Heart Full of Love

by Kathleen Fuller

  Although she felt loved and secure in her husband’s embrace, sleep eluded her. She was unable to get her mother out of her mind. She’d always thought Mamm was overprotective, even before Ellie was blind. She was less so with her older brother, Wally, but even when Ellie had her sight, Mamm had always peppered her with questions when she wanted to go to a friend’s house, or when she started dating John, the young man who had left her after the car crash. But Ellie had thought that was simply her mother being guarded of her daughter, and now as a mother herself, she could understand that better.

  Then the car accident and Ellie’s losing her sight had thrown her mother over the edge, and it had taken a long time for her to let Ellie live her own life. Ellie thought about other major events in her life—her courtship with Chris, their marriage, and the birth of the twins. Each time her mother had reacted strongly. Ellie had assumed it was her personality.

  But what if it was something else? Something so painful that no one, including her relatives, ever spoke of it? Whatever it was, she would have to tread carefully to find out.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Is something going on with your mamm?” Chris asked.

  Ellie paused as she folded a pair of his broadfall pants. Had he suspected something? She quickly packed them in his duffel bag. “What do you mean?”

  “She didn’t argue about the babies being in our room, she didn’t insist on feeding them this morning, and she’s actually been . . . pleasant.”

  “Chris, mei mother can be nice, you know.”

  “I’m joking. Sort of.” He took the duffel from her and zipped it up. “Whatever your father said to her last night sure made a difference.”

  Ellie pressed her lips together. She had also noticed the change in her mother. She was making an effort to be helpful instead of controlling. But she couldn’t connect how her father’s words had made an impact on her mother. She was surprised they hadn’t opened some old wound, making her mother more difficult than ever.

  “Whatever caused the change,” Chris continued, “I’m thankful. It makes leaving you and the babies much easier knowing that you and Edna are getting along.”

  Ellie nodded, but she didn’t see anything easy about Chris going away. She also wouldn’t go so far as to say she and her mother were getting along. Cordial was a better description. She sighed. It would be a long three weeks.

  The impact of Chris being gone for so long hit her full force. “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered, nearly strangling on the words.

  He dropped the duffel bag on the floor and took her in his arms. “Me too.”

  “I wish you didn’t have to geh.”

  He held her more tightly. “Me either. But the time will geh by fast. I gave your mamm a number to call if there’s an emergency. I left it there on the dresser for you too.” When she opened her mouth to speak, he put his finger over her lips. “Not that I think there will be an emergency. But I want to be prepared.”

  She nodded, and he removed his finger. “I understand.” She took his hand. “Will it be okay to call you every night, after the bopplis and Mamm have gone to bed? I can’t bear the idea of not talking for almost a month. I know Mamm wouldn’t approve, but writing letters would take too long.”

  “Ya. It will be our secret.”

  The windows were open, letting in the warm summer air. A honk sounded in the distance. “That’s my ride,” Chris said softly. Then he kissed her, deeply, longingly, until the horn honked again. “I have to geh.”

  “Be safe. I’ll pray for you every day.”

  “Same here—for you and the babies. And yer mamm, of course.”

  Ellie chuckled thickly. “Of course.”

  Chris left, and she didn’t follow. Instead, she sat on the edge of their bed and bowed her head, praying for his safety while he was gone. Although he would be only four hours away, that didn’t offer much comfort. After she finished, she went to the living room. “Mamm?”

  “I’m here. Irene is on a blanket on the floor. I’m holding Julia.”

  She appreciated her mother telling her where the babies were in the room. She wasn’t surprised that her mother was holding one of them. Even though Mamm seemed more at peace, she still held them any chance she had.

  “It’s a schee day outside,” her mother said. “Would you like to work in the garden?”

  Ellie thought for a moment. She hadn’t had much time to spend there, and surely there were plenty of weeds that needed to be pulled. Then she realized this was her mother’s way of offering an olive branch. She nodded, and then as an afterthought said, “Would you like to join me? We can take the babies with us, put them on a blanket in the shade under the oak tree.”

  Her mother didn’t say anything right away. Then she replied, “That sounds nice.”

  A short time later the babies were napping under the canopy of the oak tree, a place where Ellie and Chris would sometimes have picnics on Sunday afternoons after church. The girls were lying on a quilt Sarah Lynne had made for them. She had described it as a center-diamond quilt, with a large pale-pink diamond in the middle, surrounded by peach-colored fabric. Ellie and her mother were a couple of yards away, tending the garden, which had indeed become fairly weedy since the birth of the babies.

  “I guess I should have weeded for you while I was here last time,” Mamm said.

  “It’s okay,” Ellie said, checking the size of the tomato flowers on the plants. Some were pretty big, and in a month or so would be producing pea-size orbs that would eventually grow into large, beefsteak tomatoes. “Everything has been hectic since the bopplis were born.”

  They continued to work in the garden in silence except for the twittering of birds. Ellie cocked her head to listen for the babies, but all she heard was the sound of the birds—robins, finches, with an occasional black bird squawk interrupting their delicate melodies.

  But Ellie’s mind wasn’t on their sweet music. All she could think about was what her father had said last night. Nee one knows more than I do the pain you’ve been through. Not just when Ellie lost her sight, but when you were young.

  She sat back on her heels. Her mother definitely seemed more even-keeled than she had been in a while, so this might be a good time to bring up the subject. “Mamm,” she said tentatively, “can I talk to you about something?”

  “Ya.”

  Though Mamm’s answer was short, it wasn’t curt. She took a deep breath. “I, uh . . . I overheard you and Daed talking last night.” She waited for her mother to say something. After a long pause, Ellie asked, “Did you hear me?”

  “I heard you.” Her mother’s voice was tight and strained.

  Ellie grimaced. She should have known it was a mistake to mention this. “I’m sorry—”

  “You shouldn’t eavesdrop.” She heard the rustle of the grass as her mother got up. “I brought you up better than that.”

  “I know, but I couldn’t help it.”

  “Someone forced you to listen to my private conversation?”

  Ellie also got to her feet. She brushed the dirt off her hands. “I was checking to see if you had decided to go home with us. When I got to your room, I heard you and Daed.”

  “And of course you couldn’t walk away.” Mamm’s tone grew more tense, as if it were a tightly strung fishing line about to snap. “What did you hear?”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything—”

  “What did you hear, Ellie?” Her mamm’s footsteps came toward her.

  She hesitated, not wanting to continue. She and her mamm had been getting along all morning, and she had to mess that up by bringing up an obviously hurtful subject. But she had flipped open the can of worms, so she should see it through. “Daed said you were hurt when you were yung. I don’t remember you saying anything about that when we were growing up. What happened?”

  “What happened is none of your business.”

  Mamm’s voice slashed at her, making Ellie take a step back.

  “T
hat was a private conversation,” Mamm continued. “One that you had no right to listen to. Do not bring it up again.”

  “But, Mamm, maybe if you talked about it, you would feel better—”

  “Julia’s fussing,” Mamm said.

  “I don’t hear anything.”

  Her mother didn’t respond, and Ellie knew the conversation was over. But her curiosity was more piqued than before. She had several relatives in Paradise, but her mother said very little about her own childhood. Ellie had never thought much about it before, not until now. Whatever Mamm was hiding, it had to be more painful than Ellie could imagine.

  “Ellie!” Her mother called from a few feet away.

  The panic Ellie heard in her mother’s voice caused her to quicken her steps and forget about her mother’s secret. “What, Mamm?”

  “There’s something wrong with Julia.”

  “What? What is it?”

  “She feels hot.”

  The alarm that had risen in Ellie when she first heard her mother say something was wrong with Julia subsided. “Mamm, she’s probably warm from being outside. It’s pretty hot today.”

  “She has a fever,” Mamm said, her voice filled with absolute certainty.

  “Are you holding her?”

  “Ya.”

  Ellie knelt by the edge of the blanket and felt for Irene. Her fingers found teeny toes, which were cool to the touch. She moved forward and scooped up her daughter. Irene didn’t feel warm at all.

  “We should get them in the house,” Ellie said, knowing that would probably reassure her mother. When Mamm didn’t answer, Ellie realized she had left without her.

  Ellie scooped up Irene and went back to the house, finding the smooth, stone path Chris had laid when they first moved in the house. He had embedded the rocks in such a way that the edges were flush with the ground, preventing her from tripping. They led directly to the back porch steps.

  “Mamm!” she called when she walked inside the house. Her yell startled Irene, who started to cry. “I’m sorry, little one,” she whispered in her baby’s ear, then cooed to her daughter until she calmed down. She cuddled Irene and listened for her mother or Julia. Finally, she heard Julia’s piercing wails from the spare bedroom. When she walked into the bedroom, she heard her mother speaking in a low, almost childlike voice.

  “It’s okay, Rachel.”

  Ellie raised a brow. Rachel again? From the pain in her mother’s voice it sounded like she was trying to hold back tears. Ellie’s wrinkled her brow. She couldn’t remember the last time she heard her mother cry.

  “Julia’s sick,” Mamm said in a desperate voice. “We need to get her to the hospital right away.”

  Ellie walked to the bed, leaned over, and placed Irene in the middle of it. “Let me see Julia, Mamm. Maybe she needs to nurse in order to cool off.”

  But Mamm refused to let Julia go. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” her mother whispered to the baby. “You’re not going to die.”

  A shiver passed through Ellie as she heard the chilling words.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Edna kissed Julia’s forehead, feeling her hot skin beneath her lips. This couldn’t be happening again. Not to her granddaughter. Not to her Rachel.

  Ellie’s voice faded as Edna’s mind wandered to the past, a place she’d dared not think about for the past six decades. She thought she’d put it all behind her, had buried that agony so deep that it only came to the surface in her nightmares. . . and after Ellie’s babies were born. She couldn’t fail them. Not like she’d failed Rachel.

  “Mamm!” Ellie’s voice broke through the veil of memories. Julia’s and Irene’s cries chimed in. She looked up, her daughter’s distraught face coming into focus. “Ellie?”

  “Please give me Julia. I need to see if she’s all right.”

  Dazed, Edna stood from the rocker and let Ellie sit. When she placed Julia in Ellie’s arms, her mind had completely turned to the present. “I’ll get the buggy ready.”

  “Nee,” Ellie said. She used her forearm to check Julia’s forehead. “She does feel warmer than Irene, though. Let me nurse her and see how she does.”

  How could Ellie be so calm at a time like this? “Ellie, listen to me. She has a fever—a very high one. If it doesn’t come down she could . . .”

  Ellie nestled Julia, and soon the baby started nursing. “She’s okay, Mamm. She’s nursing. If she was sick she wouldn’t want to eat.” But as soon as the words were out of Ellie’s mouth, Julia pulled away and started crying. A sick, strangled cry.

  “Ellie, please.” Edna could feel the sobs rising in her throat, the helplessness in her heart. “I can’t lose another boppli.”

  Her daughter’s head snapped up, her blue eyes focusing off center. “What are you talking about?”

  She knelt in front of Ellie. “She needs to geh to the hospital. She needs to see a doctor.”

  Julia latched onto Ellie again and started nursing. “Mamm,” Ellie said softly. “She’s okay. I promise. Look, she’s eating again.”

  Edna saw Julia eagerly taking Ellie’s milk. She stared, certain that at any moment the baby’s mouth would drop away and her body would go limp. After several moments, neither happened.

  “Feel her forehead now.” Ellie grasped for Edna’s hand. Edna let her guide the back of her hand to Julia’s forehead, which was considerably cooler than before. “See? She’s okay. She just got a little too warm outside.”

  Edna breathed out a long sigh of relief. Irene started to cry on the bed behind her.

  “Would you mind giving her a bottle?” Ellie asked.

  Standing, Edna nodded. Then remembering her daughter couldn’t see, she said, “Ya. I’ll get it.” She left the room and went to the kitchen, only realizing how much her hands were shaking when she opened the cabinet door to get a bottle.

  She leaned against the counter, trying to get her bearings. Julia was okay, she kept telling herself. She wasn’t Rachel. She closed her eyes and prayed a prayer of thankfulness, only to stop when the bitterness of the past rose like bile in her throat.

  She was glad Julia was all right. But why couldn’t Rachel have been? Why had God taken a tiny, innocent baby away? Even after all these years, she couldn’t let go of the hurt, the regret. . . and the shame.

  But she had to follow her mother’s example, the way she had in the years since then. Edna straightened her shoulders and made Irene’s bottle. She walked into the bedroom, picked up her fussy granddaughter, and sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to Ellie. Although her daughter couldn’t see her, Edna didn’t want to face her right now and the barrage of questions that were sure to come.

  To her surprise, Ellie didn’t say anything. They fed the babies in silence, punctuated by a few strong burps, one so loud from Julia that it was clear her granddaughter was just fine. She didn’t turn around when Ellie put Julia in the cradle. “Here, Mamm,” Ellie said as she rounded the bed and stood in front of her. “Take the rocking chair.”

  “Irene’s nearly done with her bottle.”

  “That’s all right,” Ellie said softly. ”Take your time with her. I’ll geh finish weeding in the garten.”

  “You sure?”

  She nodded. “Ya. I’m sure.”

  After Ellie left, tears welled in Edna’s eyes. Her daughter was a remarkable woman in so many ways. She stood, and then through clouded eyes sat down with Irene, rocking her until the baby fell asleep. But instead of putting her in the cradle with her sister, she looked at the infant, taking in her olive-colored skin and dark eyelashes, so much like her father’s. She cuddled her granddaughter close, forcing away the past and basking in the love she felt for these two precious babies.

  A week passed, and neither Ellie nor Mamm brought up the incident with Julia. Several times Ellie had been tempted to ask her mother about Rachel, wondering who the mysterious girl was. But she kept her thoughts to herself, respecting her mother’s privacy. There was a reason she’d never talked about the
past, and Ellie didn’t want to force her to.

  But that didn’t mean her curiosity wasn’t plaguing her. During the second week Chris was gone, Ellie told her mother, “I’d like to geh see Daed.”

  “All right,” her mother said, placing a plate of what smelled like perfectly crisped bacon on the table. “We can geh after breakfast.”

  “I thought I would geh by myself—if you don’t mind watching the twins for a little while.” Ellie fiddled with the edge of her napkin.

  “Oh?” Mamm asked, sounding a bit suspicious.

  “I miss him. I mean, I know you miss him too, but that’s not the only reason I want to see him.” The words sounded lame to her ears.

  “You two have always had a close relationship.” Mamm sat down across from her and pushed the plate of bacon toward her. “And I don’t blame you for wanting to get out of the house for a little bit. It’s a beautiful daag.”

  She sighed. “So you don’t mind watching the twins?”

  “Of course not. That’s why I’m here. And don’t worry; they’ll be fine.”

  Ellie smiled. “I’m not worried.” She sniffed the air. “That bacon smells gut.”

  The plate slid even closer. “Help yourself,” her mother said. But despite her mother’s calm demeanor, there was an underlying current of tension since the episode with Julia. Maybe her father would have some answers.

  After the breakfast dishes were done, Ellie said good-bye to her twins, which was harder than she thought. She’d never been away from them, and even though she was only going down the street, it still felt like a part of her was missing when she went outside. As she unfolded her cane, she could only imagine how hard it was on Chris, being so far away. She’d talked to him briefly on the phone last night, but still hadn’t mentioned what happened with Mamm. He didn’t sound as tired as he had been the past few weeks, but he was ready to come home. Ellie said a quick prayer for him and headed for her parents’ house.

  It was about a half hour’s walk there, and as usual she was glad they lived on a road with very little traffic. She kept to the edge of the road, staying alert as she swept her cane in front of her in a wide arc. She had walked to her parents’ house many times since she and Chris were married, and even though the path was familiar, she never let down her guard. Finally, she arrived at their driveway, the comforting sound of the cows lowing reaching her ears.