Every Last Breath

by Gaffney, Jessica

  When Maggie walked inside, she heard the faint beep of her cell phone alerting her to an incoming message. Attorney Collins had emailed her. Bringing her restraining order to Colorado would cost about $4400, money well spent. She had already filed and did the hard part, now it was instilling the order and convincing the police this was not another domestic issue that would work itself out.

  Maggie agreed to the fees and confirmed a retainer. This was how she protected herself, legally. Especially for Eli’s sake.

  CHAPTER 11

  Eli was already dressed when Maggie got out of the shower. Typically Sunday’s were the day he laid around in his pajamas and refused to comb his hair. But today, he was going to see Santa. He was eager for Ben to pick them up. Maggie was just as thrilled. Aside from getting the tree and trying her hand at working with the dogs, this was the highlight of her month. Zipping up her favorite pair of boots she secured her Tiffany bracelet, her mother bought her as a birthday present, and looped her earrings in. For the remaining fifteen minutes, Maggie checked her hair, glossed her lips in a pale nude tone and packed a bag of snacks. She liked Eli to eat healthy before the Mall food court beckoned his attention.

  Ben arrived a few minutes early. Maggie did her best to wait, the garage was shut and she gave Vala the command that someone was entering the home. The door bell rang like a loud gong, and Eli yanked the door open. “Well hello there. Are you ready to go meet Santa?”

  He grabbed Ben’s hand and pulled him back toward the truck, “I am. Come on.”

  Ben laughed, “Wait buddy, what about your mom?” Eli may have had his hand but Maggie held his attention.

  The ride was wonderful. Eli played and joked with Ben for half of the ride and when it was time for a coffee stop, he convinced Ben to buy him a cookie. About ten minutes after they reached the freeway, Eli fell asleep. The conversation had been G rated to that point, but she hoped for more. She had questions but didn’t want to Ben to feel interrogated. “Do you mind some music?” He asked.

  “Not at all. What’s your forte?”

  “Holiday music would be great. Especially the old songs.”

  Maggie agreed. She missed the days of Christmas caroling and eggnog. Nowadays all the stations played were the same old mundane music. Maggie loved to sing carols when she was growing up. They always did when she was younger. Her aunt had a set of books they took with them as they wandered around the town singing to those who would listen.

  People were more guarded now, and certainly got offended.

  She turned to Ben and asked, “How did your family spend Christmas?”

  “Well, it was interesting, I will say that. I have a big family.”

  Ben drove with one hand on the wheel.

  “How big?” Maggie hoped she wasn’t prying. But family is a big part of your life. Ben’s answers would tell her a lot about him.

  “Big. I have four brothers and sisters, I am the youngest. By the time I was old enough to enjoy Christmas, they had boyfriends and girlfriends, who joined us. My dad had his two brothers and then there was my mom’s parents and some neighbors.”

  Maggie admired the nostalgia of the moment. Ben seemed caught up in the memory. “All these people, must have been near thirty people, all sandwiched in our little home.”

  “Sounds nice.”

  “How about you?”

  She glanced back at Eli. “It’s just us. My dad died and mom is back east.” She kept it simple for now, mentioning anything else may ruin the day.

  “Well you picked a great state to raise your boy in. He’s got years ahead of him, for fishin’, four wheelin’, hunting, you name it.”

  “Hockey,” she voiced. “And I’m hoping against the hunting one.”

  “It’s a real sport out in these parts. It’s not like back east where the deer just walk through your yard.”

  She straightened up, annoyed with the conversation. “Call it what you want, I don’t like guns.”

  A few more miles went by and the tension seemed to fade. When a favorite Christmas carol came over the radio, Maggie turned it up. “Do you mind?”

  “Sing away,” Ben hailed.

  “Okay, but I’m not very good.”

  Ben watched as she unveiled her true personality. Maggie threw her head back and moved her hands like a conductor. Her rendition of In Exelsis Deo was not as bad as she remembered. Eli began wrestling in the back seat. She stopped until he resumed a peaceful state. That’s when she noticed he fell asleep with is juice box in hand. Maggie unbuckled her seat belt and reached back between the seats.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m rescuing his juice box. He has a tendency to squeeze it while he’s napping.”

  “Do you want me to pull over?”

  “No, I got it.” She rubbed his tiny wrist until his hand opened up. He let go of the box and she tucked it safely in the door console.

  She huffed as she reacquainted herself with the front seat. “I sure hope you don’t do that while you are driving?”

  She shook her head. “I’ve gotten rather good at it.”

  After circling the covered parking Ben pulled up to a busy department store. “I will meet you guys on the upper level by the carousel. Sound good?”

  He drove off as Eli took her hand and headed inside. The doors parted blowing warm air on their faces. The moment they entered the store, the lines and music stirred up the nostalgia. Their noses defrosted from the outdoor chill and the café connected to the store smelled of glorious coffee and treats.

  Eli was lured toward the decorations. He had not seen such fanfare on this large of a scale. Around every corner he reached out to touch every snowflake and sled, moose, and bow. It was quite the undertaking keeping him under control as they waited for Ben.

  Maggie breezed through a rack as Eli eyed the toys on a nearby kiosk. Something about the all the excitement really raised her spirits.

  Ben arrived, all blistery and cute with his rosy red cheeks. He handed Maggie her black leather purse, I thought you might want this. She blushed and swung it over her arm. “Thank you.”

  “You guys ready to find some magic boots?” Ben teased.

  “I want to see Santa.”

  “Okay. Let’s go.”

  The trio made their way through the masses to the escalators. With enchanting stares Maggie took in the sights. Twelve foot ornaments hung from the ceiling, and a winter fairy land adorned the ground. The entire lower level of the mall was converted into the North Pole.

  “Look, over there,” Eli squealed when he spotted Santa and the long line that weaved across the center of the mall. Eli gripped Maggie’s finger as he pulled her faster towards the line of excited children.

  Ben stepped away to make a phone call and Maggie actually missed him. She liked the feeling of the three of them paling around at Christmas. Jack had never liked Christmas, nor any holiday for that matter. Even now it was strange to think of him as Eli’s father, not after what she had discovered. When Eli was born Jack had the desire to go visit his childhood home. He had never taken Maggie inside the house. The few times they were there, Jack would walk up to the door and peek inside. His father died years ago, but Jack never spoke of what happened. All she knew was that he was estranged from his sister and somewhere in the mix he had a half sibling. That’s what made her pity him.

  Eli was just a baby when she took him to see Santa. Jack refused to come, and waited outside in the parking lot. It took an hour and half to get pictures, so when she returned to the place they had parked, the car and Jack were gone. Maggie phoned him but the call went right to voicemail. Too embarrassed to call her friend, she took a cab ride home and used the money she stowed away in her jewelry box to pay the bill. Jack was brooding.

  Her walk down memory lane ended as the family ahead of her in line, suddenly got sick and moved to the side. She and Eli were next. She held his little hand and asked him if he knew what to ask Santa. “I’m going to ask him for a superhero cape and
maybe a kitten, or a pet lizard.”

  She smiled, though the thought of the lizard was not accommodating. “Well make up your mind, we are next.”

  Eli hopped onto Santa’s lap and smiled big and proud while Maggie snapped a few of her own pictures. She looked around for Ben but he was still not back from his call. She worried slightly, but tried to put her mind at ease. Was he calling a woman, was there someone else in the picture?

  She told herself that no matter what happened she and Eli would have a great Christmas. She eyed the escalator and the top level of the mall. As she did she noticed the glass elevator coming down from the second level. A solitary man dressed in dark colors stood at the front, staring her way. Maggie swallowed hard. “Was that him, did she just see Jack? It couldn’t be?”

  She looked away with a smile to hide her sense of fear. When the elevator docked she scanned the crowd and whispered, “No. Dear Jesus please keep him away from us.”

  Eli hopped off Santa’s lap and ran right past Maggie. “Hey bud,” she turned to follow him and saw Ben standing just outside the crowded area.

  Ben scooped him up and waited for Maggie. He opened the gate as the she walked through. “Santa’s beard isn’t real. I could tell.”

  “Is that so?” Ben responded.

  Maggie swallowed hard, her heart rate increasing. She spun around and tried to remain calm. “This is not happening again.”

  Ben set him down and tussled his hair. He looked at Maggie. “Maggie, are you okay? You’re as white as a ghost.”

  Eli looked at his momma. “I bet Santa takes off his beard to eat.”

  “I’m fine. Just the crowd I guess. It plays tricks on me.”

  Ben took her hand. . “Do we need to leave?”

  “Come on guys.”Eli tugged at Ben’s hand and pulled him toward the big fountain. The child stared over the edge as if it were a bottomless sea.

  Maggie held her breath and closed her eyes. “Do you know what this is?” Ben asked. “It’s a wishing well.”

  “Do you know what I wish for mom?”

  She tried to smile but her heart was ready to collapse. “What baby?”

  “I wish you could have magic boots to make the scary stuff go away.”

  Ben seemed puzzled, but she kept her eyes on her son. Had her fears been that unmanageable that her son noticed? She was a mess, and yes she wanted to leave.

  Ben scooped up Eli and asked him if he was hungry. “I am,” he pronounced.

  Ben looked down at Maggie and said, “How about we get out of here and go get some food?”

  The ride home was relaxing, despite the long lines and traffic. Once Eli fell asleep, she knew Ben would raise the question of what happened at the mall. So she approached the subject first.

  “I’m sorry I freaked out back there,” she said, folding her hands in her lap. “It’s just something that happens.”

  “I understand. You don’t like crowds. I get that way with thunder. It makes me jumpy.”

  Maggie chuckled. “Thunder huh. I guess that always relaxes me.” She exhaled, “Look, I don’t really hate crowds.” Her mouth went dry as she attempted to continue. “It’s more of a fear that someone can follow me.”

  Ben changed lanes. “You mean like a stalker?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Well, has that ever happened to you?”

  Maggie looked out the window. “Can we talk about this when Eli isn’t in earshot?”

  “It’s no big deal. I don’t think going to the mall is something I need a heads up on. Crazy ex-husband who wants to kill me; that I need to know. But this, don’t sweat it.”

  Maggie smirked, partly because he was not far from the truth and the other reason was they had officially moved past small talk. Unsure of how long it would last, she savored every moment.

  Amidst the chaos of spotting Jack and the stress of the holiday, it was so nice to have a man at her side. The tailend of the ride was the best. Half of the town was decorated for Christmas, and if Ben took the old business route through Downtown Colorado Springs, they would see the historic homes all lit up. It was something she enjoyed and loved to do that with him, well to her, that was special.

  The glow from Christmas lights and the myriad of colors warmed her heart.

  Ben turned up the street, joking about one of the neighbors who refused to decorate for the holiday. Some nights Maggie spotted a snow hare in their front yard, she wondered if the Christmas lights would scare it away.

  He pulled past his house and brought the sleeping child and Maggie back home.

  She eagerly asked if he wanted to stay. He unbuckled his seatbelt. “I had a great day with you two. But I think it’s time that I go.”

  Her eyes locked on his. She felt her heart drop. “Oh, I’m sorry if we kept you. Thank you. We had a great time.”

  He smiled at her and looked back at Eli. “I had a wonderful day, and I’d do it all over again. But I need to go home, and clear my head.”

  “That’s fine.”

  She was lying and they both knew it.

  “Maggie it’s not that I don’t want to ask you out on a real date. But my company just took on a new project. It’s a large job and it would require me to move back there.”

  “I understand.”

  “I’ll call you in a day or two. But if anything arises, call my aunt.”

  She nodded and woke Eli up. Exiting the car, Ben let her open his door and take the sleepy child out of his seat. He waited until they got inside before backing out of the driveway. Maggie’s hopes deflated as his lights faded down the hill. She felt the swell in her eyes as she realized that a family and peace were just not in her future.

  CHAPTER 12

  The sun broke over the mountain just after 6:10 am. All the talk about Christmas between her and Ben sent her on a search for a father and son photo where Jack held Eli. Her hunt for such a photo led her to online storage she once used. She had dismantled the family photos last year. It was the best way to help Eli understand that his daddy was not coming back into their lives. She wasn’t sure what would happen, but they would never be a family and in her mind, Eli’s life depended on staying away from Jack Burke.

  Looking through the various albums had brought on a realization. Something had been missing from her life; it was evident in the photos. Regardless of her marital status, she had never actually felt like she and Jack were a family. There was no affection in their photos and the smile on her face, when she did see one, was more subdued and guarded than one would expect.

  In fact, it had made her sick. After a run to the toilet, Maggie stepped closer to the mirror and took a good look at her aging face. When had her skin dried out and those wrinkles appeared? Her grays were starting to sprout up through her dirty blonde hair. She never cared before, but something about Ben made her want to care. Was she really happy dressing in flannel shirts and working with dogs? Did she miss city life and dining with publisher’s agents?

  What happened to the Maggie that existed before Jack? Where was she?

  Before her thoughts could relish in time gone by, Eli rushed into the bathroom.

  “Where are you going in such a rush?”

  Eli hurried to the toilet. “Can you give me some pryvassy please,” he grumbled.

  He was growing up so fast. The toddler phase had been over for some time and this rough and tumble little man had taken his place. She turned on the TV just in time to learn that there was delay at school. Dropping Eli off was out of the question, she’d never have enough time to get to work and back.

  She bet he was hungry. The only way to keep him out of the sugar cereal, which she promised herself she’d eventually stop buying, was to give him pancakes or eggs.

  Maggie whisked up the eggs as Eli bustled out of the bathroom and toward the TV. “Ooh can I help?” Eli loved to cook.

  “I would love your help.”

  “Okay.” He pulled a chair across the wood floor and climbed up. “Let me do it then.”


  She looked over his shoulder as he mixed the eggs like they were cement about to be poured. She measured the vanilla extract and buttered a hot pan. Eli set the table as best as he could. She flipped the pancakes and made their plates. “They look yummy,” he said licking his little lips.

  She was happy to have him eat a healthy breakfast. “What are we doing today mommy?”

  “You have school don’t you?”

  “But mom it’s snowing. And you never bring me down the mountain in the snow.”

  He was all about the fun, and who could blame him? “Can I play hooky today?”

  “After we shovel the driveway first, then maybe we can go into town.”

  The skate rink was a small pond in the center of town, directly behind the library. On a day like today, the pond was sure to be packed, but if she dropped him off at Claire’s she could still get to work, and since she missed a day or two since Thanksgiving, it was the right thing to do.

  “Sure baby.”

  “Is Claire going to watch me today?”

  With batter in the skillet, Maggie picked up her phone to check email, when a call from an unassigned number flashed up on the screen. Maggie did not answer. Anyone she knew was already programmed in her phone.

  Eli kept busy most of the morning, between shoveling and playing with Lego’s. Once her street was plowed, she made her way to the kennel. Claire was out but would be back just after lunch. All Maggie needed was about five hours at the office and she’d be back on track.

  Eli was fussy. He was hungry and cold from playing outside. Maggie drove home as fast as she could, just for her own sanity. When the garage door opened she pulled in slowly. “Mommy, where’s Vala?”

  Maggie looked toward the door leading into the house. The dog was always at her post when they returned home. It was part of her training.