Notes from Small Planets

by Nate Crowley

  8 Fysteros

  Fysteros is a grim, dark land isolated from the rest of Mittelvelde, comprising seven human-only kingdoms, whose inhabitants spend all their time squabbling over a metal chair. And with the coffers of the ruling houses so exhausted by constant war, you can be sure it’s packed with tourist-traps.

  9 Bludvarle

  If Fysteros is bad, Bludvarle is worse. A dismal arse-beard of tundra trailing out into the arctic sea, it is peopled by frostbitten hulks who seem to exist only to constantly invade Fysteros. Unless you are desperately into ice fishing or starvation, there’s little reason to visit Bludvarle.

  2. UNDERSTANDING MITTELVELDE

  A Brief History

  There’s no way to give a brief history of Mittelvelde. That’s not hyperbole – it’s genuinely impossible. The world’s past is divided up into (probably) nine ages, each of which have their own sets of gods, cultures and languages. Nonetheless, it’s worth knowing the very basics.

  Mittelvelde Today

  As a new tenth age blossoms following the war, Mittelvelde is on the up and up. As part of the peace treaty known as the Pact of Grimlakk, the Orc territory of Takkna’s Land has been liberated and ceded to the Bison King, who has renamed it New Tharn. Under his benevolent hand, the Duke’s war forges are being put to good use making consumer goods, providing honest work for the region’s Orcs and Goblins. Also, as a stipulation of the pact, the Bison King has secured a guarantee of safety for all tourists in Mittelvelde, and so communities that would have ripped tourists limb from limb just ten years ago are now hugely welcoming. Thanks to the Bison King, it’s a great time to visit Mittelvelde.[15]

  Climate and Terrain

  None of Mittelvelde’s landscapes do things in half measures. Its forests are ancient and gnarled, its mountains stately and eagle-haunted. Even the humming swamplands down south are majestic in a way, if you find the reek of wet guffs awe-inspiring. Geographers say Mittelvelde’s layout makes no sense whatsoever from a theoretical standpoint, with mountains arranged contrary to all understanding of geology and rivers chucked onto the map like a bunch of tired blue worms. But who cares? It looks absolutely smashing on a map, doesn’t it?[16] A warmer, drier climate prevails in the western plains of Syrillar, cooling to temperate as one enters the southern lands of the Bison King, while subarctic conditions can be found in the far south, as well as in the highlands and mountains of Kolkozar and Kranagar. The northern subcontinent of Fysteros has its own, peculiarly volatile climate that pays little heed to conditions in the rest of Tinnethaine. Summer can last years, before taking a hard swerve into a decades-long winter virtually overnight.[17] And, of course, in Bludvarle it’s shit all the time.

  Floyd’s Tip

  One big weather issue to flag is Wizards: when these fellows get into a barney over something, their mountaintop shouting matches can result in unseasonal blizzards and plagues of crows for miles around, which can absolutely destroy your picnic plans.

  Wildlife

  Mittelvelde’s wildlife falls into two broad categories: noble beasts and monsters. The former, which range through Tinnethaine’s overland, tend to be slightly more majestic versions of normal animals, while the latter dwell either in the deep woods or in the world’s sprawling underlayer of dungeons. In some cases, they’re just bigger versions of ‘nasty’ animals such as spiders or rats – but go deep enough, and you’ll encounter creatures that feel as if a team of anxious drunks were given a long weekend to fill a bestiary. Of course, many of Mittelvelde’s animal species are said to possess high intelligence, the ability to use tools, and advanced languages, leading to a growing movement to reclassify them as ‘people’ – but this seems a little far-fetched.[18] Dragons are a particular grey area (it’s hard to dismiss something as a big flying crocodile when it’s posing you a riddle, after all), but it’s only a matter of time before they’re all slain anyway, putting a neat end to the question.

  THE AGES OF MITTELVELDE

  [As summarised by Floyd, from orientation materials at the ‘Welcome to Mittelvelde!’ exhibition in Bannahirr’s tourist information centre.]

  Y0–1320: THE FIRST AGE – An incomprehensible block of mythology in which the world was created. Some Wizards claim to have been there at the time, but Wizards say a lot of things, and are usually just trying to trick you into buying them a drink.

  Y1321–2419: THE SECOND AGE – Probably Dwarves?

  Y2420–4068: THE THIRD AGE – Elves arrive in Tinnethaine by boats from Larathainne. Initiating trade with the Dwarves, Queen Elaheime founds the Elven capital of Alethiar, and begins working on salad recipes, or whatever it is that Elves do to pass the time.

  Y4069–4849: THE FOURTH AGE – More Elf stuff, most likely. Dragons, Ettins and many other spectacular creatures start to appear in Mittelvelde.

  Y4850–5400: THE FIFTH AGE – Humans arrive in Tinnethaine, led by the Bison King’s ancestors, and a golden age begins. Late in the age, Fysteros is founded; the Fysterosi Civil War begins immediately.

  Y5401–5832: THE SIXTH AGE – Darkness is brought into the world by Orcs and Goblins, who come out of a hole or something.[19] The first War of Inhuman Aggression is begun by Deepdark Baron Taschnak, whom Orcs call ‘the Defiant’.[20] The Fysterosi Civil War continues.

  Y5833–6712: THE SEVENTH AGE – The Bison Kingdom is founded from a collection of war-weary principalities that defended against Taschnak. This happens just in the nick of time, as the first Bison King immediately has to defend against Bloodlord Shettkro, ‘the Protector’, in a second great war. Elves make less of an effort to help during this one. The Fysterosi Civil War continues.

  Y6713–7004: THE EIGHTH AGE – Elves begin to depart Tinnethaine, ceding land to human communities settled by the Bison King. The Dwarven kingdom of Kranagar falls to the hoard of Bugnakk ‘the Avenger’. The Fysterosi Civil War continues.

  Y7005–7221: THE NINTH AGE – Only a few Elvish communities remain; Dwarven culture consolidates around the ancient capital of Kolkozar. Late in the age, Mittelvelde shakes under the boots of Yattan-Gur, the Duke of Night, and the War of the Haunted Mace commences. At the last minute, the tactical genius of the Bison King turns the tide, and darkness is defeated. The Fysterosi Civil War continues.

  The Serendipiteagle (Aquilafelix Gigas) is a vast bird of prey, beloved by Wizards for its ability to show up and rescue people when their lives depend on it. They’re completely unreliable the rest of the time, but still worth their weight in gold in a clutch.

  The noble Glowboar (Sus Luminosus) is – along with the Elderstag (Cervidus Venerabilis) and the Dire Rabbit (Oryctolagus Chungus) – one of the many regal game animals at large in the forests of Tinnethaine. It’s basically a pig with glowing tusks.

  The Royal Bison (Bison Mittelveldi Rex) was a brilliant silver bison, standing nine-feet tall at the shoulder, which roamed the plains of Tharn in herds ten-thousand strong. They were the favoured quarry of the Bison King’s ancestors. Unfortunately, they recently became extinct due to … cancer or something.[21]

  The legendary Hörse (Equus Perfectus) is identical to a normal horse, but somehow better in every way. Hörses have complex genealogies, intricate manners, and are utter snobs, refusing to allow anyone outside of royalty to ride them.[22]

  The Bigwolf (Lupus Bastardis) is a wolf the size of a rhino, native to the tundra of Bludvarle but kept by many nobles and knights across Fysteros. Foul tempered and prone to dropping massive, meaty turds, they’re a perfect emblem for their realm.

  Pity the Sparrilla (Gorilla Passerinus), one of the midrange monsters commonly found in Tinnethaine’s dungeons: it has the robust body of a gorilla, but the head and mind of a common domestic sparrow. Whatever Wizard created it must have been a real git.

  The Eavesdropper (Sphaera Multiaures) is a feared deep-dungeon monster resembling a hovering meaty sphere, with a toothy maw and hundreds of human ears arranged across its surface. It is said to particularly despise bards.

  People


  Until consensus is reached on the animals/people issue, the civilised folk of Mittelvelde have been defined as those being roughly humanoid, and these are split into seven peoples.[23]

  Humans

  It should be pretty clear what humans are, because you probably are one.

  Orcs

  Big, muscular folk with grey skin and heavy jaws, the Orcs are the second-most common people in Mittelvelde. The vast majority live in huge, semi-buried hives in New Tharn, while some outlaw settlements, still loyal to the Duke, persist in the forests of Mathelvayle and the hills of Kranagar. Orcish society is largely matriarchal, and probably based around hunting and sports, I would imagine.

  Goblins

  These horrid things are like small, skinny Orcs, and tend to show up wherever Orcs do. They’ve never really been great warriors, tending instead to loiter around Orcish settlements, cooking and playing nonsensical games.[24]

  Dwarves

  A people of short, intensely broad stature resembling tiny, bearded wrestlers, the Dwarves are a diminished but still significant presence in the world. All female, they live in vast fortresses beneath the world’s mountains, in colonies led by a handful of egg-laying queens. Completely obsessed with digging holes.

  Elves

  The few Elves left in the world live deep in Mathelvayle, and in ruins on the coasts of Syrillar. They are an extremely unnerving people, with clammy milk-white skin, eyes with horizontal-slit pupils, and ornate platinum antlers sprouting from their hairless heads.[25] Needless to say, they also have pointy ears.

  Wizards

  Although it’s hard to tell the real thing from imitations these days, Wizards are definitely … something. They tend to look human, although spend more than a few hours in the company of one and you will see they are anything but. Capricious and scheming, Wizards have their own weird agenda for the world, and will take extraordinary measures to see it play out. Trust them at your own risk.

  The Big Lads

  There are dozens of giant humanoid species roaming Tinnethaine, from the tree-like Gargelms of Mathelvayle to the Ettins of Syrillar, and the Trolls, Ogres and Frost Giants of the mountain regions. They all maintain simple, tool-using cultures, and are generally respectful of the Pact of Grimlakk. For ease of classification, these are all lumped together under the category of ‘the Big Lads’. They are mostly reasonable, with disastrous exceptions.

  Some time after stopping for lunch, I caught my first glance of a fantastic humanoid. We were crawling up yet another scree-choked pass, when the cart’s donkey grew agitated. Sniffing the wind, my guide sat bolt upright with alarm, and brought the cart to a dead stop. I tried to ask what was happening, but he clamped a filthy hand over my mouth and extended a wobbling finger into the blizzard ahead.

  It was an Ogre – or potentially a Troll? It was hard to tell through the flurries of snow, but it was definitely that sort of thing: huge and grey and horribly muscular, like an elephant forced into the shape of a man and made to subsist on a diet of raw steak. I am fairly sure it had tusks, and it carried what appeared to be a club of some kind (possibly a big bone?) over its shoulder. Even though it must have been eighty yards away, its footfalls caused pebbles to rattle down the mountainside beside us and bounce against the cart’s wheels.

  For a moment I thought it was coming straight for us, and my bowels grew loose – the bloody thing would polish off our donkey like a braying kebab, then knock us back as a ghastly amuse-bouche – but then it wandered off into a side branch of the pass and disappeared. A long while after the rumble of its footsteps had subsided, my guide offered me a bleak nod, and we continued on our way.

  — FROM THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF FLOYD WATT

  3. PLANNING YOUR TRIP

  When to Visit

  Making an exception for the frankly bizarre climate of Fysteros, Mittelvelde is good to visit all year round, with no particularly punishing extremes of weather. More martially inclined travellers should take note that campaign season is in early spring, when Tharnish expeditions and Dwarven Grudging parties tend to head out into Mathelvayle to disperse camps of rogue Orcs. There are also a number of festivals that are worth catching if you can:

  Larathariarien

  This Elvish festival, held on the Spring Equinox, is meant to celebrate rebirth. Or death. Or boiled eggs, for all we know. Mainly it involves the last remaining Elves parading slowly through the woods, keening an eerie song and waving lanterns about. Which is all right, if you like that sort of thing.

  BLAZGAN!!!!

  Named after the famous Dwarven battle cry,[26] this midwinter extravaganza – also known as ‘opposites week’ – totally transforms Dwarven society. After a year of backbreaking labour, the Dwarves blow off steam by spending a week acting in the most undwarvenly manner possible. They are idle, overly polite, and eat and drink completely reasonably, giving them a rare respite from the thundering hangovers that otherwise accompany a life of hard liquor and heavy industry.

  Bisontide

  Bisontide, an event celebrating the defeat of the Duke of Night, is held four times each year, and participation is mandatory for all citizens of Tharn and its vassal kingdoms. Bisontide customs include the smashing by children of large paper-mâché Orc effigies and the bellowing of incredibly aggressive ‘carols’ in pubs. All in all, a great family day out.[27]

  The Grand Old Duke of Orcs,

  She had ten-thousand Orcs

  She marched them up to the top of the hill

  And we slaughtered them for the glory of the Bison King

  All hail the Bison King.

  — Popular Bisontide Carol

  Blood of the Children

  For many years, it was presumed that the Orcish summer festival of Bruhz-nur, or Blood of the Children, was some kind of monstrous carnival of infanticide. Now that visitors are finally being allowed in to witness the ceremony, however, it turns out to be a weird contest in which Goblins gather to show off their talents before elder Orcs. Apparently, to the Orcs, Bruhz means blood in the sense of vim and vigour when used in the genitive case, rather than actual, y’know, violence juice.[28] Still, it’s odd that the event’s name references children when there’s none to be seen at the festival itself – just Goblins. Where do the Orcs keep their kids, anyway?[29]

  Getting Around

  Most of Mittelvelde is best experienced at walking pace, although cart services run between most of the major destinations, especially south of Kolkozar.[30] Horses and other steeds are available for daily hire, though it’s worth noting that the small woolly rhinoceroses favoured by the Dwarves are famously intolerant of male riders.[31]

  RULES AND REGULATIONS

  At the start of any trip to Mittelvelde you’ll need to report to the Bison King’s capital of Bannahirr in order to procure the right travel documentation. On arrival, you’ll head to the Visitor Orientation Meadhall for a quick briefing and security check by the Bison King’s special knights[32] – mainly, they’ll be no bother at all and will just want to check you’re not planning on bringing contraband to any Orcish settlements. After that you’ll be free to party the night away at any one of the city’s sanctioned Revelry Areas, before tucking yourself in for bed at the brand new Grand Bisonia Hotel, a … marvellous edifice, which stands as testament to the King’s burgeoning love affair with concrete. While you’re there, why not take in one of the astonishing military parades held by the King’s men at arms, visit the city’s Monster Zoo[33] or watch one of the Wizard Shows? They are all excellent value.

  Eating and Drinking

  Being largely a medieval-ish world, you’d be forgiven for assuming Mittelvelde’s food was nothing to write home about. But due in part to the superbly fertile landscape and in part to the prevalence of hearth magic in even the humblest kitchens, the bog-standard peasant kibble here is sublime. And if you’ve got the gold to splash out on fresh food, fine drinks and exotic meats, you can eat like the Bison King himself.

  MITTELVELDE’S

/>   BEST BARS and RESTAURANTS

  The Bisonhall: For a reasonable pre-arranged donation, travellers can dine in the style of the Bison King himself, sampling vintage meads and meaty delights from across the realm, at the heart of the capital. Although the signature dish of silver bison is no longer available, and you can no longer eat in the King’s actual hall (the new venue is a larger replica with more table space, and has a rotating cast of bards playing the man himself), it’s still a must-see.

  Floyd’s Tip

  Keep your diet carnivorous around Gargelms, the gigantic tree people of the forest, or eat nothing at all. Chomping an apple in front of one of these folks is the equivalent of sitting down for lunch with a human and taking a big, cheerful bite out of a bollock. Massive party foul; they’ll flatten you.

  Nourishment Depot Seven: Meat’s not been on the menu for some time at this austere cafeteria for the working Orcs of New Tharn, but if you want a genuine taste of greyskin food, this is the place. The portions of fried bogworm and bloddtuber mash are truly warrior-sized, designed to sustain an Orc’s burly frame during an eighteen-hour shift at the forges. And, of course, it’s all washed down with gallons of the potent local liquor, Grak. Joyously authentic, especially when the locals sing their welcome song.[34]

  Illeiythan: Named after the Elvish word for ‘enjoy yourself,’ this luxury game ranch at the heart of Syrillar – part of a new chain based in Bannahirr – offers a smorgasbord of BBQ big game[35] served up by quaint Orc serving staff in traditional ‘warrior’s’ garb. Of course, there are no actual Elves here, but the decor is inspired by their spires of living silver, and there’s a good selection of wines looted from the cellars of Alethiar.