Every Last Breath

by Gaffney, Jessica

  Maggie smiled. She scared herself for nothing.

  Ben called a repair company in the Springs and had a tech come up before dinner. Then he returned his attention to Eli.

  Maggie watched from the kitchen as she sorted her mail and put away the dishes. This is exactly what he needed, male bonding. Together they went to the fireplace. Ben piled up some wood beside the mantle. “Eli put those pieces right here,” he said pointing to the metal rack. “I’m gonna teach you the right way to stack this up for your mom.”

  “We’re going to place them on each other like this.”

  “Okay.”

  He did as he was told. “Now what?”

  Maggie would have taken a picture but she didn’t want to show any desperation by doing so, she’d have to resort to a mental picture in her head. Click.

  “Where are your matches?”

  Eli ran into the kitchen and opened the cabinet. Maggie watched him buzz by. How did he know where she kept the matches? She had hidden them up on the fourth shelf, a place she never imagined he could reach. His little mitts patted around until he felt the box. And just like that he snatched them off and took them to Ben.

  They bent down close to the fire and Ben showed Eli how to stack the logs. “You have to leave enough room in there for the air to fan the flame. Fires need air.”

  “Got it.” Eli laid down with his stomach to the floor and propped himself up as if he were taking a lesson. He crossed his ankles and swung his legs back and forth. “Can I light it when its time?” He begged.

  “This will do the trick.” He lit the sticks and paper while keeping Eli back at a safe distance.

  The fire immediately started to crackle and take flame. Eli was mesmerized. “Do you want to play chess with me?”

  “Sure, if you teach me.”

  “Alright,” Eli went to get the game. “Wait right here. I’m coming right back.”

  Maggie’s heart melted. She hadn’t seen anyone interact with Eli outside her family, for a long time. Her little man raced back from his room with the chess board in hand and a zip lock bag of their plastic pieces. He rounded the corner and flopped down in front of the fire. “Let’s play down here.”

  “How about up on the table? I’m a little big to play on the floor.”

  Eli turned his head contemplating the suggestions. “Okay, you are the guest so I will do what you want. But then it’s my turn.”

  Ben looked up at Maggie, his kind eyes matching his smile. “How do I to set this up?”

  Three games later, Maggie had finished making dinner. She decided just to cook, hoping the savory smell would persuade Ben to accept her invitation. With a set of dishes in hand, she spread out the table. “You are invited to stay for dinner. It’s almost ready.”

  “Oh can he mom?”

  Ben reclined on the couch and helped Eli put away the pieces. “I guess I can swing that.”

  “Eli why don’t take off your uniform and get washed up for dinner bud. Okay?” The six year old bounded across the floor in record time. Ben however stayed seated and commented on the Christmas tree. “You two picked a very nice tree.”

  “You can thank Eli for that. He got me out of my comfort zone by picking the largest tree they had.”

  Ben turned his attention toward Maggie. “So what’s all this talk about you hating the mall? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a female say that,” he said jokingly. Maggie couldn’t help seeing herself in his arms.

  She took out the dishes and set the table while they talked. “I don’t hate the mall. It’s the crowd that gets to me. All that pushing, shoving, rudeness. I’m better off going in and out of individual stores.”

  “You can’t let fear stop you.”

  Maggie loved his grown in beard and strong muscles, but she wasn’t too sure she wanted somebody to pick out her faults.

  Ben asked to wash his hands. “I understand. That’s kind of why I am living with my aunt right now.”

  She didn’t know that. “You’re living with Ingrid?”

  “Yeah, I have been for over for months now.”

  “How come I’ve never seen you?”

  He laughed. “Well my work is mainly in Denver, so the commute keeps me busy.”

  “What is it that you do?”

  “I’m an engineer. We’re working on some commercial projects near the highway.”

  “How about you?” Maggie considered her answer before replying.

  “I do some office work here in town. But I also place authors with publishers, I’m a book agent.”

  “What does a book agent do?”

  She laughed and stayed busy in the kitchen. “I represent authors who need publishing, so I pick and choose which manuscripts I think will sell or make great books. When the publisher signs the author, I get paid. If they don’t, then I keep at it.”

  “Really? That’s interesting.”

  “It’s a risk but I love it.”

  “Do you write as well?”

  “You know,” she cocked her hip. “Everyone asks me that. But no, I haven’t.”

  “Too bad, I’m sure you’d be a great writer.”

  “Why does everyone say that?”

  Ben shrugged. “Curiosity, I’d guess.”

  Maggie realized that if she didn’t watch it, he could easily start asking about why she lived out here alone and where she came from. What type of mother traipses her son across the country away from family? Would he suspect she was running?

  Eli raced back into the kitchen. “I cleaned my room. Can Ben come see it?”

  “Why don’t you ask him?”

  She finished setting the table while the boys played in Eli’s room. This was going to be quite a night. She could feel it in the air.

  Ben stayed until Eli’s bedtime. By that hour, he had been at their house for four hours. That’s a long time. But she wished it was even longer.

  The man excused himself to make a phone call, she pointed to the back deck, it was quiet out there but she could still observe him. Body language explains a lot. She watched on and off while cleaning up the kitchen.

  “Everything all right?”

  “Yes. It’s all good.”

  She wanted to know who the call was from and if it impacted him from coming over again. Hell, if Eli wasn’t around she would have asked him to stay for a glass of wine. Wait, what was she thinking? She barely knew this man. She told Claire implicitly, she was not interested. Yet Ben was right here in her kitchen and the attraction seemed mutual.

  “Who’s going to read to me?” Eli’s little voice interrupted their kitchen cleaning. Buttoned up in his moose flannel pajamas he stood in his bare feet on the Alder floors and flashed a book to Ben. He paraded into the living and sat by the fire. He then patted the wood in front of the fireplace. “Come on Ben. No one else ever reads to me.”

  Ben caught Maggie’s eye. “Is it okay?”

  “Be my guest. He obviously wants you to do it.”

  Maggie left the kitchen a mess and retreated to her bedroom. She hadn’t checked her make up or even looked in the mirror since she got home. She made the bed, removed her journal and magazines, and turned on the lamp. She then checked Eli’s room, which actually was clean—normally his idea of a clean room was a space to walk from the closet to the door and back out again.

  Eli rushed into his room and dove beneath his covers. She knew he was showing off for Ben, all little boys liked to show their speed. “How was your story?”

  He shrugged, “Mr. Ben doesn’t read so good. And his hands are so big he covered up some of the pictures.”

  “I see.”

  “But he can read to me again if he comes over.”

  “Is he out by the fire?”

  “Yep, he said he was waiting for you.” Maggie’s heart fluttered.

  She shut off the light and finished their routine. Meanwhile, she returned to the kitchen to find Ben doing the dishes. The bubbly water covered his hands as he whooshed the sponge around the plat
es and stacked them on the dry rack. She leaned against the stucco wall. “We’ve got a dishwasher you know.”

  He smiled. “I didn’t think it was appropriate to snoop around the kitchen for the detergent. But no one in their right mind turns down clean dishes.” He dunked another plate into the water.

  “Would you like some fresh coffee? Or wine?”

  He looked at his watch. “Um, sure, as long as I’m not keeping you up.”

  “I’d like the company.”

  When the kitchen was clean, Maggie sat at the table which provided the right barrier for her and these hormones which seemed to flare up now that she and Ben were alone.

  “How about you, what’s your reason for being here?”

  “Well, I was living with someone, and she had kids. Things weren’t perfect but I moved out this past summer, and to ensure I didn’t go back, I moved back here with my aunt. I grew up here.”

  Maggie felt nervous. “I didn’t realize that.”

  “Yeah, my parents travel a lot, my sister has four boys and her husband is not my favorite person, so my aunt was the only family with a spare room.”

  “I see.”

  “Listen, not to change the subject on you, I’m an open book honest, but what would you say to bringing Eli up to the mall this weekend?”

  Maggie felt torn. “You’re not hanging out with Eli because you miss your ex girlfriend and her kids, are you?”

  “No, she had an older son, he’s in college now, and two daughters.”

  She quietly sipped her coffee and kept listening. “I’d like to spend more time with you, and I figured that Eli was just part of the equation.”

  Maggie’s heart flipped. How could she resist? It wasn’t a date, but an opportunity and Eli needed to get to Santa to tell him about the magic boots.

  CHAPTER 10

  Sleep came easy that night. An evening with Ben had put her at ease. The more she studied him, the more she realized this man could potentially steal her heart. She tried not to let her mind wander, which was good advice, especially since she just told Eli not to get his hopes up. But Ben’s presence in her home, felt right. It had never felt that way with Jack.

  His nerves, his anger, his harsh opinions, the paranoia, the control, the drinking; It was not a home. It was like living in a cult, with restraints on everything she did, thought, spent or said. Her therapist of course, was kind enough to point out that she had married a man who lived and breathed violence— his perverse ways were something she was now accustomed to. It tainted her ability to be objective and think rationally.

  Maggie hadn’t wanted to talk about what Jack had done. Saying it out loud always brought on the tears. It sounded much better when it was locked up in her mind, in her own head. But once she said it out loud and saw a stranger’s reaction to his behavior, well then the danger became real.

  Dr. Gibbons gained her trust. She probed Maggie to examine her reason for staying in the marriage. “I don’t know, I had many reasons,” was Maggie’s standard response.

  But, Dr. Gibbons was persistent, “Like what Maggie?”

  Maggie knew the answers. “Hope that things would change, trying to be understanding and making sure Eli had a relationship with his father, fear of leaving, and eventually fear of staying.”

  “Those are all common, among women in your situation. But Maggie let’s go deeper; is there a reason you are drawn to men who have the capability and probability of hurting you?”

  Her thoughts drifted to each boyfriend she had. Three out of four were violent. The only nice one died, long before she met Jack.

  “Who was your first love interest, can we start there?”

  “I guess it was my neighbor.”

  “Someone you grew up with?”

  “Yes, for a while, anyway.”

  “What can you tell me about him?”

  “He moved away when I was ten. I ran into him when I was seventeen, we sort of picked up where we left off. “

  “What went wrong?”

  “He was unusual to say the least, his conversations were dark. He had a high tolerance for pain, used enormous amounts of drugs, supplied them to dealers and had a way of putting his hands on me, to get what he wanted.”

  “So is it safe to say that Jack was not your first relationship that had abusive tendencies?”

  Her memory conceded, “yes.”

  “And what was the first?”

  Her hands landed in her lap. “I’m sure it’s not the first but my high school boyfriend pulled a machete on me.”

  “So a knife?” Dr. Gibbons inquired.

  “Yes, he had me pinned down on a water bed.”

  “Were you scared?”

  Maggie shifted in her seat. “I don’t know. Not really. I mean I knew the knife could slip and he would cut me. But I didn’t think he was trying to hurt me.”

  “Was the knife touching you?”

  Maggie felt exposed. “I think so, but I don’t remember.”

  “And why did you allow that to happen, Maggie?”

  She blinked, “I didn’t ask him to do it. I don’t know.”

  “Try to think of something about that event. Do you remember what you were thinking?”

  “I know I felt confused. I didn’t know why he would do such a thing. The slightest move of the waterbed and he could cut my throat.”

  “You don’t seem angry about that. Why do you think that is?”

  Maggie knew that answer. “Because I wasn’t scared. I knew he wouldn’t do it. He was just playing around.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because it was just obvious. I was his girlfriend. Why would he want to hurt me?”

  “What did you do when he pulled that long knife to you? Do you remember that?”

  The memory was there, clear as day. “I remember looking out his window, trying to be brave.”

  “What did you do after that?”

  “I think I played tough.”

  “So you stayed in the relationship?”

  “Yes,”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Because he was important to me.”

  “And your safety wasn’t?”

  “Well, obviously not. I know I wanted him, and I didn’t want the other girls to have him.”

  “What was it about him that you liked?”

  Maggie smiled. “He was very popular and extremely good looking. I felt important because he was mine.”

  “So is it safe to say you were driven by your fears rather than your desire to feel safe and accepted.”

  Her stomach twisted. Dr. Gibbons made her feel vulnerable, and it was not a comfortable feeling.

  “Maggie, what is your understanding of what we just covered?”

  She wondered why the doctor kept saying her name. Was she spacing out? They had talked about that. Maggie blinked hard, trying to regain focus. “I can see your point; Jack was not my first dance with danger.”

  “That’s good. But remember something; we are not here to uncover the why’s but your feelings. When you discover how you felt during these life or death situations then you will take a big step toward healing.”

  “But how are those buried feelings connected to healing? I don’t want to relieve what I came through. There has to be a better way.”

  “Maggie,” she leaned forward. “Your anxiety level and tolerance for stress is sky high. Your threshold for dealing with all of this has kept you on guard. You are very disconnected from your feelings, it’s part of the survival mode. I fear you’ve been in survival mode so long, that you have lost your ability to operate in any other capacity.”

  Her chest expanded as she listened to what the doctor said. “Are you saying that I will never be normal?”

  “What I am saying is that you don’t recognize normal. It’s a foreign matter.”

  She looked her in the eye. “And by identifying my feelings, or unburying them, then I will be normal?”

  “In a sense, yes. By feeli
ng your feelings you get in touch with Maggie, not the survival mode which you’ve been in these past few years. When you uncover your feelings, the future is yours. You won’t have to worry about repeating this pattern. You will heal and recognize unhealthy people.”

  She questioned her again, “If I’m supposed to be healing, why am I having nightmares?”

  “Because Maggie, your feelings are the nightmare.”

  Vala sat up, ready to go outside. Maggie tied her robe around her waist and took the dog outside. The morning air had a bite to it, but the sun was peeking over the top of the mountain. What more could she ask for? The dog sniffed the air and walked to the edge of the driveway where she peed in one spot. She was different from other dogs. When most of them came by with their owners, Vala would stay up on the porch, leash or no leash. She was a good protector.

  The word brought up a strong association. Jack had used it previously when he started building a plan to protect his home from intruders. People in Cascade had firearms, some of them hung in the back of their truck up against the back. There was a lot of hunting in these parts and hunting accidents were common. Sometimes the sight of a gun evoked strong memories of Jack and his obsession with wanting guns. But his obsession went way passed extreme. Jack had a collection of throwing knives, spears for sparing, steel swords, wooden bowken’s, anything that could hurt an intruder.

  At first she forbid him to have them, and even got her parents on her side. What if the baby found it when he got older? But he convinced her that he would show Eli how to use the weapons. When the gun discussion came up, she was mortified. What if someone found it, what if he used it inappropriately during one of his trances? Maggie realized she didn’t want Jack having more control. She knew that bringing a gun into the house meant that she was totally powerless.

  The girls at the battered women’s shelter taught her that strength lied in the ability to speak and be understood. When your voice is heard and your opinion matters to another and proper boundaries are given, then you are empowered. She learned the definition of a healthy relationship which mirrored mutual respect. Her relationship with Jack never fit that description.

  Vala tugged gently on the leash which broke Maggie’s train of thought. Maggie followed her to the backyard. There was a pile of trash heaped up on her property line, back by the national forest. “That’s odd,” She said to herself as she bent over and crushed up the loose advertisements. “Who would leave trash back here?”