by Abel, Maegan
I scrubbed my hands over my face, determined to do better for him, as I was every time. It didn’t work. When Lizzie looked up from the table where she was struggling to remove the packaging from some toy that must’ve been secondary to all the bigger toys Conner received, her eyes were glassy.
“Are you fucking serious right now?” I hissed, moving closer to the table in hopes I could keep my voice down. “It’s Christmas.”
“Stop acting like you’re so much better than me. Look in a fucking mirror before you judge. Late night?” Lizzie spat, shoving the box away from her as she stood, leaning across the table toward me.
I narrowed my eyes. “What I do when I don’t have my son isn’t really any of your concern, just like what you do when Conner isn’t here is none of mine. But when my son is home, he doesn’t need to see it.”
“Like he has any idea what I’m doing,” she scoffed, crossing her arms.
“He’s smarter than you give him credit for, even with his poor genes,” I said, grabbing the box and letting out some of my frustration as I easily popped the packaging loose. “It needs to stop, Lizzie. Period.”
“Or what?” Adam’s voice came from behind me. I wanted to turn around but that was exactly why I didn’t. “If you take her to court, you know you’ll lose.”
I ground my jaw, narrowing my eyes at Lizzie. “Get your shit together. He deserves better than this.” I turned, staring down at Adam. “Your threats are getting really old. You think you can strip my parental rights? I fucking dare you to try.”
Starting past him toward the hall, my thoughts were on Conner. I just wanted to get him out of here and spend the next twenty-four hours focusing on having him with me. “You know, Daniel said he saw you last night.” Lizzie’s words stopped me. I glanced over my shoulder at her, trying to remember anything her cousin might’ve seen. “He said you were leaving a bar draped all over some tiny girl with a name tag on. You wouldn’t be screwing around with Tish’s pet, would you? Because I’m pretty sure if you’re living with someone, the courts are supposed to know…” she trailed off and I took a deep breath. She was apparently learning how to threaten my rights from Adam. I had to keep my calm. Plus, I really couldn’t remember leaving with Lili. Actually, I couldn’t remember getting home at all. I knew I wouldn’t drive, but my car was home, so someone drove it there. Was it Lili? It must have been because the seat was further up when I tried to get in it this morning.
“Like I said, I’m getting sick of the threats. What I do when I don’t have Conner is none of your business.” I continued to the hallway, ready to get the hell away from here.
I knocked on Conner’s door, surprised to see him sitting on his bed with his legs crossed as he leaned on his backpack. He lifted his head to look at me and I saw something that looked almost like disappointment on his face.
“You ready to go? I know Uncle Tish is looking forward to seeing you,” I said excitedly. He smiled, but it was half-hearted. “Come on.”
“I’m pretty sure the fire marshal would shut us down if he wandered in right now,” Nikki said, rushing past me yet again. I’d never seen so many people in this bar and just the sight of the crowd had me on edge. I didn’t have a problem with crowds, but it was Christmas. Plus, if there were this many people in here, I could only imagine how many were still outside on the Strip.
It was a madhouse.
I’d worked at three different bars this year before finding myself here. This place was still, by far, the classiest I’d worked in. That included the times I had to stand on the bar and receive catcalls while I poured shots into the mouths of horny college guys or business men looking to score while they were away from their wives.
After all, what happened in Vegas…
“Hey, somebody is here asking for you,” Missy said as she brushed past me, carrying three bottles between her fingers. She’d been here longer than Nikki and I combined, but from the way the bouncer, Donovan, talked, she was one step away from getting her ass canned.
I followed the direction of her nod, searching for a moment before a familiar face appeared in the sea of madness. I felt my brows furrow as I approached the side of the bar where Lizzie sat. I looked around for a second, wondering if she’d shown up with Zane. Remembering that Zane had Conner for Christmas, I was right back to being confused.
“Hey,” I said, nodding to Nikki as she called my name. “Can I help you with something?” Over the past year, I’d intentionally avoided being around when Lizzie came to pick up Conner. After finding out that she managed to dig her claws back into Zane, I’d lost any desire I might have had to be cordial. It wasn’t that I disliked her, I still didn’t know her, it was really more along the lines of I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel around her. And I wasn’t really sure what to expect since she showed up here this way.
The disdain in her expression as her eyes traveled the length of my body immediately had me on edge. “I don’t know what it is about bitches like you.”
“Excuse me?” I lifted an eyebrow, crossing my arms over my chest defensively. I’d never done anything to Lizzie, never even looked at her wrong, and here she was, trying to start shit with me out of nowhere.
“You heard me,” she said, leaning forward on the bar. “He’ll treat you just like the rest of these skanks. You know that, right? That’s all he sees you as.”
“Who?” I asked, feigning confusion. I could lie, it was a quickly acquired and necessary skill when you lived on the streets, but it didn’t fool her. It was too obvious who she meant. I still had no idea why she was here, though.
“Zane belongs with me. He knows it and so do I. It’s the reason he ends up back in my bed, over and over again. I’m the only one he keeps coming back to. The rest of these bitches, you included, are just wasting your time.”
I’d known that Zane had slept with Lizzie last year around Christmas, he’d told me as much on the roof, but over and over? I thought the point of telling me was a hope that he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. “Well, for starters, who I fuck and don’t fuck isn’t really any of your concern. As far as Zane goes…” I stopped myself, getting ready to throw in her face how big of a mistake he told me sleeping with her was. What if he’d changed his mind? What if, now, he didn’t see it as a mistake? I didn’t want to be the one responsible for telling her he’d hated her if he ended up wanting her back. “We’re just friends. It’s all we’ve ever been.”
I tried not to think about the kiss last night, tried with everything I had to keep it from my face, but I felt like it was obvious. It felt like a shining beacon. It wasn’t even the first time we’d kissed, but it was the only time in that sort of…situation.
“Right. Because I believe a whore can just be friends with a guy like him,” she laughed and turned like she was about to walk away.
“At least I’m not the one who got knocked up by another man when I had him,” I snapped, not thinking about whether Zane would be mad; not really caring anymore. “I’m not sure what your definition of whore is, but I’m pretty sure that tops mine.”
She lunged across the bar, surprising me and the patrons who had been watching the end of the interaction with interest. Her hand made contact with my neck as Donovan pulled her away from behind. I’d seen him coming up as the scene escalated but he didn’t catch her before she drew blood. I hissed as her nails tore skin, jumping forward to reach for her. My arm was caught before I could climb over the bar, Nikki pulling me back as Donovan and Lizzie disappeared through the crowd.
“Fuck,” I hissed as my fingers touched my jaw. I shrugged out of Nikki’s grip, heading toward the bathroom to clean up. As I took in the sight of the two matching scratches from below my ear to my chin, my anger flared. It wasn’t like me to stand there and not react when I was attacked, but I was at work. She had shown up here, at my fucking job, and lunged at me. I grabbed paper towels and wet them under the faucet, thinking back on her words. It was like she somehow knew that some line had
been crossed last night.
But how?
I froze with the paper towel halfway to my wound. Zane. He had to pick up Conner today, that’s the only way she could’ve known.
I’d stayed in his room for a while last night, making sure he didn’t get sick again while I waited for the laundry to finish. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss, but I’d gone to bed in an attempt to avoid him. I knew Zane. I knew him well enough to know he would freak out about what happened and I wasn’t ready to hear him talk about how much he regretted it. Now, I was ready to talk. I was ready to give him an earful.
When the water from the paper towel was running down to my elbow, I finally lifted it to my face, covering the marks to wipe away the blood. I definitely had something to say about this.
It was late when I made it home Christmas night and Zane had already taken Conner home on his way to work by the time I got up. I shuffled into the kitchen and made a plate of leftovers from dinner, thankful I had the night off. I just wanted to sleep. We’d gotten our asses kicked last night at the bar, which I still found amusing given that it was Christmas.
The house was quiet after my shower. Just as I was debating on whether to take a nap, the front door opened and Zane came in. We paused when we saw each other and he sighed before heading to his room. Great. That little moment of eye contact made it obvious that he regretted whatever happened between us.
It hurt worse than I thought.
“That’s just perfect,” I muttered to myself, starting to stand. We were back to square one and Zane would go back to avoiding me and treating me like a nuisance. We’d be tiptoeing around one another and I’d end up hiding in my room rather than dealing with his coldness.
I remembered this place. And I fucking hated it.
“What’s perfect?” Zane’s voice stopped me. I looked up as he leaned against the wall, arms crossed.
I could blow this off, walk away, and keep my head held high, or I could lose it at the antagonistic look on his face and drive the final nail deeper in the coffin.
“You’re such a prick,” I sighed, the words coming out almost defeated, like I knew what I was going to say but I couldn’t stop it. Which was almost how it felt.
“I’m a prick?” He grinned, amused. “And this surprises you?”
“I guess it shouldn’t. This is who you are, right? You live to push everyone away, no matter how hard we try to stay.” I could feel myself getting emotional and I stopped, pulling back and reigning it in.
“Yes. And I take what I want from women and discard them. You knew that about me before.” He’s voice was tight, almost strained.
I stared at him, my mouth open as I tried to find words. “What does that mean?”
“What do you think it means? You can’t walk into a situation and expect someone to change who they are. I told you that a long time ago. Women try to attach feelings to sex, but it’s just that. Sex. It’s a physical act—”
“I’m well aware of what sex is,” I snapped, feeling embarrassed and angry. “Do you remember anything from the other night?”
He lifted his chin but didn’t answer. I nodded, having gotten all the confirmation I needed. In his eyes, I could what he assumed happened and how he felt about the fact that it had. I hated it. I hated that he was angry about what he thought happened. Worse, I hated that he thought it happened because it meant that Lizzie was right. He just saw me as another one of many.
I started past him, pausing when I was just far enough down the hall that he was out of my line of sight.
“Next time you need someone to clean you up when you’re drunk, don’t call me. I’m done.”
It was five days before I even saw Lili again. I was pulling into the driveway as she climbed in a cab, leaving. I wasn’t sure if she’d been working or just going away to avoid me; either way, it was what needed to happen.
I was still convincing myself that it was for the best.
Sighing, I watched the cab disappear from my mirror before climbing out of my car. Exhausted wasn’t even the word for it. It had been the longest stretch at work and I was looking forward to not waking up to an alarm in the morning. Closing the door, I overheard voices in the kitchen.
“I still feel bad for her,” Kas said, the sound of a chair scraping against the floor following. “It’s got to be uncomfortable to feel like you can’t even be in the same room as someone you considered to be one of your best friends.”
“He’s being an asshole and she’s just letting him get away with it.” Tish sounded irritated, but I didn’t move. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I wanted to know what she’d said to them.
“She’s upset. She’s hurt that he keeps pushing her away when she cares about him. And she’s angry. She has every right to be. He proved that everything Lizzie said to her was true.”
I dropped my keys on the table then, making my presence known as I walked down the hall. “What Lizzie said to who was true?”
Kas and Tish both glanced up at me. Tish’s expression was guarded while Kas looked uncomfortable at her words being overheard. I focused on her, since she was the one that spoke.
“What did Lizzie say?”
Kas moved back to a chair at the table but didn’t sit. “She told Lili that you thought of her as nothing more than another…conquest. But obviously, not as nicely.”
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. Of course, I had no one to blame — not even Lizzie. What she’d said was no different than what I’d said to Lili myself. “When did Lili even see her?”
Dropping my hand, I stared at Kas until she answered. “Lizzie went to Lili’s work on Christmas evening and confronted her.”
I thought back on what I’d said to Lizzie, on our fight and the fact that she’d pointed out that she knew where I’d been and who I’d been with. I should’ve known she’d do something like this but, as always, I tried to think of Lizzie as a decent human being. I was giving her too much credit, it seemed. “Of course she did.” I pulled out my phone, walking away from Tish and Kas without another word as I dialed Lizzie.
“Hmm…how did I know you’d call about New Year’s Eve?” Lizzie cooed into the phone. Just the sound of her voice when she was trying to be seductive made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand how this woman and her actions repulsed the logical part of my brain, but with enough alcohol, I was able to fall into bed with her, knowing it was a huge mistake.
“Not on your life, Liz. I just wanted to tell you that your little stunt didn’t go unnoticed. I’m not going to tell you again to stay out of my life. What I do on my own time is none of your fucking business.”
“Don’t you mean who you do?” she laughed.
“Either way, it’s not going to be you anymore,” I said, hating the smugness of her tone.
“So you say,” she laughed. “We’ll see how long it lasts this time.”
“Just back off. Stay out of my life,” I said, hanging up before she could respond. It was childish and I knew calling her hadn’t actually done any good, but again, it was my own stupid fault for overestimating her common decency.
I needed to clear my head.
Pulling up to the familiar spot on the edge of the grass, I turned off the engine. Every time I came here, I felt even more guilty for not coming sooner. I grabbed the flowers, pink peonies, from the front seat and started up the small incline. When I reached the stone, I knelt down, brushing the dirt and debris off the marble plaque that signified my greatest mistake in life.
“Hey, Liv,” I whispered, the words shaky as I carefully placed the flowers on the corner of the stone. I stared at the small container of poinsettias that was no doubt from Tish on Christmas. We didn’t talk about Liv, including when we came to see her. “I know I should’ve come for Christmas, but between work and Conner…” I sighed. “It’s just been a rough year.” I settled myself against the cool ground, draping my arms over my knees. “That’s all they seem to be anymore. I keep thinking it has t
o get better. Things have to get easier. But they don’t.”
I stared out in the distance, not really looking at anything in particular as I tried to remember the sound of her voice. “I think it’s gone. Your voice. I can’t hear it anymore. That’s the worst part. I mean, I can look at pictures and see your face. I can remember the things you used to say, but the sound of your voice is gone. You know they didn’t keep family videos, there really weren’t many moments in our childhood that we would want to remember that included them anyway, but I wish they’d been more normal. I wish we’d been like other families so I could watch a video and hear your voice.” I swallowed back the lump rising in my throat. “I wish we’d been like other families for a hundred different reasons.”
After a pause, I fell into the same lines that always came when I was here. “It should’ve been me, Olivia. You weren’t supposed to be home, but I should’ve said something. I should’ve warned you, talked to you, something. I should’ve acted faster, dove in front of the gun instead of at him, anything.” I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, unable to hold the tears inside any longer. “I should’ve been able to save you.”
As the silence stretched, every word I wished I could say, every little thing I could’ve and should’ve done differently, played out in my mind. My phone buzzed in my jacket pocket and I sighed, irritated that I hadn’t left it in the car like I normally did when I was here. I pulled it out. Seeing Paige’s name on my screen, I debated whether to answer or not. I finally caved, unable to stop myself. If there was one positive that came from losing Olivia, it was that I never took Paige for granted. The downside to that was the constant worry.