Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

  ~ Jumping into a bowl of gooey wet dough is not as much fun as planning it. ~

  ~ Mom makes me toys, I keep taking them apart, mom keeps putting them back together. That's teamwork. And it's great enrichment for moms so they don't get bored and cranky and start plucking their eyebrows. ~

  ~ In certain situations, the smartest thing you can do is stand your ground. And the second smartest thing you can do is run. Run like a chicken with his head cut off, run into to things and bounce off the walls. That might get you out of certain situations. ~

  ~ Mom took me on a snack safari this morning. She hides my little bowl of pine nuts and challenges me to find them. I sit on her hand and tell her where to go by leaning in different directions. It was tough this morning but I finally found them in the fridge and yelled "THERE'S the snacks!" My reward is getting... to eat as many as I want. My belly's gonna burst! ~

  ~ Mom locked me in the linen closet! She put me in there to play and then couldn't get me to leave so she shut the door on me and went away figuring I’d scream to get out. A couple of minutes later, she opened the door and I was laying on my belly, half asleep. It's soft and warm and cozy and dark in there. Screw the cage, I want to sleep in the closet for now on. ~

  ~ A wise bird will sit on his perch and contemplate the universe. But a stupid bird will tangle himself in his ropes, hang upside down and go "uh oh". I am the latter. ~

  ~ I like to show off with my hanging upside down abilities. I can hang with 2 feet, 1 foot or even just a toe. The only time it fails is when the floor jumps up at me and it scares me into letting go. But the minute I do, the floor drops way down so I have further to fall. ~

  ~ When you get a new branch on your playstand, make sure there's room for a Flap & Flip all the way around it. Otherwise it's just called a Face Plant. ~

  ~ If you're suspended on a toy that's suspended by sisal rope? It's not a good idea to chew through the sisal. ~

  ~ When mommy leaves me on the kitchen counter and says "Be right back", then she should be right back. If she isn't, she shouldn't be surprised to find her yucky cookie in the soapy dishwater. ~

  ~ When birds go around and around in circles, people think they're crazy. When planets go round and round, they call it orbiting. So, don't think birds are crazy - they're just obituaries. ~

  ~ I was swinging in circles so fast on my boing that I almost churned myself into butter. Which is good, cuz mom only eats margarine so she wouldn't eat me on toast. ~

  ~ I walked around the house with mama today, pretending I was her purse. I didn't feel like sitting on top of her hand so I just fell over and hung upside down. She walked around swinging me at her side. Everything looks better bottoms up. ~

  ~ Ha Ha! I was on the kitchen counter helping mommy make a snack for me & when she took her eyes off me for a second, I dumped the sugar bowl in the butter & all over the counter. Then I ran like hell & she chased me all over the counter. That was stupid cuz my feet & flapping wings spread the sugar all over the floor. Gee my feet taste good! ~

  ~ If your mommy sets a gigantic wooden spoon on the counter, with the handle sticking out about 6 inches in the air. Don't assume it will hold your weight. And don't assume it won't clobber you on the way down. ~

  ~ Sometimes one of my downy feathers escapes my body and floats in the air. I get mad at it and think - fine, just go, get outta here! But it wants back on my body so I scream and flap my wings to make it go away but the turbulence brings it closer! Then suddenly I think it's gone but mommy's laughing at me cuz it's waving at her from the top of my head. ~

  ~ I like it when mom makes a fort out of a blanket for me and I pretend I’m defending it from evil marauders. Mom holds the blanket up with her hand inside so sometimes I pretend it's a big spider and I have to be brave and protect all my peons. Thing is, when I attack the spider the fort collapses on me. Then I have to pretend I’m trapped in a mine. That's not as much fun. ~

  ~ Mom told me to stop my squawking. She said the squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease. WTF?? If I wanted grease old woman, I'd suck on your hair! What are ya, outta shampoo? ~

  ~ Man oh man oh man. While I was sitting on the counter, mommy turned the loud stove fan on when I was least expecting it. I got so scared and confused, I lifted off and straight into the stove hood. I almost got sucked clear to Kingdom Come! ~

  ~ Do you ever go to someone's house and notice a wadded up Kleenex just sitting there on a table? And you wonder what's inside it? Like, it could be - Snot. Scab. Dead spider. Bird poop. Gum. Blood. Booger. Ear Wax. Toenail clippings. Dog puke. Pimple puss. Half chewed piece of fat. I mean, it's rarely anything good. ~

  ~ I poked at mommy's belly button! I don't know why she minded, she always gives me buttons to play with. Besides, I heard some gurgly, squeaky sounds coming from her tummy and thought there was a little animal trapped inside and that maybe the belly button was the way out. I was just trying to help. ~

  ~ I like to chew on mama's cook books - I like all the pretty pictures of yummy food. Mommy doesn't really mind cuz she says good cookbooks should look battered and used. But really, she just wants people to think she uses them all the time and she's a good cook. Which she isn't. All the cook books in the world ain't gonna make mama's cooking any better but I’ll continue to make her look good anyway. ~

  ~ Originally, spoons weren't invented for eating. Originally, they were called Beak Tappers and were made for mommy's to tap birdy beaks with. Centuries later, people discovered they were good for eating too. Another good use, is tossing them. Today, after some good beak tapping, I grabbed the Beak Tapper and tossed it into mommy's face. Turns out mama doesn't like her beak tapped. Guess it's a bird thing. ~

  ~ I had to help mommy with the laundry. Chores, chores, chores. There was a pile of dirty laundry on the table next to the chest freezer where I was supervising. When she had her back turned, I sorted it for her and punctured nice little decorative holes in some of the towels. My work here is done. ~

  ~ People will always condemn you for the things you've done but you never get credit for the things you don't do. Like eating a cruddy supper. ~

  ~ If I was a human being, I’d be able to get my own food out of the cupboards. And then I’d be able to close the door and play in there. Unless there was a spider. ~

  ~ I was hanging upside down on my perch and I thought whoa, what if the blood all rushed to my head and poked a hole through the top and started oozing out. And then when I stood up, the top of my head would be red like my tail. And then mom would walk in and say 'hey,cool'. ~

  ~ ahhhh ... I just spent the last few minutes with my beak in the bicycle rack. Dad makes a loose fist and I put my beak in-between 2 fingers. I bet you’re sitting there making a fist, looking at it and trying to imagine what I’m talkin' bout. ~

  ~ Don't waste your gurge by giving it to your dad. He won't eat it, and he won't give it back. ~

  ~ I flipped my lid! No really. I flipped it & lost my little bottle cap. I always play with it on the counter and I when I tossed it in the air, mom tried to bat it back at me and it disappeared into the pantry and under the water heater. Next time we're sticking her way out in right field cuz she's a lousy batter. I really liked that lid. ~

  ~ Daddy should save his beard & mustache for me whenever he shaves it off. I'm going to market them as preening items for birds. And then, we can stick food in them, just like daddy does. ~

  ~ I betcha I have acquired a thousand toys. And not one them is grateful. ~

  ~ Everybody in my house disappears somewhere when they hasta go potty. Neeka goes outside but I don't know where mom&dad go. Probably outside too. ~

  ~ I'm a victim of a hate crime! Mom sprayed me with the hose (by mistake,she says) when I was in the aviary and I HATED IT! Call the Po-lice! ~

  ~ Screaming at your toys all day does not make them behave any better. It just gives you a sore throat. ~

  ~ If you're being chased by your new musical ball and then you notice you're also being chas
ed by a spider, it doesn't really change anything - just keep going!

  ~ I have to use my little plastic tool set to build a little boat cuz a little water is a sea to an ant. They are very industrious insects but I don't think they have the know how to build a boat. It will be a rowboat cuz they have lots of arms. Arrrr, Billies! ~

  ~ You know what would be awesome about living in Hell? You probably wouldn't get in trouble for chewing holes in towels. ~

  ~ I got into dad's box of toothpicks! What fun! I was going to make myself into a porcupine. Dad wouldn't be able to scritch me anymore but I could clean his teeth. I've also been eyeing his Cutips. ~

  ~ It's never too late to say you're sorry. Like when you rip your mom's finger nail off. It's just hard for her to hear it over screams of pain. ~

  ~ Listen birds. The proper way to play with a bell is to cup it upside down in your talon and snap the rim between your beak to make it ding. Everybirdy should know that by now. ~

  ~ Do you think 2 cavemen were standing around a fire and one asked the other to throw on more wood and the other one just looked back at him with a stupid look on his face - because they hadn't revolved enough to talk yet? And the first caveman is thinking, "Man that guy's stupid, look at that dumb look on his face, he doesn't even understand me. And the second caveman is thinking, "What a boob, that guy has no idea what he's talking about". All because they didn't learn to read and write when they was little. And then, when they finally learned to write, I bet they were always in trouble with their mommies for writing on the wall. ~

  ~ Mom told me to have a bath and I told her you're not supposed to go in the water for at least 2 hours after eating. She told me I should ignore old wives tails. I can't ignore what I've never seen so I keep looking for mom's tail. She's old and she's a wife but she must tuck it in real good. Probably so I don't bite it. ~

  ~ Mom buys these small white gloves and puts treats in all the fingers for me to dig for and discover. She thinks I like the foraging but I like to pretend they're real hands and chew the crap out of them. Mom says God help the person who ever comes to our house wearing gloves. ~

  ~ Mom says the truth is the quickest and easiest way out of trouble. But it didn't work when mom asked me why I dumped all my seeds on the floor and I told her - because I felt like it. The truth isn't what it's cracked up to be cuz now she won't give me any more seeds. ~

  ~ I was grooving with my little maraca and shaking it all over but I’m kinda spastic with my talons so I hit myself in the forehead. I got really mad at the maraca and started waving it wildly and hitting it against the perch and cage bars and then it hit me again! I threw it in my water dish and I hope it drowns. ~

  ~ Mom says beauty's only skin deep. That's good cuz I don't like wading past my ankles. ~

  ~ When somebody trips and falls or walks into a pole while looking the other way, my first instinct is to laugh. My second instinct is to poop. ~

  ~ I love my boing, boing, boing, boing. The wall hates it when I swing on it though, cuz it hits me when I go too crazy. I think it's just jealous. ~

  ~ I have stainless steel measuring cups for a toy but I can't seem to get my 1 cup measuring cup into my 1/2 cup measuring cup. One is smaller than half, it has less letters, so what the heck kinda trickery is going on here? ~

  ~ A few months ago, mom said there was a man who lived down the street who ripped off a lot of people and had to take his family and flee out of town. Ever since, I've wondered what happened to the flea. ~

  ~ I have a SS toy bucket that's attached next to a perch in my cage. Sometimes I go inside & play with my talon toys one at a time then toss them to the ground when they start to annoy me. Half way thru the bucket I came across this little pink thing mom had hidden. "What's THIS?!" I asked mom. She told me it was a little piggy and I thought, cool. I was waving it around and all of a sudden it caught on fire! I dropped it, screamed and ran out of my cage as fast as I could. Mom picked it up and it wasn't on fire after all. Was I hallucinating? Then she stuck it in front of my face and it blew up again! But just as fast, it was just a cute little piggy. Just when I thought I was losing it, mom showed me how you press a button and the piggy lights up. Way to blow my mind mom. ~

  ~ I wish there were 2 kinds of potatoes - plain potatoes and talking potatoes. Then, when mom asked me if I wanted a potato, I'd say "What kind?" and she's say "Plain" and I'd say "No thanks, I like good conversation when I dine". ~

  ~ Arguments with toys are rarely productive. ~

  ~ Mom left a pencil where I could get it so I snatched it up and started chewing on it. A tug-o-war ensued cuz I wasn't about to give it up. She won though and she asked my why I have to chew on things I'm not supposed to have. I said, "You still don't get me, do you?" ~

  ~ It's a good thing we don't always get what we wish for. Cuz I didn't realize wolverines weren't baby wolves. ~

  ~ I woke up screaming and realized I hadn't fallen asleep yet. Mom was standing in front of me with a new toy - an evil toy. So I crawled inside my tent and pretended to be sleeping because you can't wake someone who's pretending to sleep. After awhile, I peeked outside and mom was gone so I crawled out of my tent and there I was, face to face with the evil toy! I ran from my cage but now it's holding my other toys hostage and I think I need a hostage negotiator. ~

  ~ It's hard to display anger and maintain your dignity when you throw plastic balls against the wall and they come back and hit you in the head. ~

  ~ A toy has infiltrated my cage! Showed up out of nowhere and was just hanging there trying to look like it belonged. I beat on it, pulled on it, hung upside down on it trying to loosen it's grip from the bars, screamed at it but it wouldn't leave. So I had to make it my prisoner. I'm interrogating it now, trying to find out the coordinates of the rest of it's troops. I may have to resort to water torture. ~

  ~I called my dog, Neeka, over & asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. He just looked at me, being the chump he is, so I climbed down from the cage and walked out of the room saying, "Let's go. Let's go for a walk." But when I turned around he was still sitting there. I came back and said, "Doncha wanna go for a walk?" but he didn't answer. Then I remembered. He doesn't understand going for a walk cuz before he came to live with us, mom always said that to me and she didn't want him to learn it otherwise every time she would ask me to go for a walk around the house, he would get excited and think he was going outside. So, I think we should come up with a term for Neeka to understand going for a walk. I suggested, "Let's go shove a stick up your nose! C'mon boy! Let's go!" But I haven't noticed mom using that yet. ~

  ~ How come my dog Neeka and I have to use our tongues for toilet paper? That's just plain wrong. ~

  ~ Don't stop to think about words you're going to say. They never think about you. ~

  ~ Okay yeah, so sometimes I lie. Like when I ask for some coffee. I don't really want coffee, I just wanna hear the tinkling of the spoon when mom stirs it. Or I'll call Neeka Dog for a cookie just to see the little bugger run, but I don't have a cookie for him. I don't think mom should expect honesty from me. Would it make her happy if I told her her breath stinks when she kisses me, or that 'everything' she wears makes her look fat? I don't think so. I'm not falling for that. ~

  ~ If you have weaknesses, you should turn them into strengths. Steroids might help. ~

  ~ If banshees would stop screaming so much, maybe people would stop and listen to them. They should use their inside voice. ~

  ~ Mom says nothing hurts more than guilt, so I bit her on the ear. Just to be sure. I dunno, maybe she's right. I can't tell for sure. ~

  ~ Whenever I see my little dog choking on something, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if he was choking on me? Then it doesn't seem so funny. ~

  ~ I wanted some Sesame Snaps and I kept bugging mom to give me some. She said we were out of them so I told her to go to the store. She kept giving me excuses why she couldn't go and we argued all day but she still didn't go. She seems determined to crus
h my widdo soul but I keep demanding Snaps. She better go if she wants any peace and harmonicas today. ~

  ~ If my feathers ever caught on fire, I'd be a Parrot Pye of Fire. Cool name eh? It might be worth it. ~

  ~ No matter how much I love my messy, poopy cage paper and no matter how hard I work on the beautiful abstract art design, mom will throw it away without a second thought. Just ONCE, I wish she would display it on the fridge. ~

  ~ Neeka Dog has stuffed toys. I never see them eat anything so I don't know how they get so stuffed but whenever I come across one, I try to get them to regurgitate to keep them from pooping all over the place. ~

  ~ If you were forced to eat dog food, it wouldn't be so bad. Not unless the dog had leprosy or something. ~

  ~ Being in a good mood or a bad mood all depends on how well you moo like a cow. I mood good today so I'm in a good mood. ~

  ~ I like barking like a dog, whining like a dog, playing with squeaky toys like a dog, eating mom's homemade dog cookies and sometimes, I even like being petted like a dog. But what I don't like about being a dog is eating vomit. I gotta draw the line somewhere. ~

  ~ I told my mom I would like some underwear and she asked where I would wear them. I told her I would wear them over my tail and belly and she said - but, they're UNDERwear silly, they go underneath. There's no way I can put them under my feathers, unless I ate them. Which is what I really wanted them for anyway. ~

  ~ What about, instead of mousetraps, we have dog traps? Not to hurt them or anything, but just to hold them down long enough to chew up their toys. ~

  ~ I didn't feel like talking today and mom told me, as an African Grey, it's my duty to speak. Tee hee. She said 'duty'. ~

  ~ I tell mom or dad to 'tell me a story' and when they do, they put their lips up to my ears and talk. I go into a daze from the vibrations and warmth of their breath. I like the vibrations on my beak too so sometimes I tell them 'talk to the beak'. My little dog Neeka is like that too, he likes his ear talked to. Not by me though. ~