Deep is the Heart

by A. V. Zeppa

  “It’s nice to have friends that you can count on. I consider you a good friend.”

  “Thanks. I feel the same way.”

  “I’m glad. I’ve actually been trying to hook up with you, but I haven’t seen you around Hartley. I even stopped by your room the other day to see if you were there, but no one answered.”

  “Sorry about that. It’s just that I’ve been busy getting up to speed with my research team, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend.”

  “I totally understand. What is his name?” Miguel asked.

  “His name is Marco. And please don’t get the wrong idea about me. He’s a new student here too, but we didn’t just meet. We met last year when we were being interviewed. We’ve been going out for nine months.”

  “That’s cool. I understand completely. So I guess I won’t be seeing you other than in this class.”

  “No, it’s not going to be like that at all. Marco and I have a great relationship, and we’ve talked about how we both need to have our own space, and to make new friends, together and separately. I really like you and I’m looking forward to hanging out together.”

  “Same here.”

  “Do you want to meet up later and have dinner together?” David asked.

  “Sure. I have a Literature class at six-thirty, so we’d have to meet before then.”

  “No problem. I have to meet with my research team at seven. How does five sound?”

  “Perfect. I’ll pick you up at your room and we can walk over to Lerner together,” Miguel said. A couple of minutes later the professor walked in and class began.

  CHAPTER 31

  Marco wondered if he should do it. It drove him crazy thinking about it all through class. He finally decided to send the text. “Can you meet me for lunch?”

  He waited for a response while standing outside Philosophy Hall with a huge knot in his stomach. A couple of minutes later he received a reply. “Yeah, that sounds good. Where do you want to meet? And what time?”

  “Let’s meet at Le Monde at two. It’s on the corner of 113th and B’way.”

  “Cool. See you soon ;-)”

  Marco’s hand was visibly shaking as he slipped the phone into his front pocket. Inner turmoil and mixed emotions were starting to get the best of him. He needed to calm down and chill, so he headed over to the steps in front of the library to relax. Once there, he took his sunglasses off and rubbed his eyes. A million thoughts raced through his mind as he watched his hands continue to shake. Get your shit together. Remember, you can handle anything, he told himself, knowing it was true.

  With a little time to kill he started reading Lust, Caution by Eileen Chang. It was the first required reading for his Modern Lit class. Ten minutes into the book a cute girl walked up the steps and sat near him. He didn’t notice, so she decided to get noticed.

  “It’s an unbelievable day, isn’t it?”

  Marco barely looked up. “Definitely. The sun feels great.”

  “I haven’t seen you around campus. Are you a new student?”

  He stopped reading and finally acknowledged her. “Yes I am. And you?”

  “I’m a junior.”

  “Cool. I’m Marco.”

  “Nice to meet you Marco. I’m Nora.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He could tell where the conversation was headed by the look in her eyes.

  She scooted closer. “So, how do you like Columbia so far?”

  “I like it a lot. The campus atmosphere suits me perfectly.”

  “Same here. This is my third year here and I want the whole thing to slow down. It’s going by way too fast.”

  “Yeah, good things always seem to do that. If only we could control time, or even change the past somehow,” Marco said, his mind drifting to one situation in particular.

  “That would be awesome.”

  He looked towards Hartley Hall lost in his thoughts at the exact moment Nora decided to make her move. “Marco, I’d love to get to know you better. Maybe we could go out for dinner sometime.”

  That offer snapped him back to reality. Marco tried to let her down gently. “I’d love to, but I’m seeing someone right now. I hope you understand.”

  “Yeah, totally,” she said, trying not to sound disappointed.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I think you’re nice, and very beautiful, but here’s the thing. I’m gay.”

  Nora’s smile returned. “That is so cool. Maybe we could hang out as friends then.”

  “I’d like that.” They exchanged phone numbers and talked a while longer.

  Marco sat at a table in the outdoor patio of Le Monde checking his messages and soaking in the sun. For some reason he had a slight chill that he couldn’t shake. A few minutes later his confident persona re-emerged when he saw who was walking towards him.

  “Marco, it’s good to see you again. Thanks for inviting me to lunch. It definitely has been a while, hasn’t it?” Jordan said, smiling seductively as he sat down. “You know, I tried texting you a few times last year hoping we could become fuck buddies, but you never responded. How come?”

  Marco glared at him. Jordan looked away for a few seconds, then tried to seduce him again. “You know, I’ve thought about you a lot. I was hoping I would see you around campus so we could continue where we left off.”

  “Jordan, we need to talk about a few things,” Marco said, in a sterile tone.

  “Come on, please don’t be this way. I take it this little lunch is going to be about David instead of us hooking up again.”

  Marco wasn’t about to lower himself to Jordan’s level by responding to his sexual overtures. He had played that game too many times himself. “Yes, this little meeting is about David. I want you to back off. I know what you’re trying to set up. It was written all over your face yesterday. I can still see it.”

  Jordan grinned and then leaned in so no one could hear. “I just want to be friends with him. I mean, he’s really nice, and he’s a fucking genius. He would be a nice addition to my study group. And just for your information, that look on my face yesterday was me thinking back to our night together when I fucked your tight little ass all night long. It was heaven, wasn’t it?”

  Against his better judgment, that night of perfect sex came alive in Marco’s mind. He loved how Jordan took control and humiliated him sexually and emotionally. Being Jordan’s slutty bitch had sent him over the edge multiple times. No one had ever made him feel that good.

  “Jordan, I’m not naive. I want you to back off.”

  “You can’t be jealous of me. Or can you?”

  “That’s not the point at all and you know it.”

  “Then what is the point? I mean, you don’t own him. And what if I do want to ask him out? Are you afraid he might say yes?”

  Marco wanted to beat the shit of him, but needed to keep his cool. “Let’s take a walk so we can talk in private.” He pulled out a fifty and placed it under the empty dish. They walked to Riverside Park and found a row of empty benches and sat down.

  Marco looked at Jordan with conflicted emotions. “Look, I’m serious about you staying away from David.”

  Jordan sat there enjoying his power over the situation. He enjoyed playing mind games with younger guys because it was so easy.

  “Come on Marco, please don’t be like this. I really like you. I won’t hit on David, I promise. There is no way I would want to ruin anything you have with him. That’s why I didn’t say anything yesterday. I’m not heartless you know.”

  “Thanks for keeping us between us.” Marco said, finally relaxing a little.

  “So, how did you and David meet?”

  “We met last year when we were at Columbia for our interviews.”

  “That’s cool.” Jordan started getting crude again. “I can just imagine how fine David is in bed. Is he as good as I think he is?”

  “Please stop. It’s not like that at all. I’m in love with him.”

  “You’re serious, aren�
�t you?” Marco didn’t say a word. “So let me get this straight. You’re in love with David and you’ve changed.”

  “Yeah, I’ve changed. I’m not like you anymore.”

  “So, you’re telling me that you haven’t cheated on him at all? I don’t fucking believe that for a second.”

  “I would never cheat on someone I love,” he reiterated again, trying not to think about the three way he had just before they started dating. Even though they weren’t officially boyfriends, he had in fact cheated on David.

  “I think you’re bullshitting me, but good for you if it’s true.” Jordan changed tactics again. “Marco, you might think you love him, but you probably don’t. And the reason why I say that is because you and I are exactly the same. We love sex, not people. We aren’t capable of loving anyone but ourselves.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “It’s true and you know it. I’m just trying to be honest about who we are. I mean, come on, we picked each other up last year so we could have the best sex of our lives. You loved it. I loved it. We were so into it that you begged me to fuck you raw, and I did because it connected us on an entirely different level.”

  “Fucking bareback was so fucking stupid. I had to get tested for the next six months to make sure you didn’t give me HIV.”

  “I told you that night I was HIV negative. I would never lie about a thing like that.”

  “Well, it was a stupid thing to do anyway.”

  “I guess, but we both loved fucking each other’s brains out. For guys like us, it’s all about having sex with as many guys as we can. We didn’t pretend to love each other, we just gave our bodies what we constantly crave.”

  Marco knew it was true but was doing his best to change because he really did love David. “Yeah, I used to be that way, but I’m not anymore.”

  “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. I fell in love with David the moment I met him. And it had nothing to do with sex.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “It’s true. You mean to tell me that you’ve never been in love with anyone?”

  “No,” Jordan said, even though he was crushing on David.

  “I feel sorry for you.”

  “Please don’t. I’m happy the way I am. At least I’ve accepted it, unlike you.”

  Marco didn’t respond to his taunt. Instead, he took a deep breath and said, “Please stay away from David, ok?”

  “I already told you I won’t hit on him. Can I at least be friends with him in class?”

  Marco thought about it for a few seconds before deciding. He didn’t want David to get upset or suspect anything if Jordan all of a sudden started ignoring him. “Yeah, but that’s as far as I want your friendship to go.”

  “Ok, no problem. And I promise never to say anything about us. You know, maybe we could be friends at some point.”

  “I don’t think that is going to work out.”

  They talked for a few more minutes and then headed back to campus. As soon as they walked through the front gates they went their separate ways.

  CHAPTER 32

  It was 5pm when Miguel knocked on the slightly opened door. David didn’t hear him knock because he was so immersed in homework. Miguel peaked in and saw him working away, so he knocked louder and called his name. David’s body flinched. He turned around and saw Miguel with a slight grin. “Hey, come on in.”

  “I hope I didn’t scare you again.”

  “Nah…Um, yeah you did. Don’t worry though, it’s good for the heart.” David got up and gave him a hug. “Welcome to my home. So, what do you think of my Amsterdam Avenue penthouse?”

  “Regal, yet understated,” Miguel said, in an English accent. They both giggled.

  David watched as Miguel scanned the room and then focused on the wall next to his bed.

  “Impressive. I love your posters.” His eyes went from one galaxy to the next. “I think Sombrero and M51 are my favorites.”

  “Yeah, they are unbelievable. Messie is pretty cool too. But the Milky Way will always be my favorite.”

  Miguel’s eyes veered to a poster next to David’s pillow. It was a picture of the Milky Way peeking through silhouetted treetops. The intensity, the clarity, the subtle colors behind those darkened branches seemed other worldly. Magical. “I love this poster,” he said, pointing to it.

  “I took that picture on the hill behind my house a few weeks ago.”

  “That’s mad crazy. You see this from your backyard?”

  “Yeah. All the time.”

  “I’m so jealous.”

  “Please don’t be. I am officially inviting you to fly home with me on one of our breaks. You have to see this in person to really appreciate it. That hill is my favorite place on earth.”

  “Thanks. I accept your invitation.”

  “Cool.”

  Miguel checked out the music posters next. “Who is Rush?”

  “They’re my favorite rock group. I always listen to them whenever I stargaze. Their songs trigger my mathematical imagination for some reason, allowing my mind to fly through the universe even though my body is still on earth. I know that sounds a little weird, but it’s the truth.”

  “I definitely have to listen to them.”

  “It’s an acquired taste, but once you get hooked, that’s it. The other thing I like about Rush is their decades old friendship.” David pointed to Geddy and Alex. “These two have been friends since middle school. They are the embodiment of true friends. I hope to have that same longevity with my best friend Tyler.”

  “From what you’ve told me about him, I’m sure it will happen.”

  “That’s him,” David said, pointing to a picture of Tyler and him from eighth grade taped to the wall.

  “He’s hot.”

  “Yeah he is,” David lamented, and then changed the subject. “I have an idea. Let’s go to the observatory one night next week. I’ll bring my docking station so we can listen to Rush while we stargaze.”

  “Cool. It’s a date.”

  “What kind of music do you listen to?” David asked, knowing he had dominated the conversation. “I like lots of different styles. I’m really into Sam Smith right now. His voice is so emotional and soulful. And his songs hit my heart in a special way. They tell stories about him being used by the guys he falls in love with. That he is never enough to satisfy them.”

  “They sound really sad.”

  “Yeah, they are. But their sadness is beautiful in a way because at least he knows where he stands. I just hope he finds that special guy someday.”

  David got quiet as he thought about all of his lonely years. How it became so unbearable at times. “I know the feeling,” he said, almost in a whisper.

  “Me too, unfortunately.”

  “Are you ready to get some dinner?” David asked, as he glanced at the picture of him and Tyler smiling away.

  “Yeah, I’m starving.”

  They headed to Lerner and were lucky enough to get a table near the windows so they could people watch. During dinner their conversation began to reveal analogous life parallels, even though they had grown up in radically different environments. Both of them were passionate about math, physics, cosmology, music, and philosophy. Both had the courage to come out in spite of the consistent hatred shown by their communities against gay people. David couldn’t believe how good it felt to be openly gay, to have gay friends, and to live in a city and attend a college that genuinely supported the gay community. Miguel agreed, telling David how Manhattan was light years ahead of the Bronx when it came to LGBTQ people.

  Their conversation turned a bit darker when they decided to share their coming out stories. Each story revealed deep psychological wounds that lay hidden under the surface. Insidious monsters from the past, like a dormant virus striking at will, sent untold fear coursing through their veins every now and then. They could see it in each other’s eyes as they shared their stories. Miguel went first. “I came out at school about a ye
ar ago, and that’s when everything got mad intense. Then, a couple of days later I came out to my mom. She fuckin went crazy and hurt me real bad.” The sadness in Miguel’s voice made David shiver. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  “It is what it is I guess.”

  “I don’t mean to bring up bad memories, but what did she do to you?”

  Miguel stopped eating and looked straight ahead, his eyes filling with tears. David felt terrible.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “It’s ok. Talking about it helps me deal with it. She beat the shit out of me so bad that I ended up in the hospital. I had a broken nose, a fractured cheekbone, three cracked ribs, and bruises all over my body. My right eye was swollen shut for over a week, and my left eye was seventy percent swollen shut. Fortunately my retinas weren’t damaged.”

  David was horrified. He couldn’t believe a mom could ever inflict that kind of brutality on their own child just because they were gay. “I’m so sorry.” David gently rubbed Miguel’s back, trying to comfort him as tears ran down his cheeks. Miguel gave a half smile. “Hey, everything is good now,” he said, wiping his eyes. “There was a silver lining in the whole thing. She was arrested, and my sister and I were finally taken out of that nightmare. My mom is really messed up. She’s a drug addict and an alcoholic. The perfect combination for terror. After I got out of the hospital I went to live with my boyfriend Gabriel and his mom.”

  “I’m glad you’re safe now.”

  “So am I. Gabriel’s mom is my legal guardian, so I never have to worry about my mom hurting me ever again. My sister lives with our aunt in Brooklyn, so she’s safe too.”

  “That’s good to hear. So, tell me about your boyfriend.”

  Miguel’s face lit up.. “I love Gabriel more than anything. He’s the nicest guy you could ever meet.”

  David understood completely. “Being in love is the best feeling in the world, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I’m lucky to have him in my life.”

  “Is Gabriel in college too?”

  “No, he’s a sophomore at my old high school. You have to meet him the next time he comes to visit me.”