Notes from Small Planets

by Nate Crowley

  The Authentic Lord Bleakheart’s Death Nuptuals Experience: The Fysterosi capital of Calthang’s Keep is perhaps most famous for the infamous Death Nuptuals of Lord Bleakheart, a wedding feast at which fully half the guests were massacred in a culmination of years of brutal realpolitik. Now, after unprecedented demand from tourists, the Death Nuptuals are re-enacted twice a month: the feasts can run in excess of seventy courses, and inevitably end with the revelation that one of the dishes contained human meat, at which point the murders usually start. Guests are always guaranteed safety amid the massacre – but even so, it’s not for those with weak stomachs.

  Currency

  While all of Mittelvelde’s peoples have their own currencies, travellers can cover themselves by converting their money into gold or one of the standard Dwarven alloys such as dwarronium. As part of his modernisation agenda, the Bison King has recently standardised currency across the many vassal kingdoms of Tharn, and Bison Groats are now accepted in all human territories.

  DAILY SAMPLE COSTS

  BUDGET: Less than 50 Bison Groats

  Overnight stay in a peasant’s hog shed: 12 BG

  Evening meal of potato stew and ale: 8 BG

  Guide for an afternoon in Rannewicke (songs included): 18 BG

  Ticket to jeer at a captured Goblin in the stocks: 4 BG

  MIDRANGE: 50–120 Bison Groats

  Dwarven guest cell and oil lighting: 35 BG

  Roast cave salamander and Dwarven wine: 18 BG

  Guards for a delve into the deep: 42 BG

  Decent seat at the bat fights: 15 BG

  TOP END: More than 120 Bison Groats

  Bison-class suite at the Grand Bisonia Hotel in Bannahirr: 100 BG

  Dragon loin sautéed with semi-illegal Gargelm fronds: 80 BG

  Company of mercenaries to lead into battle: 240 BG

  Raven flight from Bannahirr to Alethiar: 94 BG

  Don’t Forget to Pack …

  Old-school clothes

  In terms of gear, any travellers in Mittelvelde should wear medieval garments, if only to avoid funny looks,[36] so it’s worth investing in a couple of tunics at least, and maybe some chainmail if you’re planning on starting trouble.

  Basic medicines

  Mittelvelde is actually a fairly great place to get seriously ill or injured, as the magical healing offered by Wizards is, while pricey, nothing short of miraculous.[37] Nevertheless, basic medical needs are either not met at all or are covered by ludicrous local practices, such as the horrific Orcish custom of ‘healing ants’.[38] Stock up.

  Orc treats

  If you’re one of the increasing number of people embarking on homestay trips with traditional Orc communities, make sure you bring gifts, as it is customary for Orcs to exchange favours before and after being hosted. Without knowing exactly what Orcs like, you’re probably safe packing some manky blood, a dead scorpion or something equally horrible.[39]

  Manners and Etiquette

  Know your ancestry

  Genealogy is a massive deal for pretty much every culture in Mittelvelde. When introducing yourself, you should be able to rattle off at least two layers of ‘son of/daughter of’, so make sure you’re either well acquainted with your family history or a consistent bullshitter. Because make no mistake: you will be quizzed.

  Remember that Elves have weird manners

  Trying to interact normally with Elves is a nightmare. Eye contact is either grossly offensive or mandatory, depending on the height of the sun, and different hand gestures are required when greeting members of any one of Elven society’s sixty-three castes.

  Try not to notice the Dwarven accent

  For some reason, any translation software you care to use will interpret Dwarven speech as a mangled parody of a Scottish accent, with every term of address translated as ‘laddie’. Nobody knows why, and it can’t be helped. But for pity’s sake, don’t laugh. As far as the Dwarves are concerned they speak like yacht-club billionaires, and they really don’t like it when people giggle.[40]

  Don’t mention the war

  It’s always worth remembering that the War of the Haunted Mace didn’t end too long ago and has left many cultural sore spots. Especially in mixed company, you’ll want to avoid getting into political discussions about the conflict, so as to avoid any … orcwardness. Even in human-only groups, you may encounter unsavoury detractors of the Bison King, and even some who claim he wouldn’t have won the war at all without the shipment of assault rifles that mysteriously appeared in Bannahirr at the last minute,[41] but these bitter agitators just aren’t worth your time.

  4. SUGGESTED ITINERARIES

  1: A JOURNEY IN THE DARK:

  (1 Week)

  Rannewicke to Mathelvayle, via the Underground

  This trip offers a smorgasbord of Mittelveldian delights, taking travellers from the creature comforts of Rannewicke to the homely, bone-adorned chic of the Orcs, via the splendour of the Dwarven capital.

  DAY 1

  After arrival in Rannewicke, you’ll tour a series of villages on an extremely slow pony cart, in order to endure a series of punishingly substantial rustic lunches with the stout, simple locals. The day will inevitably end with a party[42] whose nature can vary: sometimes it’s a village-square spectacular with fireworks and an old geezer who vanishes during a speech, sometimes it’s a load of vengeful Dwarves conducting a home invasion. Either way, you’ll eat your head’s weight in cake.

  DAY 2

  Following a famous Rannewicke breakfast, you’ll enjoy a second, third and maybe even a fourth famous Rannewicke breakfast[43] until early evening, when you’ll head to the famous Borked Orc Inn[44] for the night. During the war, this boarding house became notorious for cowled spectres showing up in the middle of the night to stab people, and while it’s totally safe now, it’s worth checking for sword-marks on the floorboards of your room. It’s also the place where the party of heroes that finally destroyed the Haunted Mace was assembled, and these days it’s crowded with wild-eyed wannabes hoping for another war to break out.

  TROLL YOUR KIDS

  Those with kids to take care of might also want to consider hiring one of Rannewicke’s friendly Trolls to ‘kidnap’ their progeny and threaten them with a roasting over a campfire. At a signal pre-arranged with the Big Lad, the crafty parent can then spring from the darkness, ‘fighting off’ the Troll and becoming a hero to their child for ever. The experience also gifts any parent with a credible ‘if you don’t behave, the Trolls will get you again’ threat that will stay good for years. Worth its weight in gold.

  DAY 3

  On the third day, you’ll join a goods caravan headed north to Kolkozar City – the capital of the Dwarves, beneath the Wyrmryggrad mountains. At the trading post of Zoj, you’ll be loaded aboard a train of colossal bronze minecarts, which will then be dragged underground by a gang of Blozzh, the enormous flightless bats used as beasts of burden by the Dwarves.[45] Spend the journey learning the off-key working dirges of the train crew and marvelling at the glow-crabs on the tunnel ceiling. When you finally arrive at Kolkozar central station, experience a traditional Dwarven welcome of ceremonial headbutting, before settling down in your guest grotto, or potentially the city hospital.

  DAY 4

  After a traditional Dwarven breakfast of fried worldsump mushrooms and a pint of chilled owl blood, it’ll be time to meet with your personal guide for a gruellingly in-depth tour of Kolkozar’s forge works and smelting plants.[46] Once you’re done (or you find a way to make it stop), head down the deep tunnels to the royal menagerie, where you can see troglofauna such as rockchomper grubs, albino cavern lemurs, and even the great olms in their stalagmite-choked pools. When the city begins to bustle with the evening-shift changeover, rent some ceremonial chainmail and a false beard, and head to the Grand Kolkozar Opera to see the Military Choir recite a classic folk dirge. Alternatively, book a space in the public galleries for the Queen’s nightly banquet, or grab a few cans and head to the bat figh
ts.[47] Whatever you do, you’re in for a severe ale monstering.

  DAY 5

  Hangover.

  DAY 6

  Once you’ve recovered, you’ll be mounting up with a platoon of Dwarven cavalry and heading north out the other side of the Wyrmryggrads to the forest of Mathelvayle. Your hosts will be out on a Grudging, a traditional raid in the style of the Dwarves’ old Orc-hunting expeditions. These days, however, Grudgings are strictly non-lethal affairs, funded by the Bison King and tasked with dispersing unlawful camps of Orcs and Goblins in the deep woods, before resettling them in permitted townships at the forest’s edge.[48] Make camp with the Dwarves for the night and shake your head in disbelief that they’re drinking again.

  DAY 7

  After bidding farewell to the Dwarves (tourists are not permitted to attend the official business of a Grudging), you’ll be guided to Buluk, the Orcish homestay where you’ll end your trip. Buluk is one of the sanctioned, protected encampments where resettled Orcs and Goblins can live in peace in their traditional style, and is apparently charming. I didn’t actually do this bit of the trip, as I had business to return to in Bannahirr, but here’s a testimonial from some bleeding-heart gap-year type[49] we hired as a freelancer.

  — TESTIMONIAL —

  Even though they’re still living by the rugged customs of their ancestors, I’m a huge fan of the back-to-basics authenticity that comes with living at home with Orcs. There’s just so much to learn from the quiet dignity of these big-hearted people, and there’s no doubt as to how grateful they are to learn from offworlders in return.

  In Buluk, you can stay with a real family of Orcs at a modest boarding rate, with all proceeds going to the upkeep of community property via the Bison King’s Benevolent Trust (BKBT). I stayed with Benedict (his actual name was B’nak’dek’shash, but that was very hard to pronounce), a small business owner who lived in a tusk-roofed roundhouse with his husbands and three small children, and he was a delight.

  You may find your host gruff and often seemingly frustrated, as I did at first, but don’t be fooled; this is just the Orcish way. All too soon, you’ll come to learn that what seems like a miserable grunt is in fact an indulgent chuckle, if you listen right!

  Life moves at a slower pace among the Orcs, so you should take the time to relax, help yourself to home cooking (the weevil fritters are a must!), and admire the beautiful, tusk-heavy orchitecture of their community buildings. While you’re there, don’t miss out on the chance to play Fakhtash-Vun with the settlement’s children – this cool traditional game, which translates as ‘survive the raid’, sees children run and hide silently for hours, until imaginary Dwarven cavalry have passed by. Very cute.

  On your last night, why not participate in one of the Orcs’ incredibly atmospheric religious ceremonies? I went to an awesome candlelit recital of something or other, and although I couldn’t understand the words, it was deeply moving. From the raised mound they were all gathered around, I think it was some kind of agricultural thing?

  — Sid Necklace, 21, Student

  WHY NOT … GIANT CENTIPEDES?

  If you’re headed to Mathelvayle anyway, consider paying a visit to Queen Shn’Shn’Nk in her glade at the heart of the woods. Her people, the centipede-like Scolopendrakin, were thought to be little more than brutal monsters when they fought under the banner of the Duke. And to be fair, they do look completely vile. Since the Pact of Grimlakk, however, they’ve proven to be sound conversationalists and excellent hosts, and have taken to tourism with astonishing enthusiasm. Dinner and storytelling in one of their mud-coil burrow-yurts, lit by the arse of a giant tame firefly, is a spellbinding experience, despite the gibber-inducing looks of your hosts.

  2: DUNGEONS AND FLAGONS:

  (3 Days)

  Adventure Weekend in Descensus

  This long weekend break, ideal for those with more testosterone than sense, will see you thrown into the very literal deep end of Mittelvelde.

  DAY 1

  The trip starts in chilly Kranagar, and the fortified town of Spörn, which exists only to service Descensus with food, supplies and fresh adventurers. Before you take the magical portal down to the Descensus, you’ll have to fill in a good few forms detailing your skills, characteristics and – weirdly – your attitudes towards good, evil, law and chaos.[50]

  DAY 2

  Almost every night out in Descensus ends with a bunch of strangers drunkenly swearing an oath of loyalty to each other, and promising they’ll head out to reach the bottom of the Dungeon the next day. A group formed this way is likely to be a mixed bag: there will be someone who’s not taking things seriously and just wants to steal everything, and some arsehole who wants to waste time having long conversations with monsters. Nevertheless, most teams can probably make it to the double-figure levels in a day (where rats and bats give way to walking skeletons and living slime), meaning that by the second evening you’ll have the kudos to drink at slightly less horrific establishments.

  DAY 3

  By day three your party will probably have accrued a decent selection of magical items, a good few trophies from a day’s monster hunting and a selection of memories that will haunt you all in the small hours for the rest of your lives, even as you all insist the trip has been ‘a right laugh’. At this point, it’s your choice as to whether you want to venture downwards again: in the levels beyond fifteen or so, you pass beyond the territory kept clear by casual visitors to Descensus, and shit starts getting seriously dark.[51] Unless you’ve got a mind – and a sword arm – made of iron, it’s probably best just to spend the day idling in town, and go home with some good stories.

  The light from a patch of luminescent slime mould revealed a cramped chamber, lined with alcoves like the one in which I had woken after my ill-advised beer nap, and each marked with a time-corroded statue of a Dwarf. Everything was covered in worryingly thick cobwebs, and the air was damp and thick with the smell of rotten linen. This had ‘ancient tomb’ written all over it. Confirming my worst fear, I looked back into the alcove and – yes – there was the web-clogged skeleton I had clearly shoved out of the way to make room to sleep.

  I didn’t want to look a second time, but I couldn’t resist noticing that the carcass wore a magnificent dwarronium ring on the brown bones of its left index finger. This posed a dilemma. The last thing I wanted to do, especially in my delicate state, was touch the thing again. But then, what fun is dungeoneering if you don’t take souvenirs?

  Cringing, and fighting back a mouthful of sick, I reached gingerly for the skeleton’s hand, and began to uncurl the bony fingers. The dwarf had a grip like a vice even in death, however, so I had to get right back in the alcove and use both hands. I got tangled up in the horrible bones, and thought I was just doing a magnificently cack-handed job of looting, until I realised the skeleton was fighting back.

  This was my first encounter with the Undead, and luckily for me it was as brief as it was unpleasant. By sheer good fortune, while flailing to keep the thing’s grasping hand from my face, I managed to snap off the finger bearing the ring, and the whole body collapsed in a lifeless jumble. I retched again. Then, with shaking hands, I took the sword and pocketed the finger with its ring – after first making sure it wasn’t wriggling.

  And that’s how I became Level Nine holidaymaker.

  — FROM THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF FLOYD WATT

  3. SYRILLARR[52] AND ALETHIAR:

  (5 Days/For Ever)

  High Adventure on the Elven Way

  Few can resist the chance to glimpse the mysteries at the heart of the Elven exodus – but be warned: this trip can get frighteningly metaphysical.

  DAYS 1–4

  Starting at the ancient border town of T’lashun on Syrillar’s edge, you’ll set out on the old Elven Way, a straight road of seamless stone leading from Mathelvayle all the way to the old coastal capital of Alethiar. Take the trip at a sedate pace on muleback, or try your hand at the emerging extreme sport known as steppesurfin
g, in which a wind spirit is harnessed through basic aeromancy then ridden on a sail-equipped cart behind at bone-shaking speeds.[53] If you’re big on faded grandeur, camp for the night at one of the Elven Songbeacons. Carved into isolated outcrops of stone on the plain, these eerie statues of Elves experiencing acute torture once allowed their builders to speak across vast tracts of land in an instant. While the statues have been silent for more than a century now, it is said that if you climb to the antlered brow of one in the dead of night you can still hear faint sobs and mutterings from inside.

  DAY 5

  Finally, you’ll reach the towering white walls of Alethiar itself. There are a few other Elvish settlements along the coast, but there’s frankly little point in going all that way and not seeing the big one. What you experience there will vary, however: some travellers report the place to be freshly deserted, while others say it is long abandoned. Others still, myself included, saw something else entirely. Whatever you encounter there, one thing is vital to remember: do not accept any offer to cross the sea. While it may seem the most compelling proposition in the world at the time, it is not what it seems: the journey west is no pleasure cruise, but a metaphor for the passing of an age, and death itself. In short, a rubbish holiday. Or the holiday of a lifetime – but not in a good way. In any case, you have been warned.