Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child

by P. J. Rhea

  “Jason, I am concerned about her, so when she gets home have her call me, please.”

  “What happened? Why would you be worried? Did she remember this time?”

  Dr. Anna was hesitant with her response.

  “I can’t give you details, Jason, but it was an upsetting session, and she left abruptly as soon as I brought her out of the hypnosis. I would just like to be sure she is all right.”

  “Sure thing, doctor. I’ll tell her to give you a call.”

  Jason was not sure what to do. Kat wasn’t answering her cell phone. He’d left three messages pleading with her to call and let him know she was all right. He was about to call and see if she had gone to her mom’s, but as he reached for the phone it rang.

  “Jason, this is Carla Wilson from Harmony. I am a friend of Katherine’s. I wanted to let you know she is here.”

  “She’s at your house?” Jason asked. “Can I talk to her, please?”

  “Well, she isn’t exactly at my house; she is standing on the sidewalk in front of the lot where the house burned down. I have tried several times to get her to come in and talk to me, but she just said she needs to be there right now, so I left her alone. She has been writing in a notebook some, and she will pace back and forth talking to herself, then she will cry. I think you need to come see about her. I really do.”

  “Yes ma’am, I am on my way,” he assured her.

  Jason arrived in Harmony forty-five minutes later. He pulled up in front of Carla’s house, but he didn’t see his wife anywhere. Maybe she is in the house talking to Carla, Jason reasoned. Her car was still parked in front of the empty lot that had once held her childhood nightmares. Carla came out on the porch to greet Jason and pointed to her flower garden in the far corner. There sat Katherine on the ground, clutching a notebook to her chest and rocking back and forth as if giving herself comfort.

  “She has been sitting there since just after I called you. First she cried loudly. I almost went back over to her but figured she needed the alone time. Then she wrote in that notebook for a long while, and then she just started rocking back and forth like a woman does when she is holding a child. Something terrible must have happened in that house, and I’m guessing she finally remembered what it was.”

  Jason eased his way over to where Kat was sitting. As he got closer, he could hear her singing a lullaby very low, and she was holding herself as if she were giving herself a hug. He slowly sat down across from her and waited for her to say something. Her face was wet from the tears she’d shed, and her eyes were puffy, almost swollen together. After several minutes passed without him being acknowledged, Jason spoke to his wife in a low voice.

  “Kat, are you okay, sweetheart? Dr. Anna called; she is really worried about you. Kat… did something happened today? Please talk to me.”

  Katherine sat for several more minutes before she responded to him. She looked into his eyes, and he could see she was somehow different. Something had happened that would forever change who she was. He wasn’t sure if it would be for the good or bad, but he wanted desperately to comfort her. He wanted to tell her everything would be okay and he was there for her no matter what had happened to her as a child, but instead he just watched her, not sure what to do. She looked so fragile and so broken, but something in his gut told him he should not touch her until she gave him a signal of some kind. She ran her fingers gently across the flowers Carla had planted.

  Katherine had been thinking the garden was in the exact place that her mother’s room had been.

  “It almost seems like a sanctuary here among these flowers, doesn’t it?” she asked.

  “I guess so,” was all Jason could think to say. He eased himself just a little closer to her.

  “Jason, I remembered it all. I completely remember all of the years I spent in the house that stood here. I remember that I was Evie, and I was a happy healthy little girl with bouncy blond curls and blue eyes that shined, and I totally adored my mama.”

  Her voice cracked, and it took a few seconds before she could continue.

  “I remember she was good to me and we colored and played games, and she would paint my fingernails and comb my hair. I remember helping her make cookies, and she would let me put on her apron and wash dishes with her. She never got mad when I got water all over the floor. I remember she would hold my hand and we would dance around the room to music on the radio, and we would sing and laugh and it was wonderful.”

  “Well, that sounds really nice, Kat.”

  Jason knew she was far from finished and that she was working up to the reason for the profound sadness and the tears. Kat sat silent for several more minutes, as if she wanted to enjoy that moment before she continued. He watched as his wife sat silently with tears trailing her cheeks. She swallowed hard and prepared herself to continue.

  “I remember when he came to live with us too. When Ralph Dark entered our lives.”

  Kat wrapped her arms more tightly around her body and patted herself in a comforting motion. She continued talking, but she wasn’t looking at Jason anymore. Instead she was staring out in front of her as if watching a replay of the things she now knew to be her past. She watched the characters play their parts as she told of her remembered childhood.

  She told Jason the horrible story of Ralph Dark and the abuse; she told it as if it happened to Evie and not to her, but Jason could tell she too felt every emotion as she shared each detail. Kat explained the pain and the fear. She explained the hope so short lived and then the despair. The horrible story as it happened to poor Evie. It was almost like she was watching this horrific abuse from somewhere in the room and she was forced to observe.

  “The first few weeks he was nice, but Evie could tell he was just acting, and she wasn’t very nice back.”

  Katherine smiled at that memory as if it had given her some satisfaction.

  “But then he started treating her differently when Grace couldn’t see. He made her feel scared all the time. I remember it all now, Jason, every cruel word, every mean-spirited act, every beating, every bath…”

  Her voice trailed off, and she looked at Jason as if wanting him to make the connection between the memory and the obsession she had always had about privacy in the bathroom. He understood completely and gave a tight smile and a small nod to confirm it for her. She just sat looking at him for several minutes, trying to make all the pieces of her past and how it had affected her life and her relationships fit.

  Finally Jason had to say something. He wanted her to keep talking and to continue to share with him.

  “Did you finally remember the fire, Kat?”

  She didn’t really answer the question; she just began with her explanation.

  “I always assumed I’d started the fire. I didn’t know why I thought that, but since my hands were scared, it just made sense that I’d somehow caught the house on fire. I have been tormenting myself with guilt that I might have been the reason my mother died. But it wasn’t me, Jason. I tried to save her. That’s how I burned my hands.”

  She seemed almost proud of that revelation. But then her expression quickly went back to the extreme distress she had shown in her eyes, and she turned away not wanting to look at Jason. Her voice started to sound almost apologetic.

  “You know how I always told you that you were the first and only man I had been with, you know… sexually? Well, it turns out that wasn’t the truth.” Jason realized instantly what she meant: Ralph Dark had raped her as a child. Something they had both feared might be part of the hidden memories.

  “Kat, I was still the first. It doesn’t count when you’re forced by a monster. It wasn’t your fault, you know that… right?”

  Katherine saw the tenderness and the empathy in her husband’s eyes; he wanted to sooth her, but he wasn’t sure what to do. She wouldn’t hug him yet. She needed to tell him everything, and if she let herself fall into his strong arms, she would crumble into uncontrollable tears.

  “Jason, I know this won�
�t make sense to you, and I’m pretty sure Dr. Anna will have trouble with it, but Evie ceased to exist that day. It was as if she died.”

  “You couldn’t have died Kat; you’re here with me, safe and sound. And you understand that you are Evie… don’t you?”

  “I don’t really know how to make you understand, but I watched as Ralph Dark raped Evie, and at that time we were still both separate spirits. I was kind of floating above them looking down at the horror but not really feeling it. I admit that at first I just thought it was part of being hypnotized and it was how I recalled the memory. But at some point during the attack, our eyes met and I knew we were separate for a reason. She couldn’t handle what was happening to her body, so she just gave up. I could tell her body no longer held her precious spirit, her essence I guess you could call it.

  When it was over, she was physically alive but it was as if her body was an empty shell; her eyes were blank, as if nothing lived in them anymore. I realized I had taken her place. She wanted me to survive. She would take the bad things with her, the pain and the horrible memory. From that day forward I would exist in that body and take care of her. I think she was also protecting me, waiting till it was safe for us to remember what happened.”

  Jason was confused by the fact that Kat still talked about Evie as a different person.

  “I thought once you remembered all of it you and Evie would, you know, merge into one or something. Why do you still talk about her like a separate person? It sounds like you believe this all happened to another person. You do realize it happened to you, Kat? The scares should be proof of that.”

  He took her hands and softly ran a finger over a scare.

  “I think we will always be separate. We are the same person, the same body, I do understand that now. We had the same wonderful mom and our dad was the same. But it’s kind of like she lived the first ten years in this body, and I took over from there. Now that I remember the truth about what happened, it’s like we share it now. Separate but together. Does that make sense?”

  Jason said he understood, but his face didn’t look very convincing.

  “I love you, Kat” is all he knew to say.

  “Promise,” Kat said and then gave into the hug she’d needed since Jason walked up to her. It was time for her to grieve, and she let the tears flow freely for a long time. Jason sat still and let her cry while he held her in his arms like a child. In that moment, Kat thought that she probably was one. It felt as if Evie was crying along with her over the sad truth of what had happened in that house. They were both weeping for the mother who’d loved them so much that she’d given her life in an effort to save theirs.

  Katherine told Jason that she was going to stop by Dr. Anna’s office before coming home. She needed to apologize for scaring her so badly, and she also wanted to explain what had happened to Evie. Katherine hugged and Carla thanked her for calling Jason. While she had her strong husband there to support her, she told Carla the awful truth about the fire and what led up to it. Carla was overcome with guilt and regret.

  “I should have insisted that your mother take the money and leave sooner. Then maybe none of this would have happened. I just feel so guilty for not doing more for Grace and for you.”

  “Carla, it wasn’t you fault. I don’t think anyone realized just how evil Ralph Dark truly was. I don’t know what we would have done without you.”

  Kat promised Carla that she would return soon and tell her more of what she remembered, but now she needed to get back to Dr. Anna.

  Jason went to pick up Gracie and promised he would have dinner ready when she returned home. He was such a good husband. Jason was a decent, wonderful man, and Kat had never realized until her memory returned just how blessed a woman is when she finds such a man. Dr. Anna was still at her office waiting for Katherine. She’d called her from Harmony and asked if she could finish their session. Kat apologized for the abrupt interruption earlier.

  “I am just so glad you are all right, Katherine, and yes, please come back. I want to hear your reactions to what you remembered today.”

  Katherine knew there would be more sessions with Dr. Anna. She still had things to work through, possibly more things to remember, but she knew it would not be long before Dr. Anna would release her from her care. Kat would miss her terrible. She had been an excellent doctor, of course, but also a dear friend.

  “Please come in, Katherine, and make yourself comfortable. I made fresh coffee and there are a few cookies left if you’re hungry.”

  Katherine had never seen the doctor nervous before. Her poker face was gone, and she had lines on her brow as if she were very worried about my earlier revelations.

  “I’m fine, really. I am sorry for bolting out on you like that. I had to get away from it for a while, but of course I went straight to it. I went to Harmony, to the site of the house Evie lived in as a child.”

  She had her doctor face back on now and opened my thick folder to where she had last made notes.

  “Can you tell me how you feel about the memories of that last day?”

  Katherine shook her head. She felt strong enough to be as blunt and honest as she needed to be about all of it. Evie was still protecting her, it seemed. It was as if she was still keeping all the worst feelings of fear and pain with her but was allowing Kat to feel the things she needed to feel in order to deal with the truth.

  “I feel a lot of things. Angry, sickened, dirty, dead inside, abandoned, but at the same time I feel hopeful and safe and more alive than I can explain.”

  “I must say, I am a little confused, Katherine. Those are complete opposites, but you are feeling them all. How is that possible?”

  Kat tried to explain to Dr. Anna how it felt when Evie left and she took over. The doctor listened patiently and made notes in the big folder while Kat spoke.

  “It’s like she lived my past for me, and then I took over.”

  She sat with her pen pushed against her lips for a few seconds, and then pointed the pen at me and asked her question.

  “So, does that mean that you have become one now and will face the future as a whole person?”

  Kat knew that was what she was hoping for, what the textbook response was probably supposed to be, but that wasn’t how it felt to her.

  “Not exactly,” Katherine said. “I think Evie will always be like a separate existence to me. I don’t want to say person, because I know she isn’t walking around separately from me.”

  Dr. Anna looked relieved at that.

  “But it feels as if she had to go somewhere, and she kept the bad memories with her. Even now that I know what happened, all the pain and fear and horror of it all, it still feels like it happened to someone else. I realize that when I was remembering under the hypnosis today that I felt the fear and every other emotion along with her. I can still vividly recall the horrific pain of my body as it tore when he entered me. I can remember the heaviness of his body on mine and the warm blood as it ran down my leg. I can look at my arm and remember the feeling of the drop of water as it ran down from the pipe under the sink. But I can also remember fully the exact second that Evie stopped existing, and I assumed possession of this body. Dr. Anna, I truly feel that if I had to take all that on myself, I would lose my mind. No way can I place all that on me. Evie took it all on herself, and in return I will live our life out happy and secure, able to remember at a safe distance. Does that make any sense at all to you?”

  She looked at me for several quiet minutes, as if sizing me up.

  “Katherine, I think you have done what was best for you. It seems that you and Evie have found a way to heal each other, in a matter of speaking. And she was generous enough to give you all the good memories to keep. I hope we can continue our sessions for a few more months. Work on more of the good memories, if that is all right with you… with both of you?” Dr. Anna smiled and closed the folder in a triumphant gesture. I couldn’t help but smile back at her like a child who’d made her parent proud.
r />   “We would like that.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I sat watching my daughter play with a new appreciation for just how perfect she was. I loved her more than I could put into words before any of my past was revealed, but now, knowing how quickly life can change directions, understanding how every fraction of a second in this life is such a precious gift, I watched her with almost feverish dedication. I easily became lost in her.

  I found myself watching the detail of her small delicate fingers as she worked at her task. I enjoyed the way her face would change expression depending on what she was doing. Never again would I rush her along when she wanted to tell me something because I was busy or just absorbed in a book or television program. She was the center of my world, and I was almost afraid to look away out of fear of missing something that might never repeat itself.