The Complex

by Courtney McPhail

When they got the lodge, they found the others outside, everyone chatting excitedly. Janet and the kids hugged Travis, the twins wanting to know how he came back from the dead. Travis was good about fielding their questions but Janet soon ushered them off, telling them to go get water for their guests.

  “I still can’t believe he’s here,” Janet said with a laugh when Malcolm walked up beside her.

  “Me either,” he replied. “I should go get Kim and Lorraine so they can come see for themselves.”

  “Veronica and Elaine are already on it,” Janet said. “After Veronica and Jackson got here, she volunteered to go relieve them and Elaine went with her.”

  He glanced over at Jackson, who was standing with the girls, his face grim. Veronica was obviously avoiding everyone and with good reason. It was probably for the best for now. He might have calmed things down but it would take time for everyone to forget what had happened.

  At least they had the distraction of their new arrivals. Travis was back from the dead and had brought new people with him.

  “We need to do something to celebrate tonight,” Malcolm said to Janet. “Can we change up the dinner menu? Do something a bit different?”

  Janet nodded. “I could bake a cake.”

  “Good,” Malcolm said. “You don’t mind, do you?”

  “Not at all,” Janet replied. “It’ll keep me busy. I should go start now.”

  Janet headed to the lodge, picking up Ruthie on the way, passing by Kim and Lorraine as they joined the group. Both of them hugged Travis, Kim giving him a kiss on the cheek. As she stepped back, her eyes scanned the group, stopping when she met his and she winked at him.

  A more insecure man would be jealous, but not him. He waited as she was introduced to the Reyes family and then made her way to his side.

  “Hell of a day, huh?” she said.

  He scoffed. “It's like I’ve been on a roller coaster all day. Pretty sure I’ve got whiplash at this point.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, staring up at him with her pretty brown eyes and her full lips tilting up at the corners. “I think if you take the whole day into consideration, it will still come out as a good day.”

  “You do?” Malcolm said, linking his arms around her waist and pulling her flusher against him as she nodded.

  “I do. No matter what else happened, Travis coming back from the dead puts us on the good side.”

  He knew she was right. It was a good day. Seeing Travis on that boat, whole and healthy, had restored him. It was a sign that there was still good out there. This wouldn’t restore the group completely but it gave them a win and they could build goodwill off of it.

  Subject #750

  Administrator: This commences the first session with subject number seven,-five,-zero. Sorry about that, Veronica, it’s just for record keeping purposes. Now, these sessions are not intended to be confrontational or some sort of cross examination. I am simply looking to document your experiences during the events post-outbreak. However, I do hope that through these sessions you will begin to trust me enough to share how those experiences affected you emotionally.

  Subject: You sure you’ve got enough batteries for that recorder? Because I’ve got a hell of a lot of emotional damage after what I’ve gone through.

  The crescent moon made a pretty picture hanging over the water. Clouds had rolled in after sunset to cover up most of the stars but the moon was strong enough to break through. Veronica wished she had that kind of strength instead of hiding out up here on the perch.

  And that’s what she had been doing since Travis’ arrival: hiding. It had taken her a few moments to recognize the man who had climbed off the boat. He looked different with his beard but she knew that face. Seeing him had twisted her stomach up in knots.

  She should have been happy to have Travis back from the dead but all she could think about was that she had left him. She had abandoned him to save her own skin. She had told his family and friends that he was dead and on her word they had left him.

  She’d been wrong and that had left him alone.

  God, could she ever make the right choices?

  After what happened today with Harold and Angela, she felt like she didn’t know what she was doing anymore. It wasn’t only the guilt that had sent her fleeing from the dock to the watch perch. She needed the quiet to try and sort out what was going on in her head. It felt like she had been from one crisis to another with no time to stop and collect herself.

  And so she had spent the hours out here trying to figure it all out. Problem was she still had no idea what the hell was going on inside her head. Half of the day was a total blur. As they had searched the island for Audrey, her panic and fear had fed off each other, stoking a fiery rage inside her.

  The moment they had gotten into the lab and she had seen the room in the back was crystal clear though. The sight of the cot with the restraints and medical equipment around it had frozen her blood. Her imagination had run away from her, picturing Audrey tied to the cot, terrified at what was happening. The thought had snapped something inside her. No amount of reasoning would have stopped her then.

  And that was what had scared her the most. Nothing short of the sight of Audrey safe and sound had been able to stop her. Her breakdown afterwards was cathartic but almost as terrifying. It had hurt to admit that she didn’t trust herself anymore. She had been stupid to believe that the things that had happened hadn’t changed her.

  It wasn’t just what she had done to Harold. Seeing Travis again, she realized that she had changed long before today. She had let panic and fear get the better of her after the car crash. She had been scared of the men who had been coming for them and she hadn’t taken the time to check Travis properly. She should have taken the time. She had been shaken up from the crash. She should have checked for a pulse and breathing better. He had been alive and she had left him.

  And that was why she was up here in the perch instead of back at the lodge with the others. She couldn’t take the censure she knew she would see on Travis’ face. And Jenny.

  God, she had screwed up there too. That poor woman had been through too much. Maybe if Travis had been with her, it would have been easier for her to cope with Alan’s death. Hell, if Travis had been there, maybe Alan wouldn’t have died at all.

  So, really, it was shame that kept her up in the trees. Even wanting to be with Audrey, to reassure herself that she was still safe, wasn’t enough to get her to go back to the lodge.

  It was probably better for the girl that she stayed away. What sort of example was she setting for her? She’d held Harold hostage, her thirst for vengeance uncontrollable. That wasn’t the kind of example to set for Audrey or any of the kids here. It was up to the adults to guide their moral compasses and teach them right from wrong.

  And wasn’t she doing a shitty job of it. It was funny. Jackson was the one always worried he was a bad influence on the girls. Turns out it was the teacher, not the ex-con, that was doing damage.

  She heard footsteps on the path and swung around to spy the beam of the flashlight bobbing through the trees. She knew it was someone coming out to relieve her but she wasn’t sure she was ready.

  She didn’t want to go back there. She could always go hide in her cabin but she knew the longer she was absent, the more people would take notice. Then they’d come looking for her and she’d have no choice in the matter.

  Well, turned out hiding wasn’t a choice either. Travis was beside Banks as he led the way to the perch.

  “Ready for your relief?” Banks called out.

  She had no excuses now. She would have to face the man she had abandoned to the enemy.

  She swung down from the perch, carefully picking her way down the ladder and delaying the inevitable. She paused before she turned to face them, steeling herself for the reproach she would see in Travis’ eyes.

  Except there was no reproach in his bright eyes. Instead there was happiness there, a grin spreading from ear to ear. He cros
sed the space and pulled her into a hug.

  “Veronica, I’m so glad to see you again.”

  She froze as he hugged her, surprised and humbled by his warm greeting. She had expected anger, condemnation, even hatred, but not this.

  He released her and took a step back, that big smile never wavering.

  “I’ve been dying to see you. No pun intended.” She stared at him in silence, no idea what to say. “Sorry, bad joke. I’d been hoping to see you at the lodge.”

  “We’ve all got our jobs here,” she told him. “It was my turn for watch.”

  “And it wouldn’t have anything to do with avoiding me because I came back from the dead?” She stiffened, bracing herself for what was to come. “I don’t blame you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Well, she hadn’t been prepared for that. “You should. I left you behind.”

  “Malcolm said you thought I had died in the crash. I don’t blame you for leaving my body behind.”

  She shook her head. “I should have made sure. I couldn’t find a pulse or feel you breathing but I should have looked closer, taken my time checking you.”

  “And if you had realized I was alive, you wouldn’t have left me behind. You would have tried to get me out of there and those men who ran us off the road would have gotten you. Malcolm told me about them, the things they would have done to you…you did the right thing to run.”

  “I’m so sorry I left you alone with them.”

  “They didn’t do anything bad to me. Asked me a couple of questions and then left me there. I got off easy. It worked out anyway. I’m back here with you guys and I was able to bring Javier and his boys to safety. So you won’t be getting any blame from me about how things went down and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

  “Yeah well, you might forgive me but I’m not about to forgive myself,” she said. “Just add it to the end of the long list of mistakes I’ve made.”

  “You’re way too hard on yourself,” Banks interjected and clapped her on the shoulder. “What happened today, don’t sweat it so much. We’ve all had our crazy moments. Hell, it’s the apocalypse, I figure that buys us one freakout a month, at least. And as far as freakouts go, yours was like a four, maybe a five on the scale. Nobody died, right? Things will look better in the morning, you’ll see.”

  “I don’t have much other choice do I?” Veronica replied and handed over her rifle so Banks could climb up to the perch.

  “Do I want to know what that was about?” Travis asked as he watched Banks disappear up into the perch.

  “It’s a long story and I don’t come out looking so hot,” she told him. “I’d rather keep it for now, let you keep thinking your nice thoughts about me.”

  “You’re going to have to lead the way back to the lodge,” Travis said. “I’m still not quite sure where everything is here.”

  “No problem,” she said, taking the flashlight and heading back towards the lodge.

  “How did you make it back to the group?” he asked after a few silent moments.

  She thought back to that day that felt like a lifetime ago. Her flight from the car had faded into flashes of trees and bush and the memory of all-encompassing fear. The night in the shed was something she didn’t like to think about, much less talk about. It was the closest she had come to giving up.

  “I made it out of the woods and into a subdivision. I spent the night there,” she told him, glossing over it. “The next day I headed back into town to find a vehicle. That’s when I came across Jackson, Audrey and Hannah. They took pity on me and decided to help me out. We found the group by chance really. We headed into the park, got a radio from one of the ranger stations and ended up reaching Malcolm on it.”

  “I’m glad you weren’t alone out there,” he said. “I wondered about you, whether you found the others.”

  “I was lucky,” she said. “I don’t know what would have happened if Jackson and the girls hadn’t found me.”

  “And the Reyes family found me. It worked out for both of us.”

  The lights of the lodge came into view and she could see the shadows of the others moving behind the curtains. She found her steps slowing, not sure she was ready to face the others.

  “Well, here we are,” she said.

  “You aren’t going to come in?”

  She shook her head. “Today was a long one. I’m just going to go back to my cabin.”

  “The Reyes want to meet you though,” he said. “I told them all about you.”

  Maybe it was better to go inside now. She would have to face everyone eventually. It was a small island and she couldn’t hide forever. At least the attention would be focused on the new arrivals and she could slip in unnoticed.

  “Okay,” she said and followed him towards the lodge. He kept glancing her way as they crossed the lawn. “What?”

  “Why don’t you want to go in there? This have something to do with that long story that you don’t look good in?”

  “Yeah.” She figured he’d hear about it anyway so she might as well be the one who told him. “I lost it today. I thought Harold had hurt Audrey and I ended up pulling a gun on him.”

  “That’s some heavy shit,” Travis said.

  “I screwed up in a major way,” she sighed as they reached the stairs and she looked up at the lodge doors, “And I don’t know if there is a way to come back from it.”

  Travis reached out to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Banks was right. You are too hard on yourself.”

  She shook her head, turning away from Travis to stare out at the middle distance. She didn’t want to see the forgiveness in his eyes. It should make her happy but all it did was remind her that she wasn’t a good person.

  It was the reason she couldn’t understand his forgiveness and why she couldn’t see a way Harold could forgive her. If she was in their place, there would be no forgiveness. And didn’t that just made her the world’s worst person.

  She had always believed she was a good person. She was kind to people and did her best to make the world better. At least she had before. The end of the world had shown that to be nothing more than a facade. This new world exposed them for who they really were deep down and all she was seeing was darkness.

  “Hey,” Travis said, moving to meet her eyes and laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I mean it. You might have made a mistake but everybody does that. It doesn’t erase all the good you’ve done.”

  She let out a nasty laugh. “I don’t think I’ve done any good.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “You don’t know the things I’ve done.” He took a breath, ready to argue but she cut him off. “I killed a man.”

  Travis was surprised by that and she took the opportunity to plow forward. “At the park. I beat his face in with the butt of a rifle. Kept going even after he was dead. I might have kept going if Jackson hadn’t stopped me.”

  She had seen his eyes go wide as she spoke but then understanding had sparked in them.

  “The man you killed, was he part of the group that ran us off the road?”

  She nodded.

  “Then you did the right thing.” She shook her head, not wanting to hear him but he put his hand on her chin, forcing her to look at him. “We both know what those men were capable of. The world is a better place with them gone.”

  “You don’t understand...”

  “I do. You aren’t the only one who has killed a man.”

  She looked at him, surprised.

  “It happened on the way here. Javier and I had left Raquel and the boys at our camp so we could look for food. When we came back we found three men holding them at gunpoint. They were waiting on us. They knew there were more of us and didn’t want us tracking them.”

  He raked a shaky hand through his hair. “They started shooting as soon as we showed up. By some blessing they had bad aim and we were able to take cover. Javier picked off one of them and Raquel got the gun from him and took
out the other. The third one gave up, tried to run off but I had a clear shot so I took it. I didn’t have to, he was leaving, but I did. God knows what those men would have done to Raquel and the boys if we hadn’t stopped them. I couldn’t let that happen to anyone else.”

  He looked back at her, taking a breath and giving her a half smile. “So see, I get it. It’s hard but you have to believe you made the right choice.”

  “I just don’t know if I did,” she told him, tears filling her eyes. “It changed something in me, something I don’t know I can get back.”

  Travis pulled her against his chest, wrapping her in a tight hug and she let the tears begin to fall. It hurt to think that her actions had tainted that part of her that was still good. The part of her that valued human life and didn’t think that violence was the answer.

  So she let Travis comfort her, stroke her hair softly as he murmured soothingly in her ear.

  She didn’t hear the lodge door opening but the loud clearing of a throat caught her attention. Jackson stood on the deck, staring down at them.

  She did her best to wipe her tears away as Travis let her go. “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Nothin’,” Jackson said, looking between the two of them. “Hannah was wonderin’ where ya were so told her I’d go lookin’ for ya.”

  Veronica nodded, sniffing a bit as she fought back her tears. The girls didn’t need to see her crying. Today had been traumatic enough and she needed to stand strong for them. She climbed the stairs with Travis and as she passed by Jackson, she noticed a strange expression on his face. He put a hand out before she went into the lodge.

  “Ya okay?” he asked, looking at Travis’ back as he entered the lodge. “What’d he say to ya?”

  “Nothing bad,” she said, realizing Jackson’s expression had been concern over her tears. “He forgives me for leaving him behind.”

  “He should. Ya did what ya had to do. Ain’t no shame in that.”

  She bit her lip, not willing to meet her eyes. “But I am ashamed. Not just for Travis but everything else. I don’t know if I can face them in there.”