If I Forget You

by Michelle D. Argyle

  18

  The hardest thing about Avery’s mother’s birthday was how empty it felt now that her dad was gone. It didn’t matter that her mom had told Avery not to worry about celebrating it, or even remembering it anymore. It didn’t matter that her dad had been deployed during several of her birthdays in the past. It came no matter what. Just like her dad’s birthday. Just like the anniversary of his death.

  When Avery rolled over in bed Saturday morning her heart felt heavy with grief. She slid her eyes past the picture of her dad and the marlin to the neatly wrapped present she’d bought for Chloe last night. She had picked out a picture frame—probably the most boring, thoughtless gift she’d ever chosen. But inside the card taped to the front she’d written that she was going to hire a photographer to take a picture of her and Chloe together, aunt and niece, because there were no photos of her and Chloe on the already cluttered walls. It had literally been the only thing Avery could think of to buy her last night. Jordan said it was a thoughtful gift.

  Padding into the kitchen, Avery wasn’t surprised to see Chloe busy making breakfast, just like any other Saturday.

  “I should make you breakfast today,” Avery said, yawning as she sat down at the table and poured herself a glass of orange juice.

  Chloe shrugged and slid a muffin from the tin she’d just pulled from the oven. “You know I love cooking for you.”

  Avery smiled. Her mother liked to cook too, but not with as much enthusiasm as Chloe. She wondered if they even called each other on their birthday.

  “Honey butter or peach jam?” Chloe asked as she split the muffin with a butter knife.

  “The butter sounds good.”

  A moment later, Chloe set the plate in front of Avery and sat down with a cup of coffee. “What are your plans today? School work or more dates?”

  Avery realized those were pretty much the only things she ever did lately. She took a big bite of muffin, wondering when the right time would be to give Chloe her present. She swallowed. “I thought we could spend the day together after I call Mom. Maybe we could go into town and you can show me some of your favorite places?”

  Chloe’s eyebrows went up. “No dates, then?”

  “Nope. It’s your day today.”

  “My day?” She took a long sip from her coffee, looking confused. “What do you mean? It’s just another Saturday.”

  Another birthday ignorer. So be it.

  Finishing her muffin, Avery wiped her mouth with a napkin and stood up to make herself a cup of coffee. “So? We can still spend the day together, right?”

  “I’d like that … if you’re really sure about it. I mean, the only places you’ve wanted to be seen with me are the supermarket and campus.”

  Avery paused in the middle of grating her nutmeg. She hadn’t thought of it that way, but Chloe was right. She’d been living here for a month now and she hadn’t once asked Chloe to take her anywhere.

  “School’s been busy, that’s all,” Avery explained, finishing with the nutmeg.

  “Not to mention the boys,” Chloe laughed.

  “I’ve only been on two dates. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  Actually, it was a huge deal, but she was sure Chloe already knew that.

  “I suppose not, but I’m happy you want to spend time with your boring old aunt.”

  “Then what should we do today? You pick.” She almost added, “since it’s your birthday,” but decided to keep it low-key. They’d get to that later.

  “Maybe lunch downtown? Some shopping?” Chloe’s eyes looked brighter and brighter every second. Avery sat down and sipped at her coffee, her heart warming up at the sight. Chloe was so easy to please. Unlike her mom, who was picky about too many things.

  Chloe clapped her hands together. “Maybe after that we’ll head over to Bainbridge Island for dinner. There’s a new art museum there, and some great bookstores. We could see a movie. You in the mood for that?”

  Avery smiled. “Anything you want, Chloe. Let me go call Mom and then we can get going.”

  In her bedroom, she changed her clothes and sat in front of her closet to look for a pair of shoes as she waited for her mom to answer the phone.

  “Hey, Avery!”

  “Hi, Mom. So, I, uh … I forgot to send you something for today.” Avery pushed aside a pair of boots and looked for her favorite striped flats.

  “For today?” her mom laughed. “What do you mean?”

  Her heart sinking, she grabbed the flats and set them in her lap. “Your birthday. I was going to send you a card, but I forgot to do it in time. I know you hate your birthday and everything, but I—”

  “Honey, my birthday is next Saturday.”

  There was a long pause as Avery let the information seep in.

  “Oh, honey, you’re so cute when you mix up your dates,” her mom said.

  More silence. Avery didn’t know what to say. How could she have been so stupid? All that worrying over nothing when she’d had a whole extra week to get a card sent off and buy something for Chloe. Why hadn’t she checked it on her phone calendar? She had only written “Saturday” on the Post-it reminder, which had been thrown out with the others. Of course she’d mixed it all up.

  “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Did you do something for Chloe too?”

  “I bought her a present, but I haven’t given it to her yet.”

  “Then she’ll never know you got it wrong, right?”

  Her mother was taking on the tone Avery had loved growing up—the tone that said it was okay for her to make mistakes and feel stupid because it would all work out in the end. Now, however, she resented it with every fiber of her being. She didn’t want it to be okay. Getting stuff wrong like this—over and over and over—wasn’t okay.

  She quickly changed the subject, and after fifteen minutes of talking about school and her mom’s new illustration project, she said goodbye and slipped on her favorite pair of flats. At least, she’d thought they were her favorite. Halfway through Bainbridge Island she had blisters on her heels.

  * * *

  For the next week, Avery concentrated on school and nothing else. It was difficult to hold everything together without her notebooks and Post-its. She had her class notebooks, of course—she couldn’t survive school without those—but when it came to social things, she’d completely given up writing anything down.

  Kent sat next to her in class on Monday and they had some sort of conversation she had forgotten by Friday. She studied with Owen on Tuesday and Thursday, taking advantage of the nice weather to eat hot dogs beneath the cherry trees. She couldn’t remember much of those conversations either—only that Owen was trying really hard not to give her the impression that he wanted more than friendship. She knew he wanted more, but keeping him at a distance was for his own good. Deep down she knew she’d already chosen Jordan. Her relationship with him was like riding on the back of his bike. It was new and exciting and scared the hell out of her at the same time. The most frightening thing of all was how badly she wanted more.

  But then she would remember Callie and it would all slip away.

  She couldn’t hurt him, and she knew without a doubt that her forgetfulness would hurt him somewhere down the line, no matter how much he said he understood. It was as inevitable as rain in Seattle. Her only hope was to fix her forgetfulness, something she’d at least taken the first step toward by throwing away all those notebooks. Her brain was a muscle. She’d train it to remember, and then maybe, just maybe, things could work with Jordan.

  She smiled to herself as she walked up the stairs to her biology class on Friday. This was where she had run into him two weeks ago, where she’d been mortified that her Post-its had stuck to his leg. It made her laugh now, and she was thrilled by how much she remembered from that encounter. She remembered the cactus, his filed fingernails, how nervous he’d seemed when he asked her to his party.

  Reaching the top of the stairs, she looked down the h
all and paused. Her smile fell as she saw Tam leaning against the wall, right next to Avery’s classroom door.

  “Tam.” Avery gritted her teeth. Acknowledge her and walk into class. Easy.

  “Hey, wait.” Tam grabbed Avery’s arm.

  Avery stopped in her tracks. Class would start in three minutes and she didn’t want to be late. “I don’t want to talk to you,” she growled, ripping free from Tam’s hold. “You made it clear you don’t want anything to do with me since I’m ‘still the same old Avery.’”

  She should have gone into class, but curiosity got the best of her and she waited for a response. Tam looked like she always looked. Long eyelashes. Dark eyeliner. It was maddening how good she looked. Put together and confident, as usual.

  “I’m sorry I said that,” Tam said, glancing at the floor. “I’m sorry about everything our senior year. I feel bad about all of it, even if you made mistakes too.”

  Avery adjusted the strap on her shoulder and shifted her weight. It was true that she’d made mistakes. She’d kissed Ryan—right in front of Tam, no less. It was a cold, hard fact. “What are you saying?”

  Tam shrugged. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

  “That’s it?” Avery tilted her head and folded her arms. It was something she thought she’d never hear from Tam. “Apology accepted. I’m sorry too, for what it’s worth. Ryan liked both of us. It was a bad situation.”

  “Yeah, it was.” Tam let out a heavy sigh. “I know you have to get to class, but I had to let you know. I’m sorry—about everything. It seems so juvenile now, you know?”

  Avery wasn’t sure if she completely agreed on that point, but she nodded anyway. “I’ll see you around,” she said, and grabbed the door handle. Something about the whole situation felt too fast, too forced.

  “Oh, wait. This is for you.” Tam held out a Post-it note. “There’s no official invitation, but I thought I’d write it down for you. It’s a Halloween party next Friday night—not over twenty-one. Wear a costume if you want.” She smiled weakly, and Avery took the Post-it. Was this a setup of some sort? She wanted to believe Tam’s apology was sincere, but warning flags were shooting up everywhere.

  “Where’s this at?” she asked, looking at Tam’s pretty cursive writing.

  “Over in Ballard. My dorm mate’s sister has a house there. I thought it would be good for us to go together, just like old times. I promise I won’t try to set you up with anyone.”

  Avery almost laughed, but she couldn’t quite manage it. “How are you getting there?”

  “Dorm mate has a car. Do you want us to pick you up?”

  “I … guess so.”

  “Okay, text me your address.”

  Maybe it was a bad idea, but she figured she could pull out later if she didn’t feel up to it. All she wanted to do right now was get rid of Tam so she could think about what had just happened. She looked down at her watch. “Gotta get to class,” she said, forcing a smile. “See you around.”

  “Yeah, see you.” Tam’s eyes softened, her entire expression almost pleading. “I really am sorry,” she said, her voice cracking. “I’m trying to change.”

  Avery twisted the knob on the door, her mind reeling. “Are you saying I should change too? Since you’re being so noble about all of this now?” Completely out of the blue.

  Tam stepped back. “That’s not it at all.”

  “Well, like I said, see you around.”

  Avery walked into class, her heart pounding. The world felt upside down.

  19

  Avery was halfway through dinner when she remembered it was Friday. The Friday she was supposed to go on a date with Jordan and his parents.

  “Oh, no,” she gasped as she stared down at her plate. “I forgot.”

  “Oh?” Chloe twirled her fork through her pasta. “What did you forget?”

  “A date.”

  “With who?”

  “Jordan, and it’s supposed to be a dinner date.”

  Chloe set down her fork. “Oh … well, you don’t have to finish if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended.”

  “He hasn’t even called me or texted. Maybe it isn’t happening.” She pulled out her phone, only to find that he had texted her three hours ago. Go figure. She’d been so caught up in worrying about Tam and the stupid Halloween party next weekend that she hadn’t even bothered checking her phone.

  I’ll pick you up at 7:30 or you can walk over to my place. We’ll be riding in my sister’s car. Hope that’s okay. And thanks again for doing this. I owe you.

  Lovely. She checked the time. 7:00.

  “I’ve got half an hour to get ready,” she said, pushing away her plate and standing. “Sorry, Chloe.”

  Chloe waved her hand. “Go!”

  Avery changed into the yellow dress that showed off her legs. She pulled on a cardigan and swung her purse over her shoulder. She yelled goodbye to Chloe and promised she’d do the dishes when she got home.

  “Don’t worry about it!” Chloe yelled from the kitchen. “Have fun!”

  Avery headed out the door and spotted Jordan on his front porch steps, dressed in his usual three-piece suit. He looked so good she wanted to kiss him right then and there. Then she remembered they weren’t on those terms anymore. In fact, she had no idea what terms they were on. He probably didn’t either.

  “Hi,” she said, giving him a little wave as she cleared the bushes dividing the two properties.

  He looked up from his phone and grinned. “You look fantastic. Is that the dress you wore to my party?”

  “Yeah. I can’t believe you remembered that.”

  He cleared his throat and stood. “Heaven should be here in a minute. Are you two … have you …”

  “I haven’t seen her since that night in your living room. I have no idea.”

  “Oh, this should be fun.” He sat back down on the steps. “Have a seat while we wait.”

  “Sure.” Sitting next to him, she put her purse in her lap and arranged her dress so she wasn’t flashing the street. She glanced at Jordan’s clean-shaven jaw and then at his fingernails. They were filed and smooth. He shifted across the step, running a finger along a gray pinstripe on his slacks. She looked away, blushing as she remembered him tracing the pinstripes on her bra.

  “H-how’ve you been?” she asked as she twisted a piece of hair around her index finger.

  “All right, I guess. My job isn’t that exciting.”

  “I thought you said you like it.”

  She finally lifted her eyes to his. They were so blue—bluer than Kent or Owen’s.

  “I do, but work is work. Sometimes I just want a week off, that’s all. Sometimes I like to spend more time with my friends.”

  Those blue eyes gleamed, and she blushed again. Why the hell was she blushing? “You want to throw another party, is that it?”

  He smirked. “Heh, yeah. Those parties are fun. They were kind of what helped me get over Cal—”

  He stopped short and looked away.

  “Callie?” she asked, proud of herself for remembering the name.

  “Yeah. After she died I didn’t want to be around anyone. I hid away for a long time, but then I started making some new friends and they all liked to drink, and the parties just kind of evolved. It’s not that I’m that likeable. I just happen to have a house and enough money to pay for the booze.”

  She laughed, but it died quickly. “Did being around people help?”

  “It did. I like to see people happy.” He started tracing the pinstripes on his pants again. She wanted to take his hand and hold it. She wanted to tell him it was an admirable trait to like seeing people happy. Sometimes it seemed like that’s all anyone wanted until they weren’t happy themselves, and then they wanted the world to be miserable with them. Jordan, however, seemed to have thrived on the opposite.

  “Here comes Heaven. You ready for this?”

  A dark green BMW pulled up to the curb. Heaven’s bright red dreadlocks were visible
even through the tinted windows.

  “I thought she’d be more the Seventies Volkswagen bus type,” Avery whispered as they walked across the lawn.

  “The BMW was a leftover from the divorce,” he said. “It was in both my parents’ names, and instead of fighting over it they just gave it to Heaven.”

  “Nice.”

  “There was a lot of that kind of fallout,” he mumbled. “Now I get to remind myself of the whole ordeal every time I use the china Mom gave me or ride in this stupid BMW.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yeah.”

  He opened the passenger side door and motioned for her to get inside. Right next to Heaven. Great. Jordan got in the backseat and Heaven pulled away from the curb, her jaw tight.

  “Okay, you two,” Jordan grumbled as he leaned forward between the two front seats. “No hating each other from here on out. Heaven, you know how these dinners work.”

  She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and then relaxed. “I’ve been avoiding Avery at the library for almost two weeks. I think I’ve got the anger out of my system.”

  Avery looked questioningly at Jordan, who smiled and leaned back in his seat. “Just like my little sis—step away for a bit and you’re fine.”

  “I was worried she was going to hurt you, Jordan.”

  “She told me what happened. It’s fine.”

  Heaven grunted. “Avery, if you’re going to hang around me and Jordan, get used to this. All we ever do is argue.”

  Jordan kept his eyes on his sister, and Avery suddenly understood why he’d wanted to fulfill her challenge to bring a date tonight. The juvenile rivalry between them was so palpable it could be cut with a knife.