tunnel and he felt like he was swimming upstream.”

  “He was fighting to come back,” my mom says. “I’ve read articles like that before.”

  “Me too,” Li says. “It’s always hard to believe. But there’s no denying that Carter wasn’t awake, yet he knows. He said it was like watching a movie right in front of him. He knew so many things he shouldn’t have been able to know.”

  “He’s a miracle,” Li’s mom says. “We’ve always known he was special. Now we know why.”

  “Why?” I can’t help but ask.

  “Because this was all meant to be,” she says. “Not that all of it hasn’t been terrible, because it has. This summer, Carter brought you two together. If it hadn’t been for him going to college, Ronan probably would’ve continued the charade. So you found each other again through that. And now, he brought you together as a family. Had this accident not happened, who knows how much longer it would’ve been until you found out the truth. We’d like to say Ronan would be honest, but we know he’s not the greatest at that. His life is a miracle.”

  I take Li in my arms, relishing in the smell of her hair and the comfort having her near me brings. “Our miracle,” I say into her ear.

  THEY FINALLY GET him into his own room on a regular floor, so we’re all allowed to go in and see him. It’s been over six hours since Ronan and Li dropped the bomb on him, and the anticipation of meeting his eyes for the first time as father and son is driving me out of my mind. Li hasn’t texted Ronan yet; we decided to go in and see him first and see how he is holding up.

  “Give us just a few minutes with him first,” Li says to our families. “Mom, can you hold my phone? Kinsley should be here any time. Just tell her where to go if she calls, okay?” She hugs Beth before turning back to me.

  She holds my hand as we make our way down the new hallway to our son’s room. There’s no glass doors, and there’s a lot more noise here. We can hear people talking and laughing. It’s a much different mood than just a few floors up. “Here it is.” I stop, staring at the closed door, and she turns back to look at me. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m so scared, but excited as well.”

  “I know,” she says. “Come on. Let’s go. Carter needs you.” Carter needs me. I certainly hope that’s the truth.

  She pushes the door open and we step through the wide doorway together. Carter turns his head to look at us, having heard the door, and while his eyes flit to his mother, they settle on me. He opens and closes his mouth, but nothing comes out. I can see the bright blue of his eyes across the room, and his hair is spiked on top of his head. With all the bandages and tubes gone, I can really see him. I realize I’ve stopped dead in my tracks when Li pulls me closer.

  “Carter,” she breaks the silence.

  “It’s you,” he says in response, talking directly to me.

  I nod. “I’m…” I want to say I’m your father, but I can’t make myself say it out loud yet before I know his reaction. “I’m Blake McIntyre.”

  “You’re my dad,” he says matter-of-factly. “My real dad.” I still can’t gauge his feelings about it, but I smile anyway.

  “Yes. I just found out too, Carter.”

  “I know,” he says. “I heard what you said to me, while I was in the coma. I didn’t understand it until my dad… my other dad… told me. I thought I’d been hopped up on some crazy drugs or had been having some whacked out dream, but that’s not the case. I’m really your son. You’ve loved my mom for your entire life.”

  “Yes,” I choke out, wrapping my arm around Li’s shoulders. “I wish I would’ve known, Carter. It kills me.”

  “My dad kept it from you,” he says. “Both of you.”

  “Yes.”

  “He’s not a good person,” he says. I want to argue with him, but I can’t.

  “He hasn’t made the best choices,” Li interjects. “But we’re going to move on from here, okay? Do you have any questions?”

  Tears shimmer in Carter’s eyes. “I’m so confused,” he admits. “I don’t understand why any of this had to happen. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. My last name shouldn’t be Collier. My family that I thought was my family isn’t. I look at you, Blake, and I see myself. It’s exciting and terrifying. I don’t know you, and that sucks.”

  “It does,” I admit. “There’s nothing we can do about that now, but what I can tell you is this. I love your mom, and I always have. We’re in this for the long haul, Carter. I want to be there for you, too, but I also understand that you can’t just jump into being my son. You’ve had a dad your entire life, and I’m not him.”

  “He lied to me,” Carter whispers. “He lied to you.” His eyes link to his moms and the look that he gives her almost drops me to my knees. All kids love their parents, but what I see in the interaction between Li and Carter is way more than just a regular parent-child relationship. He adores her. And if I had to guess, he’s been the one making her happy their entire lives.

  “He did,” Li says. “In a lot of ways. I know you won’t understand this now, but someday you will. Being in love with someone, it’s everything. I’ve been in love with you since the day I knew you were coming, but that love is different. That’s the love of a parent to a child. When you find your soul mate, Carter, nothing can change the connection you have with them. So while the whole thing we’v
e been put through has kept us apart for too many years, we’re going to be okay because we were meant to be. I don’t expect you to understand me going from being married to your… Ronan… to now being with Blake. I want to talk you through any concerns you have. Just know this isn’t something I’ve entered into lightly, and it’s not something temporary.”

  “I don’t have any concerns,” Carter says. “I can look at him and see that he looks at you the way Dad never did. I thought he loved you. He took care of us and we never wanted for anything. But while I was asleep and thought I was dreaming and now, seeing the two of you standing here, I see the difference.”

  I kiss Li on the forehead, unable to stop myself. My son sees my love for my Li and her love for me. “Someday you’ll know this feeling,” I tell him.

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” Li furrows her brow, looking over at me.

  “What’s the matter, Carter?”

  “Nothing,” he says, turning back to us. “What should I do? Should I still talk to Dad?”

  “No one is going to stop you from having a relationship with him,” I say, knowing he needs to hear this from me. “That’s completely up to you.”

  “I’m angry with him. Really, really angry,” Carter says. “I assume you’re the one that gave him the black eyes and broken nose?”

  I nod, shame filling me. What lesson am I teaching my son? “Yes.”

  “I wish I could do the same.”

  “Carter,” Li interrupts. “He still loves you.”

  “If he loved me, he wouldn’t have lied to me my entire life. Can you bring in Nana and Papa? I want to see them.”

  We exchange a look. “Can I bring in my parents, too? They’d like to meet you. My sisters are here, too.”

  Carter squeezes his eyes shut, and I wonder if this has been too much, too soon. “They don’t have to, bud. We can wait.”

  “No,” he says finally. “Bring them in.”

  “Are you sure?” Li asks.

  “I don’t know the people I’m related to, and I don’t want to waste any more time not knowing them. Bring them in.”