The Stand-In: my life as an understudy

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I didn’t even have a chance to be excited, I was too busy looking for Ella and hoping I could escape without her making a scene. I spared one last look up at Eli, whose eyes had just found me, then I hiked up my skirts and did my best attempt at a runner, Victorian novel heroine style. All I needed were some shrouded moors and I was set.

  “Gin!” Rica called after me, but I ignored her.

  Thanks to her, the people around us started muttering. It didn’t take an inordinate amount of brains to work out that a song called ‘Gin Fizz’ plus a swiftly vacating person labelled ‘Gin’ was probably connected.

  If only Ramsey hadn’t told them the title of the song…

  “Chloe!” I heard behind me, but it couldn’t have been him because the band were still playing.

  But the hand that caught my arm and turned me around was definitely attached to Eli Sweet.

  I looked around. “What are you doing?” I hissed, ripping my arm out of his grasp.

  “I’m not caring anymore. I’m taking a leap. Take your pick.”

  “Oh God,” I muttered. Because of course people were watching us. Eli freaking Sweet just sang a song presumably written for me and had then run after me.

  “You’re not some stand-in, Clo,” he said adamantly. “You’re Chloe Cowan. You sing and you dance, you’re terrible with a texta but amazing at papier-mâché. You play piano and guitar, and you’re good. But you’re not just good, you enjoy playing. At least you would if you let yourself. You’re kind and funny and wicked smart and constantly putting other people’s needs before your own.” He looked at me, beseeching me. “You don’t have to do the opposite of what people want you to do to be free. Being free is being the person you are in your heart, however that person was made.”

  “Eli…” I begged, really not wanting to do this here.

  “Chloe!” I could hear Ella calling as she pushed her way through the crowd of people. “Chloe!” she cried again as she practically fell out of the last row of people before us looking like a pale blue marshmallow with a tiara that was threatening to fall off. “What is going on here?”

  “I’m trying to convince your sister to give me a proper shot,” Eli told her and I think that was the first time both Ella and I were I sync.

  Both our mouths dropped open as we stared at him. But he was completely unabashed, unapologetic, and unfazed.

  “Eli!” I hissed angrily. Standing up for me generally in a room full of people was one thing. This… This was another.

  “You what?” Ella spat.

  Eli shrugged. “Sorry, Ella. But I think I’m a little bit in love with Chloe.”

  My hand flew to my mouth and I wasn’t sure if it was pure shock or I was trying to hold in some kind of retort.

  “You what?” Ella spat again. “Her?”

  Eli just nodded. “Yeah, her.”

  “Why would you be interested in her?”

  Eli shrugged again and looked around. “I don’t know, Ella. Maybe because she’s not a pretentious drama queen who sends other people to woo a guy.”

  Ella only spluttered in response.

  Eli nodded. “What did you think was going to happen?” he asked. “Did you really not foresee that I’d fall for the girl who was actually there, right in front of me and real?”

  “But… But… It’s Chloe!” Ella whined.

  Eli nodded again and turned a leg-melting smile on me. “Yes, it is.”

  “Ugh!” Ella humphed, stamped her foot, then stormed away.

  Eli was still looking at me – me! – like all his dreams had come true. Once again in slow motion, he reached one hand towards me.

  “May I have this dance?” he asked.

  I looked around and saw everyone was still watching us.

  On one hand, I wanted to dance with him. But, on the other…

  “Can we…?” I paused and cleared my throat. “Can we not do this entirely in front of your whole year?” I asked him.

  He finally looked around. “Ah…” He nodded once. “Yep. Sure.” He grinned and waved at everyone then took my hand and pulled me out to the corridor.

  We almost got out without too much fanfare but, just as the door was closing behind us, I heard Govi yell, “Give her a kiss, Eli!” and my cheeks flamed super-hot.

  “Clo, I–”

  “Eli, you can’t just write me a song–”

  “Two songs, actually. Not counting the one Gove has in the works.”

  I sighed. “Regardless. You can’t get up on a stage and sing me some song full of cringe-worthy gin references and think it changes things?”

  “Did you not hear everything else I said?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yes. But this isn’t some fairy-tale romance where I’m just yet to believe I’m worthy of your love or whatever.”

  “Then what is it? Because either I’ve completely lost my mind or there’s the potential for something real here. And I’m not talking about the kind of real where we do the happily for now ending and then fade into obscurity. I mean real, Chloe.”

  I sighed in frustration. “There’s more to life than that.”

  “Than what? Something real? What else is there? Because if you’ve found some higher power, then I think you could probably market that quite nicely.”

  “Just!” I grunted. “There’s more to life than defining who you are by who you’re with. I’m more than Ella’s sister, than your girlfriend, that Rica’s friend. I’m Chloe Cowan and I’m my own damn person.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” he asked. “I don’t just want you to be Eli’s girlfriend. I want to be Chloe’s boyfriend. I want to be two separate and amazing people, coming together and creating something epic–”

  “I don’t want to play second anymore, Eli!” I interrupted. “I just crawled out of one shadow, I don’t want to fall under yours.”

  “Clo…” he said softly, taking a step towards me. “I would never–”

  The door opened and Old Tom the English teacher walked out. “Let’s break it… Oh…” He looked between us. “This is not what I expected to find…”

  “Were you expecting something a little more explicitly rated?” Eli asked him calmly.

  Old Tom nodded. “Yes. But…” He pointed between us. “Attempted negotiation?”

  Eli and I both nodded and said, “Yes,” in unison.

  “Right. So sorry to interrupt. Just…if this ends favourably… Can we celebrate back inside with a dance rather than a heavy petting session?”

  “No long-winded metaphor?” Eli asked.

  Old Tom shook his head. “No. I suspect you two will exchange plenty of words to make up for it.” He nodded once more, then slipped back into the auditorium.

  Eli looked back at me. “What was I saying?”

  “I don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t get what you want just because you want it.”

  Eli huffed. “No. I don’t. If I did, you’d have fallen for me too and you’d be here with me instead of Lake.”

  “I’m not here with Lake.”

  “You know what I mean. Shadows!” he said triumphantly. “I was talking about shadows. Right. Look, I get I wasn’t in your grand plan. I’m looking for a life like Ella is and you want anything but that. And I wouldn’t dare to suggest I’d ever put you above my dreams because I know how you’d feel about that. But why can’t we have both? You wouldn’t be in my shadow, you’d be beside me. Every step of the way.” He tilted his head and amended, “As far as you want to go.”

  “And if this is as far as I want to go?”

  He swallowed. “If this is really it, then okay. Tell me this is the end of the line and I’ll go back onstage and let you go back to your life.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him that was it, the end of the line. But I couldn’t. And he seemed to know it.

  “I’m not going to say I’m never going to be a dick. I’m not going to say you won’t have to put m
e in my place a million times. Probably in the next week alone. And I’m not going to say that I’ll be easy to live with. But I will say that I really like you, Chloe. Like a crazy amount. And I would really like to give us a proper shot. No mean older sisters with crazy-arsed agendas getting in the way.”

  Everything in me was pulled in two different directions. I wanted so badly to be as far away as possible from anything resembling a shadow again. But I also couldn’t bring myself to tell him that. I opened my mouth, hoping the words would just come. But they didn’t.

  “I… Can I have some time to think about it?” I asked him slowly.

  His smile was hesitant, but he nodded. “Take all the time you need.”

  I nodded. “Thanks.”

  “If you’re thinking, does that mean I can’t dance with you?”

  I looked up at him quickly.

  “Just as friends. With our other friends. No pressure for anything else.” He leant towards me conspiratorially. “It’s just… I think my date might have left me.”

  I bit my life against a smile and gave him a nod. “As friends. With friends.”

  “Exactly,” he said.

  We shared one more unnecessary and awkward nod, then moved back inside.

  The rest of Quicksilver were off the stage and the DJ was back in the saddle. I wasn’t sure if the band had some sort of code, but no one said anything about anything I didn’t want to talk about. The rest of the year were a little less inquisitive. Not that anyone said anything to my face.

  Most of the Year Twelves hadn’t been on the formal committee so most of them didn’t know who Rica and I were. They were probably all wondering who this girl was who’d somehow not only stolen the spotlight from Ella Cowan, but also the attentions of Elijah Sweet.

  But we didn’t let that get in the way of a good night out with good friends.

  Will the real leading lady, please stand up

  Norbert breathed out heavily and I nodded. “I agree.”

  I heard his tail thump on the bed and flung an arm out to scratch him. But Norbert couldn’t help me work out what I was going to do. Only I could do that. And I could only do that by looking long and hard at myself. Which, let’s face it, no one likes to do.

  But despite all my reservations, I hadn’t been able to tell Eli that was the end of the line for me. All the noise clamouring in my head said it was, and yet I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t completely sever that thread.

  So I had to look at why.

  “It’s time to get real, Norb,” I told him. “Okay? We need a step forward or an ending. No more pussyfooting about.”

  Norbert whined what I chose to think was encouragement and I took one more breath in an attempt to find the courage I needed to be totally honest with myself.

  Thankfully, Norbert had always been a good sounding board.

  “All the nonsense about playing second to Eli’s life is ridiculous,” I told him. “There, I’ve said it. If I’m going to let myself be open to going into the Arts after all, I can’t be all precious about him already knowing that’s what he wants to do.”

  Norbert whined again.

  “I know. I know. Commerce or Arts. That’s a whole different problem. But one at a time.” I paused and tried to remember what I’d been saying. “I just need to give myself permission to want to do music, if that’s what I want to do. I mean, I’ll know it’s because I’ve chosen to rather than because I’ve been told to. So no more running away from the things Ella wants. And If I do that, why couldn’t it work out with Eli?”

  Norbert’s whine was more unsure this time and I turned my head to look at him.

  “No. Ella’s not a problem.” I huffed and looked back at the ceiling as I amended, “No more than usual. I don’t care what she’ll say or whatever crazy bullshit thing she might do if I openly like Eli. I have zero reasons to be loyal to her, even when it comes to boys.”

  Another whine, a little more optimistic this time.

  “Right. So putting aside that and the fact I can’t use my personal distaste for Eli’s dreams as an excuse anymore…” I took another deep breath. “And that I need to learn not to be afraid to go after what I want…”

  The whine this time sounded like a question.

  “What’s stopping me from being with Eli?”

  I looked at Norbert and I felt very judged.

  “Me,” I admitted and Norbert’s tail thump made me feel a little bit better about that. “I’m stopping me from being with Eli.”

  And for no good reason.

  I was still scared of what the future might bring, of what or who I’d turn into, of looking back and realising I’d made mistakes I may not be able to fix.

  But even fear wasn’t a good reason not to live.

  All my fears could happen whether I was with Eli or not. They could happen because of another guy, because of a friend, because of a child. They could even happen because of me trying so hard to not become what I thought other people expected that I’d do anything else.

  So why not be with Eli? Why not be happy now? Why not make music now? Why not…

  My phone vibrated, distracting me out of the circle of questioning that would quite possibly have never ended otherwise. I picked it up and saw a message from Govi. It was an audio clip after the words, ‘Snagged this in rehearsals.’

  Curious, I clicked on it.

  Nothing happened.

  I hit pause, rewound it and started it again.

  Still nothing.

  I went out of the clip and back in.

  Still nothing.

  I hit the volume button completely by accident and went bright red as I realised I’d muted media on my phone.

  I looked at Norbert in warning. “Take that to your grave.”

  I took his answered tail thump as an agreement and turned my attention back to the audio clip. I opened Govi’s chat and hit play again.

  There was a bunch of laughter and chatter I recognised as Eli, Lake, Ramsey and Govi.

  “Yeah, but are you going to tell her?” Ramsey asked.

  There was the twang of a guitar, then Eli’s voice. “What exactly am I supposed to tell her to make her change her mind?”

  “How about that you’re hopelessly in love with her and she’s changed you,” Lake offered.

  “Yeah. I don’t think that one’s gonna work, fellas,” Eli huffed.

  “Did you try that already?”

  “No, I didn’t…” There was a pause. “Me telling her how I feel isn’t going to change anything.”

  “How else is she supposed to know?” Govi asked.

  There was another pause and some background noise I couldn’t place. “Same way I know how she feels. She knows, man. But if that’s not enough, then there’s nothing I can do but hope I haven’t lost her friendship, too.”

  “Okay, but are you sure you shouldn’t tell her? Because in all the movies, he tells her, man,” Ramsey said and I huffed a laugh at how earnest he sounded.

  “Can we just get back to practising?” Eli asked.

  “Just tell her once,” Lake pressed.

  “Dude! I think that counts as harassment.”

  “Okay,” Govi said brightly. “Then do ‘Gin Fizz’ tomorrow at the formal.”

  “She’s not going.”

  “Do it anyway.”

  “If you wankers are up to something…”

  “Just promise you’ll do ‘Gin Fizz’,” Ramsey said.

  Eli groaned. “Fine! I’ll do the bloody song. Can we get on, please? For a song you say you’re so excited about, we are far from getting it down.”

  “It’s catchy,” Lake said as though that justified it.

  “Gove, you recording?” Eli asked.

  “You know it.”

  “Count us in.”

  “One, two, three, four.”

  I was about to close it down when I heard a song they’d played at the formal. The new one they�
�d apparently only learnt the week before. I liked it as much as I’d liked it that night, but this time the lyrics jumped out at me. Lyrics like ‘rose-gold hair’, and ‘playboy rock god wannabe’, and ‘say something’ and ‘if it was only a kiss’.

  “Only a kiss,” I breathed, sitting up violently and freaking both me and Norbert out in the process. “Only a kiss. Two songs.” I looked at Norbert. “This was the other song.”

  Norbert looked thoroughly unimpressed, although that could have been me projecting my self-consciousness onto him.

  “It wasn’t that,” I told him just in case. “I’d already decided. Remember? I’m not just going to go ridiculous because a cute boy wrote me a song.”

  Norbert huffed.

  “Two songs,” I agreed.

  “Chloe, are you ready?” I heard Mum call through my door.

  “Yeah. Just a second,” I replied, swinging myself off my bed, grabbing my bag and heading down to the car.

  I’d spent the last two weeks of the holidays arguing with myself and Rica about Eli. Round and round the argument had gone until it had felt like one of those arguments even the best of friends couldn’t come back from. But at that point, Rica had handed ‘the problem’ – being me, mainly – over to Aunt Bow and avoided any mention of it since.

  We’d spent the time the way we usually did, watching movies and TV together but in our own bedrooms while we Skyped or messaged. When we saw each other, it was shopping or games or me trying to decide what my future held – with no mention of romantic entanglements.

  A couple of times we hung out with the Quicksilver boys and Rica and Govi were adorably cute together in that awkward phase of not quite knowing how to act around each other. Neither Eli, I or anyone else mentioned the elephant in the room on these occasions but I still felt awkward about keeping Eli waiting.

  Ella had only spoken to me when absolutely necessary in the last two weeks and it had been with as much disdain as ever. She wasn’t going to forget that Eli hadn’t actually wanted her, she wasn’t going to forget she was basically a pity date, even if she pretended not to remember why. She’d busied herself with her fans– Sorry, friends and told anyone who’d listen that Eli was a shallow little boy she’d quickly outgrown.