The Stand-In: my life as an understudy

by Elizabeth Stevens

  Lindy scoffed. “Ella is very busy, you know.”

  I nodded. “Doing what exactly?”

  Lindy visibly bristled. “Important things!”

  Which was definitely code for either Lindy didn’t think she was privileged enough to know what Ella got up to, or Lindy knew full well that Ella was just a lazy sod – although probably in more flattering terms.

  “Lindy!” Milly called.

  Lindy huffed. “I’ll be watching you,” she told me aggressively.

  I nodded. “Of that I have no doubt.”

  She huffed again, then turned on her heel and stalked away to do whatever she was on now the tickets were being sold.

  I shook my head and dragged the ladder over to the second tree to get started.

  I had all the branches attached and was adding the second layer of papier-mâché when Quicksilver started playing something different.

  The boys were playing a song that sounded like slightly modernised version of something from the 50’s, but it was catchy and I found myself smiling and bopping my head while I got papier-mâché more on my fingers than the tree.

  When the song finished, they didn’t start another one and they didn’t seem to be arguing. I looked up to see Govi launch himself off the stage enthusiastically as the others were standing around, still with their guitars, like they were checking a chord or something.

  “That one I liked,” I laughed as he came over to me.

  “Thank you,” he said with his trademark wide smile.

  “Did you write it?”

  He scoffed and put his hand to his heart. “Did I…?” he spluttered.

  “I’ll take that as a no?” I asked uncertainly.

  He shook his head. “Nah. That one’s for my mum. It’s from her favourite movie.”

  “Aw,” I cooed. “Aren’t you cute?”

  He wriggled adorably. “I’m a mumma’s boy, it’s true.”

  I snorted. “That’s no bad thing.”

  He leant towards me conspiratorially. “Not very hardcore rockstar though, eh?”

  I couldn’t help my eyes drifting to Eli. “Not everyone wants a hardcore rockstar, Gove.”

  He nudged me playfully. “Once more. This time like you believe it.”

  I pulled my eyes off Eli and looked at him. “Excuse me?”

  Govi nodded towards Eli. “You heard me.”

  I scoffed and not very believably. “I’m not interested in any rockstars, hardcore or otherwise. Thank you.”

  “Aren’t you though?” he cajoled, nudging my leg with his arm.

  I nudged him right back with my foot and we both laughed as I said, “No. I have a very specific view for my future and it doesn’t involve playboy rock-god wannabes.”

  “Is that so?” Govi said, as though he wasn’t sure whether to believe me or if he should try to make me change my mind.

  I nodded. “It is. I’ve got neon lights in my future, Gove. But unlike you and your friends, mine herald freedom and a more hermitic life.”

  “A hermitic life?” Govi asked. “For those of us more artistically inclined, exactly what is that?”

  “Being one of those mad recluses, hiding from society, bah-humbugging the rest of you chasing stardom.”

  “Ah…” he said slowly. “You disapprove?”

  I shook my head as he passed me some more paper. “Not at all. Each to their own. But stardom is not for me.”

  “And therefore anyone reaching for stardom is also…not for you?” His voice was so uncertain and hesitant that I looked down at him, being slightly shorter with me on the ladder.

  “I… Well, that’s not to say…” I faltered, not sure what was going through his mind.

  If I’d completely missed him having some crush on me or something then I didn’t want to put my foot in it. On the flipside, if he didn’t have some crush on me and I looked like I thought he did, I also didn’t want to put my foot in it. Either way, I could see my foot getting right up in the proverbial it in three…two…one…

  “No. Anyone with dreams of stardom isn’t…not for me.” I stopped, my face scrunching while I tried to work out if that was right as I wiped my hands clean(ish) on a rag I’d found.

  “So…you’re not going to just disappear after the formal’s over and your responsibilities are done, and I’ll never see you again?” he asked.

  Trying to lighten the mood, I joked, “No. I was planning on disappearing once Eli asked Ella.”

  Govi looked up at me quickly, but the panic on his face melted when he saw me grinning ruefully. He scoffed. “Very cute.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  “I’m serious though, Gin. I don’t want you to end up just being some song I sing myself after too much Johnny Walker.”

  I wrinkled my nose, this time as I questioned his drink of choice. “Aw, you’re going to write a song about me?” I teased.

  He smirked. “Maybe.” He took hold of the ladder, his fingers fiddling with the label that was peeling off. “On a related note…”

  “Ye-es…?” I asked slowly when he didn’t continue.

  “I know it’s mates before dates and all…” I saw his face contort like he wasn’t sure how to go on.

  “Gove…what about mates before dates…?”

  “How would you feel about me asking Rica to the formal?” It all came out in a rush before he looked up at me.

  I couldn’t stop the smile of both relief and support. “I’d feel fine,” I told him.

  His face dropped out of uncertainty and into a relieved happiness. “Really?”

  “Of course. Why would you think I’d mind?”

  He shrugged as he took hold of my hand and looked at it. “I didn’t want it to make anything weird. What if Rica said no or she said yes and then we dated for a while but then we broke up and the break up was awful and then I’d lose you because of course you’d have to side with her because you were friends first and I’d be–”

  “Woah!” I laughed, squeezing his hand. “Take a breath, dude.”

  He looked back up at me with a smile that was half apology and half self-deprecating. He breathed in deeply, then let it out. “Breathing again,” he said.

  I put my other hand on his shoulder. “You want to ask her, you ask her. We’ll work out the rest as we go.”

  “I over thought that a little, huh?”

  I nodded. “Just a little.”

  He nodded as well. “I don’t have a lot of people I think of a close friends, Gin. I just don’t want to lose the ones I do have.”

  I smiled softly as the hand on his shoulder moved to his cheek. “Right back at you.”

  There was a twanging crash and Govi and I turned around to see Eli hastily picking up the guitar he’d presumably just dropped.

  “You right, mate?” Govi called.

  Eli seemed to shake off a frown for his drummer and nodded. “Yeah. Fine.”

  “Butter fingers!” Govi laughed then turned back to me. “Which tree do you want me working on?”

  “Which ever one looked less daunting,” I answered.

  Govi looked around. “Okay. And if they all look daunting?”

  “Eeny meeny miny moe?” I offered.

  He sniggered, “Helpful.”

  “If you start singing again…” I warned.

  “Help!” he started and I left him to it while I went on with my tree.

  Govi had made good headway on his tree when I finished mine. As I was climbing down the ladder, my foot slipped again but Eli was there to catch me. Again.

  “Thanks,” I smiled, letting him hold my arm as I found my way to the floor.

  “Ah. No worries.” He pointed at the tree. “Looks good.”

  “It’s not too bad, hey? Govi’s is looking better, though.”

  Eli followed my gaze over to Govi, then shrugged. “It’s all right.”

  I frowned a little, wondering what was up with him. But I
thought it might be better not to mention anything.

  “Uh…” he started, looking around. “So the guys thought they might hang around and give us a hand?”

  I smirked. “A semi-famous rockband are going to stoop to building decorations?” I teased.

  There was a ghost of a smirk on his face. “Never let it be said we forget where we came from.”

  I snorted. “Sure.”

  “So where do you want us then?” Ramsey asked as he walked over, rolling up his sleeves.

  “Can you be trusted to a tree of your own?” I asked him.

  He looked up from his arm. “Can I…?” He looked at Eli, then back to me and grinned. “Yeah, I think I can manage.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on it,” Lake said as he strolled behind Ramsey, all elegance and nonchalance. “This one okay for me?”

  I nodded. “Have at whatever you want.”

  Lake paused in his inspection of the tree to look at me, an eyebrow raised. “And If I want to have at you?”

  I flushed bright red by the feel of my cheeks, but Eli answered before I had a chance to say anything.

  “Then you are shit out of luck,” he growled.

  “Mr Aggression over there is not wrong!” Govi called, his tone chipper.

  Lake smirked. “Message received and understood.”

  He gave Eli a look I couldn’t decipher before he went to work.

  Ramsey needed a little bit more direction and was less than thrilled to take it. Lake, on the other hand, was quite happy to let Govi show him a better way of doing things. And that was only when Govi wasn’t charging ahead and getting shit done all on his own initiative. Eli was usually like Govi, but every now and then kept asking me questions. And they weren’t just about the trees.

  “Clo?”

  “Yes, Eli?”

  “What do you think? Lake reckons go from ‘That Thing You Do’ into ‘One More Time’, but Ramsey thinks ‘Africa’ first and finishing with ‘High Hopes’ is better.”

  I paused and looked around at the others, who also seemed confused as to why Eli was asking me.

  “Um…” I stalled. “Which one is ‘That Thing You Do’?”

  “The one for my mum,” Govi answered.

  “And Panic! At the Disco?”

  “That’s the one.”

  I nodded. “Right. Um, well… I would have no idea, actually.”

  Eli sighed. “Your uneducated opinion, then?”

  I looked at him, affronted. “How do you know my opinion would be uneducated?”

  He did have the decency to look apologetic, but he teased, “Of course. You play piano. My bad. A knowledge of the classics will definitely give you a good grasp on modern set lists.” He winked though so I remembered it was teasing. At least, I chose to think that was why he was winking.

  “I never said I had a knowledge of the classics. I could be the authority on modern set lists,” I laughed.

  “Are you?” Govi asked, poking his head around his current tree.

  I shook my head, managing to climb off the ladder all by myself, and headed over to our table. “Not at all.”

  “Okay,” Eli said. “So what is your semi-qualified, maybe or maybe not educated opinion?”

  I looked back at him with a smile. “‘That Thing You Do’ then ‘One More Time’, ‘High Hopes’ then ‘Africa’. Should allow for a decent flow and build the atmosphere.”

  I heard Ramsey say something behind me, but was distracted because Eli appeared beside me.

  “Good idea. You sure your thing isn’t music?” he asked quietly and his body warmth suddenly felt very close.

  I shook my head and held up my gluey hands. “It’s quite clearly become papier-mâché.”

  He huffed a soft laugh. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Chloe Cowan.”

  “I think you might give me too much, Elijah Sweet,” I replied

  “Impossible,” he breathed.

  I looked up to find him looking down at me. There was an intense heat in his eyes, but it was different than the smoulder. There was something sexy about that hint of a half-smile, but it wasn’t cocky arrogance. Everything about him was hot, but it was softer, more gentle. I didn’t want to admit it was all unintentional on his part, but I definitely couldn’t pull him up on doing it on purpose.

  I cleared my throat as I looked back at the table and tried to remember what I’d gone over for. “There’s no depths to explore here, Eli…”

  “Govi was right, wasn’t he?” he asked.

  I uselessly moved some bits of cardboard around. “About what?”

  “That you understand me far better than I’d like.”

  I looked up again and his honey gaze pinned me. “The understanding seems mutual,” just popped out of me. I felt my cheeks flush and was more than grateful when Milly called out that we could go.

  Govi arrived beside us, nattering away about something, which gave me a chance to compose myself. He and the other boys helped me pack things up. We were standing in the hallway when I realised I’d left my phone on the table among the cardboard.

  “You coming, Gin?” Govi asked.

  I shook my head. “I forgot my phone. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Cool, cool.” Govi hugged me.

  “See ya, Gin,” Ramsey called as they all headed off and I nodded.

  I let them get out of sight before hurrying back to find even Milly had left.

  Thinking I had the auditorium all to myself, my eyes drifted up to the piano and thought, to hell with it. I climbed up on stage and sat down.

  I’d never been the girl who wanted to play in front of adoring crowds; that was Ella, she who didn’t care what she did as long as it was in front of adoring crowds. But maybe, just once, I wanted to see what it felt like to play on a stage. Sure the auditorium stage wasn’t huge and there was going to be nothing but arts and crafts to hear me, but still.

  My fingers hovered over the keys. I let them fall and waited to see what came out.

  Unexpectedly, I played ‘Let Me Be Myself’ by 3 Doors Down.

  And I accompanied myself with vocals.

  But I went with it.

  There was something that felt weirdly poignant about it, but I ignored that. It would be my time soon. I was strategically living as the understudy to someone else’s life. Soon I could be my own person. It was planned.

  When I got to the end of the song, I sat and stared at the piano for a moment.

  “You know,” a voice started and I jumped, “a person’s song choice says a lot about them.”

  I turned to look at Eli, pretending my heart wasn’t running a million miles a minute and for more than one reason. “Is that so?”

  He nodded and hauled himself onto the stage. “It is.”

  “And what does that particular choice say about me?”

  “That I was right before and you’re a lot more talented than you give yourself credit for.”

  I shrugged. “Years of practise will do that to you.”

  He dropped onto the seat beside me. “The talent or the short-changing?”

  “Both.”

  He nodded his head once. “I didn’t know you played.” His head dropped sideways before he amended, “I didn’t realise you’d play so well.”

  My hands wrung in my lap. “I play.”

  He huffed a laugh. “I see that.”

  “I thought you were going.”

  “I…also left something behind…” he said cryptically.

  We sat in silence for a while, both just staring at the keys in front of us. Eventually, Eli stated tinkering with the keys. He seemed to just be messing around, until I recognised ‘Heart and Soul’. I kept my head down against a smile and joined him.

  “Naw, are we duet-ing?” Eli cooed.

  I nudged him as we kept playing. “That’s not a word.”

  He nudged me back. “Is now.”

  “You
’re not famous enough to just make up words.”

  “Yet.”

  “Arrogant.”

  He laughed, “Yes,” then started singing Train’s ‘Play That Song’.

  So I joined him. We shared a few smiles as we sang and played together, and I didn’t chastise myself for the way my heart fluttered at the easiness of it all. I chose to live in the moment and just enjoy myself. After all, two people could play piano and sing together without it meaning anyone was interested in anything more than friendship.

  Douchebags gonna douche

  Friday lunch, Eli and I were back on ticket sales. There were enough people on the committee that you’d think we might not have had to do it twice. But people were quite terrible at volunteering and, so when Milly asked me, I’d felt bad for her and said yes.

  Rica and Govi were hanging out on the other side of the corridor from us, being generally unhelpful but keeping us entertained. Lake and Ramsey had needed to go and talk to their music teacher about something so had left only a few moments ago and Eli and I were watching Govi and Rica do what we assumed they thought was some kind of slapstick routine.

  Eli leant towards me. “On a scale of one to ten, how likely is she to break his heart?”

  I shrugged and leant back in my chair. “How likely is he to break hers?”

  Eli cocked his head to the side. “Fair.”

  I snorted. “That’s not an answer.”

  “At least I didn’t answer with a question. And the same question I’d asked.”

  I smiled. “No. But Rica’s not the semi-famous rockstar with a little bit of a reputation.”

  “Neither is Govi.”

  I looked at him in confusion.

  “That would be me.”

  I smiled, but it was a cover for the way my heart dropped, before I looked away. “So I’m aware.”

  He laughed. “I can’t help the ladies like me.”

  I nodded and kept up a smile, despite not feeling it at all. “You certainly can’t help your face.”

  “That definitely didn’t sound like a compliment…” he said slowly. “You okay?”

  I nodded at him vaguely, pretending to be engrossed with Rica and Govi’s impromptu dance routine that looked to be about two people who liked each other but neither had the courage to make the first move.