“But what if I’d be happy? I don’t think you know me well enough, to know what is or isn’t good for me!”
“I know it’s not good for me!” he said frustrated.
“Then why do it?” she asked toning down her anger.
“I don’t have a choice. I need money to live. It’s not like I have any family that I can count on or anything like that. Sawyer got nearly all of the inheritance. This… this is the only way. It’s the only thing I know,” he said looking uncomfortable as the sadness he felt dripped from his words. “I can’t help that I have feelings for you, like real feelings. It’s worse than I care to admit. I want you to be happy, it feels complicated, but it’s really just that simple.”
“But…”
“I could ask you to wait for me, but even that feels wrong.” He looked at the floor.
“It’s even more complicated than you know,” she blurted out as her thoughts drifted over to the big farmhouse.
“What do you mean?”
“I wish I knew how to say this the right way but there’s another person… another man.”
“Oh.”
“I hadn’t planned on any of this, and it’s not my fault! You left me. I thought it was just a one-night stand to you, what was I supposed to do?”
She could tell by his expression that she was right. He hadn’t intended for it to be anything more. It was his fault for letting it turn into more. And now here they were.
“Jane, I don’t know how I’ll make it through the job without thinking about how I’m coming back to you.” He looked at her and their eyes locked. She could see the pain in his eyes, but the pain wasn’t just from this conversation. She didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before. Underneath his tough exterior and that sexy-cocky grin there was a tortured man. She realized that’s why he kept his eyes hidden so often. So no one could see the real Cash.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything just kiss me,” he pleaded and their lips met. This kiss felt different than all the others. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was. He wrapped his arms around her as the trailer door burst open and rattled to a stop.
“Cash, you forgot to take care of the—.” He stopped abruptly when he noticed Cash was with someone, “Shit, sorry.” He started to turn away but paused. It took him a moment, but he realized he recognized the person sitting on Cash’s couch. The person Cash had his mouth pressed against. “Traci?” he asked confused.
“Huh? Traci?” Cash said looking back and forth between Traci and Sawyer. She kept her back to the door, she couldn’t turn to face him. If she did she’d burst into tears. Tears that contained every single emotion she’s been holding inside her since she went to that bar where she first saw Cash and met Sawyer.
Sawyer stomped so hard over to the couch the floor creaked under his steps. He grabbed Cash by the shirt with his fist and lifted him off of the couch. He cranked back his arm and swung towards Cash’s face.
Cash ducked, narrowly missing Sawyers fist which had almost made contact with his face. Sawyer hadn’t expected him to dodge the blow, and it changed his center of gravity. Cash grabbed Sawyer’s arm and twisted it behind his back. It looked as though it was something they had done a million times growing up.
“What the fuck Traci?” Sawyer yelled, glaring at Traci almost in disbelief. His face was red and contorted with anger so deep, she’d never seen anything like it before. If she thought she’d seen Sawyer angry before, that was nothing compared to this.
“Why does he keep calling you Traci?” Cash asked her sounding eerily calm.
“Because that’s her fucking name you fucking asshole! Let me guess, she played the ‘Jane’ game with you too?” Sawyer shouted full of rage, his eyes wide as he stared at Cash, “You know what brother? You win again! Now let me the fuck go!”
“Not until you calm down,” Cash said. Traci buried her face into her hands unable to look up at either of them.
Sawyer yanked himself free and for a brief second looked like he might consider attempting another swing at Cash, but instead he bolted out the door. Cash and Traci were left behind in the aftermath, “Fuck you both!” he hollered from outside. They heard his truck door slam and his tires spin up gravel as he tore down the driveway of his own property.
Cash sat down on the couch leaving space between them. “So the other guy you mentioned is Sawyer. And your name isn’t Jane?”
She shook her head.
“How long have you known we were brothers?” Traci couldn’t believe how calm Cash was. His eyes were behind his hat but his voice was relaxed.
“Since that first night with you. After we uhh…. He came to the door, you said it was your brother. I had known this was his house, but I had assumed you were renting the trailer.”
“You’ve known for a long time.”
“Yes. But I thought you were just a onetime thing remember? At that point there hadn’t been anything really going on between Sawyer and I, other than I knew he had interest in dating me. When I told him my real name, he didn’t call, so I thought I’d screwed that up. Then you were gone, then you came back and everything just kept building up. It just got out of control. I feel awful. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”
“He already hates me so I’m not that much worse off than I was before. I should go look for him. Best if I go alone. Stay here.”
“There you go leaving again…always leaving me behind. You know if it wasn’t for all your leaving none of this would have ever happened!” Traci yelled but deep down she knew she was really mad at herself. She’d only recently found out Cash had feelings for her, he could have told her that sooner, or given her a phone number to reach him. If he would have just told her when he was leaving some of this mess could have been prevented but it was just as much her fault.
“Yeah, I’m a big fuck up. That’s nothing new,” he said as he walked to the door, “I’ll be back.”
“Cash, I couldn’t wait forever, I didn’t even know you were coming back. I thought it was just sex.”
“It was. Until it wasn’t,” he said as he closed the door.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Traci didn’t want to wait for Cash. She didn’t even know what to say to him at this point. Everything was just such a mess. All she knew was that she had to see Sawyer. Her car was back home, so she was stranded on Sawyer’s property with both of the men gone. One of which hated her and the other, well she had no idea how Cash felt about her now.
It felt like she went from having two men wanting her, to having two men hating her.
All she knew was that she had to apologize to Sawyer. Even if he hated her and wouldn’t ever forgive her, she had to try to explain. He hadn’t done anything to her, he’d only ever been kind and sweet to her, and this is what she did to repay him.
She had to try to talk to him even though she knew he’d never forgive her. She had to explain what had happened. She had to tell him she was sorry for what she did to him.
Traci made her way to Sawyer’s house with her arms crossed in front of her. She felt cold even though it wasn’t particularly a cold night. She was trying to think of exactly what she wanted to say to him. The white wicker patio chair seemed like as good of a place as any for her to sit and wait for him. He’d have to come back home eventually for work. She would tell him it was over between her and Cash, and how sorry she was that he had to find out like that. She’d tell him she hadn’t planned any of it. That it all just sort of happened, and she never wanted to hurt him, she just didn’t know what to do since she had feelings for both of them.
She knew everything running through her head wouldn’t be enough. It was all just excuses, at least that’s what Sawyer would think. Her shoulders lurched as she sobbed into her hands, knowing how badly she screwed everything up.
After an hour he still hadn’t come back. She rested her head on her arm, tears still dripping down her cheeks. Traci was so worn out from the emotionally
draining events that she drifted off into a fitful half-sleep in the mildly comfortable chair.
* * *
The nudge at her shoulder startled her. She sat up abruptly and it took her a few minutes to realize where she was. It was still dark out and she was still on Sawyer’s front patio. She looked up to see Sawyer standing over her. He looked distant and disheveled. His hair was wild as if he’d been driving 100 mph with the windows down. His eyes were red and the knuckles on his right hand were scraped and bloody.
“You’re bleeding!” she said reaching out for his hand looking concerned. He twisted away so she couldn’t examine it. Pain coursed through her veins at seeing his reaction to her. She felt sick.
“I’m fine,” he said not looking at her, “What are you doing here?”
Sawyer sounded cold. He was in pain she could see that and he wasn’t doing much to hide it. His rage had calmed but his hurting hadn’t. She looked at her feet, “I wanted to explain.”
“Traci, I don’t even want to hear it,” he said, “You should go.” Sawyer started walking away.
“I can’t. I don’t have my car.”
“Then you’ll just have to go back to Cash.”
“He’s out looking for you.”
“Doesn’t sound like my problem.” Sawyer said reaching for the doorknob.
Traci buried her face into her hands and her shoulders shook as she started to cry all over again. She hadn’t wanted Sawyer to see her like this, but she hadn’t been able to stop it. How there were even any tears left surprised her.
“Fuck!” he said and took a step towards her, “Don’t cry.”
“I’m… fine…,” she said between sniffs.
“I can see that,” Sawyer said with sarcasm so thick it dripped off his tongue.
“Sorry,” she said wiping at her tears, begging herself to stop crying in front of Sawyer. She’d done this to herself and it was utterly unfair to Sawyer that she was the one crying, not that she meant to.
“Come on in, you can stay in the guest room,” Sawyer said walking back to his door. Traci didn’t move, “Seriously, it’s fine, come.”
Traci sniffed again and wiped at her tears smudging her mascara even more than it already was. Reluctantly she got up and followed him inside. They walked up the stairs, Sawyer leading the way and Traci following behind like a lost puppy. He stepped inside the guest room and checked everything over carefully to make sure it was well stocked with anything she might need. He even looked into the bathroom to ensure there were fresh towels.
“I’ll give you a ride in the morning,” Sawyer said taking a final glance over everything, he may have hated her but he still wanted her stay to be perfect. She thought it was fascinating that even though he was so angry with her, he still cared she had a nice stay. It was like he was running some fancy bed-and-breakfast and her experience was important to him.
“Thank you,” she said sitting on the bed burying her face into her hands again. It was easiest for her to just keep her face hidden from him.
Sawyer sighed and started to close the door behind him, “Good night.”
“Sawyer wait, please,” she begged.
“Hmm?” He looked as though he was expecting her to ask for an extra blanket or another pillow, maybe she needed more towels. She stood up and took a careful step towards him, “Sawyer please, just listen, you don’t have to say anything, just let me say what I need to say.”
He looked at her blankly and waited for her to continue.
“I’m sorry. I feel awful….”
He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t move either. His eyes were focused on the door frame.
“None of this was supposed to happen. Not like this. I didn’t know… I didn’t even know you guys were brothers! At least not at first and by the time I found out it was too late.
“I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t even realize how much you really mean to me until tonight that is. There is nothing with me and Cash, it’s over. It’s done—”
“—But there had been something, right? You were in the trailer kissing him. You can’t deny that.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, there was, but it’s different. It’s hard to explain. All I know is when you walked in, I felt so horrible that I had hurt you. It was you I was thinking about. That I worried about. Can we please talk about this? I’ll do anything, whatever it takes. I am so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you,” she said. Her hands pressed together like she was praying, raising them up towards him. Confessing her sins and asking for some form of forgiveness.
Sawyer walked across the room and sat on the bed. She sat down leaving plenty of space between them so he’d feel comfortable. Traci knew the last thing he’d want was to be touched by her or even close to her.
“What can I do? I can’t stand to see you hurting… and because of what I’ve done. I didn’t know when everything first started that you were brothers. When I found out I should have ended things, but it was too late I had developed some kind of feelings for both of you. It was wrong of me and I apologize.” Traci said wanting to reach out to him, to turn his head so she could see his eyes. It was killing her she’d done this to him.
“I could have told you that first night but I didn’t,” he said.
“Why didn’t you?” she asked her voice soft.
“Because every girl on the face of this planet for as long as I can remember, only had eyes for him. All my life, all they ever asked was to know more about Cash. I thought maybe if I practically ignored his existence, maybe you wouldn’t notice him. Guess that didn’t work.”
She realized that whatever it was that had happened between them was something that had been there for a very long time. The extreme dislike for one another hadn’t started because of her, it was something that had existed for a while. Traci didn’t know what to say, all she wanted to say was how sorry she was, over and over and over again.
He continued, “When I was 18… I had this girlfriend, Emma. We’d been together since freshman year high school. We’d spend any free time we had together, which wasn’t a whole heck of a lot because I helped my dad on the farm every day, but we were an official couple. During our senior year we talked about our future and planned on getting married after we finished high school. She’d go to college, and I’d stay here and work the farm until she graduated.”
Traci’s stomach tightened at the mention of the other girl. It was an odd twinge of jealousy that she pushed deep down inside of her. She had no right. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. She waited patiently. It was almost as if he was seeing it all play out in his head like a movie.
“Then when my dad passed away, things changed. My mom had passed away two years before that so it had only been us boys for a while,” he explained before she could ask about his mother, “With dad gone I had even less free time. I finished high school and worked the farm full time. Cash still lived here at the time and helped out with farm-work when he felt like it but mostly he just lounged around and partied like a typical 20-year-old. But I didn’t get to party. I had to work. Someone had to take care of the animals and the crops,” he looked at her waiting for some kind of response.
“Of course,” she said not really sure what to say.
“That summer after I graduated, I went to ask Cash to help me with something, and for the life of me I can’t even remember what I needed help with. When I walked into his room and saw him with… her, I almost couldn’t control myself. I wanted to hurt him so he could feel the pain I was feeling. He had her bent over his desk, they were both naked and well I suppose you can probably imagine what I saw,” he said with more sadness in his voice than anything else.
She felt even worse knowing that history had practically repeated itself. It had happened to him again. Thankfully he hadn’t walked in on her and Cash fucking, but it was bad enough considering. And they still had fucked even if he hadn’t seen it.
“I’d found out later they’d been screwing behind my
back for months. Cash never even apologized. Girls have been all over him since we were kids. He was always the handsome one, girls would ask me to introduce them. Cash has always had things so easy. Any girl he wanted… the football star… teachers took it easy on him in school. Even my dad rarely made him do chores.
“Anyway seeing you with him set off all those feelings again. I thought we had something. I really, really liked you Traci, and stupid sonsabitch I am, I still do.”
“I like you too Sawyer I really do. It was a mistake. If I’d have known any of this…,” she said even though she knew he wouldn’t have ever talked about any of this so early in their relationship. Still, she had royally screwed up, and it wasn’t because she hadn’t known from the start that they were brothers, or because she hadn’t known what had happened in their past. It was because she couldn’t make up her mind. “It was wrong of me to try to figure things out while seeing both of you, it all happened so fast. I was confused and—”
“—I wish I would have told you right away. I should have been up front about it,” Sawyer said and it made her think about the lies she had told him when they had first met. The big lie about her name being the main one.
“Sawyer I’m so sorry I did this to you. It’s over with Cash. I hope it doesn’t have to be over with you too, but I’ll understand if it is.”
“I… I’m hurting, Traci,” he said looking at her, his eyes wide and red the pain and sadness evident. She put her arm around his waist and this time he didn’t pull away.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
It hit her like a lightning bolt. Maybe because of the physical contact, or maybe it was something else. She realized how much she really cared for Sawyer. She knew before she liked him, but this feeling was different. The thought of truly losing him rushed over her. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to breathe if she lost him. She started to cry again, feeling defeated and pissed off at herself for having screwed things up.
The Choice - A Small Town Love Triangle Page 8