Vicious Circles

by Leann Andrews

  “Look at you, Fallyn. Your nice clothes, nice car and your sexy talented asshole of a boyfriend. You have everything and you never wanted any of it.” She continued to back me into the corner.

  “Don’t stand here and think you’re any better than me, because you aren’t. You’re still that fucked up little girl from Pensacola whose Mommy didn’t love her and oh, poor poor you. Just because you dress the part doesn’t make you a normal person.”

  I must have looked like Mason as my lips opened and closed but no sound came out. She was dead on in her assessment. I was a fucking fraud.

  “You think I don’t know that?” I asked quietly. “I don’t need you to remind me. I look in the mirror every day.”

  The hostile look on Jill’s face smoothed away. She knew she’d gotten to me. “We have to stick together; you know that. It was always just you and I.”

  Before I could respond, Stephanie came strutting through the bathroom door. She took a good look at Jill, who had moved away from me. “There you are!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the door. “Ang and I have been looking for you.”

  I looked back at Jill. She stood with her arms crossed and a determined look on her face. I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her.

  “Who was that?” Stephanie asked innocently as we walked back toward the bar.

  “Someone I’m not friends with anymore.”

  “She looks strung out, Fallyn. I would stay as far away from her as I could if I were you.”

  I considered Mason’s opinion on Jill. She did look tired and worn out but I hadn’t thought she was on something. She looked drunk, which would be normal for her. Maybe I just didn’t want to see what was right in front of me. It was like my brief stint on the Percocet and my inability to see me falling away from myself little by little. Thinking about the pills made me want them again. They made me feel human.

  Midnight was an hous away still but I wasn’t going to make it. The noise and the crowd was beginning to piss me off and all I wanted was to go home, change into a tank top and crawl into bed to watch television. Stephanie offered to drive me home because Angela was wasted but I declined. Instead I hailed a cab.

  I slipped my heels off and climbed the stairs to home slowly. I missed Mason and it was difficult to keep myself occupied while he was gone. I was working at least, but even work didn’t fill up all of my time. As I was climbing, I saw a figure walking across the parking lot, so I stopped. I squinted my eyes against the shadows. For the second time that night I was in the presence of the person I’d never wanted to see again, Jill.

  “Are you following me?” I questioned her in an incredulous tone.

  “Oh come on. You aren’t that hard to find. It’s not like you’ve tried to hide where you live.” Jill climbed the steps behind me.

  “I’m not doing this with you. Our friendship is over, period.” My voice failed me and I didn’t sound that convincing at all.

  “It’s New Year’s Eve. We spent last New Year’s together or have you forgotten?”

  How could I have forgotten? “We sat against the side of some fucking random building, drinking a bottle of stolen liquor. Wow, now that’s something to be proud of.”

  Jill moved up a few steps until she was standing next to me. “I’ve seen all your television spots. You’re a really good actress.”

  I studied her face; what I could see of it in the low security lights. “Thank you.”

  “Can I come in; please? I just want to know how you are and explain my side of things, about Philly.”

  I sighed and played with my keys. “You can come in for a minute.”

  We continued the walk to my front door side by side and in silence. Jill was different somehow. She seemed sad which was unlike her. She was always bitchy but she bitched with a smile on her face. I’d never seen her truly sad the entire time I’d known her.

  “This is a nice place,” she remarked as I opened the door and let her inside first.

  “It’s small but it’s mine.”

  Jill walked around the coffee table to admire the painting. “That is a morbid piece of artwork, Fallyn.”

  “I like it. It was a gift.”

  She continued to walk around and check out my place as if she owed me an approval. I dropped my shoes beside the couch and turned my iPod on before sitting down.

  “Does Mason live here with you?” Jill asked. She ran her hand over a picture frame holding just one of the many photos of Mason and myself.

  “That’s none of your fucking business, Jill.” I wasn’t about to offer her any details on my life.

  I was beyond her as far as I was concerned. Whatever I had, I’d earned and it felt wrong to share it with anyone but the people in my life at that point. Jill was an afterthought; a time in my life that I wanted to leave behind.

  “Aren’t you going to ask how I am Fallyn?”

  It seemed like she was baiting me for some reason or another. I took a good look at her while she waited for me to answer. She had lost weight, not that she weighed much to begin with. Her eyes were prominent on her thin face and there was a small bruised looking area under each one. Jill was not doing well, judging by her appearance.

  “I don’t want to be drawn into your drama. I’m just going to go to sleep so I think it’s time you went.” I stood and tried to push her small frame toward the front door.

  “Wait! I have something you might be interested in, just wait.”

  I continued to push her. “There is nothing you have that I want. I think it’s the other way around.”

  “You mean you’re not interested in this?” Jill asked as she drew a bag of cocaine from the cleavage of her dress.

  I let her go as if I’d been burned. She approached me, swinging the small bag full of white powder.

  “I know all about your Percocet problem. I’ve been hanging out with the asshole that was selling it to you. Does Mason know you were buying pills off the street?”

  “Stop,” I said in a weak voice. No one knew how I’d gotten the Percocet once the refills had run out. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  “Oh really? Well, how about your first job then? Did Mason tell you that he set it up and you were going to get a job no matter what?” She had advanced me backwards until I had nowhere to go but on my ass, on the couch.

  My heart broke. I didn’t know if it was true or not but deep down I didn’t need to. I already believed her. Mason had made sure I would get the job which meant maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was when it came to acting. My boyfriend had called in a favor and I was officially an idiot. I looked up at Jill with tears in my eyes.

  “Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?”

  She smiled and dropped the baggie on the table, followed by a rolled up dollar and a razor blade.

  “I’m your friend, Fallyn. I tell you the truth.”

  I watched her as she bent down and arranged the coke into neat, thin lines on my table top. She handed me the dollar and I took the thing. My heart was pounding almost through my chest as I leaned forward. My phone began to ring and from the corner of my eye I could see Mason’s name on the caller ID. Jill glared at me, willing me silently to inhale the white powder.

  As the last notes of my ringtone ended I pressed the rolled dollar to the line and snorted it. My brain did not fail to register that it was a few minutes past midnight.

  Happy New Year.

  Chapter 17

  I sat up straight and dropped the rolled money to the table. My fingers were numb but I suspected that was because I’d just inhaled cocaine for no good reason. Jill stood across from me with her arms crossed and a smug smile on her face.

  “Well? How was it?” She questioned before taking a line for herself.

  I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know the answer. The only way I had ever experienced being high, if I was being honest, was through the Percocet and in comparison, coke sucked ass.


  “I don’t really feel anything,” I said, slightly annoyed.

  Jill tossed her head back and wiped her nose. “It might take a few times. It works, trust me.” She wiped at the white powder on her nose and wiped the excess on her gums.

  There was a look of horror on my face. Everything was falling into place. Jill’s thin frame, her sunken eyes; it all pointed to what she had become. Somewhere along the way since she’d left me in Philadelphia she started snorting cocaine and whatever else I wasn’t aware of.

  “I…get out. Get out Jill; I can’t do this right now.” I almost couldn’t find my voice in the confusion of the moment. I guess the cocaine did affect me.

  Jill looked at me with questions in her eyes. I stood and rounded the coffee table to where she was standing. I pressed against her shoulder until she moved toward my front door.

  “Will I see you again?” she asked frantically. Her pupils were like saucers and her face was pale as she faced me in the doorway.

  “I don’t know,” I answered. I shut the door after that.

  My phone rang again and I knew without looking, it was Mason. He’d called me to wish me a Happy New Year and I ignored him. I blew him the fuck off. I was inhaling narcotics off my coffee table instead of watching Dick Clark and waiting for his call.

  “Hello?” I answered meekly.

  “Baby, Happy New Year!” he called happily.

  “Happy New Year, Mason.”

  “What’s wrong?” He asked as he picked up on the uneasiness in my voice. “Wait, why aren’t you out with the girls?”

  I laughed nervously. “Oh well, I left early. It wasn’t really my scene. I’m fine, promise.”

  Mason and I talked normally for a few more minutes before I declared I needed to sleep. The truth was I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sit in the dark and think about what I’d just done. Mason could never know. He wouldn’t put up with that shit and I didn’t have to be a genius to realize that. I traveled around my bedroom like a zombie, lost in my own mind.

  Eventually I ended up in bed. I sat there most of the night and some of the early morning with my knees drawn to my chest and my chin resting on my knees. I couldn’t tell if it was the coke or not. I’d never experienced such a thing before.

  Sometime before the sun came up I dozed off and when I woke up it was almost two in the afternoon. I’d slept like a dead person. I was disoriented at first thinking I’d missed work but everything came rushing back to me. The drugs, Jill and my enormous lie to Mason.

  All of my movements were sluggish, like I was in slow motion as I showered and dressed myself. There was a dull ache in my head and my stomach. It reminded me of the withdrawal I experienced when coming off the Percocet but there was something else. It was an urge gnawing at the already frayed edges of myself. I wanted to be high I could feel it coming back to me. I wanted the warm feeling I had when being happy and carefree came so easily. Most of all I wanted the girl back that Mason loved; the girl he didn’t cheat on.

  By that night I was in full on panic mode. It was hard to tell what was driving me to find Jill but I gave in to whatever it was around eleven. I hadn’t eaten all day and I hadn’t talked to Mason. I knew he was busy but nothing could stop me from feeling alone. Sure, I could have called Lynn but she was important to me and no one was going to see me freaking out like I was.

  Before I could stop myself, I was in my car and driving around Hollywood looking for trouble.

  That night trouble was named Jill and her arsenal was stocked to the fucking hilt. It never occurred to me that someone might recognize my car or that someone would even care why I was in a less desirable neighborhood at almost midnight.

  “What’s up?” Jill questioned me as she slid into the passenger seat of my car smelling like cigarettes and sex.

  I slammed my palm against the steering wheel; angry at myself. “What have you got?”

  She caught my gaze head on and laughed. She laughed loudly at my frustration and the fact that she had been right about me. “I knew you’d be back. I know you better than most people Fallyn and you can’t fucking fool me with the nice clothes and nice car. I see right through that shit. I just hope I’m around when Mason realizes how much of a nutcase you are.”

  I reeled my hand back and let it go; smacking her hard against the cheek. “You bitch. You don’t know anything about me.”

  We both sat silently in my car, seething in anger. It was palpable, swirling around us. That’s how it was with Jill and I. We were the worst sort of friends. We were the devil and his advocate.

  “Shove this up your nose and call me when you need some more,” Jill said finally. She tossed a vial of cocaine into my lap while she rubbed her red cheek with the opposite hand.

  “Get out.” I shoved her shoulder to get her to leave my car and she didn’t resist but she did turn around and lean back in to say one last thing.

  “It’s a shame your mother is dead. She would just love to see you now, Fallyn. Mingling with the upper crust with a dollar bill dangling from your nose.” Jill blew me a kiss and waved. “See you later sweetheart.”

  My mother is dead?

  The events after that conversation are still foggy to me and I actually prefer them that way. For some reason, I inhaled far more cocaine than I was supposed to and truth be told, I didn’t know how much to take anyhow. I wasn’t an expert on narcotics despite my exposure to them growing up. I’d seen my mother shove a needle in her arm once or twice but the image was hidden away in the dark part of my brain.

  The inner parts of my nose were burning and there were tears in my eyes. My heart was racing in my chest and I was expecting to drop dead of heart failure any moment. The reaction was nothing like New Years when I’d first used coke. The second time was far worse. I was almost short of breath but that was from my sheer and utter panic. Thinking any of my actions though was impossible, so grabbing my phone and calling Mason seemed like the natural thing to do.

  “Hello?”

  I knew he could hear me breathing.

  “Fallyn, baby? What’s going on?” He was instantly worried and at the time I couldn’t have cared less. In my eyes, I was about to die.

  “Mason, something is wrong with me. I mean…I don’t know what’s going on. Fuck, I can’t tell you.” I stuttered and stammered through a sentence that made absolutely no sense.

  “What? What is going on?” He demanded. “Calm down and tell me what you’ve done!” He was almost yelling and thinking back I could see why. I was scaring the hell out of him. I scared the hell out of myself.

  “Nothing…well I don’t know.” I started to sob heavily. “I can’t tell you. I just can’t tell you.”

  With that I ended the phone call.

  He called back seven times and left seven voicemails. I didn’t answer his calls and I didn’t listen to his voicemails. After I stopped crying, I regained some of my wits and started to clean the white residue and the paraphernalia off of my coffee table. I blew my nose several times and took a good look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed from crying but my pupils were huge and the sight of me was absolutely shocking.

  Lynn showed up at my apartment an hour after Mason’s last phone call to me. I swung the door open and just stood there, waiting for her to say something. She was dressed in shorts and a UCLA t-shirt. Mason had pulled her from bed to come check on me.

  “Jesus, are you OK?” She asked as she came through the front door. She pulled me into a hug and continued to talk. “Mason called me scared out of his mind yelling something about you not making any sense. Fallyn, what is going on over here?”

  I pulled away and wiped at the wet splotches on my face. “I…I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”

  “I didn’t drag my ass out of bed and halfway across LA to hear you tell me you don’t know what to say, Fallyn.” Her gaze bore into me and I shifted uncomfortably. “Mason was out of his mind and it took me ten minutes to convince him not
to get on a plane and come home.”

  The tension in my place grew as both Lynn and I stood there staring at one another. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell her I was coming down off of the biggest coke high I’d ever experienced. Granted I was terrified, but even that wasn’t enough to make me spill my secret.

  “Maybe it was a panic attack or an anxiety attack. It was sort of like the one I had in Vancouver.”

  My stomach started to churn just a little.

  Lynn pulled me over to the couch and sat us both down. “Maybe it’s time you saw someone, a doctor, about these attacks.”