Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

  ~ Mom took the cover off my cage this morning and I was still sleeping in my tent. "It's morning already?" I asked. "Time flies" she answered. "I don't care if time flies into a window and breaks its neck", I snapped "I asked if it's morning already". Ask a simple question. ~

  ~ The best medicine in the world is laughter. Pharmacists should bottle it up and sell it. But God help us if they put crying in the bottle by mistake. Laughter should be strictly regulated. ~

  ~ Today I was teetering on my perch but a totter saved me. ~

  ~ I was thinking about becoming a bum. I like food kitchens. Any kind of kitchens, with counters and cupboards. And I like park benches, to chew on. Plus, I hear they hand out free mittens, toques and scarves - I like to chew on those too. But most of all, I like that they don't take showers very often. I'd make a very good bum. ~

  ~ If kids ever ask you how the Easter Bunny can lay chocolate eggs, I think a good answer would be "Those aren't chocolate eggs, my little friend." ~

  ~ I was bopping away to 'Brown Sugar' on the radio and mom came in and asked what I was doing. I told her I was listening to Brown Sugar and she said, "You can't hear brown sugar, you taste it". I didn't know you could eat a song! I'm gonna get me a belly full of music! ~

  ~ Mom bought me a real live pet giraffe for a playstand. When I turned my back on him for just a moment, he left the room. Now he's lost somewhere in the house. ~

  ~ I scoff at people all the time but when I do, I hide it with a cough. I'll be like scoff, cough, scoff, cough - so people think I've got a cold and they feel sorry for me, which makes me scoff at them even more. Which makes me laugh. I throw back my head and laugh and laugh a big belly laugh. I laugh so hard, I cough. Which makes me feel stupid so I hide it by scoffing. It's a vicious circle. ~

  ~ The worst words in the world, when you get a new toy, are "Some assembly required". That's torture to us birds. ~

  ~ Sometimes my brain hurts when I get a violent brainstorm. My gray matter gets whipped around and bangs into my skull. The lightning hurts my eyes and the thunder almost shakes me off my perch. But in the end, it's usually worth it. ~

  ~ Mom's are right when they tell you, you shouldn't chew on a tube of crazy glue. ~

  ~ I was fighting and screaming at my hanging toy and mom came running in to see if I was being killed or something. I like scaring her. Shock & Awe baby, Shock & Awe. ~

  ~ Sometimes I get really embarrassed when I do stupid things but I look around and nobody even noticed. So I call attention to myself and do it again so my embarrassment isn't wasted. ~

  ~ You shouldn't expect your turtle to come back if you put him in a stream. ~

  ~ I like thunder & lightening. I was curious and asked mom why it happens and she said "Cuz God is mad". I wondered why God would be angry and she said "Probably cuz of something you did". I was very upset about that. "Why would he be mad at ME??" I said as I bit mom hard for saying that. ~

  ~ I'm gonna get a tatoo over my entire body. Maybe a tatoo of a toaster. Then I can sit on the kitchen counter all day long. ~

  ~ I can just imagine the guy who invented the wooden wheel. Standing on the corner, trying to sell one. "Hey man, wanna buy a wheel?" - "Wanna buy a what? - "A wheel" - "What's a wheel?" - "It's the new mode of transportation, man" - "How does it work?" - "You float it, like a raft" - "Why?" - "For transportation." - "Then why wouldn't I just use a raft?" - "Okay, wanna buy a raft?" - "How much?" - "2 clubs and a rock." - "Ain't got no rocks." - "Okay then, we'll set up financing." - "What's financing?" - "Don't worry about it, just sign this wall and it's yours". ~

  ~ You shouldn't sneeze when someone is trimming your wings. Neither should your dad. ~

  ~ Mom reads my body language to well. She can tell by my stance, what my feathers are doing and by my eyes what I'm up to. Today I'm stumping her by crossing my eyes all day. It's confusing her but I'm getting a headache. ~

  ~ I think that when mom goes to all the trouble of cooking supper, dad and I should eat it cuz it's the polite thing to do. Puking isn't. ~

  ~ I’m gonna highlight some of my feathers. Cuz I think some of my feathers are more important than the others. ~

  ~ If you're sitting on a perch and you fall off and you climb back on and you fall off again, I think you should sit in a chair instead of a bucking perch. ~

  ~ I'm gonna start my own parrot cult. We won't practice love and peace but it won't be a violent cult either - it will be all about fun, games and eating but if anyone tries to escape, we will have to kill them. I wouldn't call that violent. ~

  ~ If you saw two people, named Rover and Craig, which one would you think liked dogs best? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I was wrong. ~

  ~ Mom has all these moisturizers and invisible creams and I thought it would be cool to rub some of her invisible cream on my body cuz I'd really like to be invisible and get away with stuff. I rubbed the cream all over my body and it didn't make me invisible but it DID make me look like a white ghost. A visible white ghost. I can't get away with stuff cuz I can be seen but being scary is even better. OoooOOOOoooooo ~

  ~ When the wild bird feeder is empty, I don't know why the birds don't come and knock on the door and tell mom. And while they're at it, they could ask for some stale bread or Cheerios. I mean c'mon, don't be so lazy. ~

  ~ Mom has a friend that's getting married and thought it would be cute if I was in the wedding. Yeah! I could raise my wings and go "Roar! Growl! Roar!" and be all scary and everything. Yes, I think I would make a really good Ring Bear. ~

  ~ Mom seems to be losing it - she thinks things are toasters. Just this morning, I reached for her brush and she yelled "Touch that and you're toast, buddy!" ~

  ~ When mommy accused me of stealing food and knickknacks, I got very defensive. Especially when I realized she knows where I live. ~

  ~ I don't think God put me on this planet for any other reason than to spy and report back to him. Cuz contrary to popular belief - he doesn't see all, hear all. I think he used to but everything he saw and heard made him blind and deaf. So, I have to learn to put all my reports into brail. ~

  ~ I love to sit in my aviary outside and stare up at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I contemplate the beauty of it all and I am at peace. I am in wonder of it all, especially when flying birds blow up for no apparent reason. ~

  ~ I like walking and I like talking so I think mom should buy me a walkie talkie. ~

  ~ Daddy usually makes the oatmeal porridge but today mommy made it. It was like glue! I put my head in the bowl and my beak got stuck. Now I'm wearing this bowl for a muzzle. I wonder if this was mom's plan all along. ~

  ~ I'm the only one in this house who doesn't have nipples. ~

  ~ I tried a new sport today - BOWLING! Mom washed the dishes while I was on the counter and I managed to grab a big bowl and smash it on the ground. I'm good - damn good. I'm gonna join a league. ~

  ~ I think i'm gonna get a job as a Picture Frame Model. I'd be good cuz I have great peripheral vision so my eyes can follow you everywhere, including behind me. ~

  ~ Whether I look out on an ocean, lake or my own back yard trout pond, I'm in awe that there's a whole other world beneath the surface. A secret world. The world that is my oyster. Then I eat my oyster and the secret world is no more. ~

  ~ If you're traveling in a time machine and going into the future, don't take something good, like a banana, cuz it will be rotten by the time you get there. ~

  ~ Mom pulled the hair out of the hairbrush, threw it on top of the full garbage under the sink and washed the brush. Later, mom took me for a walk on her hand and half way through I had to poop so she held me over the sink. I missed the drain (usually I get a bullseye) so mom wiped it up with a kleenex and when she opened the cabinet door to throw it in the garbage, she screamed! I didn't know what she was screaming about but I wasn't about to hang around to find out so I beat it out of there, fast as my wings would carry me! Then I heard her laughing and she came to find me but when I saw that de
ad animal in her hand, I ran for the hills again. I don't know what kind of things live in her hair but maybe if she washed it more often she wouldn't find ugly rodents nesting in there. ~

  ~ Because of our high, dry altitude, we don't have fleas so mom doesn't have to worry about the little buggers invading the dog or our home. It's too bad cuz I'd love to go to a flea circus and watch them shoot out of cannons and see all the acrobats. Do you think flea children get in trouble for jumping on their beds? ~

  ~ I love football and I love yelling "Touch down!" I miss watching football but I noticed Neeka Dog is the same size and color of the old pigskin. I would like to kick him through the uprights and spike him to the ground. I think that would be fun for him and really get him into football. ~

  ~ Mom thinks I'm goofy because when I meet new people, I laugh at them a lot. But I don't understand what new people are saying to me, so I laugh to be polite in case they're trying to be funny. ~

  ~ I think soldiers should learn to tap dance. That way, when that trumpet guy plays Taps, everyone will tap dance to it and it won't seem so sad. ~

  ~ Mom and dad are thinking of moving so if you have any boxes, I'd like to chew them up. ~

  ~ I stole mommy's scissors today, and I ran with them. Nothing bad happened. That's an old wives tale. Tomorrow, I'm going to put something smaller than an elbow in my ear while jumping on the bed. ~

  ~ All I want is someone to listen to me. Listen to me talk and especially listen to the wonderful sounds I can make. And I want them to listen close. Real close. So I can break their eardrums. ~

  ~ I think mom might be able to fly if she wanted. She should go up to the roof and practice from there. If she finds herself falling, just before she hits the ground she could jump up a couple of feet. That way, she wouldn't have as far to fall. And if that doesn't work, oh well. ~

  ~ I hate it when my mind wanders. I'm always afraid it will get lost and the SPCA will pick it up and when I go to claim it, they'll make me buy it a license. And there's nowhere to hang it on a mind cuz it doesn't have a neck so I'd probably just staple it. ~

  ~ I could have asked dad for his candy but I decided - if I’m gonna ask for anything, I'd steal it first and then ask for forgiveness. ~

  ~ I think a bed of thorns would make you thorny. I'm just going by mom&dad - cuz apparently, they have a bed of horns. Did I just say that out loud? ~

  ~ When you think you have me eating out of your hand, you should count your fingers. ~

  ~ I read that the average human body is comprised of approximately 61% water. When I told mom, she didn't believe it and we had an argument. Arguing with her is a game that you're just not going to win so I resorted to name calling and called her a big ugly bag of mostly water. Then I turned and ran. ~

  ~ I think that if you're out camping and you drop your keys into the outhouse hole, you should just leave them. ~

  ~ Mommy went to a baby shower and said I couldn't go. That's okay cuz I don't like water or rain - so I certainly wouldn't like baby rain. ~

  ~ When you test a 9-volt battery with your little whiffle ball, the little holes all melt together. ~

  ~ True Story. When mom&dad used to have the flyfishing shop, some people would come in and say, "Got any worms?" and mom would answer "I used to, but the doctor gave me a prescription and they went away." And she wonders where I got MY attitude. ~

  ~ HA HA HA - mom's so old, she was able to explain to me what it means when they say, "Don't touch that dial!" When she was young, she had to actually get off her ass to turn a dial on the TV to change the channels AND when she dialed a number on the phone, she used an actual rotary dial. I think her pet cat was a SaberTooth too. Man, she's old. ~

  ~ Life's ups and downs can't get you if you walk sideways. ~

  ~ Us Greys all look alike eh? If mom got another one, he could perch beside me and I'd blow his mind by copying everything he did so he'd think I was a mirror. That would be so funny. Plus, if mom had another Grey, I could use him for parts. ~

  ~ My parronts consist of a simple man and a simple woman. Does that make me a simpleton? Oh well, ignorance is a blister. ~

  ~ Mom told me she was really sick with the flu and I laughed and laughed. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her I just happened to think of something really funny and I told her about it. She didn't laugh at all. She just can't think of anyone but herself. ~

  ~ People don't automatically get my respect. They have to do something to earn it. Like eat a rotten egg or act like a chicken. Something respectful like that. ~

  ~ I think it's a good idea to always carry around a toy or something in your beak so when people ask "Hey, can you help me with this?" you can say "No, sorry, my mouth's full." ~

  ~ To me, life is like a box of chocolates. Except there's no box, no map and no chocolate. Otherwise, they're exactly the same. Especially if you get squished to see what's inside. ~

  ~ Ohhhh, what a day .... a lazy day ... kinda boring ... kinda not ... Sorry, my mind is wandering. One day it wandered down the hall and into the bathroom and almost drowned in the toilet. ~

  ~ I've lost my mind again. If I lose my mind, I can't think so I can't figure out how to find it. It's out there, all on it's own until it finds it's way back and all I can do is go to sleep until it returns. When it comes back, I'm gonna glue it to the inside of my head. ~

  ~ I was being particularly bratty and mean so mom told me I should do some soul searching. What a wonderful idea - like a treasure hunt! I've been turning over rocks, looking for souls but all I've found so far is earwigs, worms and a dirty sock. ~

  ~ I think we should give all the land back to the Native Indians and then we should all go fly kites. I don't think we could do too much harm with that. ~

  ~ I went for a drive with mom yesterday and we got pulled over by the cops. He checked her license and then asked if she had any alcohol or drugs in the vehicle and I said, "Which would you prefer?" ~

  ~ Us African Greys mate for life. That's because we all look the same. What are the chances of meeting another CAG that looks better than the one we have? ~

  ~ You Americans are so lucky. Here in Canada, we have such long cold winters. You're lucky to have us for an attic. ~

  ~ I can't tell time. All time is the same for me, all I know is daylight and nighttime. Mom had a friend drop by and the guy said to me "If you're so smart, can you tell me what time it is". I said "Not now, I don't have time, ask me tomorrow". ~

  ~ I collect pretty rocks. I keep my collection of rocks on dirt roads and fields. Please don't disturb them. ~

  ~ I'm going to get a Seeing Eye Skunk. A Seeing Eye Dog would be okay but people would really get out of the way for a Seeing Eye Skunk. ~

  ~ The funniest thing about this post is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it’s too late for you to stop reading it. ~

  ~ Mom gave me a bowl of ice-cubes to play with and I tried to revive them all by placing them, one-by-one on the heater vents. When I looked later, they were all gone. I was hoping they'd come back to thank me but I guess they just went on with their lives. ~

  ~ Mom's friend came to visit and she brought a baby. I was sharing my toys and giving the baby shiny beads to play with and mom got mad and said I shouldn't give little beads to a baby. I told her, that's okay - I got lots. ~

  ~ Martians think they're so smart, and so much more advanced than us. If that were so, they'd have come up with plastic surgery by now and stopped being so ugly. Who's the smart race now, little green men? ~

  ~ If you're playing dead on the couch, make sure you wear tickle armor. Otherwise, you can't be really good at it. ~

  ~ I think the thing that bothers me most about the color red, is that whole red thing going on. ~

  ~ If you're ever swimming around in a creek and suddenly a current takes you under and when you come back up you find yourself in a beaver house and all disoriented and stuff? You probably caught beaver fever. Don't sweat it though - unless it's actually a sweathouse. ~
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  ~ Mommy bought daddy a new pillow and in the middle of the night, daddy started mumbling something about there being a duckbill in his pillow. Mommy thought he was talking in his sleep so she just laughed and went back to sleep. The next day, mom told dad he was talking in his sleep and dad asked what he had said. She told him he thought there was a duck beak in his pillow and dad shouted "Oh yeah! There IS!!" and mom laughed again. Dad said "I'm serious" and he went and got it and mom felt around and there WAS something in the pillow, and it DID feel like a duckbill! So, she took it back to the store to get a new one and the clerk was so curious, she opened it up to find out what it was. There were feathers everywhere on the counter and she dug it out and there, inside the pillow, was the sewing machine arm/sewer thingy. What a couple of quacks. ~

  ~ Mom says if you count the seconds between thunder and lightening, you can tell how close the lightening hits. I guess if you don't get a chance to count, you're already hit and probably dead so this information doesn't really help you. ~

  ~ Mom won't buy me a birdie friend - I was hoping we'd get a bird for me to talk to and play with. So today I planted some of my birdseed - but I'm just not sure what kind of bird will grow. ~

  ~ Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say - is that juice? Can I have it? Then, if it's grape juice, it's half empty and if it's tomato juice, it's half full. Don't give me none of that tomato crap. ~

  ~ Birds don't have a direction in life; they just go with the flow. I'm glad because what if I went the wrong direction? Are there signs? And I’d always be wondering, what if I’d gone the other direction? I might have found a Jello tree. ~

  ~ You should never run around your sick dog with bare feet. ~

  ~ Aren't you glad that farts are invisible? Cuz otherwise, it could cause chaos in a shopping mall. People would see them coming and there would be a stampede to get away from one fart, only to turn and run into another one. ~