Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

  ~ People should throw away calendars cuz time doesn't matter. Someone would say - hey, what day is it today? And you'd be like - I dunno, I don't have a calendar but I’m pretty sure it's my birthday, what did you get me? But then, if it were me, I’d make out like every day was my birthday to get presents and I’d be dead within a year cuz I’d be, like 285 or something. ~

  ~ I asked mommy what PMS is and she said it's Parrot Murder/Suicide. Don't know why dad gets so worried and tippy toes around at that time - it's ME she's after! ~

  ~ I have a little plastic hammer that I’ve just considered a toy all this time but then it hit me - why this is no toy, it's a weapon! As I was plotting ways to use it, I realized I have the whole tool set - saw, pliers, nuts&bolts! I'm going to build my very own computer desk. And then I’m going to chew it to splinters. Because I can. ~

  ~ I'm worried about my worries and it's very worrisome. I wonder if my worries are worried about me. They must be cuz they're my worries. I worry sometimes - sometimes a worry a lot. I'm very worried about that. ~

  ~ Flying's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, it'll take you places but there's nothing else to do when you're up in the air. Sometimes, when I fly, I get so bored I feel like taking a nap. Now, air is one thing - gravity's another. Air sucks you into napping and then gravity sucks you down to the ground. Gravity is rude. ~

  ~ Tee hee. Dad's gonna take fiddle lessons. You know what THAT means, right? Yup, mom's gonna have to put up with all dad's sour notes when he practices and then, when he's finished practicing, I get to copy dad's bad notes ALL DAY LONG! It'll be worth it for mommy though cuz in the end, daddy & I will be awesome. ~

  ~ Mom said she hates earwigs. You'd think she'd wanna wear a wig to cover those ugly, flappy ears. ~

  ~ I pooped on the kitchen counter today and mom said, "Jeez Pickles - what were, you born in a barn? I told her that from the looks of our house, yes. Moo ~

  ~ Earth should be called Ocean cuz there's more ocean than earth. And I don't know how fish can hold their breath so long. ~

  ~ I feel sorry for the little leaves on the trees. They die and try to float up to heaven but the ground always gets them. They should fall when they're still alive and all gang up and kill the ground. Something big like the ground shouldn't be mean to little leaves and they should pick on someone their own size. ~

  ~ I think the world's gone mad. Welcome to MY world, world! Please close the door behind you and pull up a piece of rubber. ~

  ~ We have 2 bat houses hanging outside & I think I’m gonna move into one of them. I like hanging upside down and I kinda like the taste of blood and ever since mom took early retardment and she's home all the freakin' time, she's driving me BATTY! I don't have radar though so I won't be able to set up speed traps for bugs. ~

  ~ There was something in my butt, I thought it was a nut

  I gave it a peek, grabbed with my beak

  Which gave me one hell of a cut ~

  ~ What if I was blind? And I couldn't see the ghosts & monsters? I'd be like, calling out every couple of minutes "Are there any ghosts or monsters in the room? Answer me if you're here!" I can only hope that they would be honest ghosts & monsters. ~

  ~ Now I’m waiting for summer. Sometimes we go camping but not usually in a tent cuz mom&dad worry that they can't protect me from a bear in a tent. Plus, tents are lousy for arguments cuz it's just not the same when you storm out and slam the flap. ~

  ~ I got a hold of mom's notepad with all her important information on it. It was so much fun - ripping pages off, chewing them up, sharing with the dog. It was great, until mom caught me. "PICKLES!! I'm gonna wring your little neck!!!" she shouted. "Sorry" I said with a smile. ~

  ~ Mom and I were playing on the bed and she had to leave the room for a minute. She said, "If I leave you alone for a few seconds, will you please not put holes in anything?" I nodded my head. When she came back she said "Pickles! Just look at this hole in the pillow!" So I did. It was a lovely hole indeed. It's so nice when people notice your work. ~

  ~ I was sitting on my perch & I noticed a nut in my bowl that I hadn't noticed before. I climbed down and picked it up and started to eat it but then I dropped it and had to go all the way to the bottom of my cage and struggle with it in my mouth to get it back up to my perch. I finally made it back up and ate my nut. I didn't say it was an interesting story. ~

  ~ Sometimes I can't distinguish the difference between dreams & reality. They're no help when I ask them & dreams are particularly good liars. Sometimes reality's pretty good though if you stick a feather quill up your nose cuz it will say "Ouch, why'd ya do THAT?" and then I know I’m awake & in reality. But if you do that to dreams, they just run away scared & leave you in painful reality & it's like, did I just wake myself up or was I already awake? So, pain is not a good determination. For me anyway. ~

  ~ If you punished somebody by tarring and feathering them, I think it would really piss you off if they ran around, having fun, pretending they were a chicken. ~

  ~ When your bird is vibrating, he's not cold. He's just trying to figure out which way to go. ~

  ~ If you were to fly to the moon, I bet you could pick up some pretty cool junk floating around along the way. You might even find those Russian dogs that were lost in space in the 1960's. I bet they'd be really happy to see all the new kinds of toys people have come up with for dogs since then. ~

  ~ Don't worry, be happy. Then worry won't have a job anymore and it will get a taste of it's own medicine. ~

  ~ Sometimes silence is nice. Sometimes, if you listen close, you can hear it. And sometimes, if you listen real close, you can hear it say "It's too quiet in here, could you play some music please?" Cuz everyone likes change. And music. ~

  ~ Mom asked me why I can be so complicated. I told her - for the usual reasons. ~

  ~ The color of people shouldn't matter. But I think I would laugh at a chartreuse person. ~

  ~ I woke up this morning and didn't know who I was. When I asked myself who I was, I said - I dunno. I asked myself if I had amnesia, I answered - what's amnesia? I thought - why am I talking to myself, I don't know anything. Mom walked in and said - Good morning Pickles. Then I got scared cuz I didn't remember who I was but I DID remember mom likes eating pickles. But in the end, I looked at my body and saw wings and it came back to me - I’m an ANGEL! Phew! I was worried there for a minute. ~

  ~ I don't like dusk. I mean, I don't like the word. It makes me think of dust & musk for some reason. I don't want a dusty, musky time of day. For now on, I will call dusk ... twark. A combination of twilight & dark - a little past twilight but not quite dark yet. I must contact Webster's with my suggestion. ~

  ~ Mom & dad went out and left me all alone until twark. The walked in with a silver box & I was real excited cuz I thought they bought me a time machine - after all the talk about them lately. Turns out, you put ingredients in there to make dough & bread. They turned it on & I was waiting to see what it made - coins or bills - & I was dreaming about all the stuff they could buy me, and how rich we'd be, when suddenly they pulled out a loaf of rye bread! My dreams are toast. ~

  ~ What if you climbed a mountain to see what was on the other side and when you got to the top, there was somebody from the other side who climbed the mountain to see what was on this side? But maybe, what was on the other side was a gigantic mirror and it was myself I was seeing. That would be a big rip. ~

  ~ Why do things get smaller when they get further away? Is it magic? How come I don't get smaller when they're further away? Perhaps this magic can't touch me. Parrots must be immune to small magic. ~

  ~ I heard mommy talking about someone who's a backstabber. If this backstabber ever tried to stab me in the back, I’d turn around real quick at the last moment so he'd miss my back and get me in the front. That would teach him a lesson. ~

  ~ I wonder if time poops as it flies. ~

  ~ I started walking with a limp. I'm hoping mom will give me one of the candy canes that are hanging o
n the tree. I'd be like, one step - one bite, one step - one bite ... ~

  ~ I think everyone thinks I’m weird. But I think everybody is weird, deep down. They just need to tap into their brain to find the weird. You know, like a Maple tree. It will seep out slowly but after awhile, they'll get a full jug. Just don't waste it on pancakes. ~

  ~ My mom&dad owned a fly fishing shop for 10 years and I used to go to work with them and harass the customers & tell them what flies to use to catch fish. Mom&dad switched to fly fishing about 20 years ago. I think the worms were happy about that. ~

  ~ If God uses simple people to do great things, how come I haven't invented a Sesame Snap dispenser? I know I'm not a people but I think birds apply here too. ~

  ~ You people should choose your words carefully. Humans keep too many words in them, which makes them too heavy to fly. ~

  ~ What if I laid an egg? And it turned out to be a lizard baby? I'd be shocked but I’d love him like my own baby. I'd be like, step up little lizard and he'd be like, whoa - a talking bird! ~

  ~ Dad went to work and mom was still in bed. I was bored so I made the sound of the creaky door and the closing click. Mom called out "Why did you come back?" No answer, so she got up and nobody there but me. "Good morning!" I said. Mom gave me the evil eye but she made coffee and stayed up. The squeaky bird gets the grease. ~

  ~ I'm your average weird African Grey. Sometimes I imagine I hear things and it scares me. Sometimes I imagine I see things and it scares me. Sometimes I have a bunch of imaginary friends but they won't play with me, they'll only play with each other. So then I have to imagine they all fall down a well. ~

  ~ It seems there is a mouse in the house. I think he's looking for food and warmth so I almost said, c'mere lil' mousy, eat some of my seeds and sleep in my tent. Then I thought, well that's stupid. Cuz he won't understand me. ~

  ~ I was in a bad mood all day yesterday and nothing mom did could change my mind. She took me outside to the aviary and I whined until she took me home. S he set me and my little travel cage on the kitchen table and then I wouldn't step-up to come out. She left me there but kept coming back to see if I changed my mind but I was pretending I was in jail so I could sue mom for false imprisonment. I don't know why inmates complain about the food in jail - mine was exceptional. ~

  ~ Sometimes I look out the window at a tree and think, what if the tree came alive and started eating all the little trees and shrubs but then ate some poison ivy and got all itchy so he rubbed mud all over but there were worms in it and they were crawling all over his body, making him more itchy. So I’d go out there and brush off the worms and give him hydrocortisone and he'd be like, hey thanks man, I needed that. ~

  ~ I told mom I could eat a whole package of pudding. She said, "That would make you sick" and I said "YOU make me sick!" Then she said, "Nice talk buddy, you just talked yourself out of pudding for a year". I should have never learned to talk. ~

  ~ I've got all kinds of nice branch perches (including Arbutus), I’ve got rope and sand perches - you name it. Don't know why mom bothers. I prefer perching on the thin rims of my food dishes. However, I like sitting on the backs of chairs - mom should attach one to my cage or playstand. Maybe a nice recliner ... or rocker. ~

  ~ Mom says sometimes the most loving answer, and the answer that shows you care the most is 'No'. I'll remember that the next time she asks me for a kiss. ~

  ~ Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. ~

  ~ I court my daddy's hand - I talk to it, kiss it, offer regurgitated food, dance for it - and for all my wooing, it rejects me. I guess I’m not good enough for it. Maybe I’m from the wrong side of the tracks. ~

  ~ I told mom I wanted a waltz. She said, "You mean you want a walnut?" I said, "If I wanted a walnut, I'd have asked for a walnut". She said, "So, you wanna dance then?" I said, "Sure, if it will earn me a waltz". ~

  ~ There's a darn moth in the house. Stupid, clumsy big thing that keeps flying into me. I scream and flap at it but it's too stupid to leave me alone, and too big to eat. ~

  ~ I am thankful that sometimes a feather will fall off me and give me something to scratch myself with. ~

  ~ I haven't seen my friend, the vacuum cleaner, for a long time. We compete to see who's loudest. ~

  ~ Last night daddy left to go to the store and I started screaming. Don't know why, it's not like me. But I was mad cuz he just got home from work and then he was gone again without even saying hi in the first place. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a German Shephard or if there's a fruitfly in my water. ~

  ~ Pickles TheParrot I'm in the mood for raspberries this morning. Doesn't matter what anybody says to me, I give them the raspberry. If they don't like it, they can kiss my little red twinker. ~

  ~ This morning I was hanging on cage door yelling "Want out!" so mama opened the door but I just hung on the bars so she shut the door again. "Want out!" I said so mama opened the door again but still I hung and again she shut the door. Over and over we did this. I just wanted a good ride. ~

  ~ I don't like rules. When you follow the rules, you miss all the fun. I only have one rule, and that's 'Ignore All Rules'. I think it's in the Bible or the Constitution or the Phone Book or something. ~

  ~ Some reds I like, some reds are scary. I especially don't like it when people wear red lumberman jackets, especially when they're not really lumbermen. Seems anyone can be a lumberman these days. If you're going to wear one of those jackets, I wanna see some log rolling. Never wear anything that panics the bird! ~

  ~ Mom was laying on the couch most of the day cuz she's coming down with something. I'm usually quiet and leave her alone when she's not well but today I wanted attention, and I especially wanted to be on the couch with her. I kept flying over there and she had to keep getting up to put me back on my playstand. The last time I flew over there, mom picked up the pink feather duster and just as I was about to land on the back of the couch, she held it up in front of me so I did a quick about-face and flew back to my stand. Scared of a bunch of feathers. I feel so silly. ~

  ~ You should always try your hardest at everything. Unless you don't think it will help. Don't waste your trying unless there's a 100 percent chance of succeeding. Just a bit of sage advice. ~

  ~ I'm afraid of a nail file. Okay, sounds stupid right? I don't know why I am. Maybe cuz it's rough and it could scrape me. Maybe cuz it's full of fingernail germs. Maybe it's the color. I dunno. Oh, did I mention this is a poison nail file? Maybe that’s the reason. ~

  ~ I was sitting in my cage, under covers, minding my own business and contemplating life when suddenly mommy appeared at the back of my cage and scared the hell out of me! After I finished bouncing off the cage walls from fright, she said she was sorry. Sorry??? She's SORRY??!! Well, let's just see how sorry she is after she cleans up all the crap she scared out of me. ~

  ~ I was sitting on my hanging wreath & mom walked up with an open box so I jumped in to hitch a ride. She took me to the base of my playstand where I jumped out & she turned the box upside down. It had a cut-out opening for me to go inside but that box, once upside down suddenly became very scary. Mom put some nuts inside and now I’m ascared for them but I can't save them - it's every man for himself! ~

  ~ I don't like it that there are so many unforeseen things waiting to surprise or scare me. I would rather BE one of those things. And I wouldn't feel bad about it - not one little bit. ~

  ~ Did you know that parrots are so smart that in no time flat, they can train people to give them treats by performing tricks? ~

  ~ I’ve heard said, "Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching." That speaks volumes to me. If that's the case, mom is the best teacher in the world! ~

  ~ I told mom that if she doesn't give me a potato today, I'm gonna run away and join the circus. Maybe a flea circus. A travelling flea circus. I may not be a good jumper but I can suck blood. Then, in the off-season, I'm gonna
let all the fleas stay at mom's house. And hide the Raid. ~

  ~ I was minding my own business, chewing the curtains and mom told me to stop it. "How many times do I have to tell you that?!" she asked. I told her "476. And you're only at 92 so you have a long way to go but don't hurry on my account." ~

  ~ There's a crow in the tree and I'm copying him - caw, CAW! There's a crow in the tree and he's copying ME - squawk, SQUAWK! Mom says we're both suffering an identity crisis. Don't know what you're talking about mom, but would you please pass me a nice juicy maggot? ~

  ~ Instead of paying attention when mom's are trying to teach us a trick or new words or something, why not just ignore her and go play with some toys. You won't learn anything, but you might not have learned anything anyway. That's my point. ~

  ~ Mom said I’m very wise for my years. She says I’m only 8 but I argued and said I was older than that. She said the only way to prove it to me is to cut me in half and count the rings. I said, “WHAAAT?” Then I would be zero years old! I think I’ll keep the 8. ~

  ~ It's okay to fail. And it's also okay to give up. Especially if you think you might fail. ~

  ~ Mom's teaching me how to count. She holds up the little bowl of pine nuts and as I eat each one, she counts 1-2-3-4-5 ... When she asks me before hand, how many would I like, I say 2 or 4. She asked my why I never say 1 or 3 and I said, "Cuz 1 & 3 are weird." She said, "You mean 1 & 3 are 'odd' numbers." I said "Same thing stupid." Besides, 2 & 4 make more snacks than 1 & 3. ~

  ~ I was cranky today and kept arguing with mom about everything. She said, "Arguing with a bird. I need to get my head examined." I told her, "Awesome! I'll go get a scalpel!" ~

  ~ Good bird. Bad bird. Good bird. Bad bird. Do you think I really care? If being a bad bird means I get to chew up your eyeglasses, which do you think I really care about? Besides, once I hand them back to you, you'll tell me 'Good bird'. So it all works out in the end. ~