“Oh,” I said as I stood still for his hug.
He felt warm as he hugged me, but I was afraid to take it all in. I walked him outside and he got in his car and drove off. I quickly got in the shower trying not to think about everything that I found attractive about him. Despite my attraction, I felt like there was something about him that he hadn’t told me about himself, it just felt too good to be true. He came back as promised and took me to work, he then picked me up afterwards and took me home to get dressed as he waited to take me to go see my daughter and waited outside while I was visiting her then offered to take me to dinner which I couldn’t turn down after everything he had done for me in this short amount of time. I was extremely exhausted, but I went to show how grateful I was to him.
He took me out to eat and showed me the time of my life, unlike anything I’ve ever had. He sold me with his kindness as I spent more and more time with him. He gravitated towards my desire to be financially stable in order to get Ella back, so he rented me a two bedroom apartment with the master bedroom fully furnished obviously for me. What really blew me away was the fact that the other room was decorated just for my daughter. Everything was pink and was made for a little girl. I fell in love with this person who was going out of his way to be a good deed to me and my daughter when he barely even knew me. He showed me that he didn’t only care about my wellbeing, but my daughter’s as well, whom he had never met.
After that day, I started to see him differently and started falling head over heels for this particular man who had showed me he cared. At that point, I didn’t think twice when he made a sexual advance. I let him take control of me as he made love to me as gentle as he could. It felt good to finally have sex that I could enjoy from start to finish.
I couldn’t see anything but him. He even taught me how to drive a car, helped me get my license, and then went as far as buying me a car of my own. He begged me to quit my job, I refused but at the same time, I let him know that I would do anything for him. Yes, I found myself in love with him, well, maybe it was lust. But I couldn’t tell the difference because I had been blinded by the many stresses of my life. But, there was something that kept me doubting him. How does a man with no job from what I have experienced have tons of money, with a lot of time to spare? As for the answer, I couldn’t unfold until one day he finally let me into his full circle of life. My guess from him keeping me in the dark was to be sure that I truly loved him. Then he struck with his life’s desire, “I’m a pimp,” he said as it took me by surprise.
“What?” I responded while struck with shock.
“I am a pimp.”
“Wow, are you serious?” I asked still in shock but at the same time hoping this was all a stupid joke.
“Yes. I have females who sell their bodies, but listen how much do you love me?” he said as he stood me up from my seat standing face to face, looking in the eyes of an obviously shook woman.
“I love you,” I said staring in his brown eyes, waiting on the moment he would end this dramatic joke.
“Do you love me enough to do whatever for me?”
“Yes except for selling my body for money,” I made it clear just in case, or somehow he wasn’t joking.
“Then you don’t love me,” he said as he walked away from me.
“Yes I do, you can’t tell me how I feel!” I said as I followed him.
“If you love me you would want to do anything for me. Business is really bad right now and you are beautiful so I know with you, we will make a lot of money so that way you wouldn’t have to work a lot. Plus you would still have a lot of money to buy a house if you wanted to instead of raising your daughter in an apartment.”
“But I like this apartment,” I said looking around the beautiful well furnished apartment.
“Yeah the one that I got for you along with the car outside, but yet I never asked you for nothing but now I’m in need of your help and you’re saying no?”
I was afraid of the pressure I was in. I should have known I was going to have to pay everything back somehow.
“You… you…you can have it back,” I stuttered.
“I don’t want it back, I did it for the love I have for you and you can’t even do the same for me?”
“Sorry, I can’t do this Latif. I don’t want to share my body with anyone but you.”
“It’s ok, I wouldn’t mind,” he said.
I put my head down questioning if he really loved me. If he loved me, he would have a problem with another man going inside of me.
“Listen,” he said as he held on to my face to look him dead in his eyes, “Picture me inside of you, making love to you while they inside of you. I promise it won’t be long.”
“Latif, please I can’t,” he let go of my face.
“Forget it, you don’t love me,” he said as he walked out of the house slamming the door behind him.
I went back to the couch not knowing what to do. Yes I would do anything for him, except for sharing my body with anyone else. I didn’t know what to do. I had no friends or my mother to lean on for advice or support. So I sat and thought real hard and I came to the realization that I had no choice but to do this for him, he had been there for me.
“How could he use the love I have for him against me?”
Tears dripped out of my eyes pondering the things he said earlier, “I hope he is happy.”
I went to work that day feeling highly disturbed, but secured knowing I wanted to do whatever I could to make him happy. So from that day forward I started giving myself to men to please the man I loved. I started drifting away from getting myself together to get Ella back, my lifestyle started to show. Still, I surely visited Ella every now and then. When Ella’s foster parents saw me, they complained about my lifestyle.
“You can’t be seeing your child like this.”
“Like what?” I said.
“Everybody knows what you do and I thought the reason we took her from you was for you to get your life together.”
“Oh, all of a sudden people know me? Now that I’m doing bad; well for your information, I am getting myself together and getting my child soon, it’s passed nine months already.”
“I know because she will be one next week.”
“I…I know that,” I said stuttering because I had forgotten Ella’s birthday. “And I will be here on her birthday.”
“I don’t think you should, I think you should focus on getting yourself together.”
“Don’t tell me what I should do when it comes to my child, I will be here for her birthday.”
“If you say so.”
“What day?”
“Saturday, at noon.”
“Ok, I will be here earlier to help set up.”
“We already have that covered.”
“Ok so what do you need from me for her birthday?”
“Nothing.”
“You don’t need any extra money?”
“Trust me we don’t need your dirty money.”
“Don’t judge me because you don’t know me,” I said going back in my defense mode.
“I would love to keep it that way and if I could have my way, you would never set foot in my house.”
“Mmm, wow I will make that happen for you soon I promise.”
“Let’s see how that will work out.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Just be here if you can, if not she will understand I’m sure,” she slammed the door in my face.
“Ok,” I said knowing that she didn’t want me there. But this was my child and my goal was not to miss her first birthday.
I went to see her on her birthday and Ella treated me like I wasn’t her mother. She cried for her temporary mother to rescue her from me. It pained my heart every time she rejected me. I couldn’t hold my focus on the streets constantly thinking about Ella rejecting me. Latif started to provide drugs for me to help ease the pain of Ella’s resentment, so he proclaimed. The drugs consumed my body and soul
as it relieved my pain from the rejection of my daughter. I became a drug addict; my world was all about Latif and drugs. My work ethic sky rocketed then Latif handed me a key to a two bedroom house. He constantly provided for me when I did well. It stopped bothering me for a while that I was losing my child. I had become addicted to the fast lifestyle. The money, my man’s love and affection, were all emotional highs for me, until it all fell apart.
One afternoon, one of Latif’s clients canceled, so I decided to go home and surprise him. I walked into the house and I heard some light mumbling. As I drew closer and closer to the mumbling, the words became clear. I heard him tell another woman everything he used to tell me. “I love you baby, you’re my everything.” but when he said, “I never will regret the day I made you my wife,” I reacted in a way that words couldn’t describe. That also was the first day he put his hands on me as the other woman watched and walked out with him when he was done. I felt ashamed, used and betrayed as I cried with misery. I couldn’t sleep, eat or leave the house. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, hoping that it was all a nightmare. I was miserable, reflecting on how my life slowly fell apart. I felt so incomplete because I knew how much I still loved him regardless of the circumstances. I called him to try to work things out and I got sent to a voicemail.
“Did he just ignore my call?” I panicked, thinking that I was about to lose him for good. I called him over and over again hoping he would pick up.
“What’s up?” after so many calls. I was shocked that he answered the way he did. “What’s up?” he repeated.
“So that’s it? You’re done with me now?” I said as tears dripped down my eyes, waiting on his response.
“I mean it’s not like that Shorty, I like you and all and you good at what you do to keep us satisfied, but she is my wife and also the mother of my two kids, so you know I can never fallout from her.”
“Your wife and kids?” I asked as my heart beat out of control knowing I had been living a lie with him.
“I am sorry.”
“Oh you’re sorry?”
“I am.”
“So what about me? What about how I feel? Do you even care?”
“I mean of course I do. We can still work together and be friends.”
“Friends huh?”
“It’s not like that shorty, I mean I am sorry for not letting you know about her, but it was for the best.”
“For who?”
“For you”
“How was it the best for me?”
“Cause I know how you feel about me and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Too late.”
“Yeah I know, I am sorry for that and I am also sorry for putting my hands on you, I was angry for getting so caught up.”
“Yeah whatever.”
“I’m serious, I mean I do care for you and all but I just can’t leave my wife for nobody.”
“So do you love her?”
“What?”
“Do you love her?”
“Yo, what kind of question is that?”
“Just answer the damn question because I’m sick of you lying about everything.”
“Hell I don’t know, I guess.”
“You guess? So you don’t know if you love her?”
“Man come on, I don’t feel like talking about that right now.”
“You know what? I am pleased with your answer because you made me realize that you can never love anybody but yourself.”
“You don’t know anything, you just talking,” he said exposing that I was getting on his nerves already.
I kept pushing and wanted to know how he really felt about his so called wife. Deep down, I knew he had no spot for me in his heart.
“So you mean to tell me you don’t love her?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then tell me.”
“So, you’re FBI now?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Well for your information, the person that got my heart ain’t you so leave it alone Rachael,” his words were harsh as I fought back the tears that almost fell.
“Fuck you Latif!”
“I bet you do,” he said laughing.
“You know what I don’t even think you were born with a heart. That explains why you don’t love anyone.”
“I do have a heart and I love my kids.”
“Of course you do, you made them.”
“And I also made you,” he said still taking me as a joke.
“No, you made a hoe!”
“Well if that’s what you call yourself.”
“I have never hated anybody the way I hate you right now,” I said with anger.
“Ooh very harsh, don’t be mad that it isn’t you that has my heart.”
“I’m not mad anymore thanks to you. But I do think the reason you are with her is because that is the only way you will see your kids, whom you love.”
“You don’t know what the fuck you talking about Rachael.”
“Oh I don’t, really? So here’s a question for you. Did she trap you?”
“I don’t have to listen to your nonsense, I am out,” he said as he hung up the phone in my face.
I could tell I struck a nerve because he texted me, “Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”
“With pleasure,” I said with pride, but not knowing where to go once I left. I packed my bags anyway and threw them in the car with the money I saved. I had nobody to turn to so I sat in the car and plotted my next move. A motel room was an option, but my money would only last for so long. I also had to account for gas to get around and find a new job, because I was afraid to go back to my old job knowing they would be disappointed with the decision I had made for myself. I drove to see my daughter knowing it would make me feel better and sure enough, the foster mom wouldn’t let me see her.
“You lost her when you decided to start selling your body,” she said with disgust.
“Please, I don’t have time for this, just let me see my daughter,” I was fighting back my tears all in reflection of the past seven or eight months in hopes to see my daughter.
“Over my dead body and she is not your child anymore.”
“That was not the deal we made when I gave my child to you!” I said as tears finally fell.
“Well you broke the rule and abandon her when you started doing that nonsense.”
“Look here lady, this is my fucking child and you cannot tell me when to see her or not.”
“Yes I can, and by the way, you’re too close right now because I have a restraining order on you.”
“Are kidding me right now?”
“Absolutely not, see you in court knowing you will lose anyway because you are unfit mother.”
She slammed the door in my face and gave me confirmation that everything was falling apart on this beautiful sunny Wednesday. I walked away with tears knowing I wouldn’t be seeing my child today as I went back to where I started; the motel. I stayed there without coming out for a long time. I slowly but surely started to come back to my senses. I stopped using drugs because Latif wasn’t there to provide them. Going through withdrawals felt worse than being on drugs in the first place. I thought I was going to die as my body ached like a Hebrew slave with sweat falling through my body like I was taking a hot shower.
Chapter 5
Ella became the reason I didn’t give up on myself. I became dead to the world but alive for my child. Hiding underneath my skin, ashamed of what I had become didn’t help me get through things.
I had nobody to turn to. This was the time I needed my mother the most. I had nowhere else to turn, so I swallowed my pride aside and drove to her house. She gasped with surprise to see me standing there on her front porch crying, as she let me in with her nose up high to the sky.
“Mama please help me,” I got on my knees as if I were begging for her mercy as she looked at me like I was someone else’s child. “I’m lost Mama; I don’t know what to do or how to get my child
back,” I cried in hopes that she would take me back knowing I had a child. I took a good look at her while crying, waiting for her response and I noticed she looked different. She was skinner than when I last saw her. Under her eyes were even darker and it looked like her hair was falling out compared to when I last saw her. She looked so miserable that I felt sorry for her and snapped out of my emotions knowing I wasn’t the only one that needed help here. I knew we could help each other if she was willing to take me back in.
“What do you want from me?” she said scrunching her nose at me, due to my putrid smell for refusing to take a shower out of stress and the act of feeling useless.
“Mama I am homeless and I can’t get your granddaughter Ella back, I have nobody else to turn to, please help me.” I held on to her legs begging for mercy as tears ran down my face. She moved her feet from my hands as I got closer not giving up, “Mama please!”
“Why am I just now hearing that you have a child, better yet that you were pregnant? Hmmm, I didn’t even know you were having sex.”
I stood quiet not knowing what to say.
“Is that why you ran away? Is that why you left me here to suffer, feeling like I have lost my only child, huh? ANSWER ME!” she screamed as I jumped back.
“No, no!” I said crying.
“Then why?” I said nothing, “Well I don’t know what you want from me now after all you have put me through.”
“Like what Mama?” I said standing up to her, “You probably barely noticed I was gone, you didn’t care when I was here so why would you have cared when I finally left to give you the freedom you wanted from me?”
“The time I needed freedom from you was when you were born, I couldn’t get that then so what makes you think I cared about freedom now?”
“Why didn’t you just give me away to save yourself the trouble?”
“Oh like you did?”
I wanted to rip her apart with the anger that brewed in me when she spoke those words. But instead, I cried with anger as I thought of how she could’ve known that I gave my child away.
“Well believe me; I would have if I had the choice too. Now leave, I can’t help you.”
My heart collapsed hearing my mother talk to me like that.
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