For the Love of Gracie (The Southern Devotion Series)

by McClung, Amy

  I expressed how sorry I was to cause him any pain, that it was never my intention. My only intention was to give him the very best of me. I can’t find anything good inside me anymore. My hope was that our short time together would make it easier for him to move on. He had six years with Addy. We had barely nine months together.

  The envelopes were sealed and placed by the bed. I slipped under the covers, fully dressed in the jeans and t-shirt I bought. For courage, I took a swig from the bottle of Jack. Taking one bottle at a time, I dumped pills onto a napkin on the bed. I determined I had gathered enough to do the job. As I held the bottle between my legs, I dumped the pills into my palm.

  I tried not to hate people, because that was how I was raised. For the first time in my life I could truly say, I hated Hudson James. All the amazing things Ashton had said to me did not seem to erase the negativity in my head from Hudson. It angered me that his words cut so deep that they obliterated any chance I had to be truly happy.

  This wasn't what I wanted, but it seemed like the only logical solution to keep anyone else from being hurt.

  I placed my empty hand against my stomach and said, "I'm sorry. I know this isn’t your fault." With a deep breath, I raised my hand to my mouth.

  The sound of a text coming through stopped me, momentarily.

  It was after two in the morning. I glanced down and saw a text from Ash that said, Unable to sleep. Wherever you are, I wish I was there with you. I need you, Gracie bug. You paint a portrait of happiness in my life like no one else can. Without you, paintings are just drawings. With you, they’re masterpieces. You have my heart always. Don’t shut me out.

  I replied with, I love you, Ashton, with my whole heart. I hoped that would be enough to make him feel better.

  His words tore through me. A barrier of sadness and despair was broken down, allowing me to feel happiness again. It felt as though someone else had been controlling my body and they released it back to my control. I didn’t want to die.

  The grouping of pills clattered as they fell into the waste basket next to the bed. I gathered up my things to check out early. I showered and dressed in a simple pair of jeans with a black t-shirt. I laced my tennis shoes and took a deep breath to prepare.

  As soon as I checked out of the hotel, I drove straight to Ash's house. I didn’t call, I didn’t know what to say. I knocked on the door and it swung open quickly.

  Ashton looked exhausted. He had bags under his eyes, fresh stubble along his jaw, and his hair was disheveled. Once he focused on me, his face lit up with relief. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Thank God you're in one piece." He motioned for me to come in.

  We sat on the couch. He kept his distance, but never took his eyes off of me.

  "First, you need to know you did nothing wrong. I was ready to make love to you and I don’t regret any of that. In fact, it was the most amazing thing I've experienced and it's what kept me going last night when I wanted to just end this once and for all.”

  His face paled. "End it? Gracie no…."

  I stopped him. "Your text, it saved me."

  He stood and paced back and forth in front of me. He rubbed at his goatee in silence. His thumb and forefinger pinched the bridge of his nose as he choked out, "Tell me you meant that figuratively."

  I pulled his letter from my purse and held it out to him. He opened it, realized what it was and collapsed into the closest chair. His head fell to his hands. He dropped the letter and looked up at me. I'd never seen someone so distraught.

  "Are you alright, Ash?"

  He choked back a sob and said, "Are you kidding me? You disappear yesterday without telling me where you're going. Then you come here and tell me that you were going to kill yourself? I'm not alright, Gracie. Not at all."

  I walked toward him and reached out. He backed away from me for a change.

  "How could you be so selfish?" he asked, with hurt instead of anger.

  "I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ash."

  He stepped closer, "Not just me. What about Cameron? He has called me every hour to see if I've heard from you."

  His phone rang, he glanced at it and said, "It's been an hour exactly since he last called."

  He answered and said, "She's here, Cam. She's safe. Yeah, you can come over. I think you should come over." He kept his eyes on me the entire time.

  Cameron would be so mad when he found out about what I almost did. Ashton was right, it was very selfish.

  "Have you eaten?"

  I shook my head, "Not in two days now."

  He stalked away to the kitchen, I followed. "What are you doing?"

  He grumbled, "Fixing you something to eat." He set out ham, cheese, and bread to make a sandwich. He reached to open the bread and I laid my hand on his to stop him. He sucked in a breath when I touched him. He didn’t move, he waited for me to speak.

  "Ash, please. I promise I'll eat. I need something from you first."

  He crossed his arms, he wasn't sure he'd like my request, I could tell.

  "Hold me, please."

  His arms dropped to his side, his features softened.

  He stepped forward. "Are you sure?"

  I nodded and held my arms out.

  He slowly walked over, slid his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I tightened my embrace around him. At the same time I tightened my hold, he sighed in my ear.

  He kissed my hair and whispered, "Please don't ever leave me like that, Gracie."

  I pulled back from him and said, "I'm so sorry."

  Pushing myself up on my tiptoes, my lips met his. He leaned down, softly moving his lips with mine. His hand moved up my back to press me against him. I slid my hands inside his shirt. He groaned, his lips vibrating against mine.

  We were interrupted by incessant banging on the door. He smiled.

  No sight had ever made me happier than that smile.

  "You better answer that."

  I walked to the door, inhaled deeply and opened it, ready to face Cameron's tirade. He stood there, looking worse for the wear than Ashton did.

  Cameron never went without shaving, nor did he leave the house in any sort of disarray. He stood in front of me with his hair a mess, stubble on his cheek, wearing jeans and a baggy shirt.

  He threw his arms around me, almost knocking me backwards. "I don’t care if you don’t want me touching you right now. I'm sorry. Baby girl, you EVER do that to me again and I'll never forgive you."

  He hadn’t let go of me. He hugged me tighter; I felt his body shake.

  "Cameron?" He didn’t speak. He just held me.

  He let go of me all of a sudden. He seemed distracted by something. He bent over and picked up a piece of paper off the floor. His eyes scanned Ashton's letter. He peered up at me, I averted my eyes in shame. His chest rose and fell in strong heaves of breath.

  Ashton put his hand on his shoulder and said, "She's safe now, Cameron. Remember that."

  He plopped onto the couch, staring forward. His eyes were red, a single tear fell from each eye and it broke my heart.

  "Cameron, talk to me."

  Cam faced straight forward. "You were going to leave me, Gracie? You're the most important person in my life. Did you think about me?"

  I knelt in front of him, making eye contact. "Of course I did, I have a letter for you too."

  He grew angry. "You wrote me a damn letter? You thought about me enough to tell me how important I was to you, but didn’t think killing yourself would matter?!"

  "The only thing I thought about was the two of you. You're my family. I didn’t want you to have to spend your life tiptoeing around me wondering when I would breakdown again. You both deserve better than that!" I said, exasperated.

  Cameron's face paled. "I'd rather spend my life taking care of you than live without you!"

  Ashton nodded. "I agree, a million times over."

  Cameron moved next to Ash, they both stood with their arms crossed.

  "Are you two going to gang up on me now?" />
  Cameron yelled, "Gracie! I've got grunge stubble, I'm wearing baggy clothes, my hair is a mess AND I turned down sex to look for you! What does that tell you?"

  He looked so serious it took me a moment, then I let out a loud laugh accompanied by a snort. They both just stared at me as I bent over in laughter. I fell to the couch in hysterics.

  Cameron walked over. "Gracie, have you gone bat-shit crazy?"

  I yanked on his neck pulling him down to me and we rolled off the couch onto the floor together.

  His head lay against my chest as I hugged him to me, "I never want to leave you, Cameron."

  The mood grew serious when he asked, "Tell me why you stopped."

  I reached into my pocket for my cell phone. I opened it to show him the text from Ash.

  "I had a handful of pills, and a bottle of Jack Daniel's to wash them down. They were only inches from my mouth, when this text came through. After reading it, I threw the pills away."

  Cameron moved off of me. We both glanced up at Ashton who was now standing there with tears in his eyes.

  Cameron went to Ashton and hugged him. Actually, they hugged each other, and I heard them both sniffle.

  "Thank you, Ash, for saving my girl."

  He pulled away, both of them were wiping at their eyes. Cameron glanced over at a mirror and scowled, "I should totally have my gay card taken away for being out in public like this! Can I shower and shave, maybe borrow some clothes that look better?"

  Ashton laughed, "Yes, of course. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize your gay card."

  Ashton went back to the kitchen and grabbed my sandwich. "Eat this, please."

  I took a bite. One bite made my stomach growl in hunger. He chuckled softly. "I'll get some chips and a coke."

  He turned to leave, then grabbed something off the couch. I didn’t see what it was, I was too lost in my sandwich. He was taking too long so I walked in there.

  On my way in I said, "What made you text me last night?" I stopped as I watched him reading the letter I wrote.

  He glanced up from the letter. "You know, if this was just a letter you wrote me it would be the best thing I'd ever read in my life. The fact that it is a suicide letter, kills me each time I even see it. You need to talk to someone, Gracie."

  I interrupted, "I know. I promise I will talk to you and Cameron, from now on."

  He placed his hands on my shoulder. "No, Gracie. You need to talk to a professional, a rape counselor or a therapist."

  Cameron's voice sounded behind me, "He's right, Gracie. You're beyond what the two of us can do."

  I turned and smiled when I saw his freshly shaven face. I ran my hand along his smooth cheek. "I love your face."

  With an egotistical smirk, he said, "Everybody does." I threw my arms around his neck. He patted my back. "I'm going to give you two some alone time."

  He moved to the door, then turned back to me. "Can I have my letter?"

  I pulled it from my purse. "If you're sure…"

  Cameron reached out and took the letter from my hand. He heaved a sigh and said, "You listen to me, Gracie Walker. You ever contemplate leaving me again…"

  He choked up before he could finish his sentence. I didn’t need him to say anything. I wrapped my arms around his chest and hugged him.

  He kissed my head and said, "I love you. Even when you're an asshat who wants to break my heart into a million pieces, I love you. So don't ever feel as though you're alone. Besides one amazingly hot best friend," he pointed at himself, "…Moi. You have that man in there, prince charming on a Harley, who was completely destroyed last night when he couldn’t find you. If you'd seen how devastated he was…well, don't do that to either of us again…ever."

  He grabbed my face with both hands, pulling me forward to kiss my lips. Ashton was standing in the room now. He patted Cameron on the back. "Call me later, man."

  Ashton walked him out. They were gone for a few minutes, and I could only imagine what they were saying. Peeking out the window, I saw the two of them hug. Cameron got in his car to leave. Ashton lifted his arm to his face to wipe his eyes, he'd been crying again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  This was one of the first times I’d really looked around Ashton's house. He had paintings on the wall and each one had his signature on them. On the table next to the couch was a picture of me from the day at the Frist Center. It was a picture of me laughing, though I didn’t remember him taking it.

  On the fireplace mantel were more pictures of me. It was the series of pictures of me getting ready for the handstand on top of the concrete ball. It surprised me that all his pictures were of me, or of us together. I guessed I expected there to be a shrine to Addy, but I couldn’t find a single picture of her.

  The next picture was on the coffee table. Ashton and I were making goofy faces at the camera with our heads pressed together. I laughed loudly.

  Ashton came in at that moment and said, "I love that picture of us, it's one of my favorites."

  I waved him over to me.

  "Let's sit down, I need to tell you something," Ash said.

  I followed him to the couch, he took my hand and held it. “You and I, Gracie, we’re forever. I know that in my heart. If you’re not ready for this, right now, I’ll let you go, because I know we’ll be back together soon. Don’t shut me out completely though. If all we can be is friends, I’ll accept that and I won’t push. You mean too much to me. I don’t want to live each day without you a part of my life, in some way. I’ll be the best friend you’ve ever had if that’s all you want from me.”

  I squeezed his hand in mine. “No one has ever said anything that means more to me than that.”

  His face scrunched up in sadness and he dropped his gaze from mine. I lifted his chin to face me; his eyes were glossy with tears.

  “Being friends with you is amazing in itself, but it about destroyed my heart. I know what I want in life…it’s you, Ash. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I knew that before I met you. When I met you, I thought it was life’s cruel joke. The perfect man, everything I ever wanted, who would never want me. Instead, it was fate making my dreams come true. Who am I to argue with fate? With you, nothing seems impossible anymore. I’d be an idiot to turn away from you. I’ve been an idiot for too long, Ash. This is what I need, what I want, what I desire, more than anything else in life.”

  He exhaled. "Good, cause I'm not sure I could let you go."

  I smiled and kissed him softly. "Me either."

  He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "You look tired." I said to him.

  He yawned, "Yeah, I haven’t slept in two days. I'll be fine, though. I want to spend time with you." Ashton put his arms around me, holding me close to him.

  "We have all the time in the world, Ash. I'll lay down with you if you don’t mind."

  He chuckled, "I can't sleep anymore without you there."

  He took my hand and led me to the bedroom. He turned his back to me and lifted his shirt off. I placed my palms against his skin. His body relaxed at my touch. I moved my hand across his shoulder blades, slowly. I pressed my lips against his back, as I moved my hands to the front of his chest.

  "Gracie," he protested.

  I shushed him and said, "I discovered that as long as I lead, I can stay calm."

  My splayed fingers rested on his chest as I continued planting kisses on his back. He didn’t move, I could feel his breathing increase. My palms slid down his front, caressing his skin. My fingers wrapped around his belt buckle. I unfastened his belt, unbuttoned his jeans, and slid his zipper down. He was letting me go as far as I wanted, without pushing, and I loved him for that.

  His face was reflected in the mirror to the right of us. His eyes were closed and his lips were turned up slightly. I slid his jeans down to the floor. I kissed the back of his strong muscular calves and ran my hands up the front of his legs. When I stood again, my palms were resting on the front of his hips. He was dressed in only boxer briefs now. He turned to
face me; my lips moved to his chest while his fingers ran through my hair. I pulled back from him.

  Our eyes met as I stood back from him and unbuttoned my blouse. He bit his bottom lip and sucked in a breath watching the shirt slide off my shoulders. Moving down to my jeans, I unfastened them as he watched me, intently.

  We were both standing in our underwear now. I stepped closer to him; his hands moved to my hips. His head dipped down, his mouth inches from mine. "Are you sure?"

  I breathed out, "Yes, please."

  Ashton's lips met mine as his hands slid up my back. He unhooked my bra, sliding it off my arms. He lifted me up, carrying me to the bed. His hands traveled down my sides; I arched my back aching for him. His fingers grabbed the waistband of my panties. He slid them off slowly, then stood and removed his shorts.

  Ashton slid into the bed beside me. He pressed his mouth against my cheek. "I'll stop anytime you want. Tell me if it's too much."

  He moved his body over mine, propping himself up on his arms above me. There was no fear, no trepidation of the future. My body didn’t tense at this touch. This moment was full of bliss and nothing else. There was no pain this time. I leaned my head back as he dipped his mouth to taste my skin.

  After hours of pleasure, we collapsed to the bed exhausted. Ashton curled up against my back.

  He pulled the blanket up over me, kissed my shoulder and said, "Goodnight, bug, I love you."

  We were so exhausted we fell asleep in no time. I slept better than I had in forever.

  When I finally did wake up, I realized we had slept for over ten hours. Ash was laying on his stomach beside me. The sheet draped low on his hips. He looked beautiful lying there so peacefully. He never stirred as I kissed his lower back. He was still sound asleep.

  I slid out of bed and slipped on his t-shirt. I was going to make us both a nice meal. My stomach growled loudly.

  In his kitchen, I found all the ingredients I needed to make lasagna. Once it was prepared, and in the oven, I gathered the ingredients for a salad.