Confidentiality

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  "Oh, dear, you shouldn't spend your time thinking about that. Don't let it take any more of your time, and don't let it get between you and your husband."

  "I know it's foolish, I just kind of want to know… maybe it's all of those Snapped episodes I watch… it seems like the suspect is always right in front of your nose. But, if the FBI can't figure it out, why should I think I could?"

  "Soon, it will be old news, and no one will be thinking about it."

  "Maybe… but there are still some unsolved serial killer cases out there… like the Zodiac Killer has never been found, but they're still talking about the case… even still working on it."

  "My, my, you really have been obsessing about this." She let out a little laugh. "The Zodiac Killer… the names they come up with are a crime of their own."

  "Yeah, some of them are pretty awful, but that's how they get their notoriety."

  "You really do need a hobby." She flashed a quick smile. "Let Tim and the guys work on the case… just trust them to do their job. You have so much other stuff to worry about."

  "Hmm… yeah… you're right. It's just fascinating… this time the bad guys are the ones being killed, not the innocent… well, if you look at it that way."

  We arrived at the rehab in less time than I thought. Norma took my hand and led me into the building. I let her take the lead while I stayed in her shadow. They gave us her room number and a quick point and nod to head us in the direction of her room.

  Norma knocked on the door while I waited in the hall for her to make sure the room was empty. Gram was alone, watching TV. "Hi, Marianne, I have a visitor for you." Norma pulled me into the room.

  "Valerie, what a nice surprise." I felt the joy in her words.

  "Hi, Gram. I couldn't wait to see you, how are you feeling?"

  "Well, they have me on a lot of pain pills… so… I'm doing pretty good."

  "When do you get to go home?"

  "I don't think Elaine is going to let me go back home. She's already started packing up my apartment."

  Norma put her hand on my back to tame the anger circling me. "She can't do that… she…"

  "I'm afraid she can. But don't get upset… it's probably for the best."

  "You can come live with Tim and me."

  "That's a nice offer… I'll think about it."

  "I'll be by to visit more… you're closer now." I took her hand in mine.

  "I'd love that, Valerie. But don't you worry about me. I don't hate it here. There are a few cute nurses, too." She winked at Norma.

  "I'm glad you're doing so well, Marianne. Would it be okay if I came by to visit, too?"

  "That would be lovely. It does get lonely sometimes."

  "So, Mom and Chad don't come to visit?"

  She shook her head. "No, she only came to sign the paperwork and left. It's further away from her now… so I don't expect to see her again… before I die."

  "Gram…"

  "What?" She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm old… it's only a matter of time…"

  "You're sure you're happy here? Is there anything you want or need?"

  "No, dear. I'm fine. Don't you worry about me." She squeezed my hand. "I love you, Valerie. You've always been my special girl." She paused as she searched for the right words. "I know about Gabe… who his father is."

  I felt this morning's breakfast burn my throat, and I squeezed my eyes to fight back the tears. "What do you mean?"

  "He looks just like him… Chad… I'm so sorry I didn't protect you."

  "He looks like Chad? I don't see it."

  "Good, and don't you go looking for it, either. I wasn't sure… not until Elaine started giving me hell for seeing you… and then that's when everything clicked."

  "Did you tell her… that I found him?"

  "No… I don't want her knowing anything about you. She doesn't deserve to know. What she did to you is unforgivable. I don't blame you one bit for taking off."

  "I should have told you."

  "Nonsense. You did what you had to. I don't hold it against you. You're a good girl, Valerie. I need you to promise me you'll enjoy the rest of your life… don't let anyone steal anything from you ever again."

  "She turned into a wonderful woman. You have a lot to be proud of." Norma put her arm around me.

  "I am so proud of you. You've overcome so much." She gave me a Cheshire Cat grin. "I met with my lawyer the other day and changed my will." Her smile continued to grow. "I took Elaine's name off and put yours in its place. She won't know until it's too late to change it. I'm leaving everything to you and Tim. That should be enough to make sure you're taken care of for the rest of your life."

  "I don't want to think about that…"

  "Oh, Valerie. Don't you worry about me. I'll be able to die knowing you'll never have another financial problem. Quit your job, travel, have a family… do whatever it is that will make your heart happy. That's what's important in this life."

  "I love you, Gram."

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  I logged onto my Facebook as soon as I returned home. I had a message waiting for me. When I opened it, I saw Earl had changed his profile picture, and the green dot showed me he was active. My fingers shook as I held my iPad.

  "Let's get to know each other."

  I started typing my response. My breathing was shallow and every noise forced me to look over my shoulder. Tim could not know. I had to be careful. Everything I wrote, I deleted, just like before. I responded with a wink emoji. It said what I couldn't find the words for.

  The little bubbles showed up on the screen, alerting me he was responding. "I'll show you mine… if you show me yours."

  I forced a swallow, my tongue blocking my airway. Gross… he can't be serious. I waited to reply… not knowing how to answer. A photo of his penis filled my screen. It took everything I had not to throw up. Why do men think their manhood is attractive? Even if it wasn't his, it would be the last thing I would want a picture of.

  "Your turn."

  I didn't want to comply, but I didn't want to risk losing his attention. I opened up a browser and searched for pictures of breasts. I took a screenshot of a pair and sent them to him. I waited for his reaction.

  "WOW!! I want to taste those beauties."

  Repulsed, I sent a smiley face. It was all I had in me. "Where do you live?"

  "Lawrenceville. You?"

  "Same. Whereabouts?"

  "I'm staying with my mom, helping her out."

  "That's sweet of you."

  "Yup."

  "If you live at your mom's, how could we meet?"

  "I've got a camp in the woods we could use."

  "Ohhh… that sounds nice. Where is it?"

  "Down Oak Alley. A friend owes me a favor. Nice and private."

  "Perfect. When do you want to get together?"

  "Right now."

  "No… I can't today… maybe this weekend."

  "YES!!!"

  I closed out of the app and took a shower. I needed to clean the filth off my skin. I didn't want to touch him, but I knew I would have to. It was the only way. He was eager to meet, and I had to capitalize on the opportunity. As I washed my hair, I played through how the events would take place. It was black. Every time I tried to pull it up in my mind, nothing came. I knew it must be because it felt wrong going behind Tim's back, but it wasn't because I wanted to do it. I had to do it.

  When I shut off the blow dryer, I heard Tim and Gabe joking around in the kitchen. They were sharing a pizza, Gabriel at their feet looking for treats. "Go ahead, tell her." Tim nodded his head in my direction.

  "Tell me what?" I picked up a slice of pizza and took a bite.

  "I came up with the perfect name… wait for it…" He smiled and turned his head to look for Tim's approval. "The Executioner."

  "Oh… good one. Did you come up with it on your own?"

  "Yeah… every guy died by a shot to the head… so it was like execution style… get it?"

  "Yes, that's very
clever. Good work."

  "But what's even better… Tim had someone interview me."

  I turned to look at Tim. "He did?"

  "Yeah, I have a friend who owed me a favor… I thought it might be helpful to add interest to the case. I mean, it can't hurt."

  "Hmm… sounds like you two had a productive day."

  "Yeah, it was one of the best days. Thanks for the great idea." Gabe picked up the last slice and tossed a pepperoni to Gabriel.

  "So, you still want to be a cop?" I asked Gabe.

  He nodded with his mouth full of pizza. "Uh, huh." He wiped his mouth with his paper towel. "And, they offered me a job here, after police academy."

  "Really? And…"

  "And I think I'm going to take it. Tim said it'd be okay if I stayed here with you guys until I find a place."

  I placed my hand on my heart. "Well, that's the best news I've heard. I'd love to have you stay with us… and no hurry to get your own place. I love… we love having you here."

  I went to sleep with a mind and heart full of hope and dread. The future was so bright, but the path to get there was dark. With the darkness comes light. I must remember that. I settled into Tim's arms, knowing I was safe and life was good. If only at that moment, it was enough to fuel me for another day.

  My phone woke me up out of a deep sleep. I felt for it on the nightstand, dropping it before I was able to answer it. "Hello?"

  "Val… it's Lily… he got to her." Maggie's voice was in a whisper.

  "What? How?" I sat up.

  "She got a call, and she took off… she said she had to go see a friend, but when she got home, her face was all busted up."

  "Where is she now?"

  "She's in the shower, getting cleaned up."

  "Did you call the cops?"

  "No… she doesn't want to… she said he'd kill her."

  I thought about my plans for the weekend and knew he couldn't go back to jail. "Okay… are you safe? Does he know where she's staying?"

  "She said he didn't follow her."

  "Okay… make sure all the doors are locked, windows, too."

  Maggie's breathing filled the silence. "But, Val… why did she go see him? I don't get it."

  "I don't know… it's hard sometimes to break free. We just have to listen to her wishes and be there for her. She needs to know she can trust you."

  Maggie sighed. "I know… it's just hard… I don't want to see her get hurt."

  "I know… I don't, either. Are you sure you're okay?"

  "Yeah… I just wanted to tell someone... in case…"

  "Maggie, just make sure everything is locked up tight. Do you have the pepper spray I gave you?"

  "Mhmm."

  "Keep that with you at all times. Do you need me to come over?"

  "No, not tonight."

  Tim continued to snore, the call hadn't woken him. I wouldn't have to tell him. I didn't want him or anyone to know what happened and risk Earl going back to jail. My plan couldn't be carried out if he were in jail. Just two more days.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Gabe went home for the weekend to tell Beth and Paul about the job offer and pick up some of his things. I still couldn't believe he wouldn't be leaving, at least not for long. It would give us more time together, and he may even have a little brother or sister he would be able to get to know. We would be able to be a family.

  As Gabe's car was out of sight, Tim handed me my phone when I walked back in the door. I glanced down at the display. "Hi, Maggie, is everything okay?"

  "Umm, well… do you think you could come over?"

  "Sure. I'll be right there."

  I gave Tim a kiss and took the drive to Norma's. It was becoming a drive I could do with my eyes closed. That was the one good thing about Lawrenceville, it only took ten minutes to get from one side of town to the other. Days like today, I was grateful for that.

  Maggie opened the door before I could take the keys out of the ignition. It looked like she hadn't slept, and she was still in her robe. "Hey, thanks for coming."

  "What's going on? Is Lily okay?"

  "She's inside… she's a mess."

  When I entered the house, I saw Lily curled up on the couch with a blanket covering her head. I couldn't see her face, but I heard her crying. "Hey, Lily." I bent down and rubbed her back through the blanket. "Do you want to talk?"

  "Not really."

  "Okay, well, I'll just sit here until you're ready." I sat on the floor with my back against the coffee table.

  Norma came in and handed me a cup of tea, she gave me a half-smile and sat in the chair next to us. She stayed silent as we listened to Lily cry.

  "You know, Lily, we're not here to judge you. We just want to make sure you're okay. If being with Earl is what you want, we want to support you." Maggie opened her eyes as wide as she could, and shook her head, shrugging her shoulders in my direction. I held my index finger to my lips. "Remember, you're not in this alone. You have us now."

  Lily's sobs quieted and she uncovered her head. Her left eye was swollen shut and purple, a black and blue shadowed her nose, falling onto her cheek. I coughed to hide the gasp, wanting to escape. "I had to go…"

  "It's okay, Lily."

  "He said if I didn't go, he'd kill my new friends. I didn't want him to find you and hurt you. I figured he wouldn't want to come after any of you if he got to me."

  "How did he find you?" Maggie asked.

  "He sent me a text… I forgot to get a new number."

  "Where did you go to see him?" I got up from the floor and joined Lily on the couch.

  "I walked to his mom's house… it's only a couple streets over. When he sent me those messages, I just got so scared… he said he knew where I was, and if I didn't go to him, he'd find me."

  "Did his mom see you?" I asked as I tried to replay the timeline of our conversation over in my head.

  "No, she was sleeping. She's hard of hearing, so I don't think she even heard anything. He covered my mouth while he raped me, so I couldn't scream."

  "Oh my god, Lily, he raped you, too?" Tears filled Maggie's eyes.

  "I didn't want to tell you last night… you were already so upset. I felt so stupid for going to him… it's just that… I didn't know what else to do." She hung her head.

  Disgust and shame took turns slapping me when I thought about the photo I sent Earl earlier in the night. It was the perfect storm to turn Lily into his sex slave. I shook my head to push the guilt away. "Lily, it's not stupid. You were afraid… you did what you thought you had to do to protect your friends." I looked over at Norma, she was just staring ahead, sipping her tea. I couldn't tell if she was upset or just not awake after a sleepless night.

  "I am stupid… I should have gotten a new number or at least blocked his number. I could have called the cops. I could have told one of you… but I didn't do any of that."

  "That's not stupid… do you know how many times it takes to break free from an abusive asshole like Earl?" I looked to see her shake her head no. "Seven. Seven times. What you did last night was normal, not stupid."

  "Seven times? Really?"

  "Yeah… it's not easy to break free. All those old habits are hard to break. When you're used to being treated like a piece of shit, it's hard to accept there is anything else out there. But, Lily… you deserve so much more. You're beautiful and funny and talented. You're the best baker I've ever met… you have such big dreams… and you deserve them… you deserve to be happy and loved… and you deserve to be safe."

  Lily pushed the tears off the unbruised cheek and flinched with pain as her sleeve brushed against her face. "I don't even love him… it's just that I don't love myself, either."

  "Oh, don't I know what that's like." I brushed my tears away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. "But you know what… I love you, Lily… we all do… and we'll love you enough for you, too, until you're able to see who we see when we look at you." I looked up at Norma and Maggie. "You know how I know this? Because that's what
these ladies did for me. They showed me I was worth loving. It's not easy… but you know what… life has gotten so much better since I started loving myself."

  "I'm really sorry I…"

  "You don't have to be sorry. Val's right, we do love you and we won't stop." Maggie sat on her hands to keep from fidgeting. "It just hurt me to see you in so much pain, and I was afraid he might have followed you back here."

  "I just wasn't thinking… but he fell asleep after he was done with me. I waited until I knew he was out cold before I snuck out. I lied about who I was staying with. I didn't want to put any of you in danger."

  "That was smart." I nodded. "See, you're resourceful, too."

  "I just can't go to the police…"

  "That's okay… I understand. You know him best, and you know what will keep you safe. Sometimes the things we do don't make sense to anyone else, but all that matters is we know why we do what we do. It's almost like a landmine… we know where not to step to survive, but if someone else came in, and they took a wrong step… everything is blown to hell."

  "That makes a lot of sense, Val. I never knew how to put it into words before… but that's true. Sometimes it felt safer to get the beatings because at least I knew what to expect. When the cops get involved, I lose control of the situation, and even though they're there to help, I know when they leave, it's going to be ten times worse."

  "I'm glad you're safe, dear." Norma broke her silence but still didn't make eye contact with any of us.

  I wondered if Norma knew what Lily had gone through. If maybe her story had pieces of Lily's in it. I couldn't tell if that was it or if she was upset about what had happened. It was evident the abuse would escalate. It was only a matter of time before Lily wouldn't be walking back home. She wouldn't be walking at all.

  I had to hold Earl off until Sunday. It would be the only day Tim wouldn't notice me missing. I only needed a couple hours, and it would be over. Lily would be safe, and she could start living. She'd never be free as long as she was under his spell. With each passing minute, I was looking forward to breaking it.

  When I got home, I couldn't tell Tim any of what we talked about. I hated the secrets, but it would be the last one; it had to be. I didn't want to bring a baby into these unsafe situations. Even now, there was a slight chance I could already be pregnant. I just couldn’t take the test until Monday. Nothing could get in the way of this… there was no choice this time.