Washed Out

by Safa Shaqsy

  I swallowed, “I’m your daughter, Celia.”

  She opened her mouth, and looked surprised that she had a daughter, “You are? You’re gorgeous,” She admitted, and brushed my hair that laid over my shoulder. I couldn’t keep the tears from flooding again, and I let it wash out my despair. And I thought, if tears could wash out my emotions, and pain too.

  I was washed out.

  I gave up on faith, and hope. I wish the time would go back, or some magical goddess of time came up to me and offered me the wish of the past, because I wanted the past to return, so I could fix it. If Ned and Kent came back to me, I would have made the right decisions. But I didn’t know.

  Mom closed her eyes, and moved her lips, “I’m hungry,” she said, “Can you bring me some food?”

  “Sure, I’ll go to the cafeteria and bring some,” I sniffed, and walked to the door, but her voice stopped me.

  “Celia?” She called.

  And I turned around, “Yes?” My heart was racing. I had an instant happiness to hear her talk again, and I wanted that to last forever. Part of me said that she might have recovered, and the other part said that that was part of the illness, is that she can get back to reality, but soon enough she goes back to her own world again. Back to her fantasy world. Away from us. Away from pain. Sometimes, I wished that my mind was away and stress free.

  “What dear?” She asked.

  “I don’t know, you called me,” I answered.

  “Oh, what a nice ride,” she murmured to herself.

  I averted my eyes, and looked down as I walked to the cafeteria. I found Max and Jane sitting around a table. I took some food on the tray, and went to sit across from them in the same table. I put the tray down with force that made the table tremor a bit. They looked at each other with concern, and turned to me.

  “I’ll never get her back,” I confessed, and looked at the table, “She’ll never recover.”

  Max and Jane extended their hands, and put their hands over mine on the table. Max nodded her head, “Maybe, but she feels your presence, Celia, and that’s what’s important,” She comforted.

  “Yeah, I mean, she’s your mom, she won’t totally forget you,” Jane said.

  I nodded, “How’d we continue like this?” I asked myself, because I knew about her condition too well. That she had limited time to live, and doctors said that she will get worse, and that there was an end to it, but not a good one. It took me a lot of time to accept that reality of her, and that we would be alone after a few years from now. Who knew until when she would live? I wanted her to live longer with us, but that meant more suffering for her. I couldn’t decide which one was better, and I didn’t want to either.

  “I know,” I said, “Thank you for babysitting Adam, and Amelia, I could never thank you enough.”

  “That’s why we are here,” Max confirmed.

  I grabbed the tray of food, “I need to take some food to her,” I said and got up with my tray, and headed to my mom’s room. I found Dad sitting on the chair I had been sleeping in yesterday night. He got up. “I haven’t talked to you about yesterday, because I wanted you to take your time, but I’m sorry about what happened yesterday,” he confessed.

  “It doesn’t matter, Dad,” I said.

  “I didn’t know they would fight...” He trailed off.

  “Dad, it’s okay, really?” I cut him off. I offered him the tray and said, “I brought her some food.” Not looking at his eyes.

  “Thank you,” he said, and took the tray, and went to sit beside her. He started feeding her, and whispering to her as she started eating. I got out of the room, and sat on the outside chair that was placed by the wall. I looked down at the floor, and breathed in the smell of the hospital, and looked at the nurses, and doctors rushing in and out. Every person there had their own lives, and their own struggles. Some of them probably had the worst cases, but we couldn’t see beyond our periphery, because we as humans were so caught up with our ego selves. We wanted our lives to be prefect like other people’s lives, but what made us think that others had the perfect lives? What made us assume that their smiles, and good gestures were the signs of happiness in their lives? Would wanting a perfect life makes us flawed in our eventful lives? Suffering would mean that we were perfect in our flawed world, because everyone suffers. So my life struggles didn’t make me unique from the other people who were suffering too, and that meant that I wasn’t alone after all.

  “Celia?” Amelia asked while she held Adam’s hand, and they both looked down at me.

  “Yes?”

  “Is Mom okay?” She asked.

  I nodded, “She is okay now.”

  “Are you saying this to make us feel better and secure, or is it the truth?” Adam asked to make sure I wasn’t lying.

  “Yes, Adam, it’s the truth. You can go inside and check on her,” I suggested.

  They exchanged looks, and hesitantly walked in the room.

  AFTER A FEW DAYS AT the hospital, we took Mom back home with us. That morning, we were finally home again, and I could get back to my daily routine again. Routine was boring, but it meant that we were living a normal life. Well, almost a normal life. The moment, we got home, I went upstairs and opened my parents’ bedroom door for Dad to bring Mom inside as he held her arms.

  “Thank you, dear, I’ll take it from here,” he said.

  “Are you sure, Dad?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’ll give her the pills and get her back to sleep. Don’t worry,” he said with exhaustion. I couldn’t blame him for being exhausted, we have been in the hospital for days, and the chairs didn’t help our backs after we slept on them most of the nights.

  “Okay, just let me know if you need anything,” I offered.

  “Okay,” he replied.

  I went to my room, and collapsed on the bed. I closed my eyes; the soft mattress felt like heaven after those hospital chairs that broke my back. I opened my eyes, pulled out my phone, and checked my messages. I had a lot of texts from Kent, and nothing from Ned.

  Kent: Hey, boo

  Kent: I’m so sorry about yesterday

  Kent: Hello?

  Me: I don’t want to talk

  Kent: Please, give me a chance

  Kent: I won’t repeat my mistakes

  Kent: I promise

  Me: Are you kidding me?

  Me: You never lived up to any of your promises!

  Me: You’re a liar and a cheater

  Me: Just leave me alone

  Kent: I’m not a jerk

  Kent: I didn’t mean to hurt you, Celia

  Kent: I promise I’ll change

  Me: Stop it!

  Me: Don’t you have a girlfriend?

  Kent: I had, but we broke up

  Me: Yeah, no sympathy on that

  Kent: She was never like you

  Kent: And she never will

  Kent: You’re different

  Me: Yeah, I believe you

  Me: You poor thing!

  Kent: Don’t be like that, boo

  Me: Stop calling me boo

  Me: I’m not your boo

  Kent: Okay

  Kent: But please forgive me

  Kent: I don’t know what happened to me yesterday

  Kent: But I felt so protective

  Kent: Like back when we were together

  Kent: When I thought about it, I knew what that was

  Me: What was it?

  Kent: That I still have feelings for you

  Me: It doesn’t matter, Kent

  Me: I got over you, so get over it

  Me: I’m moving on

  Me: And I’m not sorry

  I closed the chat, and blocked his number for good. I don’t know how I surprised myself like that, but it felt so good, and made me feel so powerful and in control of my emotions and feelings. I had the power all along to do what I had to do. I wasn’t weak; I was just confused about myself. I had this inner strength all along, but I chose to ignore it and let other people control my feeli
ngs. After that triumph, I had to tell my girls.

  Celia added Max back to the group

  Me: Welcome back!

  Max: Glad to be back ;)

  Jane: Yay, we’re back at it

  Me: Let’s not do this again?

  Max: Oh yes, never again

  Jane: LOL

  Me: By the way, I just blocked Kent

  Max sent a surprise smiley sticker

  Jane: Really?

  Me: Yes, he was begging for my forgiveness

  Me: I couldn’t let him fool me again

  Max sent a crying smiley sticker

  Max: Oh, my baby is growing up

  Max: I’m so proud of you

  Jane: We all are :)

  Me: I am proud of myself too

  Max: It’s bad that you didn’t get Ned back

  Max: What are you going to do now?

  Jane: Maybe you should wait, and he’ll come back again?

  Me: I don’t know

  Me: Maybe

  Max: I really suggest you move on until he shows up again

  Max: Who knows when he’ll be back, or maybe never

  Jane: Max is right

  Jane: You need to have more options

  Me: It’s hard after I’ve built a relationship with him

  Me: I have to think about this

  Max: Let’s download Blinder and open a profile ;)

  Jane: And mingle and dance in the clubs

  Max: As long as Jane doesn’t embarrass us after she gets drunk

  Jane: Can’t stop my body from dancing if there was any music

  Me: Lol

  Me: That’s amazing, really

  Me: I just don’t know if I want to be out and fabulous again

  Me: I hope you girls understand

  Jane: Yeah sure take your time

  Max: No problem

  Max: But I’m still going to download that app

  Jane: Where the guys at!

  Me: Have fun

  Me: Try not to admire the ones who don’t reciprocate

  Max: I’ll try hard

  Max: Even harder when I see abs ;)

  Jane: Wooh

  Me: What did you say about the club and dancing again?

  Max: LOL

  Max: We can meet up tomorrow

  Max: Jane and I will be at your place this weekend

  Jane: Let’s first finish up with those projects

  Jane: So be ready this weekend

  Me: Okay, great

  Me: First I need a dress

  Me: A very short dress

  Max: MINI DRESS

  Jane: and we gonna flirt, drink and dance

  Max: I don’t want to hear any excuses, Celia

  Max: You’ll need to step up your game, and get to know some guys

  Me: Oh, great

  Celia sent a palm face sticker

  Max: Come on, grandma, it would be fun

  Me: Fine, I’ll mingle

  Jane: Then see you this weekend

  Me: Can’t wait...

  Chapter Twenty-One

  THE NEXT MORNING SHOULD have never came, as I thought while I laid on my bed, thinking about yesterday. I couldn’t forget Ned’s face when he saw Kent talking to me; the shock and the look of betrayal. He was really hurt, and it was my fault. I shouldn’t have made Kent feel at ease with me. I closed my eyes, and opened them, and stared at the shut curtains that let a little sunlight through them. Maybe I will not wake up today, I thought. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day with less pain in my chest.

  I heard the door open behind my back, and heard Dad say, “Good morning, we made some breakfast. Are you coming down stairs?”

  I sighed, “I don’t feel like eating. Maybe later,” I replied.

  “Okay,” he said, “You know you can talk to me, honey.”

  I didn’t reply, and cuddled in my blanket.

  “I’ll leave you for now,” Dad said, and closed the door behind me.

  I felt better staying on my bed, and staring at the window. It looked peaceful, and bright. And I needed to think for a while, before I got out in the public and started my social life again. I needed sometime to feel bad for myself, and hate what I did the day before. I wasn’t ready to be happy again.

  My phone rang, and I groaned, “Now what?”

  I picked up my phone, and answered the phone call, “Hello?”

  “Wake up, sunshine. We’re going out today,” Max exclaimed.

  I groaned, “Can you be less excited this morning?” I asked.

  “I know you hate this morning, but you have to get out,” Max explained, “We came here to hang out with you.”

  “You’re both here?” I questioned.

  “Yeah, like we said, we’re going out this weekend,” Max said excitedly.

  I groaned.

  “Celia, come on. Don’t be a party pooper,” Max said, “Plus, there are plenty of guys who probably fancy you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about guys. Not today,” I refused, “Please.”

  “Sure, as long as we have fun today,” Max said, “Be ready, we’re heading your way.”

  “Okaaaaaaaay,” I said with laziness, “I need to get up first.”

  “Take your time. See you later,” Max said, and hung up.

  I placed my phone on the bedside table, and got up. I went to the window, and opened the curtains to let the sunlight in my room. I looked at the view down, and wished that Ned would park in our driveway, and pick me up for a date again. I was willing to call him and check on him, and see whether he started seeing someone else. I was worried that he’d forget about me, and never come back. The stress level was unbearable. What if it was too late? What if he forgot about me and moved on?

  AFTER I TOOK A SHOWER and dressed in my casual outfit, not the one I’ll go out with. I laid on the bed on my back, and stared at the ceiling. It was a little before afternoon, and I heard chatters in the hallway. The door opened and Max came in with Jane dressed in their best outfits, and wearing makeup.

  Max stood in front of me, and rested her hands on the sides of her hips, “We’re going to mingle, and have fun today!” she announced.

  I groaned, “Whyyyyyyyyy?”

  “You need to get up, and get dressed, come on,” Max ordered. She grabbed my hand and pulled me on my feet.

  “Nooooo,” I grumbled.

  “Yes!” Jane said at her side, “Celia, have some faith. You need to get out.”

  They both pushed me to the closet, and opened the doors.

  Max raised her eyebrow, “What are you waiting for? Pick an outfit,” she ordered.

  Jane smiled, “A sexy one!” she suggested.

  “And with a bit of makeup, eyes will be on you,” Max said, and winked.

  “But I don’t want to be the center of attention,” I complained, “I’m not ready to be fabulous!”

  They both laughed.

  “Trust us, you’ll forget about Ned in no time,” Max promised.

  “In no time!” Jane repeated.

  “And you’ll find a prince, and get married, and live happily ever after,” Max continued.

  “Happily ever after!” Jane repeated.

  I sighed, “What did I say about guys earlier?”

  “Sorry, but you look miserable. You need a dating life!” Max stated.

  “I am. You’re right,” I confessed, and picked an outfit with a smile.

  “That’s what I’m talking about,” Max said, and winked.

  “Thank you both for being here. I don’t know how to thank you,” I shook my head slightly.

  “Don’t worry, we’re besties,” Jane said.

  “Yes, we are,” Max agreed.

  After I put on my outfit and makeup, we left my house and Max drove around the neighborhood. Jane opened a can of beer and took a sip from it. She turned back to where I sat in the backseat, and said, “Come on, Celia, you have to shake it up, and have fun.”

  Have fun? I thought.

  I was so heartbroken from wh
at happened earlier with the two guys I loved the most. I didn’t even realize I was in love with Ned until we broke up, which basically made me feel much worse, but yeah. I snatched the can of beer from Jane’s hand, sipped some from it, and swallowed it hard.

  “Woooooh,” I screamed.

  Jane and Max laughed out loud, and hooted as well.

  Jane, “I like the new Celia!”

  “We’re going to have so much fun that you’ll forget both your exes!” Max promised.

  “Yeah, we will!” I shouted, and held my beer up high.

  When I saw the library ahead of us, the one that Ned took me to one day, I shouted to Max’s ear, “Stop at the library!”

  Max pressed on the brakes so hard that we jumped forward, and we screamed for our lives.

  “Are you crazy?” Max yelled at me, and cursed, “You could have got us killed!”

  “I... I need to go,” I got out of the car, and ran to the library entrance. The girls followed me inside, and we walked through the library that smelled of old books.

  I looked both ways, and looked for the shelf that had the Shakespeare books, and ran my fingers over the old books, browsing the titles.

  “What are you doing?” Jane asked puzzled.

  They both looked at the book in my hand with question.

  I opened the book and read a few lines, and smiled. There were tears in my eyes, and some of them dropped on the pages. I ran my fingers over the lines, the ones he sent me inside a box.

  I contemplated how I missed him so bad, and that I probably will never see or talk to him ever again. I accepted every feeling I had inside me, and cried, and imagined what he would have said to me to make me feel better.

  I love him.

  It was not a second guess; I just knew it.

  Then I heard a voice behind me that made me stop crying, “Don't waste your love on somebody, who doesn't value it. How true what he wrote about the subject of love.”

  I turned around and saw Ned wearing his glasses again, and with a book in hand. If I had no control over myself at that time when I saw his face again, I would have screamed in the library. There was something about his voice that was so soothing, and comforting. I wanted to kiss him again, and tell me how sorry I was.

  He walked closer to me, “You’re here to read with an evening party dress?”

  I averted my eyes, and looked around me. People were staring at me and whispering. I was ashamed of how much I needed to be with him, but I had to be strong about it and tell me how I felt.