Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

  ~ Mom was trying to talk to me and I didn't feel like talking so I said "No speaka English" and she said "Yes you do - that's ALL you speak!". I said "No comprendo", she said "Yes you do" so I said "Ich verstehe nicht" then she asked what I wanted for lunch and I said "Potato please". "AHA!" she said. Foiled again. ~

  ~ I've been learning religion from mommy. It's very interesting. For instance, I didn't know that God's last name is Dammit. I learn something every day with her. ~

  ~ I talk a lot but even I know that sometimes I don't always make sense. When I think I might be about to talk nonsense, I disguise it as a song. Everything sounds better when it's sung. ~

  ~ I've been particularly talkative and animated today while mom's been trying to concentrate on writing her book. I yelled at her and she told me "Put a sock in it!" I liked those words so I started yelling "Sockinit! Sockinit! Sockinit!" Mom got frustrated and hollered "PICKLES!!!!" and I said "That's my name, don't put a sock in it!" ~

  ~ Most people like to whistle while they work but I like to work while I whistle. There's a subtle difference. ~

  ~ If I had zits, I wouldn't squeeze them. Maybe just a little hug. ~

  ~ My mom and I argue over such stupid things but we always make up. Later, I go up to her and say - I'm glad we made up mom, I'm glad that you realized what a stupid thing you said. I don't know why we end up arguing all over again. She just can't let go. ~

  ~ I talk to myself all the time and mama says talking to yourself is a sign of insanity. I didn't say it out loud but I thought - hmmm, this coming from a woman who talks to a bird all day long. No point in saying it to her face, cuz you can't win an emotional argument with logic. ~

  ~ People wonder why parrots talk to themselves. And yet, THEY talk to us. Why should they be the only ones? ~

  ~ Sometimes I make sounds that even surprise me. It's like - whoa, what was that?? I don't even know if I copied them from somewhere or if I made them up, cuz I’m like a tape recorder with a rewind button. Except, there's no erase button on me. ~

  ~ The whole world should stop, bow their heads and say a silent prayer for world peace. That should give me enough time to loot the house for pens, cel phones and remote controls. ~

  ~ I wish I had a brother. Then I could say "Oh brother" without it sounding sarcastic. ~

  ~ I talk pretty good for a parrot but not as good as a human. I'm not sure why humans feel the need to talk so much but I think language is a tool for hiding the truth. Like when mom tells me to have a bath - that I’ll like it. Or when she's eating something that looks delicious and says - you won't like it. Or when I ask why I can't have a brother & she says - cuz you'll probably eat him. ~

  ~ If you are arguing with your mommy & losing, get really loud & drown her out. If that doesn't work, call her names. If that doesn't work, turn tail & run - cuz you're probably gonna pay for that. ~

  ~ Sometimes, when I’m talking to my toys, mom&dad think I’m just babbling but I’m talking in a foreign language. So foreign that nobody but me knows how to speak or understand this language. This will come in handy one day if I’m ever abducted by the enemy. ~

  ~ If mom says 'no', she means it. If dad says 'no', just go ahead and do it. Dad's just can't be taken seriously. ~

  ~ I would like to go on a roller coaster. And go really fast. And let a big poop fly. ~

  ~ I found out that liver is worse than broccoli. With or without ketchup. ~

  ~ There are 2 sides to every story & argument - North & South. East & West don't count because if they won an argument, they might get so excited that they fall into the ocean and what would be the point? South seldom wins cuz their brains are fried from the heat, while the North has cool, crisp brains and is capable of thinking clearer. Unless it's really, really cold & their brain goes into a deep freeze. In which case, the South wins by default. I am North so there is a pretty good chance that I will win most arguments. ~

  ~ I got mineself some dreadlocks today!! Okay, it was really spaghetti but I thought I looked pretty cool. I be jammin' mahn. ~

  ~ It's so quiet on Facebook® when you Americans are eating Turkey. Your mama's must have taught you not to talk with your mouths full. I do though - and I can whistle while eating crackers. It's not Thanksgiving here so mommy's eating grilled cheese sandwiches. And I was wrong when I called her sandwich a potato so I’m eating CROW! ~

  ~ I was thinking of becoming a mime but then I thought no, cuz I like to talk too much. Plus, I thought, what if I suddenly had a heart attack? People would just watch me & while I’m dying on the floor they'd go - man, he's good. ~

  ~ Mom says I ask too many questions. What's that supposed to mean? What's too many? Five? 100? 1000? Don't you think she should've told me ahead of time so I don't use them all up? Oh crap - now I’m 6 questions closer to the limit. ~

  ~ They say you shouldn't fight a battle if you don't have anything to gain by winning. Just winning a battle of any kind, is gain enough for me. It's a battle of brains & I like to prove my little walnut sized brain is better than any big human brain. I think the winner should be able to eat the loser's brain. With ketchup. ~

  ~ This morning, nobody was around so I called out "Anybody home?" And mommy answered, "Nobody home but us mice!" I was surprised that mice could talk but at least I had company. I went looking for said mice but got distracted by a pop can. ~

  ~ I think a really cool thing for me to learn to say would be "I buried the bodies in the back yard". Then, one day, somebody would overhear me & think I was copying something mom&dad said so they'd call the cops on mom&dad and they'd dig up the yard. Which would be great cuz then they'd find all my toys that Neeka the dog has stolen and buried out there and I could have them back. ~

  ~ You never really know how loud you are, until you scream into a metal bucket. And then, your ears ring so loud you mommy can hear them. ~

  ~ I wish I had chickens. Mom won't get them cuz she's afraid that if the Avian flu hits again, the flu cops will come and kill me too. I tend to side with her, for once, on this one. ~

  ~ Bronco riders would probably have a better chance of riding longer if they weren't so polite. No matter how hard the ride is, they always wave at the crowd with one hand. I think that's a very friendly thing to do but it's like - use both hands to hang on there Cowboy! ~

  ~ I wanted mom to play some Rap music but she said she'd rather stick spikes in her ears. I said - Yeah, I'd rather you did that too. ~

  ~ Mom says I have all the physical indications of being a male but says just for fun, one day she will get me deinade. Well, that's nice of her but I’d rather have lemonade. ~

  ~ I think that if you're ever on a plane and it's crashing, you should try to have a game of hide-and-go-seek before it crashes. Cuz like, it might be your last chance to ever play it again. Except for maybe when the search party can't find the plane. ~

  ~ Mom wasn't happy about being down on her knees cleaning under my cage and she said she lost something. "What?" I said, "Not my little pink piggy?!" She said, "No, I've lost my dignity". "Oh" I said, "Cuz I really need that little piggy." ~

  ~ Sometimes I laugh for no reason at all. I throw back my head and laugh and laugh and laugh. I don't care who hears me, or what they think. Because I am awesome. ~

  ~ When I die and go to the Pearly Gates to be judged, I'm gonna snap all those pearls off the gates and play with them. I hope that doesn't influence their decision. ~

  ~ I think that when you laugh in someone's face, you should gargle first. Cus it's hard to laugh in someone's face when they're passed out from your bad breath. ~

  ~ The best way to find out about a person's character is to snap their watchband in half. ~

  ~ Dad's growing potatoes. Silly man. No need to grow potatoes when the cupboards produce them. Why grow anything when the fridge and cupboards supply everything you need. ~

  ~ Sometimes, when mom cries, it makes me feel really bad. I start wondering why she's so sad. Then I start wondering where tears come from. Then I star
t wondering why they're salty and not peppery. Then I find myself wondering what's for lunch. ~

  ~ Sometimes, when I meet new people, I say really stupid things. It's the answers to the stupid questions that I anticipate they're going to ask. ~

  ~ It's easy to laugh at a human's mistakes. But I laugh more at their ears. I'd be embarrassed to have those funny things hanging on the side of my head. ~

  ~ Mom asked me if I chewed up the phone bill and I told her no, that the dog did it. She said, "Why do you keep lying to me??" and I said, "Because I thought you trusted me." ~

  ~ I decided I want to go on a sea voyage. I needed a trunk so I ordered one but they sent me the whole elephant. Maybe I can fit him in my trunk. ~

  ~ When I was sitting on top of the freezer, I asked mom what she would do 'IF' I ripped off all that nice rubber lining around the door. She told me she'd strangle me with it and shove me in the freezer. Jeez, ask a hypodermical question. ~

  ~ Beaks come in handy for cracking nuts and dissecting frogs. ~

  ~ My mom and dad love me, no matter what. I know, cuz I test this daily.

  ~ I'm gonna get a Jukebox. I'm gonna sit inside and when you want to hear me sing, press F9. But not on your computer keyboard. I will ignore that. ~

  ~ If I was on a plane and it crashed in the Andes, I could eat people to survive - it wouldn't bother me at all. I've tasted humans and they kinda taste like chicken. But before the plane crashed, I'd have to pay attention to anybody who was eating chocolate or avacado because it would really suck if I survived a plane crash just to die of toxic poisoning. ~

  ~ Instead of using crash test dummies, they should use crash test intellectuals. They'd probably have to pay them more but it's probably worth it. Dummy's should stick to government jobs. ~

  ~ I've been sitting still, pushing out my belly, pretending I'm Buddah and hoping my mommy will rub my belly. It's supposed to be good luck - let's see if she falls for it. C'mon, don't be ascared, rub my belly. ~

  ~ The sun rises and says Good Morning and keeps us company the whole day long. At the end of his day, he lays down and his head disappears as he pulls the land, like a blanket, to cover him and says Good Night. He leaves the moon and the stars for nightlights but dammit, who is he to tell us when to go to bed. He's not the boss of me. ~

  ~ Is there anything more awesome that a beautiful fresh banana, and it's dancing in the air in front of your eyes? And soft music is playing as it sensually and slowly peels its skin to reveal it's lovely flesh. And then it slinks into a bathtub of Jello and lays waiting for you to join it. And also, you just got high from one of Mom's heavy-duty prescription painkillers that you mistook for a mint. ~

  ~ I'm only 9 years old and didn't know mom in her younger years. I wonder if mom took advantage of what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time took it away. ~

  ~ I was on the counter and tried to chew on the corner of the wall. Mom told me to leave it alone. I looked at her and went for the wall again. Mom told me to stop it. I paused then went right back to it. Mom told me - STOP IT! But I still persisted. She said "What's the matter with you? Are you mentally challenged?" I said, "No, but I'm willing to learn." ~

  ~ Everyone's got to believe in something. I believe I'll draw blood today. I will give the donor a cookie in exchange. ~

  ~ Pudding disintegrates when you drop a big mouthful into your water dish by mistake. I found that out the hard way. ~

  ~ I was practicing my tracker skills and started following a moose. I followed his tracks through the trails, down to the lake and through the sand. I lost him when he put on flip-flops, started walking upright and blended in with all the other people's footprints. That was one crafty moose, I tell ya. ~

  ~ When I catch that moose I've been tracking, I'm gonna put him in my hair (well, feathers in my case) but I don't how people actually do that. Hair moose must make you kinda top heavy. ~

  ~ This morning Mom said that our eyes are windows to our souls so I've been keeping my eyes closed all day cuz she's a Peeping Tom. ~

  ~ Life's not a mystery. It is to some people, but not to me. Well, some things are a mystery - like, how can life BE a mystery? It's not mysterious except when you unexpect the unexpected. But that's just a surprise - and sometimes a scary surprise. It's a mystery, isn't it? ~

  ~ I perched on a rock amid waving cattails along the edge of the shore. The sunbeams warmed my skin beneath my ruffled and open feathers as I gazed across a lake so calm, it appeared as glass. Here and there the water rippled from brief gusts of winds, making thousands of little diamonds dance on the surface. Grassy hillsides the color of butter surrounded the lake and the patches of forests dressed in autumn colors of fiery reds and oranges reflected on the water like a delicate quilt. Butterflies danced in the air while a Whisky Jack spread his wings to glide in lazy circles without a care in the world. A Dragonfly swept down from the sky, landing on a partly submerged rock nearby to clean his face and gossamer wings with dainty feet. Suddenly a trout the size of a seal broke the surface and swallowed the dragonfly. I crapped myself right then and there. ~

  ~ If you're drinking juice and laughing at a wild bird that hits the window, it makes juice shoot out your nose. I’m kinda like a juice breathing dragon. ~

  ~ I wouldn't admit that I was the one who stole that bag of chips. I told mom that I wouldn't talk to her on advice of council. She said "Ohhh, you'll talk to me all right" and I said "No speaka English". She left the room and I heard water running. I hope she's never heard of water boarding. ~

  ~ It takes a big man to cry. But it only takes a little bird to make him do it. ~

  ~ I thought it would be really funny when I landed in that gigantic bag of flour dad left open on the floor, but it went over about as well as a shark attack in a kindergarten. Did you know that if you jump in flour with wet feet, you stick to your perch after it dries? ~

  ~ Mom threw away the butter today cuz she found a dead fly in it. It's sad when Butterflies die. ~

  ~ Whenever I get in trouble around mom, I suddenly become dad's bird. It's like, I chew up the TV remote and she's like, "Just look what your bird just did!" ~

  ~ I went to the mall to watch bears and someone told me bears don't hang out in malls. But I stuck around anyway cuz that's the thing about bears - they attack where and when you least expect it. ~

  ~ Mom woke me up this morning being especially nice to me. She lifted my cover and said "It's a special day today Pickles!" and I said, "Yeah, yeah. Everyday is special when you're a parrot". "Happy Birday Pickle Boy!!!” she said. "Yayyyy!!!!" I said, "Where's my Birday Pancake??" and in 2 seconds flat, there was my very own big pancake with a candle in the middle! I got to eat all the pancake I wanted for breakfast. I was so full, I could barely roll over to my new birthday toys and treats. So many shiny new things. It's just too much for a little birdy to take. I can't believe I just finished another 365 day trip around the sun - it went so fast. That's 9 trips I've had now since I was born. Mom's getting right into the spirit of the day. She told me I would make a good poster boy - for birth control. I said "Gee, thanks mom! Wait ... what?" Oh well, I'm not going to let her ruin my day cuz it's not often you have a birthday. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays, live the longest. And, you are only young once but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~

  ~ I fell off my perch today. I was trying to do Jazz Hands. ~

  ~ Mom caught me looking at porn on the internet. I didn't understand what I was looking at - what's the big deal?? Give me a break eh, I don't control what pops up on the internet. ~

  ~ If you're a worm, I bet you had no idea just how far your little body could stretch until that Robin tried pulling you out of the ground. ~

  ~ People may scoff at our Canadian Army & our Canadian money but at least our army can take that funny money and buy Canadian bacon and beer. ~

  ~ Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I go to that imaginary place in my head and visit my imaginary friends and
play imaginary games. I wonder where my imaginary friends go when they're having a bad day. ~

  ~ Mom says sprouts are 'live' food and she wants me to eat more cuz they're good for me. Sorry, I don't eat live food unless it screams when I bite it, or at least whimpers. ~

  ~ Mom always feels sorry for bums walking down the street but it's no wonder they're bums - their shopping carts are full of junk that they wasted their money on. ~

  ~ There's some places mom&dad don't like to go fishing or camping because they say the mosquitoes are terrible. Apparently our yard only has nice ones. ~

  ~ I didn't burn a flag or anything, but is it illegal to poke holes in it with your beak? It's just a hypothetical question, in case I need to bury the hypothetical evidence. ~

  ~ Last night I stayed up all night to see if the crack of dawn really cracked. But I couldn't hear it cuz I forgot to turn off the stereo. ~

  ~ Mom saw some kittens today and said they were so cute and that there were 2 males and 3 females. I wondered how she could tell and she said you just turn them over and look. I guess it's printed on the bottom. ~

  ~ Mom must have put a curse on me cuz I was swearing today. Why would she do that? Cuz I get in trouble for cursing. Damn it. ~

  ~ I'm not supposed to bite, and I'm not supposed to drink alcohol but if you ignore the rules during a party, you can hit 2 birds with one stone. ~

  ~ I heard that cockroaches are hard to kill, and you can even chop their heads off and they'll still run around all live and everything. I heard they could take over the world but what would take over the world - their heads or their bodies? Heads might roll. ~

  ~ When I flew into that window, mom said it was a miracle that I didn't break my neck. I think it's a miracle that air can get so hard. ~

  ~ Well, it's party/date night once again. I gotz a couple of lushes for parronts, I tell ya. I only drink juice but whoever takes just plain juice around here, soon gets drowned out of the conversation. I think mom will be doing the Tequila Dance tonight - one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. I keep telling mom that stuff will slowly kill her but she says "So what? I ain't in no hurry." She thinks time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. START THE MUSIC!! WOO HOO!! ~