Separation

by Louise Lyons

  I'd been so determined to take things slowly, to be certain we were both sure. Then I'd thought, the hell with it. Who cares? I'd wanted him too much to think properly and we'd gone as far as to have that talk. Had he wanted me to fuck him? Was he disappointed we hadn't done that?

  “Shit,” I muttered aloud. Suddenly I wasn't sure. It felt so good when I was with him. Now the farther away I got, the more I wondered if we'd made a huge mistake. I tried to swallow that feeling and tell myself it didn't matter. We weren't hurting anybody. Stef knew, but he hadn't reacted too badly. My parents would never find out. But I knew. And Tam knew. I'd spent my whole life longing for something I hadn't known existed, and been overjoyed when I discovered I had a twin who wanted to know me just as much. Had we spoiled that? Had what we'd done changed it? If I said it aloud, would it change how I felt?

  “I had sex with my brother,” I told the car. I repeated it, and all the words brought was more confusion. I loved him and longed for him. I wanted him back in my arms, in my bed. But over and over I questioned myself. Is this going to ruin everything? What if I wake up one day and hate what we're doing? Wouldn't it be better to stop now, before it's too late?

  I tormented myself for the rest of the journey. My constant inner monologue had exhausted me, and when I arrived, all I wanted to do was lie down in my room and hide from my parents. But Mum greeted me at the door, of course, and saw through my forced smile.

  “Mattie, what's wrong? You look terrible. Is Tam all right?”

  “I'm fine. And yes, he's okay. I didn't sleep that well last night and the drive was tiring.”

  “Are you sure there's nothing else? “

  “Positive.”

  “I'm just making dinner. I don't suppose you've eaten.”

  “I had something on the way back,” I lied. “I'm not hungry now, thanks.” I excused myself and went to my room.

  I sent Tam a brief text to let him know I was home. He'd be halfway through his shift at work, maybe on a break. I rephrased the few words several times before I settled on: Home now, miss you. M.

  I didn't expect to get an answer right away. I wasn't sure he'd have his phone with him at work, but within ten minutes, while I was continuing to question myself, it rang.

  “Fuck.” I stared at his name on the screen. After everything that had been going through my head, I couldn't talk to him. At least not right away. When the phone stopped ringing, I switched it off and fired up my computer instead.

  Engrossed in the articles I found online, and a forum dedicated to people in similar situations to me, I didn't hear the tap on my door. When it opened and my mother peeked in, I slammed the laptop closed in shock, my face burning.

  “Are you sure you're all right, love? I did knock.”

  “Yeah, just busy. I was miles away.”

  “Okay. You know if you want to talk about anything—”

  “I don't, Mum. I'm fine. Just doing some, um, research.” It was the truth, at least, although she guessed I meant art-related.

  When she left me alone, I carried on reading. The hours I'd spent researching had already gone a long way to easing my mind. The forum was full of posts from men and women who were or had been in relationships with their siblings. I hadn't found any twins yet, but brother and sister romances seemed surprisingly common. Most of the responses to the posts were supportive, the general opinion of those interested enough to comment being that love isn't wrong, and these types of relationship were only unhealthy if they were being forced on you by an older family member, or if they led to children.

  I read an article about the Westermarck effect, the theory that children brought up together in constant proximity never developed physical attraction to each other. Tam and I had already considered the way we felt could be due to us never having met until we were adults. Maybe I really was worrying about nothing. So long as my parents knew nothing about it, why shouldn't I be with him? It was a question I'd asked myself many times, but having other people's opinions available to read quelled most of my concerns.

  Eventually, I signed up to the forum under a fake name and wrote a post. Having some comments on my own situation would be more helpful. I rewrote, tweaked, and rewrote again, before I dared upload the post, then considered deleting it immediately. I hadn't given a great deal of detail—only that my twin and I had been separated a short time after birth, not met again until we were adults, and had developed an instant attraction to each other, that had already turned sexual.

  I moved the cursor to the Delete button, and hovered. What if Tam was doing the same thing I was, and he read it? But he was at work. I could always delete it later. I waited, and within a few minutes a short reply came.

  Dude, you're not hurting anyone. If you're not identical, most people would never know. Why deny yourself something you both want and end up being unhappy? I'm in the same boat, but we're not twins. I'm 28, he's two years younger. We started this five years ago, after our parents died. We don't look that alike, and no one knows except one close friend. It's the most satisfying relationship I've ever been in.

  I typed a brief reply to thank him, and stayed online. By the time I estimated Tam would be leaving work, four new comments had appeared, two from other guys in relationships with their sisters, and two from random forum readers who weren't, but couldn't see a problem with it. I swapped email addresses with the first guy, who lived in the USA, and he told me I could message him any time I was concerned about anything, or wanted advice. When I was done, I deleted my post and logged off. The support of a few random strangers made a big difference, and my doubts from earlier were gone, replaced by eagerness to hear Tam's voice.

  I gave him an hour to get out of work and travel home, waiting impatiently until I could call him. When he answered, I didn't give him the chance to say anything.

  “Hey, are you home?”

  “Yeah, just. The bus was late.”

  “I'm sorry I missed your call earlier. I was, um, busy.”

  “Are you okay?” He sounded tense, and I hurried to reassure him.

  “I'm fine. I miss you, that's all. I couldn't wait to hear your voice.”

  “You don't regret anything?”

  “No, Tam, I don't. What about you?”

  “No, I was just scared you would. I had this weird feeling while I was at work. Like maybe you'd been thinking and decided this is wrong.”

  A shiver ran through me at how he knew that. Often it seemed like he could read my mind. “I had some doubts on the way home,” I admitted. “I was just confused, but I've been reading some stuff on the Internet. Chatting to a guy, too. There's a forum for people like us, and he's in love with his younger brother.” I rattled on, telling him everything I'd thought, and questioned, and how the support of random strangers made me realize I wasn't wrong. We weren't wrong.

  “Wow. You know, I spent the second half of my shift thinking maybe you were going to call me and end things.”

  “I'm sorry. That's not going to happen, I promise. I love you too much. Not just as my twin either.” I smiled as he drew in a breath. “Can you borrow Stef's computer and Skype? I want to see you.”

  “I don't have an account set up yet. But I bought a laptop. I went in a shop before work and grabbed the first one that seemed suitable. I'll set it up tonight and we can Skype tomorrow.”

  We carried on talking until Tam began to yawn. When I hung up, I emailed my new friend, Blake, from the forum. I typed a few short lines, thanking him again for his comments, and letting him know I was over my fears and things were great with Tam. His reply came quickly, from an iPhone, wishing us luck and asking me to keep in touch.

  The next morning, I no longer had to hide my mood from my parents. My doubts and unhappiness were gone, and again I brushed it off as having been tired. I broached the subject of me moving out over breakfast.

  “I know it's sudden. But Tam's my twin and we want to live closer to each other. Maybe share a place.”

  “He could com
e here,” Mum suggested at once. “He's welcome to stay as long as he wants.”

  “Julie, it's about time the kid stood on his own two feet.” Dad grinned at me to show he wasn't having a dig at me. “Are you thinking of moving to Devon, then?”

  “Yeah. It's nicer than here. No offense. Tam has a better job now, and is sharing a place with his mate. There isn't much available to rent around there at the moment, but something will come up. I can do my course and my online shop from anywhere.”

  “It's so far away.” Mum sighed.

  “I know. It's too far away from… my brother. We'll visit and you can come and see us. I've missed out on having him in my life up to now. I know you'll be glad to have the house to yourselves again and stop having to buy things for me.” I smiled and Mum wiped her eyes.

  “I know, love. We'll miss you, that's all. I suppose I always thought when you eventually found your own place to live, you'd stay local.”

  “I think even if I hadn't found Tam, I wouldn't want to stay in St. Albans. I'd probably move to another town. Maybe somewhere with more to offer, which is ironic since Salcombe has absolutely nothing. It's tiny. We were even looking at a village called Hope Cove, and all that has is a post office and a pub.”

  “Sometimes people are more important than location.” Dad beamed at me. “Good luck, son. Let us know if you need any help with deposits, or anything else. I have to go to work in a minute.”

  “One more thing.” I paused. “I want to give Tam the Mini. Is that okay?”

  “It's your car, Matt. You do what you want with it,” Dad replied, and Mum nodded. It had all been so easy, although Mum was upset I planned to move so far away. If only they would have accepted me being with Tam so easily, but that was never going to happen. The only problem would be when we both appeared to stay single forever, but we'd have to cross that bridge when we came to it. Hopefully it would be a long time before any questions were asked.

  It was two weeks before I saw Tam again, although we talked on Skype every night. His shifts coincided with Stef's, meaning we couldn't have even a day alone together. Eventually, impatience made me book a hotel in Salcombe for three nights, so we wouldn't have to worry about either Stef or my parents. I drove there in the Mini, intending to leave it with Tam and go home on the train.

  We checked in together on Wednesday evening, with Tam protesting about the cost of the hotel I'd chosen. “We could have camped,” he said doubtfully.

  “You are joking. Do you have camping gear?”

  “No.”

  “Nor do I.” I made a face. “And I don't intend to spend three nights under canvas where everyone can hear us.”

  Tam flushed scarlet. “Yeah, okay. But I'm paying half. This hotel is ridiculously expensive.”

  “It's all I could find with an available room.”

  The room was the height of luxury, with a king size bed, and a separate lounge space equipped with a monster couch, desk and chairs, TV with surround sound, and a minibar full of small bottles of alcohol, water, juice, and snacks. The bathroom was gleaming marble and porcelain, and boasted a cabinet filled with shampoos, shower gels, soaps, mini perfumes and aftershaves, and an assortment of other useful items.

  We ordered room service that evening, despite the extravagant prices, and snuggled together on the huge leather couch. Nothing had been said about what would happen between us, but every time I glimpsed the silk-sheeted bed from the corner of my eye, I imagined us in it, and a flutter of excitement filled me. Whatever we did, even if it was just to kiss and hold each other, it would be amazing. But I sensed it would be more than that this time. I'd had another test, just to be sure, although I hadn't mentioned it to Tam, and I had lube in my bag. Just in case.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Tremaine

  I spent far too long in the bathroom, supposedly getting a “quick freshen up” and cleaning my teeth. Would Matt even want to do anything more than we'd already done? I wasn't sure, but I'd got another test that week just to be certain.

  I washed and scrubbed myself over and over until my skin almost squeaked. Then I stood behind the bathroom door, ridiculously nervous. I hadn't been nervous with Chris, not even the first time. But this was different. Matt was my whole life in more ways than one. He'd been with a few more men than me, and I didn't want to disappoint him. And I didn’t want him to do it, then wish he hadn't.

  “Oh God,” I whispered aloud. “Get it together, you dick.”

  “Tam?” Matt tapped on the door. “You okay?”

  “Yeah!” I yanked open the door and met his eyes. “Sorry. I just, um, I was taking my time.”

  “I'm nervous, too, you know.”

  I gaped at him. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Tiny bit. You know, we don't have to do anything other than what we've done already. Not even that if you don't want. I just want to be with you.”

  “But what do you want?”

  “I want you to be happy.”

  “That's not what I asked.” I stepped past him and made my way to the bed.

  “Okay, listen.” Grabbing me around the waist, Matt pulled me down onto the mattress. “I want everything with you. But it doesn't have to be now. We've got, like, sixty years with any luck. It doesn't have to all be crammed into the first few weeks.”

  I grinned. “I'm being stupid, aren't I?”

  “No. I've probably had the same thoughts as you about a million times.”

  “Except that you haven't only been with one guy who criticized your performance enough times to make you think you're shit in bed.”

  “Is that what you're worried about?” Matt pulled me tighter against him and brushed his lips over mine. “Seriously, whatever we do will be way better than anything in my past, because I'm with someone I love this time.”

  “I love you, too.” I slid my arms around him, my stupid nerves finally dispersing. “Why are you nervous?”

  “I don't know. It's been a while, and this isn't anything like the other times. It's special.” He flushed and his eyes darkened, boring into mine from inches away. “Now it's your turn to tell me what you want.”

  I took a breath and whispered, “I want you inside me.”

  “Okay. Do you want me to use a condom? I got tested again anyway, but I brought some just in case.”

  “I got tested again, too. And no, I don't want anything between us. I brought lube.”

  Matt's lips twitched. “So did I.”

  “Well, we've got plenty of time to use it.” We both laughed and any residual nervousness dispersed. Still chuckling, Matt covered my mouth with his and after a few clumsy kisses, our laughs turned to groans of pleasure as we pressed against each other. The hard ridge of Matt's dick trapped inside his jeans, rubbed against mine through the towel I’d wrapped around my waist.

  Matt slid one hand between us to tug the towel loose, and I winced when his fly buttons dug into sensitive flesh. Struggling not to break our wet, messy kiss, he unfastened his jeans and began to wriggle out of them. I helped, trying to wrestle both jeans and underwear down his legs until we broke apart, laughing.

  “Fuck it.” Pulling away from me, he sat up and fought his way out of his clothes, tossing the items across the room. When he lay down again, he rolled me onto my back and lowered himself onto me, knees either side of mine to take a little of his weight. “You know, I'm gonna last about a minute if I'm lucky.”

  “Me too. Wanking in the shower just doesn't cut it.”

  Matt snorted, then moaned as I slipped my hands between us and grasped us both, rubbing his cock against mine. “Let's come like this first. I can't wait, and I'll need a fair bit of prep before we can fuck. I only use one finger when I do it to myself.”

  Neither of us lasted long. Matt thrust against me as I stroked us, and within minutes we had finished and cleaned up. We lay in each other's arms, lazily kissing and talking, until our spent dicks came back to life.

  Matt slid his hand from my back to my ass, and gently
stroked one finger back and forth over my anus. I squirmed and moaned, disappointed when he stopped. I glanced up as he sucked on his fingers, coating them in saliva before he continued to touch me. I clenched and twitched, my sensitive flesh responding immediately and my erection jumping. He circled my hole, gradually applying slight pressure until his fingertip slipped inside.

  “Oh God. Yes,” I whispered.

  “More?”

  “Yeah.” I resisted the urge to grab my dick again, and rubbed myself against his hip instead, desperate for friction. He pressed deeper, pushing into me as far as he could reach. He moved his finger torturously slowly, in and out, until I could barely stand it. He couldn't reach my prostate from the angle he had his hand, and the feel of his damp skin against my cock wasn't enough. I clutched at him, impatient, longing to demand more, relieved when he read my mind.

  “Lift your leg.” I protested at the loss of his finger, but when he slid his hand between my legs and entered me again, his finger slippery with lube, he nudged the small sensitive bump inside me that made me see stars.

  “Fuck!”

  “You ready for another finger?”

  “Yeah. Hurry up. Please.”

  “I'm not rushing this.”

  “Then hurry up carefully.” I breathed out as he added a second finger, relieved when the discomfort was minimal. He refused to be hurried, and no amount of begging or trying to shove myself onto his hand made a difference. He added more lube and stretched me slowly until I could take three fingers. My dick throbbed and leaked, my balls tight and almost painful, but as close as I was, I couldn't come, and Matt knew it. He seemed calm and relaxed as if he could wait forever, only the wet smears on my stomach from his cock giving him away. When he withdrew his fingers and reached for the lube again, I sighed with relief.

  “Let me do that.” I took the tube from him and coated him slowly, grinning wickedly at his moans.

  “That's torture.”

  “Now you know how I felt for the last three hours.”