The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "Now," she whispered, "show me how the gentlemen of the Empire pleasure their ladies!"

  Some time later, she said: "I am ready long since. Why dost delay?"

  Eudoric slumped. "I'm sorry, Madame Riguntha. I'm fordone. I seem unable to rise to the occasion."

  "Forsooth?" She raised herself. "I see what thou meanst. How doth the princess suffer an impotent man?"

  "I am not wontedly thus. This has never befallen me before."

  "Well, we must essay some more, to raise thy spirit."

  Later he said: "Alas, 'tis of no avail. Something has stolen my manhood."

  "That lioness whom thou hast wedded, belike. Well, go thy way. I thought to enjoy a gentleman for once; but I see I must make do with unwashed yokels."

  Eudoric stole back to his pallet. As he started to straighten out beside Yolanda, he became aware, by the faint light from the hearth, that her eyes were open.

  "Well?" she said. "How went it with my Huano of Tarraconia?"

  "Let me explain," he said. "I had to ask her— "Forget the tale of cock and bull. I know what befell."

  "You do? Then in the name of the Divine Pair, explain it!"

  "I blame you not, Eudoric." Yolanda smiled. I saw her slip a potion into your beer and guessed what portended. So I cast a little spell of mine own, lest you consummate the lust she'd imposed upon you."

  "I hope your spell be not permanent!"

  "Nay, 'twill wear off in a day or two. For a woman in my position at court, it is a handy device for nobbling lubricious noblemen. Now go to sleep; this time you'll have no difficulty."

  -

  XVI – The Gilded Guardhouse

  "How far," asked Eudoric, "is Letitia now?"

  Yolanda replied: "Less than a league. If we turn right at the next crossroad, my palace lies but a bowshot thence. We shall tarry there long enough to make ourselves clean and presentable ere going to the court."

  "Oh, no, we shan't!" said Eudoric. "I'll fetch you before the King and his minister, render this Armorian treaty, and secure my franchise ere some unforeseen mishap prevent."

  "Eudoric! Be not like a country boor! You must come before my brother as a proper gentleman, not an enseamed, mud-spattered ragamuffin! To appear as you now are might aggravate the anger he may feel upon discovering that he have an unheralded brother-in-law."

  "I'm sorry, my dear, but my mind is made up. Business before pleasure! I'll warrant your royal brother have seen many a mud-spattered knight ..."

  They began another dispute. Since Eudoric would not be moved, Yolanda finally subsided into sulky silence. She spurred on ahead, and Forthred moved up beside Eudoric, saying in Locanian:

  "Master! Sir Eudoric!"

  "Aye?"

  "Once ye be settled in the lady's palace, I'll ask release from my service."

  "By the God and Goddess, why? Haven't I paid you well and treated you kindly?"

  " 'Tis not that, sir." Forthred fumbled for words. "But I'm fain to return to mine own home, where my betrothed awaits me."

  "Oh? Then you seek not the highest ranks of the magical fellowship, by remaining celibate?"

  "Nay, sir. A few good spells are fine, but I'd liefer lead a normal life than spend a century learning how to raise a tempest. Besides, Doctor Baldonius' scholarship doth intrigue me more than his sorceries. And that's not all."

  "What else?" asked Eudoric.

  "I fear me that, an I see much more of you and your lady, I shall lose all wish to wed, albeit I've plighted my troth. The sight of you twain, one instant civil and gracious and the next bawling like Tyrrhenian fishwives, would strike the stoutest lover with terror. I should find such wedlock too vexatious to bear."

  Eudoric sighed. "I understand. But, I promise, I'll not pass my days here as the royal sister's plaything. I have mine own affairs to tend. And remember that my princess have never learned to bridle the whims and endure the vexations of the moment, as all we lesser mortals must. Were she a child, one would term her spoiled rotten.

  "So pray remain with me for the nonce; at least until we know what's toward."

  -

  Minister Brulard received Eudoric and Yolanda in his cabinet and dispatched a guard to the tennis court to inform the King. While waiting, Yolanda told the minister of her detention by the Armorians and of their impending human sacrifice. She had just reached the point where Eudoric appeared on the rock above her, when King Clothar strode in trailing a scuttle of flunkeys. Eudoric genuflected. When he saw his sister hale, albeit travel-soiled, the King clapped Eudoric on the back.

  "Well done, Sir What's-your-name!" he bellowed. "Meseems we've promised you something for fetching home our willful sister. What was't?"

  "A franchise, Your Majesty," said Eudoric promptly, "giving me and me alone the right to run a stagecoach line across Franconia."

  "Ah, yea. Brulard, have the authorization drawn up forthwith."

  "I have anticipated Your Majesty's wish," said the minister, pulling a large sheet of parchment out of his desk drawer. "Here you are, Sir Eudoric."

  "I thank you," said Eudoric. He cleared his throat. "There's another matter, which I was compelled to undertake unauthorized, to allay the Armorians' suspicions."

  "What is that?" asked Brulard.

  "To avoid incarceration like His Majesty's sister's, I pretended to have been sent to contract an agreement betwixt the two kings concerning imports of wine and perry. Here is the draft, in duplicate, both copies signed by King Gwennon's minister Corentin and bearing Gwennon's seal. I trust that, since this treaty was the original purpose of the princess's journey, I did no wrong in pursuing the project. If Your Majesty and Master Brulard approve it, you can execute it and return a copy to Ysness."

  King and minister glanced over the sheets. The King, toying with the waxed point of his reddish-blond goatee, said: "It appears in good order, though we shall have to study it. Ha, Sir Dorian, we see that you be a useful wight to have about a court. Would that you were amongst our kinsmen. We must needs find posts for them all, notwithstanding that some be unequal to the tasks—"

  "He is your kin, forsooth," interrupted Yolanda.

  The King frowned. "How mean you, sister?"

  "He is your brother now."

  "But we have no br—What?" roared the King. "Meanst that you and this fellow ..."

  "Certes, I mean it," said Yolanda. "We were wed both by the True Church and by the heathen rites of Armoria."

  "But—but members of our family may not marry without our express permission!"

  Eudoric cleared his throat again. "Your Majesty's pardon, but we had no choice in the matter. The Armorians threatened to hold us in a dungeon all our lives unless we agreed to this union."

  "And wherefore should they do such a moonstricken thing?"

  Eudoric shrugged. "I thought it a silly idea myself; that jester-minister is to my mind more than a trifle mad. But they seemed to think that your sister were less of a formidable foe had she a husband to keep her witcheries in check."

  "Hm, hm," mumbled the King. "If you do keep her in check, you will be the only wight on earth who can. Brulard and I must discuss this matter. You have our leave, Sir Eudox."

  Eudoric bowed himself out, saying to Yolanda: "Now, my dear, I shall be happy to enjoy the luxe of your abode—and a change of clothes."

  -

  Yolanda's palace was a spacious two-story mansion in ornate Franconian style. A porte-cochere extended from the front door across the driveway.

  "We stop here, Eudoric," Yolanda said, and whistled sharply.

  Two shadowy, gargoylish figures, beside the front door, came to life and approached. Eudoric realized that they were not human at all. They were man-sized and more or less man-shaped, but they wore no clothes. Their heads had bestial muzzles and a pair of short homs. Their three-fingered hands grasped spears, which they leaned against the door frame before coming forward on feet that ended in three huge toes, capped by nails that were almost hooves. Each being had a ratlike t
ail, which waved behind its knees.

  The horses snorted and rolled their eyes at the unaccustomed sight and smell. Eudoric and Yolanda managed to control their mounts; but Forthred, leading the spare animals, was less successful. His horse reared and threw him. Before the beast could bolt, one of the nonhuman doormen darted forward and seized the bridles. The other took the reins of Eudoric's and Yolanda's horses. Yolanda dismounted, saying:

  "Hutt humma lil-bayt al-khayl; khud ish-shunatna juwwa!" She turned to Eudoric as the doormen led off the animals. "Ask me not to give lessons in Saracenic; mine own is barbarous. But it suffices to command the marids."

  "So that's what these creatures are! Have you no human servants?"

  "Aye; grooms, cooks, and maids. For heavy work— gardening, furniture moving, and such—I find the marids superior. They are stronger than men and, when constrained by the proper spell, docile and obedient. Best of all, so long as I feed them, I need not pay them wages."

  "Does your spell compel then to swink forever?"

  "Nay; the magic weakens after a few years. Then they'll vanish back to their own plane, and I shall have to recruit another crew. Let us go in. First I must show you the house, for I know that you pant to see it."

  Eudoric was not at all eager to be shown the house. His main desires were for a hot bath, a strong drink, a good meal, and a long sleep. But Yolanda had her own ideas.

  "And this," she said, "is the library. Most of the volumes are mine own acquisition; neither my sire nor his sire were much for reading. Feasting, jousting, and venery—in both senses of the term—were more to their taste. My royal brother, I fear, takes after them. Some of the books were brought hither by my scholarly husband, Count Sugerius.

  "That suit of armor yonder was worn by my great-uncle, the Duke of Albi, at the battle of Novambio. You can see the dents. And those swords on yonder wall have belonged to generations of martial forebears; for ensample, that two-handed monster with the prongs ...

  "... and this is the dining room. The table once belonged to King Merovic the First, my great-great— anyway, I forget how many 'greats'—grandfather. And those candlesticks were taken as booty in the Third Carinthian War-—"

  "Your pardon, Yolanda," said Eudoric, "but when do we break our fast?"

  "Oh, belike two hours hence. The kitchen staff knew not that we were coming and so had let the fires go out. If you had taken my advice to stop here ere going on to the court ... Now the portrait on yonder wall is that of Lord Clodomir, an illegitimate son of King Merovic. A mighty warrior; there were those who said he'd have made a better king than the legitimate scion ...

  "... and here is the master bedroom. The mirror over the dressing table is Saracenic; one of my great-uncles brought it back from a pilgrimage to Philistia—"

  Eudoric blinked and shook his head to fight off sleep. "This will be my first night in a decent bed since leaving Ysness. For a copper sesterce I'd pull off my boots and fall asleep with my clothes on."

  "We cannot so do now," said Yolanda implacably. "Notice the bedspread, made by a peasant family in Drufort. Because their ancestress succored King Charivald when he was wounded in the battle of Segni, he conferred on her and her descendants in the female line the sole right forever to make spreads for the royal family. And now we must tour the kitchens and laundry."

  She led him forth. On the way down the hall, Eudoric paused at a door, whose wooden surface was blank except for a knob. "What's in there?" he asked.

  "That, my dear husband, is where I keep my magical paraphernalia."

  Eudoric gave the knob a pull, but the door remained immovable. "Locked, eh? I can see why you might; but this door has no keyhole."

  "Think you I'd entrust my direst secrets to an ordinary lock and key, which any burglar could pick in three ticks of the clock? Nay; that door has a magical lock, which only I can open. Come along, dear; I have not shown you the half ..."

  "Tarry a while, Yolanda! I am fain to see this room of wizardly apparatus. Work your little spell and show me in."

  "Nay; I let none, not even the marids, enter here."

  "But after all, I am your husband—"

  "Harken, Shorty! When I, Princess Yolanda, say that none shall go thither, I mean none! Now come along and blow no further bluster."

  Eudoric's lips tightened. He was about to make an angry retort when she continued: "Nay, dear one, take no offense. 'Tis for your own safety. Some presences in there might harm you ere I could bring them under governance."

  Eudoric's anger subsided, but he shot a skeptical glance at the door. Then, with a small sigh, he followed her, wondering from what sorcerous source she obtained her boundless energy.

  -

  Yawning, Eudoric came awake after nine hours of his heaviest sleep in years. As he turned over, he realized that Yolanda was no longer beside him. He raised his head, to see her seated at the dresser in her nightrobe and doing things to her long, caledonian-brown hair.

  "Dearest!" he called. "Come back to bed!"

  She turned with a frown. "Whatever for?"

  "You shall soon see!"

  "Oh. You mean that you lust."

  "Aye. Last night I was too wayworn; but today—"

  "There's no time for that now, " she said shortly.

  "No time? Why? What's toward?"

  "As soon as I've broken fast, I must to town."

  "Why?" said Eudoric. "I should think you'd rejoice in a day's idleness."

  "You understand not. A message has reached me, revealing that Clothar and Brulard are furious at our marriage. They planned to wed me to a half-witted son of the King of Carinthia. So I go to forestall any dire plans they might hatch anent you. I would not lose my fourth husband ere I'd had time to break him in!"

  "Oh? Well then, I'll go with you to confront them. I'll explain—"

  "Be not a noodlepate, Eudoric! In three breaths you'd be hauled off to Riculf's Tower, whilst the headsman gat orders to sharpen his ax. Nay, stay you quietly here. I can handle those good-for-naughts."

  "Humph," grunted Eudoric. "Then I'll ask one of your stablemen to saddle up some likely nag and explore your estate, with a groom to guide me."

  "Nay; you must stay within doors, lest you fall into ambush."

  Eudoric's irritation burst out: "Curse it, woman, it's time we sorted out our duties to each other! If you'll not come hither when I ask, I'll—"

  "Attempt force? You'd not only find me your match, but also in three heartbeats you would be borne off by a dozen marids to my personal dungeon, there to languish whilst I concocted a spell to clip your claws. Let us have no more of this nonsense! In this place, my word is law, and think not but that I can enforce it!"

  Yolanda rang a little bell on her dresser. Her tiring woman came in and helped her to dress. While Eudoric, seething and still in bed, gloomily contemplated the day ahead, she said to her servant:

  "Eufronia, tell Leo to have the carriage ready within the hour." To Eudoric she said: "Remain abed or break fast, as you list. You must needs move sprackly, if you'd join me at table." She swept out.

  -

  When Eudoric, newly shaven and freshly clothed, arrived at the breakfast table, Yolanda had departed. He ate in solitary silence. He would have liked to question the marid servants, but he knew no Saracenic and they, apparently, spoke none of his several languages.

  Afterwards he wandered restlessly about the palace. As he passed the door of the magic room, he cast a sharp eye upon it. Seeing that no servants, human or otherwise, were about, he grasped the knob and gave a mighty pull, without result.

  He drifted into the library, where he spent an hour reading a history of Franconia. Then he asked that Forthred be sent for.

  "Are you comfortable?" he asked his squire.

  "Oh, aye, sir, if ye don't mind these horned, inhuman creatures peering at you. What's to be our fate?"

  "I know not," growled Eudoric. 'The princess thinks I'm in danger if I step outside the palace. How about a game of draughts?"r />
  Yolanda returned in the early afternoon, bringing her dressmaker, with whom she spent the next few hours closeted. When she emerged, she found Eudoric engrossed in his twelfth game with Forthred.

  "Eudoric!" she said sharply.

  "Aye?"

  "This morn you expressed—ah—certain wishes, which I lacked time to gratify. We have an hour ere dinner. If you're still fain, I can give you the time for it now. Horses must be fed and watered, and husbands must be—"