Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child

by P. J. Rhea

There was full-blown panic in my voice. The words came fast and frantic.

  “He’s coming! Oh no! He has spotted Evie and he knows something is going on. She missed a ten-dollar bill and he spots it on the lawn. There is blood on her hand and on her pants leg from the cut. Ralph is coming toward her… Run, Evie, run away so he won’t find the rest of the money! She is frozen with fear. She will not run. He is going to know what they have been doing.”

  “Katherine, take a deep breath. Remember, you are safe. It is only a memory. Where are Grace and the baby?”

  “Evie can see her in the window; she has her hand over her mouth like she is trying not to scream. Her eyes look afraid. Ralph sees the broken jar and the flowerpot full of jars beside it. He dumps them all out on the ground. Evie grabs the money jar and tries to run with it. She will hide and wait till Mama can join her, and they will leave now. Ralph catches her by her hair. He is pulling her into the house, and he is cursing and yelling at Grace before he even gets into the house.

  “‘Oh, Mama, I’m so sorry,’ Evie cries to Grace from behind Ralph as he screams at her. He is cursing at her. Ralph is telling her that she can never leave him. He tells her if she even thinks about leaving again he will kill them all. Evie is so sorry. It’s all her fault.”

  “‘If you thought it was bad before, it will be even worse now!’ Ralph promised.

  “Evie falls to her knees and starts to cry into her hands. Ralph slaps Grace hard across the face while she is holding baby Stephen in her arms. She almost drops the baby, and he cries loudly. Mama is pleading with Ralph to calm down, to not be mad.”

  “‘We were just saving money for a surprise for your birthday,’ Grace lies.

  “He doesn’t believe her. He is dragging her up the stairs while she struggles to hold on to the baby. He puts her in the closet in the bedroom, and then shoves a chair under the doorknob so Grace can’t open the door.”

  “‘I’m teaching both of you a lesson you won’t forget,’ he screamed.

  “Evie is standing in the doorway watching. She is so worried about Mama she isn’t thinking clearly. She needs to be running for help. She is frozen with fear, shock, and guilt. This is my fault, she is thinking. Grace tried as hard as she could to get out of the closet before Ralph could shut her in, but he was too strong and she was holding the baby and had to be careful not to drop him. As soon as Ralph closed the door, she was trapped. Grace is trying to push it open, but she can’t move the chair. Evie realizes Ralph is looking at her now. She wants to run but fear is keeping her frozen to the floor. He has that strange smile on his face. He is coming toward her.”

  I was frantic. I felt every emotion as the memory played out. Dr. Anna told me later that it was so hard not to bring me out of it and sooth me, but she knew I had to remember. My words were hard to understand part of the time because I was living every characters part, including my own. As I shifted around on the divan, I rambled on about what Evie said and how she was feeling, but at the same time I was in the closet with Grace. I was also observing from above in my own body.

  Suddenly I screamed out so loudly, Dr. Anna jumped, and she knew it had to be Grace calling to Evie from her closet prison. She knew what was about to happen.

  “Run, Evie, run!”

  “I can hear Grace screaming and pounding on the closet door. The baby is crying franticly, upset by his mother’s actions. Evie hears the noise coming from the closet but it seems far away. Everything is moving in slow motion.”

  “‘So you think you’re a woman now, Evie girl?’ Ralph is standing really close now, and he is running a finger down the front of her shirt. “Let me see for myself.”

  “Ralph had been drinking before coming home, and since locking Grace in the closet he has taken several long drinks from the bottle he keeps by the bed. His anger has turned into something else. Something that is much more frightening to Evie than the thought of a beating with his belt. Grace knows what is happening, and she is pleading through the door. Evie hears the panic in her mother’s voice but doesn’t understand yet what is happening.”

  Dr. Anna told me later that she got the sense that I was moving back and forth from where Evie was to the closet with Grace. She noticed changes in my facial expressions and body language that clearly told her where I was when a statement was made. The next words that came out of my mouth were obviously from the closet, and they sent a shiver down the doctor’s spine.

  “‘She’s a child, a baby. Leave her alone, Ralph. Take your anger out on me. It was my idea to leave. OH PLEASE, RALPH! DON’T DO THIS!”

  “Evie is confused. What was he going to do? He didn’t seem angry at all, so maybe he wasn’t going to hit her. He isn’t screaming at her. He isn’t even yelling back at Grace as she pleads from the closet. He hates when the baby cries and often demanded that somebody shut the kid up… but he seems not to notice the loud cries coming from his little son in the dark closet. He just keeps looking at her with that creepy smile that makes Evie feel sick.”

  “‘Run, Evie. Run to Carla!”

  “The scream from the closet hits Evie with a force that sends fear to her core. In an instant she is pulled back to reality and turns to run, but it is too late. Ralph has her now; he is dragging her to the bathroom.”

  I began to weep as I told the rest of the memory. I was only observing and not feeling the pain. Maybe that was the point where Evie started protecting me.

  “He has his belt off; maybe he is going to spank her. He puts the belt around her wrist and pushes her to the floor. Oh, Evie, no. Fight him. Don’t let this happen! Grace is pushing with all her might on the closet door, pleading for him to let her out! He loops the end of the belt around the pipe under the sink and ties it. Evie can feel the coolness of the pipe on her hand, and she holds the pipe as if bracing herself for something. She can feel water as it drips from the pipe onto her arm. For a few seconds, Evie watches as the drop makes a track down her arm. It is as if she is trying to distance herself from her body.”

  Only two seconds may have actually passed as Evie watched the drop, but to me, and possible to Evie, it was a long while. We were both bracing ourselves.

  “‘If he is tying my hands with his belt does that mean he is going to beat me with something else?’ Evie is thinking. There is too much to take in.”

  “I want to help her, Dr. Anna. What can I do to help her?”

  “Let her remember, Katherine. That is how you can help her. Let her be heard.”

  “She is so afraid, Dr. Anna. It’s too much for her. I feel her heart beating so hard, and she can’t breathe.”

  I began to struggle on the divan. Dr. Anna told me that she’d been afraid that I would come out of the hypnosis too soon.

  “Come on, sweetie. Just a little longer and it will be over,” Dr. Anna said.

  “He’s pulling her pants and her panties off. I know what he is going to do, Dr. Anna. I have to stop it… I have to stop him.

  “Katherine, this has already happened. It’s the memory. Remember you are safe here, and you are just listening to Evie. Let her tell you what happened.”

  I calmed down just a little at the doctor’s suggestion, but my heart was still pounding, and I felt nauseated as I watched the memory unfold.

  “He is heavy on her and the smell is sickening. The whiskey and smoke breath is overwhelming, and she is trying to turn away, but he keeps putting his mouth on hers. He keeps telling her she wants this. He is so strong, and he is becoming angry again because she is kicking and fighting him. She bites him when he tries to kiss her again, and he slaps her hard. Evie can taste blood in her mouth.”

  Suddenly I became very still and held my breath. Then tears ran down my face. I embraced my body and repeated a chant over and over.

  “No, oh please, God, no.”

  As I rocked, Dr. Anna realized that I’d witnessed the horrible truth of what Ralph had done to Evie.

  “Dr. Anna, she has stopped moving. Why has she stopped fighting him?”
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  “Where are you, Katherine. Are you in the bathroom?”

  “I am above them looking down. I don’t want to watch, but I can’t turn away. I see Ralph on top of her but she is lifeless. I know it is hurting her. I feel the pain too.

  “She is just a little girl and he is a large man. He is taking her innocence. She is just lying there still and quiet while he uses her small, frail body. Her eyes meet mine, and for the first time I think she sees me watching. Something changes in her eyes. The light in them grows dim, and it is as if her spirit leaves her body and I take it from her. Something changes between us. It’s like she is gone now. Not physically, of course, but somehow the essence of her needed to escape this horror, so I will keep it for her now, safe and free from further pain. I have been keeping her safe, Dr. Anna.”

  I started to cry openly as I lay on the divan. It was a deep, mournful cry, and Dr. Anna knew I was crying not only for Evie, but, at last, also for myself.

  Almost ten minutes passed. It appeared that I had fallen asleep or maybe passed out from the emotional beating I had endured. Dr. Anna was patient and gave me the time I needed, but she knew there were still things that needed to be remembered. What caused the fire, for instance? She knew Evie needed to remember the fire before she could heal.

  “Katherine, you have been quiet for a while, what is happening now? I can tell you are still feeling fear or concern. Who is in the room with you?”

  “It’s dark outside now. Ralph has let Grace out of the closet but he won’t let her go near Evie. The baby has fallen asleep, and Ralph tells Grace to lie him in his crib and come to bed. Grace is crying quietly. Her face is wet from tears, but she doesn’t want to anger him so she goes to bed. Ralph has taken the belt off of Evie, but she is lying still and quiet on the bathroom floor, her panties near her foot on one leg. Grace can see she is breathing, but she is worried about how badly Evie may be hurt. She is going to wait for Ralph to pass out, and then check on her.

  Ralph drank the entire bottle of whiskey and pulled a second one from the shelf in the closet. After one drink from it, he passes out with the bottle still open in his hand and his arms and legs wrapped around Grace as she lies beside him. She can see Evie is starting to move, but his limbs imprison her. He doesn’t trust her not to leave, and he has secured her to him so tightly that any movement alerts him and he tightens his hold on her.”

  “Where are you, Katherine?”

  “I’m still above Evie, watching her, waiting for her to get up. Her eyes are so empty. It feels as if her spirit is gone but her body is still alive. I think her spirit has come to live in me now, Dr. Anna. I’m not Evie, but I am taking care of her now. I have become her body, and her spirit is in me. We finally rose up to look around the room. Evie put our panties and pants back on and then turned to wash our hands as if we had only just used the toilet. Our mother is looking at us with so much pain in her eyes.”

  Dr. Anna took notice that I was now including myself in the memory. It was as if we were together. It was still not like we were one and the same, but as if we were a team.

  “Grace whispered through her tears, ‘I’m so very sorry baby, are you okay?’

  “We can still hear the fear in her voice. We walk toward her and nod our head to tell her we are okay. Grace looks so defeated, so helpless in his grip. We want to save her, but we don’t know what to do. Evie talked to her for us.

  “‘Mama, I want us to leave now. Can we please go?’

  “Evie asked the question in an almost robotic voice. Grace knows something is different about Evie. She can see it in her eyes. She knows something has changed, that Evie is no longer the same person. The evil man who is holding her prisoner has tortured her daughter. He has murdered the beautiful spirit of her child. Grace attempts to loosen her flesh chains, but that only causes him to tighten them more, and this time it causes him to spill some of the contents of his bottle on the sheets in front of Grace. Evie rushes over to tilt the bottle upright. Grace looks as if a sudden flicker of hope has entered her mind.”

  “‘Evie, will you see if you can ease the bottle from his fingers?’

  His grip on the bottle has relaxed enough that she is able to take it from him.

  “‘Now I need you to go to the other side of the bed and pour the rest of it on his side of the bed. Try not to get it too close to his body so not to alert him. Be careful not to do it too fast. We don’t want to wake him.’

  “Evie nods at the odd request and does as she is told. ‘Okay, Mama, I did it.’

  “‘Now, go get his lighter out of his pants pocket. They’re hanging on the back of the chair.’

  “We knew what she is going to do. We will burn him up and escape. Evie does what she asks her to do and brings the lighter to Grace. Our mother’s eyes are wet, but she is not crying.

  “‘Evelyn Belle Moon, I love you always and forever. I love you more than I love my own life, and I love your brother. Promise me that you believe it.’

  “We say what our mother needs to hear.

  “‘I promise forever and always, Mama.’

  “‘Now, go get your brother out of his crib and bring him over here for me to see.’

  “We do as she asks. Baby Stephen is so exhausted by the earlier event that he never makes a sound when we lift him from his crib in the corner of the room. Grace gives him a tender kiss as we hold him near her, and she also gives us one when we lower our head near her face.

  “‘Now go outside and wait for help. Don’t come back in, no matter what. Promise me.’

  “‘Mama, you’re coming too. I won’t leave without you.’

  “We say it together, but I think Mama only hears Evie. Grace is smiling and nodding her head like she agrees, but we don’t see how she can get away. His arms and legs are so tight around her, she can’t move.

  “‘Don’t you worry, Evie. We are all getting away from him tonight. Everything will be better soon, sweet girl. Go outside and wait like I told you to.’

  “We turn to leave. We are a few steps away from the door when we hear Ralph say two words, ‘What the…!’ and then a loud noise like wind whooshing. We hear them both scream. We lay the baby in the floor and run back into the room.

  “The bed is on fire! We have to save Mama! We grab on to Mama’s arm and try to pull her free. Even in his frantic pain, Ralph will not let her go. We pull on his arm, trying to free his grip, but the pain in our hands is too much and we have to let go. We can see her beautiful blue eyes pleading with us to go, just as the flames engulf her. Grace is able to say one word before the flames take her forever.

  “‘Run!’

  “We don’t want to leave Mama, but the smoke is chocking us, and we hear the baby screaming from the hallway where we left him, so we do what she asks us to do. We run to him and we leave the house as the flames grow swiftly into the other rooms.

  “I stand like a statue on the sidewalk while people rush around yelling for help. I think Evie stayed in there with Mama. I don’t feel her anymore. It’s just me out here watching the flames and holding the baby. I can hear the sirens coming down the street. The first policeman to arrive is trying to get everyone away from the house in case anything explodes. He is talking to someone on a phone, telling him or her to be sure the gas is shut off on the entire street.

  “Ms. Carla walks the baby and me to her house, then sits and holds both of us while she cries and cries as if her heart is broken. I suddenly feel the horrible pain from the burns on my hands. I start to scream, which makes Stephan start to cry again. The fireman comes rushing into Ms. Carla’s house and yells at me to let go of Stephen when he realizes how badly my hands are burned. He told me he was sorry afterward, but he didn’t want to hurt me by trying to pry Stephen from my hands. Once I let them take my brother and put him in the arms of a paramedic, they rush him to an ambulance.

  “They place me in the ambulance also, and the men pour cool water over my hands and put a mask over my face that blows air into my nos
e. I am in pain, but I don’t make another sound. It is as if someone else is feeling the pain for me. I remember it all, and I can no longer hold back the tears. I begin to cry and moan from a pain so deep that it seems to make my insides ache. I feel so strange. It feels like a dream and I just…”

  I stopped talking and lay quiet and still.

  “Katherine, you are safe now, so let the pain leave you. You will remember everything, but you will be able to bear it. When I count to three you will be fully awake and refreshed. One… Two… Three.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Jason, this is Dr. Anna Martin. I was wondering if Katherine had made it home yet.”

  “Isn’t she still with you?”

  Jason had been so into the ball game on the television that he hadn’t noticed that his wife should have been home two hours ago. Gracie was at his parents’ house for the day, and he had done yard work, cleaned up, and then sat down to watch a game while eating lunch.