Charged for His Sins

by Natavia

  “UMMMMMM!” I groaned.

  He slightly wrapped his hand around my neck and my nails dug into his buttocks. He whispered in my ear how deep he wanted to be inside of me and it caused a tsunami between my thighs. I dug my nails into his back while he fucked me against the wall.

  “Damn shorty I love you!” Zu groaned. His grunts in my ear were turning me on. I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth to keep from screaming out. My knees buckled and my toes cracked as I reached my climax. The picture of us on his wall in the hallway fell on the floor and shattered. I was on my second orgasm which was more intoxicating than the first one. I was dizzy from his loving as if it was a drug. He sucked on my neck as he exploded inside of me. Afterward we took a shower and I climbed into bed with him. I laid on his chest and he massaged my breasts.

  “We are going to get married,” Zu blurted out.

  “You keep saying that,” I giggled.

  “I can feel it when I’m around you. I know I got a lot of life ahead of me but I can feel that shit,” he said.

  “I’ll say yes if you ever ask,” I replied.

  “Shiddddd, your ass better. I’m going to wait until we both are finished with school, so that way we ain’t gotta worry about being stressed out,” he replied. I kissed his lips before I went to sleep. I had everything a girl my age could ask for despite what Adisa’s dad did to me. I had to look on the brighter side because he could've killed me. Karma was a bitch and I was going to let her handle it for me. I was determined to live my life. I had my first love back in my life and I had great friends. In my eyes, I was on the right path, but something told me to tell Zu what Adisa’s father did to me. Every time I wanted to tell him I couldn’t. I was too embarrassed because my irresponsibility is what caused it to happen in the first place. I should've known better than to drink and drive. I prayed my secret went to the grave with me.

  12. Adisa

  April 2005

  F or the past six weeks, it felt as though I lived on my own. Yavin came home two weeks ago and Samiah had to take over his care after her classes. Miss Mariah made sure she wasn’t scheduled for work when Samiah had to be in class, so one of them could be home with Yavin. I could’ve gone to Miss Mariah’s house with Samiah but I couldn’t see the child York had with another woman yet. It also scared me that whenever I saw Yavin he would remind of what the baby I aborted by York could’ve been. There were times when out of the blue I found myself wondering what he or she would’ve been like. I knew I couldn’t avoid the baby forever just like I couldn’t avoid my feelings for York. Maybe I should treat it like a band-aid; rip it off really quickly to get it over with.

  My phone vibrated and pulled me from my thoughts, there were three text messages waiting for me. One was from Samiah and the other two were from Jaz, I checked the one from Samiah first.

  Samiah:

  I’m spending the weekend at Zu’s but I’ll be back Sunday afternoon and we can spend the rest of that day together. Plan something for us to do. It feels like I haven’t spent time with you in foreva.

  Samiah was always spending time with Zu so that wasn’t anything new, but I was shocked about her spending Sunday with me.

  When Samiah and I did see each other it was like she was either walking in the house as I walked out and vice versa. I didn’t hang out with Faraji much because she went to work straight from school. She gave Cayman all of her free time whenever she had it and that wasn’t much. Emeka and I saw each other more because we both still worked at, Hippy Daisies. Samiah had to quit to help take care of Yavin. York made sure Hoppa and Zu gave her enough money to live off of for helping take care of his son.

  Jaz:

  Mr. Stovie invited me to a convention this weekend with him and your father. He promised me the paralegal job in his office but I have to go to the convention with them.

  Jaz:

  Your mom just called your father. She’s on her way to your apartment.

  I rolled off my bed as soon as I read the last message and headed straight for my purse. My destination was unknown, but my goal was clear, get out of the house before my mother got there. Dealing with my mother drained me and made me want to pull all of my hair out and scream.

  Miss Mariah was my mother in my eyes. She gave me my work ethic and made me realize that I didn’t have to depend on my parent’s money if I worked hard for my own.

  “I was just about to knock,” my mother said as soon as I opened the front door. I almost died inside. She brought company with her. The peppermint smelling hag brought the family’s chef with her.

  “Hi, mother.”

  Dearest.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I’m here to help you with your diet. Jaz showed me a picture of the two of you and I couldn’t help but to clutch my pearls. Honey, you gained more weight. I’m so worried about you, darling. Jaz is a respectable young man with a brilliant future ahead of him. Don’t you want to be his wife? You can’t be his wife looking like that. You’ll look like a wedding cake in a white dress. Trevor will provide you with six, small healthy meals a day until you’re healthy.” Rage bubbled up inside of me and I had to take a few deep breaths before I strangled her bulimic ass.

  “Give him an extra key, so he can prepare your meals while you’re in school.” My mother said as she pushed past me and walked into my apartment.

  “I’m sorry you came here but I don’t need a nutritionist. I have a roommate and there is no way I can give anybody a key without talking to her. Furthermore, I wouldn’t give him a key even if I didn’t have a roommate. I don’t need a chef and I for damn sure ain’t losing shit.” The look on my mother’s face was priceless. You would’ve thought she saw me commit murder. Trevor apologized for interrupting my personal space. He grilled my mother before he snatched his food cooler off the floor and stormed away. I bet she told him I knew he was coming. I was surprised Trevor still worked for my parents. He had quit eight times throughout the ten years I’ve known him.

  “I am your mother and you will do as I say. Besides, Samiah can shed a few pounds too. Y’all can do it together. Think of it as free meals for the needy. I know how much the poor like free anything,” she said. It saddened me how much my mother looked down on Samiah because she was from the hood.

  My phone rang and it was right on time. I needed to be distracted from slapping her plastic face.

  “Yes, Miss Mariah.” I answered the phone quickly when I noticed it was her calling.

  “I hate to ask you this at the last minute, but can you watch Yavin for me in the next hour. I was called in for work and lord knows I need the extra money. Samiah won’t be back in time and I don’t trust nobody else to watch Yavin,” she said.

  I wanted to say “no” but I couldn’t because it was Miss Mariah, she had never said “no” to me.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be there in less than thirty minutes.” I had nothing against the baby, but I loved York so much that the situation hurt. It was time for me to put my big girl panties on and accept it because Yavin wasn’t going anywhere. I liked Jaz; he eventually grew on me, but it was something in the way. It was hard to explain but I had a shield in front of my heart and York placed it there. I forgot my mother was standing in front of me until she cleared her throat. My mind always spaced out whenever I thought about York.

  My mother was dressed in a sailor dress with white kitten heels. She had expensive pearls draped around her neck and wrist. Her white beach hat covered her eyes, but I could tell by the frown on her face that she wasn’t too pleased with my apartment.

  “Is that a roach?” she asked. She grabbed her purse as if the roach was going to steal it. I looked in the direction she was looking in and saw an ant. My mother was a snobby bitch, and I couldn’t stand her. I didn’t have any emotional attachments to my mother whatsoever.

  “No, it’s not a roach. It’s actually a rat genius,” I replied. She clutched her pearls and fanned herself.

  “How dare you talk to
me that way! Look at you, Adisa! You are sloppy and your hair is nappy. You look poorer than Samiah and she’s a crack baby from the slums. Me and your father did nothing but give you everything! This apartment reminds me of Goodtimes,” my mother said. I held my fingers on the bridge of my nose to keep from slapping the hell out of her.

  “You want me to be you sooooooo fucking bad! Since I’m so ghetto. How about I drag your ass into the street and stomp your hoe ass out! I’m sick of your mouth. I tolerated it when I was home, but this is my home,” I said. I stood on top of the kitchen table and bent over in my mother’s face. I pulled my yoga pants down and told her to kiss my ass. My parents brought mental issues out of me.

  “I’m a stripper now and I got herpes. I’m a hoe, mother. I need help, hoe! Fuck you and kiss my fat, greasy ass,” I screamed. I had behavior issues when I was younger. I went to numerous of doctors because my parents thought I was crazy. They all told my parents my behavior came from wanting attention. They knew what the issue was and chose not to fix it. I don’t think my issues came from wanting attention anymore. I developed something over the years which caused me to have episodes.

  “I’m calling your doctor right now! Get down from that table! You went to the best etiquette school and you should know better. I will not tolerate this foolishness,” my mother said. She pulled out her cell phone and called my doctor as she stormed out of my apartment. I locked the door behind her before I headed for the shower. After I washed, I moisturized my body. I stood in front of my mirror and admired my body. I gained a few extra pounds. I was even thicker than Sam. Tears fell from my eyes because I felt alone. I missed York because he was the only one who understood me. I thought back to a night where we sat at his apartment and talked, and sex didn’t cross our minds…

  “Sometimes I just want to fly,” I said to York. We were sitting on his balcony while he smoked a blunt.

  “What do you mean fly?” he asked.

  “I have the urge to jump off of something. I feel unloved sometimes. When I was a little girl I just wanted to be loved. My parents treated me like a subject instead of a human. Years ago, my mother paid a plastic surgeon to do surgery on my nose. Although, I wasn’t old enough she did it anyway. She said with my nose I couldn’t get far in life. I felt so ugly York,” I cried. I had a round pudgy nose—a negro nose. A nose that defined the roots of my ancestors and she destroyed it. She destroyed a piece of me that reminded me of who I was; a beautiful black little girl.

  He sat the blunt down and rushed to me. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight.

  “I better not hear you talk like this again. If you die I’m going to be lost myself. On the real Adisa, shorty, you keep me going. We both have so much in common even though we grew up differently. Nobody knows what it’s like to have a crack head father. I use to look up to that nigga when I was a little boy. Most kids around six-years-old looked up to superheroes, but I thought my father was one. I was young but I knew he was a good dude. To see a strong black man, go down gave me less hope for something better as a black man when I got older. The world seems like it’s against us, but really it owes us nothing. On some serious shit though, I think you are the most beautiful little shorty around here. Your parents don’t gotta’ care about you because my mother and sister do. Hell, I care about your crazy ass too. That's why I can’t get serious with you right now. I know I ain’t shit and you don’t deserve what I have to offer right now. Believe it or not, you are going to be the only shorty for me once I leave this life behind. I’m going to take you from your Addam’s Family and spoil your ass. Not materialistically because you’re straight on that. I mean showing you how much you mean to me. I want a better life to make you my wife. You deserve that and much more,” he said.

  Tears fell from my eyes because what he said meant something to me—everything to me. I realized at that moment that I was in love with York. His words were like poetry to me. It was only meant for me to understand because it probably didn’t make sense to anyone else. I loved him and if it wasn’t for him I probably would've committed suicide…

  WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME YORK? I screamed in my head.

  ********

  Forty-minutes later…

  My heart pounded as I walked up the stairs in Miss Mariah’s house. Yavin’s cries grew louder and louder. I had been at Miss Mariahs house for five minutes by myself and still hadn’t laid eyes on Yavin. Although, I knew it wouldn’t truly happen I had found myself praying that he wouldn’t wake up until Miss Mariah got back. And what do you know as soon as I finished that prayer his cries came through the baby monitor. I pushed the door to the room he was in open. My knees almost gave out on me. I felt like the walls were closing in, and his crib looked like it was further than what it was. It was going to take me forever to get there. Those five steps felt like I ran a marathon. I looked down at him as he laid in his crib and he looked up at me. My heart warmed as I stared at the beautiful baby with full jet-black curls. Yavin was so cute, he looked like a girl baby doll. He was a tiny, innocent and defenseless child. We had something in common; we both needed York. I picked him up and cradled him. The warmth from my body soothed his cries, and they turned into light whimpers.

  There was something about those male Y. Simms that made me feel complete.

  “That must be your grandma calling to check on you,” I said to Yavin when the house phone rang. Miss Mariah always called the house phone and never our cell phones when we were at her house for some reason.

  “Hello,” I answered. My heart fluttered as the operator told me I had a collect call from “York” and asked if I wanted to accept it. I quickly pressed the button and waited for the call to connect. I hadn’t talked to him in five whole months.

  “Hello,” I said once we were connected.

  “Adisa?” he asked as if he had forgotten my voice.

  “You forgot my voice that easily, huh? Damn, I’m hurt.” I said as I walked into the kitchen to warm Yavin’s bottle.

  “Nah man I’m just shocked to hear your voice answering Ma Dukes phone,” York said.

  “Your mom got called into work and Samiah is with Zu, so I’m watching Yavin,” I told him. I pulled the premade bottle out of the microwave after it stopped. I cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder as I tested the milk temperature on my hand. I wouldn’t had known what to do if Miss Mariah didn’t leave me a list for Yavin’s care.

  “Good lookin’ out. Ma Dukes need to stop working her ass off when I got her.” I could hear the frustration in York’s voice as I put on a pot of water for the spaghetti I was making. I wanted to have dinner ready for his mother when she got home from work.

  “If Miss Mariah just gave in without being strong willed she wouldn’t be your mother. That’s why you and Samiah are steadfast in your beliefs,” I told him. I sat down on the couch with Yavin suckling his bottle.

  “Nah, Ma just stubborn and don’t like to ask for help.” He said then both ends went silent on the phone. I guess we were both scared to move deeper into our conversation. It was an awkward moment.

  “What your baby head ass been up to?” York broke the silence.

  “Um, I’m dating the guy you saw me with at the restaurant last summer,” I replied.

  “I didn’t ask you all of that, shorty. Damn you don’t tell a nigga that while he’s locked up. I know I told you to move on, but I’m not trying to think about that. Are you fucking the nigga too? It’s cool though cause I’m getting you back when I get my life together,” York said.

  I told York to give me a few minutes while I got Yavin situated. I burped Yavin after he finished his bottle. I made sure he wasn’t wet when I laid him in his bassinet in the living room.

  “Boy please, who said I would even take your ass back,” I said when I got back on the phone.

  “Girl, stop frontin’ on me. You know you’ll take me back. Sike naw, but on the real. I can’t give you up to another nigga so easily, especially if I’m present. Have your fun
now, because I’m giving you every bit of me when I come home. I’m giving you backed up prison dick so I hope you will be ready for me.” York was just too cocky sometimes for his own good.

  “We should remain, friends when you come home. I’m not checking for your lyin’ ass anymore,” I lied. I only wanted to knock his ego back a few notches. He knew I couldn’t deny him even if I wanted to. I checked on Yavin again before I went into the kitchen to stir the spaghetti sauce.

  “Mannn, I’m not trying to hear that bullshit shorty. I’m not trippin’ though, just don’t fuck with another nigga like me. I’ll feel some type of way if you went backwards with your life,” York said. I was ready to respond, but someone threw something through the living room window.