Heart Full of Love

by Kathleen Fuller

  Never mind that Ephraim had offered to go with her to see the babies. He’d only seen them once since they were born, and he’d mentioned several times wanting to visit. But Edna refused. She hadn’t shared the reason she’d come home that night, just telling her husband that Ellie and Christopher were able to take care of the babies by themselves. She couldn’t even admit to her husband how deeply her daughter had hurt her.

  She was about to join Ephraim in the living room when she noticed a buggy pulling into the driveway. As it neared she realized who it was. She brought her hand to her chest. Ellie and Christopher.

  She attempted to steady her heartbeat by breathing slowly and promised herself she would watch her tongue. Even though she had stayed away, she had longed to see the babies, and now that they were here, she didn’t want to say anything that would make Ellie leave. She wanted to be sure the twins were healthy. She had prayed for them constantly while she was away from them.

  A sudden panic came over her. What if something was amiss and that’s why Ellie and Christopher were here? She flew out of the kitchen and through the back door, meeting them just as Christopher brought the buggy to a halt.

  “What’s wrong?” she blurted. “What happened to the bopplis?”

  Ellie’s brow furrowed over her beautiful, unseeing eyes. “Nix, Mamm. They’re fine.”

  “Oh, thank God.” She saw them nestled in Ellie’s arms. Immediately she took Julia from her. “I’ve missed you,” she cooed to the baby. She glanced at Irene. They seemed to have grown while she was gone.

  Christopher came over to the other side of the buggy and took Irene from Ellie, then helped her out of the buggy. But Edna hardly noticed their movements as she checked over Julia to make sure she was okay. When she glanced up, she saw Christopher giving her a hard look, but she didn’t care. She had to make sure herself that that they were all right.

  “Mamm,” Ellie said, unfolding her white cane, “we need to talk.”

  Edna held Julia tightly. Something was wrong. She just knew it.

  “I thought you said the babies were fine.”

  Ellie heard the worry in her mother’s voice, and the tension inside her tightened. Would her mother ever trust her with the babies? She hadn’t even invited them into the house, instead jumping to the conclusion that something terrible had happened while she was gone. ”Mamm, can we go inside?”

  “Of course you can,” her father said. She heard the screen door shut behind him, and seconds later felt his comforting hand on her shoulder. “I’m glad to see you, Ellie.”

  Her father’s calmness soothed her. “I’m glad to see you too, Daed. I’ve missed you.”

  “Well, I told yer mamm we needed to visit earlier in the week but she—”

  “Ephraim, we need to get the bopplis inside,” Mamm said quickly. “We don’t want them to catch cold.”

  “It’s June, Edna. They’re not going to catch cold.”

  The door slammed closed.

  Daed let out a sigh. “Ellie, I don’t know what’s wrong with yer mudder. She’s been acting seltsam since she came home last week.”

  “We know why,” Chris said.

  “Gut, because I need an explanation,” Daed said. He paused. “Why do you have your cane out, Ellie? Nothing has changed here.”

  “I wasn’t sure. Mamm moved a few things around at our house.” She felt like she was tattling on her mother, but it was crucial that she was able to navigate any environment.

  “Hmm. That’s not like her either.”

  “Ephraim,” Chris said. “We really need to talk to Edna—to both of you. Could we geh inside?”

  “Ya. Sorry.” Ellie felt her father take her hand and put it above the outside of his elbow, guiding her into the house the way her rehabilitation teacher had taught him. She smiled, and they all went inside and into the living room.

  Ellie folded her cane and went to the chair near the door. She heard her mother speaking in hushed tones to Julia.

  “Do you want to hold Irene too?” Chris asked Mamm.

  “Ya.” Ellie listened as Chris gave the baby to her mother, then joined her father on the couch. Her mother kept whispering to the babies over and over how much she missed them. How much she loved them. How she had prayed nothing had happened to them while she was gone. Her voice was nearly inaudible, and Chris and her father couldn’t hear her.

  But Ellie did. She gripped her cane.

  “So what brings you here so late in the evening?” Daed asked.

  Chris didn’t say anything right away, and Ellie knew he was searching for the right words. She was tempted to speak, but waited until he was ready. Finally, he explained the job situation to her mother and father.

  “You’re abandoning your wife and babies?” Mamm said.

  “That’s not what he said, Edna. He has to work.”

  “He’ll only be gone three weeks,” Ellie added, trying to force a smile. She could barely do it in the face of her mother accusing Chris of neglecting his family.

  “That’s nearly a month.” Ellie heard her mother shift in the rocking chair. “These babies are soaking wet, Ellie. Didn’t you change them before you came here?”

  “Ya—”

  “It’s a gut thing I have some diapers here at the haus.” The back of the chair hit the wall as she rose. “I’ll take care of them.”

  Ellie started to get up. “I can do it.”

  But her mother didn’t reply as she walked out of the room. Ellie shrank back in her chair. The next three weeks were going to be torture.

  “Ellie,” Chris said gently, “geh with yer mamm.”

  “What’s the use? She’s got everything handled,” Ellie said, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice.

  “Ellie.” This time her father spoke. “Geh.”

  Cringing, Ellie stood and walked to the hallway. “Mamm?” she called, not sure where her mother had taken the twins. She had to follow her mother’s voice as she walked down the hall to find her in her and her father’s bedroom.

  “Now it’s Rachel’s turn. Oh, how I’ve missed you,” her mother said.

  Ellie stood in the doorway. “Mamm? Are you all right? You just called one of the girls Rachel.”

  “I did no such thing. You are the two sweetest little girls,” her mother continued.

  “Mamm, I know what I heard.”

  A pause. “Ellie, geh back into the living room with your daed and Christopher. I’ll take care of the twins.”

  Ellie flattened her lips. She was being treated like a child and her mother was acting oddly. “I’m not moving. Not until we get a few things straight between us.”

  “Like what?”

  “You left without saying good-bye.”

  “Your husband threw me out.”

  She touched her temple. “He didn’t throw you out. He said you didn’t have to stay with us anymore. There’s a big difference.”

  “Humph.”

  Ellie took a few steps into the room, feeling for the small chair she knew was next to her parents’ dresser. She sat down. “Mamm, please. I’m sorry we hurt your feelings. We didn’t mean to. But we needed time with the babies. I wish you could understand that.”

  “I do. And I’ve done what you wished. I stayed away.”

  “You didn’t have to. Not for a whole week.”

  Irene, who was turning out to be the more vocal of the two girls, started to fuss. “You and Christopher seem to be just fine without me,” Mamm said above the baby’s noise.

  Ellie stood up and then sat on the bed, searching for Irene and Julia. They were lying in the middle of the bed, side by side. She felt their ears, found Irene, and picked her up. The crying stopped. “I thought you’d be happy to know that we can take care of our kinner, Mamm.”

  “I . . . am.”

  “You don’t sound like it.” When her mother didn’t respond, Ellie could see the conversation was going nowhere. There was nothing to do except ask her the question she was dreading all evening
. “Mamm, Chris and I didn’t come over here just to tell you about the job. We . . .”—she took a deep breath—“I need your help.”

  “Of course you do. Somebody has to be there for mei gross-dochders. It’s not the babies’ fault their father is leaving them.”

  “Mamm, stop it. You’re not being fair to Chris.”

  But her mother continued to talk as if Ellie hadn’t said anything. “I just need to pack a few things and I’ll come with you.”

  “Right now?”

  “There’s nee sense in me driving the buggy over in the morning. I’m assuming Christopher is taking a taxi?”

  “His boss is driving several of the Amish there himself.”

  “Then I can use your buggy when I need to.” Ellie heard the snaps of her mother’s suitcase open. The old hard-shell case had belonged to her grandmother.

  “Geh get yer daed. I won’t be able to carry my suitcase and the babies at the same time.”

  Ellie stood, ready to do what her mother ordered. Then she stopped, shocked at how easily she was about to let her mother take over. She couldn’t live like this for three weeks. She would have to take a stand for herself now. She tucked Irene in the corner of one arm and picked up Julia with the other.

  “What are you doing?” her mother asked.

  “I’m taking Julia and Irene to the living room. We’ll wait for you there. Please bring my cane when you leave.”

  “But, Ellie, what if—”

  “I fall? I drop one of the babies? Mamm, I know this house as well as I know mei own. I won’t fall. Nix will happen to mei kinner. I am their mudder and I will make sure of it.” She thought about the diaper pin poking Irene earlier. Chris had been right. It was a mistake. And she would make them as she and Chris raised the girls. But she had to be given the chance to learn to be a parent.

  “I wish you trusted me, Mamm,” Ellie continued, trying to keep the pain out of her voice. “I’m blind, not helpless. Or useless.”

  “You’ve never talked to me like this before,” Mamm muttered.

  “I never had to.” Ellie turned and left, her heart thumping in her chest. She probably ruined any chance of her mother staying with them while Chris was gone. Yet she didn’t regret speaking her mind.

  “Where’s yer mamm?” her father asked as she entered the living room.

  “Packing.” At least Ellie hoped she still was. “Chris, would you mind taking Julia?”

  He came to her and took the baby. As he did, he leaned closer to her. “What did you say to her?” he said in a low voice.

  “Something I should have said a long time ago.”

  “So is she coming?”

  Ellie swallowed. “I don’t know.”

  “Let me geh talk to her,” her father said. “Chris told me why you came. I’ll tell her to get a move on.”

  They waited for several minutes, but neither her mother nor father appeared. The babies started fussing, ready for their nightly feeding. She and Chris needed to get them home. “I’ll check to see what’s going on,” she said.

  “Danki, Ellie.”

  She frowned. Her husband was so tired, the babies were hungry, and her mother clearly was rethinking staying with them. What a mess.

  As she made her way down the hall, she heard the murmur of her parents’ voices. Her father’s serious tone made her stop just outside their bedroom. Although she knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop, she couldn’t force herself to leave.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Edna sat at the edge of the bed, stinging from Ellie’s words. Is that what Ellie thought? That her mother considered her helpless? Useless? How could she believe that? All Edna wanted to do was help. To love her grandchildren and keep them safe. Yet her daughter had to twist it into something that wasn’t true. She had to make it about her.

  Edna crossed her arms, steaming with anger. If Ellie was so sure of herself, then why did she need her mother, whom she clearly didn’t respect anymore?

  “Edna? They’re waiting on you.”

  She glanced up at Ephraim, who was now standing near the bed, but she didn’t move. She stared straight ahead. It would take more than her husband’s words to make her get up. It would take an apology from Ellie.

  He frowned. “I know that face.” He sat down next to her. “Don’t be stubborn, Edna.”

  “Me? Stubborn?”

  Her husband rolled his eyes. “I can see you’re thinking about not helping them. And shame on you for those thoughts.”

  She cut her eyes at him. “You can’t read mei mind.”

  “I’ve been married to you for forty years. I know exactly what you’re thinking. I also know that you’re hurt for some reason.” He angled his body toward her. “Why don’t you tell me what happened.”

  “You tell me,” she said, getting up, “since you can read mei mind and all that.”

  He blew out a breath, a noise she recognized as his long-suffering sigh. Her lower lip trembled. It seemed like she was a burden to everyone.

  “I can guess. But I’d rather hear it from you. Both you and Ellie have been out of sorts for a long time, ever since she was expecting.”

  “And of course that’s mei fault.”

  “I never said that. Ellie is as stubborn as you.” He came up behind her. “And as sensitive.”

  She whirled around and glared at him. “What do you mean by that?”

  “You both feel very deeply, which is a gut thing.” He smiled, the wrinkles around his eyes crinkling. “It’s one reason I love both of you. But it can also cause you to have hurt feelings over little things.”

  “This is not a little thing. Do you know what she said to me? She thinks I don’t trust her.”

  “You don’t.”

  Her brow shot up. “How can you say that?”

  “Because it’s true. You don’t trust anyone easily. Remember how long it took you to believe I loved you?”

  Her lip trembled. “Ya,” she whispered.

  He grabbed her hand. “Nee one knows more than I do the pain you’ve been through. Not just when Ellie lost her sight, but when you were young. But you have to put all that hurt behind you. Ellie and Christopher need you right now. Not just to help, but to support and respect their decisions. The bopplis need you, too, but the kinner are theirs, Edna, not yours.” He gazed into her eyes. “Can you let geh and help them the way they need to be helped?”

  She forced down the lump in her throat. She didn’t want to admit it, but he was right, as he almost always was. But she didn’t answer him right away.

  “Edna . . .”

  She nodded. “All right. I’ll try.” Then she paused at a shuffling sound near the bedroom door. “Did you hear something?”

  “Like what?”

  Edna stilled, much like Ellie did whenever she was listening carefully. She thought she heard someone outside their door. She walked to the doorway and peeked into the hall. But no one was there. “Must have been mei imagination,” she said more to herself than to her husband.

  “I’m glad you’re willing to try. Now hurry and get packed. And nee, it’s not because I want to see you leave.”

  “I never said—”

  “You were thinking it.” He winked at her and left.

  Edna looked at the suitcase on the bed. She walked to the side table, picked up her Bible, and placed it on top of one of her light-blue dresses. If she was going to trust, to let go, she’d need God’s help. She’d never been able to do it on her own.

  She finished packing, closed the suitcase, and clicked the clasps shut. Straightening, she went to the living room. In the middle stood Ellie holding Irene, Christopher holding Julia, with Ephraim between them. Her daughter and son-in-law looked as tense as she felt. Then she met her husband’s gaze. He gave her an encouraging smile.

  “I’m ready,” she said, managing a smile of her own. “Ephraim, carry mei suitcase while I take the bop—”

  He cleared his throat.

  “Um, never mind. I can carry the suitcase
.” She turned toward the door.

  “Edna, wait.” Christopher came up beside her. “If you’ll hold Julia, I’ll take the suitcase.” He put the baby in her arms, picked up the case, and walked out of the house.

  She glanced at Ellie. At least her daughter had stopped scowling. That was progress.

  That night, after the twins were asleep in the cradle and Ellie’s mother was settled in the spare bedroom, Chris and Ellie were finally able to climb into bed. But Ellie was preoccupied with what she’d heard during her parents’ conversation. What was her father talking about, her mother being hurt when she was young? Ellie had never heard either of them speak about that before.

  Chris leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Everything okay?”

  “Sure,” Ellie said, forcing a cheery note in her voice. “Why wouldn’t it be? Mamm’s here now, so you don’t have to worry about us while you’re gone.”

  “I’ll always worry about mei maed,” he said, resting his chin on her shoulder.

  “God will watch over us.”

  “I know. That doesn’t mean I won’t think about you all every single minute I’m gone.” He traced her chin with his finger. “Are you sure everything is all right? When you came back from checking on your mamm at her haus you seemed . . . not upset exactly . . .”

  She tilted her face toward his. “You are tired and imagining things.” She couldn’t burden him with this. Not now, not when he was leaving the next morning.

  “Must be.” He turned on his side, and she heard the click of the battery-operated lamp being turned off. Then he gently rolled her over and pressed her back against his chest. “Our last night for a while,” he whispered in her ear. ”I want to spend it with you in mei arms.”

  Despite her concern about her mother, Ellie smiled. She covered his hand with hers. Soon the sound of his heavy breathing in her ear let her know he was asleep.