Ravensong

by ML Hamilton

  His thumb traced her cheek bone. “I don’t want to be successful at all.”

  “What about my job?”

  He ran his thumb over her lower lip. “Let’s keep it a secret. It’s no one’s business but our own anyway.”

  She stroked the hair away from his forehead. “If we do that, I have to make a trip to Colorado. Otherwise, the guilt will eat me alive. I’ve got to end it with John.”

  “I guess I understand that, but are you sure you want to end it?”

  She leaned forward and placed her lips against his. He returned her kiss. “What do you think?”

  “I think my headache’s getting better.”

  She laughed, then leaned over him again. “I guess it’s my duty to help then.”

  He nodded. “Yes, it is your duty,” he muttered, then pulled her mouth down to his.

  * * *

  Elena was nervous leaving Avalanche with Julian, but she couldn’t stay engaged to John if she was having an affair with Joshua. When Avalanche left for the next city, Elena asked for two personal days to take care of her private business. Julian gratefully gave them to her.

  Elena suspected he was being magnanimous because he was trying to reassert his control over the band. After her confrontation with him in the hospital, the other band members had begun seeking her advice, not his. Since she already arranged all of their travel, there was little left for him to oversee, except some more wildly exaggerated publicity interviews.

  She mentioned to Joshua that he was going to have to give an interview or else the pubic might fear that he’d died from his wounds. She had arranged one with a daily entertainment show set to air the same day of the concert.

  She hated leaving Joshua, but he was much improved, and she needed to put the past behind her. Kate hadn’t been very supportive when Elena called her with her decision. She said she was concerned that hiding the romance with Joshua would only make it unsustainable.

  Elena stared out the window of the plane. Oddly enough, no relationship Elena had ever experienced seemed as effortless as this one. They were strangely at ease with one another. When his family called to check up on him, it felt natural to stay in the room and listen to the one sided conversation.

  She didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about it. She was beginning to realize that she’d spent a lot of time analyzing her past relationships. Wasn’t that what people always said – relationships were work? She’d worked so hard at them that they’d fallen apart, tattered and torn by her worrying.

  She didn’t expect anything out of Joshua and he didn’t seem overly inclined to expect much himself. They enjoyed each other’s company and for some reason that was enough. Just a few months ago, she’d felt like she had to choreograph her life. Marriage by a certain age, then the requisite purchase of a home, followed closely by children, and settling into a prescripted role. What if it didn’t have to be that way? What if it could be nothing more than enjoying someone for what he offered you at that moment?

  Following her instinct not to overanalyze, she lowered the shade on the window, leaned her seat back, and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, the plane was landing and she had to face the decision she’d made.

  It was a short taxi ride from the airport to John’s apartment. She hadn’t brought more than a small carry-on because she had booked a flight for later that afternoon. Griping the bag, she stared up at the two story building.

  A strange sense of calm flowed through her. She hadn’t seen John for five months. They hadn’t talked in more than a week. He’d already slid into that distant part of her mind, reserved for the past.

  Griping the railing in one hand, she climbed to the top of the stairs and knocked at the door. She could hear someone moving around inside and then the door opened. John stood in the entrance, tall and straight and serious.

  “Hello, John,” she said, forcing an awkward smile.

  “Elena,” he breathed. He made a strange, jerky motion, as if he intended to hug her, then stopped and simply stared. “It’s been so long.”

  Elena nodded. “Can I come in?”

  “Oh,” he said, then moved back, swinging out his arm. “After you.”

  She entered the apartment and settled her bag by the door. The entrance opened on a living room with heavy furnishings and a large screened television hanging over the mantle. Magazine and newspaper articles littered the table. She recognized most of them. He’d obviously been following the tour. For some reason, that surprised her. “This is nice,” she said, turning to face him.

  “Please sit,” he offered, motioning at the couch. “Can I get you a drink or something?”

  Elena shook her head, moving to the spot he indicated. “I’m fine.”

  John perched himself on the edge of a chair opposite her. He’d never been one to display his affection, but by his posture, she knew he already guessed why she’d come.

  “How’s the sabbatical going?” she asked.

  “Well...well...” He paused and his brow furrowed. “Elena, I sensed from your call that something is wrong.”

  She clasped her hands in her lap. “I needed to talk to you in person.”

  “I see.” He pushed his glasses up on his nose. “About us, I’m guessing.”

  Elena nodded, then reached into her pocket and pulled out the small, black box. She placed it on the table between them and pushed it over to his side. “I can’t keep this. We’re not ready to get married.”

  His eyes lifted from the box to her face. “I disagree. We’re both adults and...”

  “No,” said Elena, “That’s not the problem. We don’t really love each other...”

  “That’s not true, I love you very much.”

  Elena exhaled. “John, you left me for six months.”

  “That’s what a sabbatical is, Elena.”

  “But it wasn’t even a difficult decision for you. You jumped at the chance. Let’s face it. We both moved too quickly when we decided to get married, then you took the first opportunity that presented itself to bolt.” He shook his head, but she held up a hand. “I’m not blaming you. I understand it, but we can’t continue in this mistake.”

  “I don’t see it as a mistake, and neither did you.” He frowned at her. “What’s changed?”

  She sighed. “Nothing...and everything. I want more.”

  “More? More than companionship and security and affection?”

  She stared at him a moment in silence and realized she really didn’t know him. She knew about him, but she didn’t know him. “Love, John. I want love.”

  His eyes narrowed. “We talked about this before. Love is a journey. It grows with time.”

  “And what if it doesn’t? What if we’re wrong? Maybe there should be some spark of it the moment two people meet.”

  “That’s lust, not love.”

  She gave him a sad smile. “Maybe people need a little of that too.”

  His eyes widened, then he sank back in the chair. “That’s what you really mean, isn’t it? You want passion and romance and all the things you told me you didn’t believe in. I thought you were different, more mature, Elena.”

  She clasped her hands before her. “I thought I was different too, but I guess at heart, I want what every woman wants. I want to feel more than just lukewarm about someone. Whether that has anything to do with maturity, I don’t know. I just know life is awful short not to feel something powerful.”

  He looked at the box on the table. “Sounds like you’ve already found it.”

  She’d expected him to guess that, but she hadn’t yet decided how she would respond. Suddenly, she didn’t want to deny it. “I think I might have.”

  His eyes lifted from the box. “With a rock star?” he said. “Geez, Elena, you can’t be serious.”

  She studied his face and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. He was a good man, but he was too logical. Everything had to fit the narrow parameters that he set around himself. He’d never approved of her job
at the recording studio and when she’d taken the job with Avalanche, he’d been disdainful. She knew her job wasn’t as meaningful as his, but he didn’t have to keep reminding her of that.

  “Believe it or not, John, they are human too and have very similar emotions to real people.”

  “Always the sarcasm,” he remarked tiredly.

  “Sorry. It’s defensive. You have a way of making me feel small.”

  “Small? You’re telling me you’re breaking off our engagement for a drug-addicted, womanizing modern-day pirate, and I’m supposed to what...congratulate you?”

  She met his bewildered gaze. “No, I don’t expect that. I just wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry, John. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in any way.”

  His chest was rising in a quick pant. Leaning forward he braced his head in his hands. “God, you’re serious, aren’t you? You really are leaving me for one of those freaks?”

  She flinched. “That was unnecessarily cruel. Honestly, I think some part of you is relieved.”

  He looked up through his hands. “Relieved? How so?”

  “Let’s be honest, John. Most men wouldn’t jump at the chance for a sabbatical with a relationship as new as ours was. And no matter what you say, not all sabbaticals are done in a different state. You could have stayed in San Francisco, but you chose to come here. Not once did you attempt to come home, even for a weekend, and when you asked me to come out for a visit, it was always with your daughters. You like your freedom as much as I do and you were going through the motions of this marriage the same way I was. You knew your daughters opposed it and you weren’t sure yourself. Did it ever occur to you that you could have asked me to come with you?”

  “Would you have? Would you have given up that job with Avalanche?”

  “Probably not, but then I already realized we never really intended to marry each other in the first place.”

  He looked away. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Trying to have a relationship with a rock star? It’s ridiculous.”

  “Maybe, but I’m not really analyzing it.”

  His eyes snapped back to her face. “That’s a hell of a way to go through life, flying by the seat of your pants.”

  “For you, yes, but I’ve never really tried it. I’m willing to give it a go.”

  “What if you get hurt?”

  She shrugged. “It won’t be the first or I fear, the last time.”

  “God, I thought you were more sensible. This is lunacy.”

  She rose to her feet. “In truth, this is my life, John, and I’ll live it my way, rock star or not. I’m not going to apologize for that part of it. Please understand. I really didn’t want to hurt you, but after this has all cleared, I think you’ll realize it’s for the best.”

  She turned and headed for the door, bending down to pick up her bag. Reaching for the knob, she paused and glanced back. “Good bye, John,” she said.

  CHAPTER 10

  Joshua hesitated a moment on the edge of the stage. The other band members were taking position, awaiting the grand spectacle of an Avalanche concert. The sounds of the crowd were muted, but a few moments more and they would roar into life.

  He eased away from the stage, glancing around to see where Julian was. Dominic lifted his head and sat forward in his chair. Joshua motioned him back, then turned and slipped into the darkened interior of the stadium, heading toward the dressing rooms.

  Elena appeared around the corner and he hesitated. Their eyes met. A few more steps brought them together and he held her close, bending to kiss her, savoring the touch of her body against his. She returned his kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck.

  Gradually they pulled away and he placed his forehead against hers. “How did it go?”

  “It went without a hitch,” she said.

  “Unpleasant?”

  “Only toward the end.” She held him at arm’s length. “Don’t you have a show to do?”

  “Yes,” he answered with a laugh, “after this.” He drew her close and kissed her until she was breathless.

  Neither of them noticed the shadow gliding along the wall behind them, headed for the stage.

  * * *

  This far into the tour, everyone was tired of the back stage parties. Elliot suggested they go for pizza and pool, just as they frequently did in the City. The pizza parlor next to the hotel agreed to shut down for the Avalanche crowd.

  Joshua sat in the corner of a booth, sipping a beer and watching Elena and Elliot play against Ralph and Michael. The game wasn’t being taken seriously. In fact, Joshua was a little worried that they might be paying to replace the felt on the table before the night was through.

  Robert slid into the booth beside him. He settled his own beer on the table and stretched out his legs. Joshua gave him a smile. For the first time in awhile, he was content just to sit and watch the world around him, not restless and edgy as he usually felt.

  “Concert went well tonight,” said Robert.

  Joshua nodded, running his finger through the condensation on the glass.

  “Things are going well,” he continued.

  Joshua shrugged. If you ignored David’s heart attack and his concussion, he guessed they were going reasonably well.

  As if he caught Joshua’s wayward thought, he added, “With a few exceptions.”

  Joshua gave him another smile.

  “I wasn’t sure how the tour was going to continue without David, but it’s running smoothly. Elena’s a good assistant manager.”

  Joshua frowned, but he didn’t reply.

  “It’s nice to be the main attraction, don’t you think?” Robert lifted his glass and took a sip of his beer. “Well, I guess you’ve already experienced that, but for the rest of us...this is the first time we’ve had this sort of success.”

  “We’ve been the main attraction for years, Robert.”

  “Not like this we haven’t. The show is drawing bigger crowds than ever. This is the first time we’ve filled football stadiums. And a world tour? We’ve never even talked about that before.”

  Joshua sighed and lifted his own glass for a sip. “Yeah, I guess so,” he muttered, but he knew that for him it wasn’t about filling stadiums or touring year-round. It was about sharing the music with people who hungered for it as much as he did. And still, he couldn’t get excited about a world tour. That would take him away from Tiffany for who knew how long.

  “I was beginning to not worry about how I’d provide for my family.” Robert leaned forward on the table. “And yet tonight I started worrying again.”

  Joshua met his gaze, but didn’t speak.

  “Whenever things are going this well, it feels as if we’re one step from falling off the edge. Do you know what I mean? One bad review, one bad performance...one fight that breaks up the band.”

  Joshua’s eyes narrowed.

  Robert shrugged. “It’s all so fragile in this business. And even if none of those things happen, we’re just a fad away from being over. You know that this is a finite business. All of our success may not matter a year from now when the latest craze hits the teen world.” He leaned closer to Joshua. “So maybe it would be best to ride this for as long as we’ve got and do nothing to ruin it, eh?”

  Joshua’s brow rose. “I’m getting the impression you mean something specific.”

  He leaned back and looked over at the pool table. “I saw you with Elena before the concert.”

  Joshua’s mouth opened, but he found he had nothing to say.

  “You know what Elliot feels for her.”

  Joshua looked down at the table, exhaling his held breath.

  “I thought the two of you had a pact about women. I thought you were never going to let a woman come between you. I thought...”

  Joshua slammed his hand down on the table. “Enough.”

  Robert jumped, his eyes whipping to Joshua’s face. He stared at him a moment, then lea
ned close again. “This could break the band apart. Not to mention what Julian would do if he found out about it. How could you risk this? You can have any woman. Why would you risk your friendship with Elliot for her?”

  Joshua clenched his jaw. “This is different.”

  “How? How is this different? You’re risking the very success of Avalanche for an affair. This isn’t just some fling for Elliot. He’s really serious about her. Why do you think he’s taking it so slowly?”

  Joshua spread his hand out on the table. “This isn’t a fling for me either.”

  Robert leaned back. Joshua could feel his eyes scrutinizing him. “What are you saying?”

  “I don’t know what I’m saying, Bob, I’m just saying that this time I couldn’t keep my pact with Elliot.” He met Robert’s gaze. “I’m not trying to risk Avalanche, but I’m not breaking this off with her either, no matter who finds out.”

  Robert didn’t speak. He searched Joshua’s face.

  Joshua sighed and looked away. “I don’t expect you to take my side. I know it seems far-fetched, but I can’t give her up. I don’t want to.”

  “Damn!” breathed Robert.

  “Yeah, damn,” muttered Joshua.

  Robert put his elbows on the table and braced his forehead with his hands. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say nothing,” said Joshua with a tense laugh. “Let’s keep this our secret.”

  “How long do you think you can keep it? Don’t you think Elliot should know?”

  Joshua shifted in the seat and faced him. “No, I don’t think Elliot should know. I don’t even know what’s happening or how long it’ll last. Maybe it ends tomorrow. Why bring Elliot into it now? I want a chance to explore this before everyone gets involved.” He hesitated. Robert looked like he’d just gotten electric shock. “Please, Bob, don’t say anything. Give me another few weeks to see where this goes. I promise you we’ll be more discrete, but I need some time. Once it gets out to the band, it will get out to the media and they’ll be swarming this story an hour after it breaks. Give me the time to see if this is something to fight for, please.”

  “Damn!”

  “You’ve already said that,” remarked Joshua.