Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child

by P. J. Rhea

  I said a silent prayer asking for the courage I needed to go up to that door. I also asked God for the ability to forgive the things I needed to forgive. I knew I had to let go of the resentment I harbored toward Evelyn. After I finished praying, I took several deep breaths in an effort to settle my nerves. Once I’d calmed myself and was getting out of the car, I gave Jason a quick call.

  “Okay, I’m going in,” I said, and then laughed at how silly I sounded. It felt like I was a secret agent entering the building where the enemy was hiding out.

  “Be careful,” Jason instructed, “and don’t forget I will call in fifteen minutes to be sure you are okay. If you need my help just say something that will alert me like… crackerjack.”

  I had to laugh.

  “Jason, how in the world am I supposed to say crackerjack out of the blue and not sound like I’m insane?” I could tell in his voice that he was starting to get irritated with me.

  “I don’t know, Kat, but think of something. Just do it, okay!”

  “Okay, okay I promise… if there is any sign of trouble I will say crackerjack.”

  I knocked softly on the door of room 101. I wondered if I had even knocked loud enough for them to hear me, but I wanted to wait before trying again so if they had heard, it wouldn’t make me seem impatient. The door opened and there stood a slender woman with hair that was more white than gray. It was in a type of bob cut and was very wavy. She had very kind pale blue eyes that reminded me of the lady in my dreams. To be honest, they reminded me of myself. It was a thought that made me a little uncomfortable. I hadn’t been prepared for any resemblance to me. She was dressed in a tasteful navy skirt and light blue blouse, and I could tell by the way she held her arms close to her in almost an embrace that she was as petrified as I was at what she would find on the other side of the door when it opened.

  “Katherine?”

  “Yes, and you must be Evelyn.” It seemed strange to call her the name I had so recently learned had been my own name.

  “You can feel free to call me grandmother, if you want to.”

  She gave a nervous smile and opened her arms to allow a hug if I was willing. I surprised myself at just how willing I was. I embraced the stranger as if we had known each other our whole lives. The idea that this was my grandmother made me tear up. And she in turn cried also.

  “Oh, Evie, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I pray you will find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  I hated that I was so quick to correct her in this tender moment, but it had become such a defense mechanism for me. I couldn’t accept myself as Evie yet.

  “Katherine, my name is Katherine, not Evie.”

  “Oh,” she said with obvious regret for the mistake. “I meant Katherine.”

  She backed into the room and made room for me to enter. Standing in the back of the room, giving me a chance to make the first move, was a tall dark-haired young man. He was near the lamp on the dresser, and it made a shadow over his face. Evelyn motioned for him to come forward and meet me. As he stepped forward and his face came into view, a sudden surge of fear ran through my body and an almost sick feeling grabbed my stomach. It was Ralph Dark and suddenly the fear I had felt in all my dreams, in all those memories, crashed into me like a hard punch to the gut. The room was spinning and seemed to grow dark. Suddenly I felt my body falling and all went blank.

  I woke up to Evelyn placing a cold cloth to my face, and the man was talking to someone on the phone. I realized after a few fuzzy moments it was my cell phone he was talking on.

  “Yes, she is coming around. I’m sure she will be fine, uh, it’s Jason, right? I think she can speak now, hang on.”

  “Oh great,” I moaned to myself. I’d passed out and Jason had called. I was surprised he wasn’t crashing through the door screaming crackerjack to the top of his lungs.

  “Hello, Jason.”

  Jason was hysterical when I took the phone. He told me he was seconds away from calling the police to come check on me.

  “For all I know they hit you over the head or something!”

  He was going to have to get a grip. I understood his concern but give me a break. Why on earth would they do that?

  “I’m fine, really. I think I was overcome with emotion or something and I fainted.”

  Once I assured him I was safe, Jason agreed not to come to my rescue, but he was going to call back in a little while just the same. Stephen seemed a little uncertain what to make of my response to seeing him. I could tell it had made things extremely awkward between us, and I was still feeling strange. My pulse was racing again, and it was hard for me not to run screaming from the room.

  “Are you all right, Katherine?”

  At first the same panic started to swell in me that had caused me to pass out when I first set eyes on him, but then I noticed his eyes. They were not the cruel dark eyes of my tormentor, but the soft, comforting blue eyes of our mother. The eyes that had helped me find solace in all the nightmares were looking at me now in Stephen’s eyes. I also recognized the kind voice I had heard on the phone during our conversations. He was in no way like Ralph Dark, except maybe a few facial features.

  “I’m fine, Stephen.”

  My fears lifted and I was able to embrace my brother for the first time since 1992 when I’d carried him from the burning house.

  Jason called a short time later to make sure everything was all right.

  “It’s great, really. I am having a wonderful visit and will probably bring them by later.”

  I had taken the call outside the room with the excuse of better reception. I didn’t want Jason to worry about me, but the truth was the first thirty minutes had been a little stressful. We were having pleasant enough conversation, but not really saying what was on all our minds, which was what happened to Grace and Ralph? Stephen had told me all about his life growing up on the phone the few times we’d talked. Evelyn was cautious and guarded with her words. I was sure she was afraid she might offend me, and I would bolt from the room never to speak to her again. I knew why she felt that way. I had been defensive in our previous conversations because I was a little resentful about her not wanting me. I had to let it go and forgive her. After all, the bad things had happened before she was asked to take me into her home, and the people who had adopted me were wonderful and loving.

  I had debated on how much to share with them about my recent memories. Would I be destroying a fantasy Stephen held about his father if I told of Evie’s torment? It could ruin any chance I had of getting to know my brother, but I had to tell them. No matter how much it hurt my grandmother to hear what her daughter had gone through, and no matter if it made Stephen hate me, the truth had to come out.

  “The reason for my sudden appearance in your lives is because of memories that have resurfaced. They are very unpleasant memories, but I think it’s important to share them. I think it’s important that the truth be revealed if our relationships are going to develop.”

  They both looked at each other with a pleased expression, as if to agree that it was what they had hoped for.

  “Please, Katherine, tell us everything you have remembered. Then if there is anything we can add once you’re done, we will share it with you. We want the truth more than anything, no matter what it is.”

  I was taken by surprise at first by their openness to hear about my memories, but once I pulled myself together, I took a deep breath and just blurted out the whole story beginning with my dreams of a little girl. I talked for an hour and a half nonstop, and neither of them interrupted me even once. They also didn’t seem the least bit shocked by the detailed account of the abuse I had remembered up to that point.

  Tears flowed freely from my grandmothers eyes, but she sat motionless, absorbing everything I said with a look of remorse on her face. I knew she was feeling completely responsible for all that had happened to her daughter and to me. My brother seemed to feel ashamed that the man who was his father was so evil. I saw anger in his eyes, but I co
uld tell it was not aimed toward me. He hated what had happened to me at the hands of Ralph Dark. After I’d told them all that I knew and informed them about my continued efforts to remember what might possibly be the worst memory of all under Dr. Anna’s care, I just sat and waited for my brother and grandmother to respond. The long silence was broken when Jason called again. He was wondering why we hadn’t come to the house yet.

  “Gracie is excited about meeting her uncle and great-grandmother. Are you on your way?”

  “It won’t be much longer; I have been telling them about my memories, which is not exactly something I would want Gracie to hear.”

  He seemed to understand and agreed that Gracie was too young for such detail. The interruption seemed to be what Jason and Evelyn needed to pull it together.

  “I never realized how bad it was, but I did assume he had to be a bad guy,” Stephen said with a look of sorrow.

  “Why would you assume anything?” I asked. “You were an infant when he died.”

  He explained that when he was around fourteen, after his grandfather had passed, he decided to find out about his birth father’s family. He was able to locate them with help from Evelyn and went for a visit.

  “Let me just say, Ralph Dark was a product of his father’s cruelty and his mother’s fear. I knew they were aware of my existence because my grandparents had told me Paul and Marie Dark had also been notified after the fire. They were told they could apply for guardianship. They wanted no part of it. Of course, when you’re a teenage boy and you think you know everything, you just know the grass is greener… well you know.”

  Stephen gave Evelyn a grin and winked at her. She could only smile at him behind her tears over what was obviously a tense time in her life.

  “I guess I was missing my grandfather so much and wanted a father in my life. A boy that age needs a dad who understands guy things. I arrived on their doorstep expecting to be welcomed with open arms since I was the only child of the son they’d lost. I had built up how great it would be. I would be their second chance, a replacement for Ralph to fill the void. Let me just say, my dreams of that perfect life turned into a nightmare as soon as they opened the door.

  Ralph’s dad was mean and hurtful, and he basically told me if I wanted to live there with them it was fine, but I would work for my keep and if I got out of line he would do the same thing to me he’d done to his own boy. He then proceeded to show me a thick belt that hung on the back of the door. He folded the belt in half and made a loud slapping noise with it, then laughed the most evil laugh I have ever heard. His wife looked frail and scared out of her mind. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me, her own grandson. I think she knew within minutes that I would not stay, and she didn’t want to love me and have to feel the pain she knew would come when I did leave.

  Paul Dark had nothing nice to say about his son either. He basically told me if I was as worthless as my father had turned out to be, he didn’t want me anyway. I was only there for a few days. As soon my grandmother could arrange my bus ticket, I was ready to leave there and never look back. I hurried home as quickly as the bus would carry me and gave her the biggest hug she’d ever received when I got home.” Stephen nodded toward Evelyn.

  Evelyn gave him a big smile and nudged him with her elbow. Stephen came over and sat by me. I think he felt guilty for not saving me as I had saved him, but what could he have possibly done? He wasn’t even alive during most of it.

  “I had no idea what he’d done to you, and I am so sorry for the things he put you through, but I’m not shocked by it.”

  I suppose in an effort to relieve some of the guilt, I tried to explain how most of the memories were Evie’s and not really mine. I knew it probably didn’t make a lot of sense to them. After all, it didn’t make sense to me either, but I explained to them how I felt like the memories belonged to the little girl Evie from my dreams. At least at that time, it didn’t feel like those things had happened to me directly.

  “It still feels like we are two separate people, and I am just helping her heal. I know that sounds strange, but it is the only way I know how to explain it.”

  Stephen smiled as if he understood completely, or at least accepted my explanation, and gave me a cautious hug.

  “Katherine, I have something I was asked to give you,” Evelyn said.

  She handed me a sealed envelope with writing on the outside that said, “Would love to meet you, too” and was signed below by Frank Moon Sr. and Ruth Moon. Inside the envelope I found a letter and a picture. The picture was of a handsome young man with blond curly hair and blue eyes. He was smiling big and holding a little girl in his lap. His eyes gave proof of how proud he was of the child. I turned the picture over and it said “Frank and Evie at one-year-old” and they’d written, “He loved you so much.” I looked up at Evelyn with tears in my eyes, and without thinking about it at all, I hugged her tightly and thanked her. She started to cry with me and said both sets of grandparents had had a rocky beginning because of what happened with their kids but over time they’d become good friends.

  “We were envious of them because their son had reconnected with them once you were born. He wouldn’t tell them where he and Grace were living, but he would send pictures to them and he called a couple of times. Then when Frank was killed, the Moons blamed us for his death for a long while. They told us if we had not been so hard on Grace that Frank would have brought them back home. Maybe they were right,” Evelyn said sadly. “After Grace died they felt more compassion for us. We had our grief in common, I guess. They reached out to us and offered their sympathy. We stopped blaming each other and started to lean on each other.”

  Evelyn looked at me with tears clinging to her lashes and placed her hand over mine.

  “They shared your baby pictures with us.”

  She swallowed hard, struggling to keep her composure, but I could see the pleading in her expression. “Please forgive me, Katherine. Don’t hate me for turning Grace away… for turning you away. We just stared into each other’s eyes for a while, and I think she saw the softening in my face. She smiled and took a ragged breath before speaking again.

  “All four of us tried to find you after things settled down but with no luck.”

  The picture was the only one I had of my daddy and the only one of me as a baby. Why hadn’t I thought about finding my paternal grandparents? I was so concerned with finding my brother that I had not stopped to think about the other set of grandparents I had. The letter inside the envelope was several pages, so I would wait until I was alone to read it.

  “Please tell them I want very much to meet them. We will get together soon.

  Chapter Ten

  It was time to take them to my house to meet Jason and Gracie. It was a little awkward at first, but Jason was great. He and Stephen hit it off right away. Basketball was a common love and in a matter of minutes they were best buds. Gracie had no idea who those people were, but she warmed up to them quickly. I only introduced them as my friends. I wanted to wait before telling her they were her great-grandmother and uncle. It would be hard to explain in a way that would not confuse her; plus, in a matter of weeks I would probably be meeting Frank Moons’ parents and that would mean more great-grandparents who suddenly came into her life. I was still working hard on absorbing the information myself, so to spring it on a young child might be too much. I also had my parents over to meet Stephen and Evelyn the following day. It was a wonderful visit. Gracie adored them both and they brought her gifts on their second visit. It looked as if they had bought out the store.

  “We have to make up for lost time,” Stephen explained.

  My emotions were in overdrive. I would sit and watch the interactions between the people I’d thought to be my only family until recently and the people who I’d only met three days ago. It was hard to believe how close I felt to them already. Evie had never met her grandmother, and Stephen was an infant when they were separated, so I knew what I felt was new to Evie as w
ell. It wasn’t some memory trying to bleed through. After five wonderful days with them, it was time for Stephen and Evelyn to return to Oklahoma. I hated to see them leave and promised I would come to visit them soon and to meet the Moons. They gave me the Moons’ phone number in case I wanted to call them. I promised I would soon. They also wanted me to let them know how my therapy went.

  “Please call us when you remember more about the fire,” Evelyn pleaded. “I just want to know about Grace and exactly what happened that night.”

  She tried not to let it show, but I could see the guilt and heartbreak in her pleading blue eyes. I promised I would. I’d met them for a very early breakfast at the restaurant connected to their hotel. Then I drove them the two blocks to the airport.

  They were about to head into the airport when Evelyn gave me another hug and whispered to me, “I love you, Katherine Hunter. Promise me you believe that.”