Just Here for the Pain (gay rocker BDSM romance) (The Underdogs Book 2)

by K. A. Merikan

  “Why? Does his daddy not know he’s fucking street scum?” Spike mocked, but this time even Asher rose from the seat.

  “Are you done? If you don’t shut up, I’m going to knock out all of those expensive paper-white crowns.”

  “Let’s go,” Sid said and held out his hand to Asher, praying to the God he didn’t believe in for Asher to follow. “It’s not like I wanna stay and listen to their bullshit gig anyway.”

  “You sure? I think they deserve some hecklers by the stage,” Lolly said in a hard voice, but Asher squeezed Sid’s hand.

  “There are better places to have a drink.”

  Sid pulled on Asher’s hand with relief and gave Dusk and Lolly a quick wave. “See you guys around. And you,” he glared at Spike and Tick, “can go choke on a dick.”

  Tick sneered and spat on the dirty floor. “Fuck you. Petty like a girl.”

  He did not just say that. Sid let go of Asher’s hand and turned around. Like a wrecking ball, he smashed into Tick with his shoulder, right in the chest. “At least I follow my own rules, not do whatever some manager tells me to!”

  Spike was right next to Tick and pushed Sid aside. “Doing what someone tells you to is exactly what you do with your bullshit collars!”

  Asher moved to stand between Sid and Crash Landing before Sid could breathe again, and pushed back Spike, more so with his steady presence than physical force. “That’s enough. Now fuck off.”

  “Leave it Sid. They’re just pissed off they won’t get what they came here for,” Dusk said.

  Sid was rigid as if his joints had filled with lead. He turned around and started walking in the opposite direction to the approaching bouncer. His head filled up with the memories of things said just minutes ago, and he couldn’t organize them into neat slots. Why was he such a mess? Why couldn’t he be like sweet, sensitive Dawn, or even steady Asher?

  He almost pushed off the hand that closed on his shoulder, but when a whiff of Asher’s cologne brushed against his nose, all he could do was lean into him.

  Asher pressed a kiss to the shaved side of Sid’s head, leading him to the door, to the cool light outside. Sid followed on autopilot. Asher hadn’t managed to calm him, but his presence was like seeing the North Star after being lost at sea. He wasn’t safe, but he did know his direction, so maybe he’d find safe shores if he only followed it long enough.

  “Don’t listen to those douchebags. They’re being fucking petty over your success,” Asher said, leading Sid into the night, away from the noisy club. He pulled him closer once they entered the shadows.

  Sid couldn’t take it anymore. He stopped and hugged Asher tightly, pressing into him and wishing he could hide inside that steady presence somehow. “I’m sorry. I fucked up our evening.”

  Asher exhaled loudly but didn’t seem angry and just petted Sid’s back, stroking it with one hand while holding his nape with the other. Nothing could touch Sid as long as he remained in those arms.

  “It’s fine. Just message the guys later. Too bad we didn’t get to talk to them more.”

  Sid exhaled deeply, and each time he breathed in Asher’s scent with the cool air was a relief. “I want to make it up to you. Can I take you somewhere?”

  Asher smirked. “What, on a date?”

  Sid kissed his neck. “You could call it that.” Warmth spread through his chest. He knew just the way to make Asher forget any of this bullshit ever happened.

  Chapter 12

  Everyone knew Sid intended to leave him the moment the new tour started. At the club, Asher had overheard them call him Stan again. Technically, it could have been just the familiarity of the nickname, but he knew that wasn’t the case. Sid’s bandmates, his closest friends, all saw him as a phase in Sid’s life—an experiment to ultimately move on from. It was a blow Asher didn’t expect to hurt as much as it did. Regardless of how sincere Sid had sounded when he told Asher he loved him in the aftermath of a scene, he still clearly intended to leave Asher once their so-called relationship was no longer convenient. Otherwise, he’d say something sensible when the topic of them splitting had come up as a joke. And yet Sid had said nothing.

  How was Asher to be this stable presence for Sid, to protect him from his own volatile actions, when deep down Sid didn’t even know if he wanted Asher around for longer? Asher had read a lot about caring for a submissive, about grounding them, giving them what they needed, but what about him? How was he to grow roots strong enough to hold Sid if they could be cut away on Sid’s whim?

  And then there was the other thorn in his side. He’d been good enough to rub in Tick and Spike’s faces, but clearly not someone Sid wanted to be with in a photo that could surface somewhere on the Internet. Sid wanted to have his cake and eat it. Was it because he secretly wanted to keep his options open in case someone better came along? Someone who wasn’t just a blast from the past—invisible and constantly rejected for years only to become useful once he learned to give Sid the kind of sex he wanted.

  He’d dedicated so much of his time to this, he’d ignored his own feelings in order to be the man Sid needed, and what was he getting in return? The promise of a breakup in the not-so-distant future. He was about to outlive his usefulness to Sid. Nothing Asher had to offer—not the nice house, not his dedication and care—were quite cutting it.

  He’d even let Sid drive the Tesla because Sid didn’t want to tell him where they were going. Because why the hell not—what was the risk of wrecking the car if Asher was ready to wreck his heart?

  “I’m sorry I blurted out shit about our private life,” Sid said after a long period of silence. At least he’d learned to apologize, but basic civility was no longer enough to make Asher happy, and the muscles around his mouth ached from the effort of not looking grim.

  After a period of living and breathing this new life with Sid, reality was slapping Asher across the face and drilling holes into his heart. If he allowed this to last much longer, he’d end up bleeding out for a man who didn’t even treat him seriously.

  “It’s fine.”

  Sid turned into a dark gravel road that made Asher pay more attention to their surroundings. Where on earth were they going? The farther they drove, the less light there was around.

  “He just pissed me off so much, you know? After all those years, after kicking me out, they come ‘round to try and reconnect as if nothing happened? Such fucking bullshit.”

  Asher’s stomach twisted. “Yeah. People do that sometimes. Their entire attitude changes if they feel they can get something out of you.”

  Sid nodded, clearly not catching the passive-aggressive suggestion. He’d never been good at reading people. “Exactly. Claiming not to be homophobes just because it could benefit them now. I wish I’d recorded what they said. But in the moment, I get so worked up, you know. It’s like an anger blackout.”

  Asher envied Sid his temper sometimes. Regardless of consequences, once anger had been released, Sid was left at peace. Asher couldn’t make himself just react to whatever came his way, and so he was left with a ball of emotion choking him, sometimes for days, until it fizzled out. Occasionally, it would even come back at random moments and remind him of all his failures, of all the times Sid had made him feel less than—small and unworthy.

  He’d never want anyone to know, but there was an element of revenge in making Sid cry and twist in pain.

  Asher liked it. He could taste the sweetness of triumph every single time, but it was worth nothing if Sid still held all the cards. Like he’d always done. Generously granting Asher access to himself or not, and even as a Dom, Asher was the one begging at Sid’s feet.

  “Here we are,” Sid said, pulling Asher out of the dark spiral he’d been falling down.

  A desolate building loomed against the background of a moonlit sky, and all at once, Asher knew where they were. His heart squeezed so hard he wondered if Sid was actually attempting to kill him.

  There was a fence of metal mesh around it, new graffiti on the wal
l that the headlights briefly touched, but this was the place where Asher had lost his virginity to Sid. Where he’d been so happy that he kept returning to those moments even now.

  “I doubt I could cook for you this time, but I thought it’d be nice to see what the place looks like now.” Sid’s smile was so sincere in the dark, and yet so clueless to Asher’s distress.

  What was this? A goodbye trip down memory lane? Maybe Asher should just end all this before Sid unceremoniously dragged his heart through the dirt and gravel of this place?

  As Asher simmered in his bitterness, Sid circled the car and actually opened the door for him. It came as such a shock that Asher pushed his back into the seat, breathing rapidly. He said nothing of the things that tumbled through his head and quickly got out of the car. “Thanks.”

  Sid pulled close and gave him a kiss before entwining their fingers. “I was embarrassed about living here all those years ago,” he said in a quiet voice, leading Asher to the fence. With the car lights off, it was like treading through hostile territory of holes, weeds, and stray trash. Asher found himself squeezing Sid’s hand harder as they sank deeper into cool, concrete-scented darkness.

  “You were? You seemed like the kind of person who doesn’t care.”

  “I was homeless, Ash.”

  Asher swallowed hard, feeling rightfully chastised. Such things did not exist in his world. Everything was about one’s choice of lifestyle, and Sid never had the appearance he’d associate with a homeless person. “I’m sorry. Back then I thought you just wanted to be here.”

  “I was making the best of a bad situation, and the last thing I wanted to show my hot new hook-up was that I couldn’t afford shit.” He let go of Asher’s hand and climbed the simple wire fence as if it wasn’t illegal to trespass.

  Asher swallowed, seeking the name of the owner, which had to be on a plaque somewhere, but in the sparse light he could barely see anything. “Are you sure it’s fine? The fence means someone’s taking care of the place?”

  Sid jumped down to the other side and waved at Asher in encouragement. “Nah, it’s fine. And we’ll only be here for a while.”

  Asher hesitated, but the way Sid looked straight at him in expectation was sinking in, all the way to his bones. Sid wanted to see him as this firm, fearless presence, regardless of whether he really was that or not.

  He wanted to be, so he grabbed the fence and followed Sid’s example, even though illegally stepping onto someone’s property made his entire body shiver. Surely, the trespassing would be brief.

  Sid put his arm around Asher once they started walking toward the building through an empty yard littered with broken bottles and dried-up bushes.

  “We never really talked about it, but when I found out you were this rich boy slumming it for the weekend, it really pissed me off.”

  “Of course it did.” Asher snorted despite the heaviness in his heart. Maybe Sid wanted to close their relationship the way it started, in the old factory building that was closer with every careful step they took through the long grass.

  Sid walked up to a metal door pathetically hanging off one hinge and pulled it open with a screech of rust. “I guess I wanted to impress you, only to find out I had nothing to impress you with.”

  The scent of dampness blew into Asher’s face from the narrow corridor revealed. A staircase led into complete darkness, as if his hell was somehow located in heaven. “That’s not how I remember it. I was the one chasing you.” And nothing’s changed. It never would.

  “Because you wanted the ‘bad boy’ experience.” Sid held his hand as they climbed the stairs. He turned on his phone to light the way up the stairs made of broken tiles and dust. Even though so many years had passed, Asher remembered this place as if it was just yesterday that his heart fluttered at a man—Sid—undressing in front of him for the first time.

  They’d only had candles for light back then, and their shaky, warm glow had made the experience seem more profound. Under Sid’s weight, on the old foam mattress, Asher had felt like, for once, there was something important happening in his life. For the duration of their sex he’d been the center of Sid’s attention. But it wasn’t only that. Sid had done everything to make him comfortable, to make Asher’s first time memorable, exciting, and painless.

  “I guess I did. It makes no sense to give up on comforts when you already have them, but at the same time you seemed so authentic, like no other man I’ve met before.”

  “‘Authentic’? Because I was poor?” Sid poked Asher’s side, but then stopped, looking around at the doors to the left and right in the long hallway littered with stray trash.

  Asher pointed to the second entrance on the left. He’d remember it on his deathbed.

  Breath got stuck in his throat as he led the way to the room that now seemed incomparably smaller without the sparse furniture Sid used to keep here. The walls were covered by red graffiti, messy and vulgar, as if the person who’d done it had intended to spoil Sid and Asher’s former sanctuary. Now the room was only a collection of bottles and cardboard boxes, a broken chair lying on its side by the opaque window.

  “It’s not even about money. It’s about caring what happens if people see you in a bad light. I could never get over that.”

  Sid walked over the trash, crushing it under his boots, and his profile made Asher’s heart skip a beat when he looked back, with moonlight coming through the window behind him. “I guess I got over it when I ran away from home. I would either put up with all the Apocalypse mumbo-jumbo or decide that I didn’t care what they thought of my ‘conduct’. I never told this to anyone, but…there were nights I spent on the streets when I wished to be back there, even if it meant having to do as told, just because I really wished to not be hungry, and to sleep in a nice warm bed. But I never gave in.”

  Asher breathed in the musty air and grabbed Sid’s hand without thinking. “It’s in the past. You’ve made it.”

  “Have I? I still freak out over Crash Landing threatening to out me. I never wanted to live according to someone else’s rules, but after they dropped me from the band all those years ago, I started feeling blocked. I couldn’t bring myself to look for new partners for the BDSM, and even started being more conscious of people seeing me as a gay man.”

  Asher swallowed, rubbing Sid’s hand. “But you have enough money to feel safe. You don’t have to tell everyone what you like in bed. You don’t owe them that kind of information.”

  Sid stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Asher’s neck. He’d probably never make the cover of GQ, yet in Asher’s eyes he was the most beautiful man in the world. One worth so much effort, but also the one man who could irreversibly break Asher’s heart.

  Sid kissed him gently. “You’re right.”

  Asher smiled, torn between the giddiness of this moment and the sadness scratching holes in his chest. He wished he could just say no to Sid, but when they stood like this, in a place that carried so many memories, he wanted to forget that their relationship was slowly heading for its painful end.

  “Maybe we could buy this place,” Sid said with another kiss. “Tear down a few walls, make this our master bedroom. Do the whole warehouse conversion hipster thing. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” He laughed and kissed Asher’s neck. He spoke of this imaginary future as if he wasn’t leaving on tour next week and not even mentioning that maybe he’d like for Asher to follow. Was it obvious to him that Asher would drop everything for him and go?

  He chuckled, even though there was nothing happy about the things he felt. “Maybe. We could do an open plan apartment.”

  Sid nipped on Asher’s jaw. “That wouldn’t do. An open plan dungeon? What would our friends think?”

  Asher sighed, melting into him despite his best intentions. He pulled Sid close and kissed his ear over and over as regret tore through his body. “That it’s workout machines? I’m sure Dawn would have believed you.”

  Sid snorted, running his fingers up and down Asher’
s back. “That’s sadly so true. He’s too innocent for his own good.”

  “Someone’s gonna tap that eventually,” Asher said, allowing himself the touch. He was both hot and cold at the same time, already losing the battle with Sid’s tempting presence. He was such an idiot to ever believe this could last forever. And yet here he was, unable to tell Sid his behavior at the club had been shit, and if he couldn’t commit then Asher was dumping him first. Not when Sid’s hand circled the small of his back.

  “Maybe he has kinky secrets though. I never knew what you could be to me. Who knows what kind of demon hides behind that pretty, innocent face?”

  “Maybe he is into something weird. You never know. Maybe he’s into feet worship. Or electro play. That’s what you said you wanna try, right?”

  Sid groaned and pressed into him, rubbing against him like a cat in heat. Asher couldn’t help the satisfaction of feeling the cock cage by his thigh. “Yeah, that wasn’t a lie. I’m into it. Both the pain from the shocks and the fear right before them.”

  Asher exhaled, watching the angular lines of Sid’s face in the faint light. He wanted to lick along them and commit the whole picture to memory. “What if I didn’t want to do that?”

  For a moment, Sid watched him intensely, but then leaned in for another kiss. “We can’t always have it all, right? It would be foolish to expect you sharing every single kink of mine.”

  Asher opened up to him, squeezing his arms around Sid’s back and pressing him closer. The floor felt soft under his feet by the time Sid’s tongue teased his.

  “You didn’t want me before.”

  “Because I’m not the ‘bad boy experience’ I thought you wanted.”

  Asher smirked, closing his regret deep in the closet of his chest. It was to remain there, not spoil this moment. “Am I the Dom experience then?”

  Sid grinned. “Definitely. You’re so much more than I expected you to be. To be honest, for our first time doing this, I thought I’d push you, scare you with the things I wanted and freak you out, but you just dove right in.”