I stared at my stomach in the mirror, scared to look straight at it. At that moment, a rush of emotions came over me, and tears slowly welled up in my eyes. I blinked, sending a soft wave of tears flushing down my cheeks and slowly cried to myself so nobody could hear me.
After that I became totally interested and consumed with this baby, this life inside my stomach. Suddenly I was eager to know what the sex of my baby was going to be. My emotional state kept growing stronger, as I stood in the bathroom, staring in the mirror amazed, slowly and tenderly, rubbing my stomach.
“Hey…” I said to my stomach, as I rubbed it with tears still in my face.
“You ok?” I kept talking, hoping my baby could somehow hear me.
“Are you ok?” said Kira, standing by the door with a weird look on her face.
I know she must be thinking I have lost my mind.
I jumped, “Oooo, you scared me.”
“No you scared me, I thought you were crazy for a minute,” she laughed.
“Yeah, I think I’m crazy too,” I said laughing it off while wiping the tears from my suddenly puffy face.
“Awww, why are you crying?” she said as she got closer to me and put her arms around me.
“I don’t even know,” I lied knowing she might not accept the decision I know I’m about to make.
“It’s the baby huh? Don’t worry; it will all be over soon after your appointment next week Wednesday, at 10:00.”
I simply said, “Oh,” knowing I wasn’t going to make that appointment. Thinking of how to find a way out of it, I said, “Wait, don’t you have class that day?”
“Yup, but this is more important.”
“Oh thank you.”
I wasn’t thankful anymore for her helping me try to kill my baby, but I did feel guilty, knowing she is doing everything she can to help me get my life back to normal, without knowing I have changed my mind. I didn’t know how to tell her the truth, and I didn’t want to disappoint her after all she has done for me.
“You’re welcome. But we got to leave in 20 minutes.”
“Ok.”
I finally managed to pull myself away from the mirror knowing I had to be at work. I was this close to calling out, but I needed money for this new baby growing inside of me and an apartment. So, I got dressed and went to work with the thought of how to tell Kira I wasn’t killing my helpless baby anymore, especially after it told me, in no uncertain terms, that it wanted to live. But on the other hand, how could I disappoint my best friend, who had been there for me from the start? Thinking about this took my mind far away, as I constantly rubbed my stomach, which seems to suddenly be growing out of control.
“Rachael?” One of my coworkers called out.
“Huh?” I snapped back to reality.
“You ok?”
“Umm yeah… I’m sorry.”
“Then why do you keep rubbing your stomach with a smile on your face? Did you have an amazing breakfast, or are you pregnant?”
Her guess scared me off my feet, “Umm” I paused. I didn’t want to tell her the truth and I didn’t want to lie either. “I’m ok,” I said, not knowing what else to say that wasn’t a lie or the truth.
“You pregnant aren’t you?”
“Umm,” I said speechless.
“Girl you can’t fool a mother, I was acting just like that when I first got pregnant.”
“How was it having the baby?” I asked curiously.
“It was something I wouldn’t trade for nothing.”
“Wow.”
I really wanted to talk to her now, since she has lived what I’m about to go through. “Can I talk to you in private please?” I said.
“Sure. Hey Rosie, we will be right back.”
“Ok,” said Rosie as we made our way to the back of the building.
“I hope they not mad at us for leaving.”
“Girl they will be fine, trust me.”
“Ok, you’re right about me being pregnant.”
“I knew it, congrats girl!” she said with a smile.
“Thank you. But at first, I wasn’t planning to keep the baby. I’m supposed to be getting rid of it next week.”
“You and the baby daddy?” she said curiously.
“He doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. I was supposed to be going with my best friend. But I don’t want to go through with it. And I don’t know how to tell her, since she has been there for me from the beginning.”
“Ok, here is a question for you?” she said.
“What is it?”
“What do YOU really want?” she asked.
“I...I want to keep it,” I said, still a little unsure of my own decision.
“Then that’s all that matters. Keep your baby because YOU want to. Don’t make your decision based on what somebody else thinks you should do.”
Her question and comment opened my eyes. Her question made me think about myself, about what I want, not about anybody else.
“You’re right. I’m just going to have to find a way to tell her I’m keeping the baby.”
“There is no other way around it, just tell her. If she is your friend she will support your decision.”
“Ok, thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Now I feel a lot better about my decision.”
“You should. And remember, babies are gifts from God. He wouldn’t bless you with a child if he didn’t know you were ready.”
“You’re right and thank you,” I said as I hugged her with a little relief, knowing I still have to face Kira and tell her my decision, hoping she will embrace it.
I went back to her place that night feeling like it wasn’t the right time to tell her. The days went by quickly as I fought back the guilt regarding my decision and the right time to tell her didn’t come for me until we were half way to the clinic.
“I’m not going through with the abortion,” I said nervously, like I was doing something wrong.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to have an abortion,” I said.
Kira hits the brakes in the middle of the road so hard that I hit my head on the glass. My first instinct was to hold my stomach for my baby’s protection.
“Oh my God Kira,” I said as I adjusted back in my seat. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, but I’m kind of attached now,” I said as I looked into her face, which was now completely different.
She did not look like the sweet, warm hearted Kira I knew. She became somebody who I was now afraid of at that moment.
“So you telling me you keeping it?” she said, while we were still in the middle of the road.
“Can you please move out of the road first, please,” I said calmly.
She moved to the side of the road and continued, with no emotion in her tone; “So now what are you saying?”
“I don’t want to kill my baby.”
“Girl are you fucking crazy?” she said with anger, “Do you know what will happen if you keep this baby? I mean what the fuck?”
I was too afraid at this point to get my point across to her as to why I wanted to keep my baby. I was now feeling guilty based on her reaction.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, beginning to tear up.
“Sorry don’t help this situation right now!”
I sat silent feeling very uncomfortable, not knowing what I was supposed to say to make her accept the decision I had made for myself.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I still want to keep it,” I said hoping she decided to accept my decision.
“Good for you, but that is not what I meant. What are you going to do about staying now? I mean I can’t help you anymore if you trying to keep this baby, knowing that we both made a plan to get rid of it so you could have your life back. And I cannot be sneaking you back and forth to my room knowing you’re still pregnant. It just wouldn’t work.”
I inhaled and exhaled as my heart ached.
“I understand and I know you have my best interes
t at heart. I thank you for letting me stay at your house, knowing it wasn’t easy sneaking me back and forth. But I really wish you would rejoice with me for this decision I’ve made for myself and let me stay with you for a few weeks, at least to get more money for my apartment, please,” I pleaded, with the hope that my little speech had somehow convinced her.
“Sorry I can’t,” she said as I slowly took a gaze at her not knowing what else to say.
She looked hurt. I was unsure if her pain was caused from my betrayal or because she was making a decision to kick me out. I accepted her decision not wanting to make it more painful than it already was.
“Thank you,” I said as I slowly got out of the car and watched my best friend zoom past me without looking back as I stood at that location for over an hour hoping she would come back. She never returned so a motel was my next option which didn’t go as bad as I thought. I felt a little free living on my own without having to hide when I hear a voice that wasn’t from Kira. I became a workaholic coming in and out from my motel room without having to watch my back. I knew I needed a stable place before I gave birth, but working so much did not allow me to focus on getting a place. All I could focus on was buying baby clothes when I found out I was having a baby girl and thought about naming her after my late grandmother Ella.
I worked nine months thinking she was not coming any time soon until my water broke at work. I thought I peed on myself until it hit me out of nowhere as the sharp pain brought me down to my knees.
“Oh my God, her water just broke,” a customer said as all the employees and managers rushed to me at once.
“Call the ambulance,” my manager said as one of the employees ran to the phone and immediately dialed 911.
I stayed down with my hands on my stomach screaming as the pain spread throughout my body. I thought my baby and I was going to die because I had no idea how labor felt. My mother told me nothing; instead she would drink her life away and expect me to know it all. I didn’t expect that having a baby would feel this bad, hell I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel, because I was told by no one. All I heard was giving birth was a beautiful feeling. But there was nothing beautiful with the pain that constantly paralyzed my body. I was surrounded by my customers, employees and managers who did nothing but say, “Hang in there, the ambulance is almost here.”
My mouth was full without words; but pain as I shrieked and screamed but the pain didn’t decrease. Once the ambulance came, they rushed me to the hospital as they got me ready for labor. My life flashed before my eyes when I started to push. I tried pushing slowly so my baby wouldn’t be harmed and yet I was in great pain that no words could describe.
“Ma’am you have to push as hard as you can please.”
“I can’t…” I screamed feeling the pain all over me thinking this is the end of me.
“You have to for the sake of your child.”
Hearing that helped convince me to keep pushing and ignore the pain I was feeling. I kept pushing as hard as I could, the pain was unbearable, the tension in the room was too much to handle but I kept going for my child. My eyes opened wide as I froze feeling something forcing its way out of my vagina.
“What’s going on?” I screamed with pain, “Is my baby ok?”
“Relax ma’am, your baby is almost here, take a deep breath and push.”
I did as the doctor ordered and kept pushing until she came completely out. The sound of her voice soothed my heart as I passed out without getting the chance to see and hold my child I just gave birth to. I woke up feeling drowsy, then fell back to sleep and had a nightmare that somebody stole my child while I was sleeping. I forced my eyes open and my child wasn’t around. I jumped out of the bed and the needle from the IV pulled its way out of me and I looked around with panic saying, “Where is my child?” to a nurse sitting behind the large desk.
“Excuse me?” the nurse said with confusion on her face, which made me panic even more. I turned around ready to look for my child as another nurse behind me took a grip of my hand, “Calm down ma’am, you ok?”
“Where is my baby?” I screamed, “Where?”
“Ma’am if you calm down, we can gladly show you where your child is.”
“Ok,” I couldn’t really calm down because I still hadn’t seen my child yet. I accompanied the nurses around the hospital praying my child was somewhere inside the hospital. We got to the nursery room as the nurse pointed out my child who was sleeping so peacefully which put my heart at ease. The nurse saw the peace in my eyes and asked, “What’s her name?”
“I’m thinking about naming her after my grandmother; Ella Reed.” My face lit up as that name soaked in me, “Ella.” I repeated it feeling good about naming her after my late grandmother.
“That is such a pretty name.”
“Thank you. Umm, can I hold her?” I asked.
“Sure, you just have to wash your hands before you can hold her.”
“Ok,” I said happily as I washed my hands to hold my baby for the first time. I then saw what people were saying about babies being God’s gifts. I thought to myself in agreement, and all the pain from labor were well worth it. I fell completely in love, I cried as the tears hit my daughters face. I never felt this way before. This was an irreplaceable feeling. I looked at her as she slept in my arms, and finally felt like I was worthy of something good.
“Hey,” I said as she placed her little fingers in one of my hands. I almost melted, I cried some more as the nurses watched me from the outside and smiled.
“You are so beautiful,” I said as she held on to my finger. I never wanted her to let go. I stood there and held her for quite some time before I laid her down and went back to my room with joy. All of a sudden, it hit me that I was still staying in a motel room. “How can I bring a new born to a motel room?” I wanted to bring my child to a place I can call home. Thinking of a stable home put my mind into deeper thoughts regarding a babysitter while working. I couldn’t stay in the motel room and watch her all day if I have to go out and work to provide for her. These insecurities scared me, I thought I wasn’t ready, but having such faith in God helped me believe that everything was going to be ok. Sitting in the hospital bed thinking of my first move made me realize I had nobody. Nobody came to visit me or my child. Though I didn’t expect my mother to be here because she had no idea I was pregnant, deep down I wished for her presence. I wished she could’ve been there to hold my hands and tell me everything was going to be ok. My head began to hurt thinking of it, as I held my head together with both my hands pressing it together like my head was about to explode a nurse walking by said, “You ok?”
“Yeah…yeah I’m fine thank you,” I stuttered.
“Ok.”
“Hey nurse, when can we go home?”
“I am not sure but I will talk to the doctor to see when you can. You should be able to soon, because your baby is doing really good.
“Ok, thank you,” I said.
I got up and went to the nursery and stared at my child through the glass window hoping that I could give her the best. I then walked back to my room to relax.
“Hello?” a voice said behind me as I was turning around.
“Hey Mr. Wayne,” a grin overcame my face, thankful that somebody came to see me, which happened to be my manager.
“Hey angel, congrats,” he said as we hugged each other.
“Thank you!”
“So how is the baby?”
“She is fine.”
“That’s good. So what about you, you ok?”
“I am fine also, thank you for asking and thank you for coming to see us.”
“Oh, it’s no problem.”
“Do you want to see her?” I asked with pride.
“Of course I do!”
We both walked toward the nursery room and stared at her through the glass.
“She looks just like you, so beautiful.”
“Awww thank you.”
“What is her name?”
“Ella,” I said proudly.
“That is a beautiful name,” he looked at me then said, “Look we need to talk.”
“What is it?”
“I hope you don’t get mad at me, I am just keeping your best interest at heart.”
“Oh no please don’t fire me, I can still work right when I get discharged.”
“Oh no sugar, you still have your job.”
I was so relieved to hear that.
“It’s about your baby,” he said walking away.
I followed him and asked, “What about my baby?” I said with panic in my tone.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” he said as he turned around to face me, “Just know everything will be ok and you will thank me later for this.”
“Thank you later? What will I be thanking you for other than you letting me keep my job and coming to see us?”
“I got to go darling but I did it for your own benefit,” he said, “Here this is for Ella,” he reached out and handed me a gift for Ella then walked away.
But this time, he was disappearing from my sight as I stared at him confused. I immediately ran to check on my baby to make sure she was still there. ‘What was he talking about?’ I said when I saw that Ella was still there. But for some reason, my mind captured what he had said while I kept checking to make sure she was still there. I stayed up through the night constantly looking in on her, making sure she was still in her bed sleep. The next day came as slowly as it could when the doctor walked in my room, “Miss Reed?”
“Hi doctor,” I said waiting for him to tell me that we were free to go.
“Hello, how are you feeling today?”
“Good, just can’t wait to take my baby home. Well to the motel,” I laughed, “Which is home for me for right now.”
“Yeah that’s why I’m here.”
Sacrifice Page 4