Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child

by P. J. Rhea

  Ralph laughed at me as I lay there crying until Grace came running out of the house. Then he picked me up, and told her we needed to get me to the doctor. The cut on my knee took four stitches. Ralph sold the bike, reasoning that I was too clumsy for it, and he refused to take a chance on me getting hurt again. Of course the money he got from selling the bike went to the liquor store. Now when I am struggling with the reality that I am Evie, I will run my finger over the thick scar that runs down my knee, and I know at least in my head that it is true.

  Dr. Anna was right. I needed time to let it all soak in. I needed to just not think about it all the time for a few days. I was determined to take a few days off and try my hardest not to even bring the subject up.

  Chapter Nine

  My parents were relieved to have a visit with me that had nothing to do with my life before coming to them. I couldn’t remember the last time Vanessa and I had gone shopping together and stopped at our favorite little tea room for their famous chicken salad croissants and raspberry tea. Gracie loved going there with us because they had old hats, gloves, and high heels the little girls could put on and have a real tea party with their moms. We both had to laugh when she came clopping out of the little treasure room in her heals with her bright pink boa draped across her shoulders, her long strand of green plastic pearls hanging from her neck, and the big floppy hat with a huge sunflower on the brim.

  The sweet older lady who helps the girls become little models had also put several large rings on her small finger, and she took a cotton swab and put Vaseline on the girls’ lips to make them shine. Gracie was in heaven, and her smile could light the world. When she sat at the table with her grandmother and me, the waitress brought her lemonade in a tea cup and matching saucer.

  “Look, Mommy, cups just like Ms. Carla used.”

  Her mention of Carla Wilson was the only reminder of what still had to be faced, but I just smiled at her and pushed the memories back down. I had also been trying to plan some outings with my husband and daughter. We needed the time together, and Jason was thrilled we were doing some family things that only included the three of us. No mystery child tagging along to steal my attention from them. I had to admit it felt good. I allowed myself to relax and focus on the present. I had not been giving Gracie the attention she needed, and my alone time with Jason had almost ceased to exist.

  Three weeks had past, and I knew my appointment with Dr. Anna was getting close, but I was not stressing about it at all. Then a few days before my appointment, I received a letter in the mail with a return address for Caddo, Oklahoma. I was frozen in my chair when Jason came home. I had checked the mail around one in the afternoon, and when he walked through the door at five, I was still sitting at the table staring at the letter. Gracie had spent the day with his parents, so she was with him when he came home. When Gracie ran up to me, I gave her a hug and was ready to send her quickly out of hearing range.

  “Gracie, you need to go upstairs and play for a few minutes. I will call you when dinner is ready.”

  Jason looked bewildered at the way I hurried Gracie from the room. He knew something wasn’t right.

  “Kat, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” I handed him the letter I’d been too afraid to open.

  “Do you want me to read it?” he asked. I nodded my head but couldn’t speak.

  Jason opened the envelope and pulled out the one page it contained then began to read.

  Dear Katherine:

  I saw your ad in the paper, and I think I may be your brother. My grandparents adopted me when I was only ten months old. They told me my mother and father had both died in a fire when we lived in Harmony, North Carolina. They explained to me that I had an older sister who had rescued me from the fire but that she had been adopted and they were not sure of her name anymore. We have made a few attempts to find you with no success. I am nineteen years old and attending college in Oklahoma City. I would like very much to correspond with you by letter or email if you have a computer. I am also including a phone number where you can talk to your grandmother if you would like to. Your grandfather has passed away, but he would have loved to know we heard from you. I will wait for a response. By the way, my sister’s name was Evelyn Moon.

  Stephen D. Stewart

  I was crying when Gracie walked in the kitchen.

  “Are you sad again, Mama?” she asked.

  “No baby, these are happy tears this time.”

  I was glad she was young enough not to pry about what exactly had made me happy enough to cry. She was just glad Mommy was happy and nothing else mattered. She smiled and hugged me, then skipped off to play. I wanted her to know she had an uncle, but I had to know more about Stephen before I would mention him to her. One thing that had come from all this was my devote intention to protect my child from all harm possible. This man could be a wonderful, kind man who would be a loving uncle… or he could be like his father and be a monster that would put on a false image until he got into our lives and then do Gracie great harm before I even suspected it. I truly believed that Grace had not known in the beginning how evil Ralph was or she would have never let him into our lives. By the time she realized the truth about what he was, the damage was done. I would wait until I found out more about my brother before suggesting that Gracie could meet him. I was watching her play in our backyard when Jason came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

  “How wonderful to be so happy and carefree,” I told him. “I pray daily nothing will ever happen to rob her of that innocence.” He swallowed hard and laid his chin on my shoulder to watch her as she played.

  Gracie noticed us watching her and ran in to ask me when we could eat.

  “I will have it ready in two shakes,” I told her.

  Jason kissed the top of my head and then turned me to face him without saying a word. I knew from the expression in his eyes he wanted me to feel his support and love, but he had no words. I just gave his hands a squeeze and he knew I understood. The first thing I wanted to do once the shock subsided was to go get my journal and tell Evie the good news.

  Dear Evie:

  I found Stephen and he is with Mama’s family. I can’t wait till I meet him. He told me he knows you saved him from the fire, and he knows your name. Stephen tried to find you, but because my name was different he had no luck. I think we can face that final memory soon. But first I think we need to talk to our long lost little brother. I plan on calling him tomorrow once I build up my courage a little. I may call our grandmother too.

  Katherine

  When I went back to Dr. Anna, she was thrilled about the letter from Stephen.

  “This is wonderful news, Katherine. That means one more loose end is about to be tied up.”

  I told her about the phone conversation with him and with my grandmother. It had been very awkward in the beginning, but we had managed to work through it and latter talked a second time. Stephen had sounded so nice.

  “I was afraid I would hear Ralph in his voice, but I didn’t. His voice was gentle and kind with no hint of the mean, hurtful tone I heard from Ralph in the dreams.”

  Dr. Anna smiled as she took notes. I couldn’t help myself, so I went on and on about my phone conversations and the things I had learned about my brother and grandmother. I explained that he’d told me about his childhood, which, unlike mine, had been perfect. He’d made wonderful grades in school, which landed him a scholarship for college. He had played basketball in high school because he was tall and thin. Ralph had seemed tall but not thin. Of course, my memory of him was as a small child and he was my personal monster, so it was hard to be sure how big he really was.

  I explained how my grandmother was very apologetic when we spoke. She had expressed her regret for not having taken me along with Stephen. I admitted to Dr. Anna that I was struggling with some resentment toward her. Even though I loved my adoptive parents dearly and am so grateful for them, I wondered how it might have been to grow up with my brother and know more abou
t my birth mother. Who knows, I might still be Evie if my grandparents had wanted me.

  “We were not ready to face you,” she’d said. “It was all such a shock to hear about Gracie being killed in a fire and in the same breath to be told they needed family to step up and care for her two children. We’d felt so guilty for having turned her away when she got pregnant with you. We were so disappointed that she had gone against the things she had been taught and, well, I guess we forgot that God also teaches forgiveness. When the social worker told us they suspected you might have been abused in some way and you would require a lot of help in healing from your ordeal both physically and emotionally, we were so afraid you would hate us. I think the lady that called could hear the reluctance in your grandfather’s voice. She told him they had a nice family who would be happy to take you in if we might consider taking the baby. I’m so ashamed to admit that we were relieved and agreed to that arrangement. I pray you will forgive us… forgive me.”

  I could tell she was crying as she made her confession. Should I feel angry at her for deserting me in my time of need or grateful that she gave me the opportunity to be adopted by such wonderful parents? My emotions were still in such a jumbled mess, I really wasn’t sure how to feel. I know my silence, as she confessed her regret and apologized over and over, gave my grandmother the idea that I would not forgive her; but the truth was I felt numb. I wasn’t ready to deal with it then, so I just put it away in one of those spaces in my brain to deal with later. That seemed to be a growing habit of mine in light of all I was dealing with. If something was too much to handle in the moment, I would just put it away for later.

  Guilt had haunted my grandmother for years. Not just because she didn’t adopt me, but because of the way she had treated Grace when she was sixteen and pregnant. She explained that my grandfather, Samuel Stewart, had been a preacher, and he’d been more concerned with what the members at his church would think of him than what was best for his child.

  “It was a small church and the members were close like family. We were so embarrassed by what Grace had done, and we weren’t supportive. The boy… your father, Frank Moon, was considered a little wild, and, well, her daddy lost his temper and said some cruel things. He was sorry for what he’d said, but before he could make it right, Grace and Frank ran off and we couldn’t find them. It broke our hearts, and we tried and tried to figure out where you might have gone. One day Frank’s parents called to tell us he had been killed in an accident. They only knew he left a little girl behind but there was no return address on the envelope, so there was no way to be sure where Grace and the child were. Where you were,” she corrected. “We tried to find both of you. We wanted to tell her we were sorry and we loved her. We hoped she might come home and bring our granddaughter with her. The next time we heard anything was the call to tell us she was gone. Her daddy never forgave himself, and we felt responsible for her dying. If only we had been more understanding, she might still be with us today.”

  It was plain to see that my grandmother still held regret in her heart. She could barely speak for crying, and I heard the constant sound of apology in her voice.

  “We both wished later that we had taken you in with Stephen but it was too late, and we just had to pray that you were happy. I’m so sorry for that Evie. We should have come for you.”

  “My name is Katherine,” I corrected her with a sudden harshness in my voice, “and it’s okay. I was adopted by some wonderful people, and my life has been happy.”

  I instantly felt bad for my defensive response. I tried to change the tone of my voice and keep the conversation going. I told them both about Jason and little Gracie. I had to admit I had mixed feelings about my grandmother, but in time I wanted to forgive her. Evelyn Stewart was sweet, and I knew she would change everything if she could go back in time. Grace had named Evie after her mother, which proved she missed her mom and wanted to go back someday to repair the relationship with her parents. If Frank Moon had lived and Ralph Dark had never entered her life, I believe Grace would have mended things, and I would have been loved and accepted by the Stewarts. They just needed a little time. But we never know when time will run out. It was a lesson I would remember when dealing with my own daughter in the future. I told her I wanted to meet her soon.

  “Perhaps when I meet Stephen you can come with him.”

  She seemed so relieved and pleased at the invitation. I could tell she was trying hard not to cry, and it took her more than one attempt to get her voice back in order to give a reply.

  “Thank you, Katherine. I can’t wait. I have wanted to meet you for a long time.”

  We agreed on the time and place. I told Jason I wanted to go alone for the first visit, and before he could erupt in his expected, “Oh no you’re not,” I added that I wanted him and Gracie to be nearby in a hotel. I didn’t want to expose Gracie to them without knowing how I was going to react. He was worried about me being alone the first time I met them, but agreed it was probably best.

  “I’m going to call you after fifteen minutes to just be sure you are okay,” he insisted.

  So it was set. The plan was laid out, and I was finally going to meet my past and, hopefully, my future. I told Bill and Vanessa about the meeting, which I think worried my mom. She had tears in her eyes and became very quiet. My dad stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders, not really sure what to say. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt those wonderful people. No birth parents could have been more loving and supportive, and I tried to assure them they would always be Mom and Dad to me. Nothing would change that.

  “I need to do this, Mom, in order to put the pieces together and find peace. I’m doing this to help me feel like a complete person.”

  I didn’t tell her, but I was doing this for Evie as much as for myself, maybe more.

  ***

  The next time I talked to Stephen he told me that he and his grandmother were coming to Charlotte for our first meeting. I had offered to meet the Stewarts halfway, but they insisted on flying to North Carolina for the meeting.

  “You have a young child to take care of, and this is what we want to do. We will get a room at one of the hotels near the airport and call you once we are settled in.”

  Jason was more concerned now that they would be in our hometown.

  “We really don’t know them, Kat. What if they try something?”

  “What would they possible try, Jason? To kidnap me or hold me for ransom?”

  He was being ridiculous and he knew it, but he just wanted to protect me from the possible pain the meeting could cause. Jason had seen me suffer hours of emotional pain and torment while pulling my memories to the surface. I loved that he wanted to spare me, but this was all part of the healing process. In order to remember and accept my forgotten past, I had to meet everyone that it entailed. They were my grandmother and my brother; I knew it was true, intellectually at least. It was hard to explain, but my gut just told me they were good people. I just knew I was going to be safe. My inner voice had really become my true compass lately.

  My husband and my parents seemed to want to fight me on every decision, but somehow I think Evie was the one I was listening to. She was guiding me to where I needed to go in order to heal both of us, and I was going to let her do just that.

  When the phone rang, I jumped up so quickly I hit my knee on the end table and said a word in front of Gracie she had never heard before. Jason gave me a look of disapproval, and I just whispered “Sorry” and hurried to the phone.

  “Hello, Katherine, it’s Stephen. We are here and ready to meet you anywhere you like.”

  I told them I would just come to their room if that was okay. Jason wasn’t thrilled that our meeting would be somewhere out of sight of others, but I explained to him that it had to be that way.

  “I don’t want to put on a show for everyone to see. What if my emotions take over and I burst into tears in public? Besides, I want to be able to talk openly with them about the past, a
nd I am not ready for everyone in town to know my past, especially since I am not sure how I am dealing with it myself. Jason, please just give me some time to meet my past in private. Once I feel I am ready, I will have them follow me here to meet you and Gracie. If I feel uncomfortable about them, I just won’t mention meeting you and they won’t know where we live.”

  I had been sitting next to Jason on the couch while I attempted to compromise with him, and I gave him my sad puppy dog eyes and pouty lips expression. It almost always worked.

  “Well, I am still calling you once you have had about fifteen minutes with them, just to make sure you are okay,” he said, finally relenting.

  I agreed to call Jason before I knocked on the door of the hotel so he wouldn’t call before I had even said hello. I sat outside of the airport Days Inn for at least twenty minutes, playing the possible scenarios in my head.

  Get a grip on yourself, Katherine; it’s an old lady and a college student. Plus, they are family. Go meet your grandmother and your brother, for goodness’ sake. It’s what you wanted. You sent the letters and put the ads in the papers that led to this. They flew here to meet you, after all. They want this too.