“You will,” he insisted. “You don’t have to admit it, but you know it’s good for you. I’m going to force you to be young if it kills you.”
“Well that makes a lot of sense.” I broke off the last piece of banana for Harper and tossed the peel at Declan. He caught it midair and threw it onto the ground near the stairs. “What did you do that for?” I asked.
“I want to see if people really slip on banana peels,” he explained. “Like in cartoons?”
“Well then prepare to be here a while. Hannah doesn’t get up until noon unless she has to.”
“Alright,” he said, standing up. “Got stuff for breakfast?”
“Yeah, but –”
“I’m a good cook,” he informed me. He opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a carton of eggs, milk and cheese, as well as a pack of bacon. I watched with interest as he got to work in the kitchen, grudgingly admitting to myself that I didn’t really mind.
Within minutes the bacon was sizzling in a pan and Declan looked in his element, cracking eggs and whisking them in a bowl with milk and cheese. Even Harper was interested, squirming in my lap until I released her and let her walk over to Declan. She wrapped one arm around his leg and peered up at him from underneath her bangs. He looked down at her and grinned.
“Want to help?” He asked. She nodded shyly and let him lift her onto the counter, seating her next to the stove. He handed her the packet of shredded cheese and instructed her to add more to the egg mixture.
“These are going to be the best eggs ever,” he predicted, turning to offer me a smile. I returned it, feeling a new sense of happiness forming in my chest.
I heard footsteps and turned to see Hannah running down the stairs, jumping off the last step at the last minute, staring at the ground. “Do I smell bacon?” She demanded.
“You do,” I confirmed.
“Good morning,” Declan added.
“Hey Dec, Lainey, Harper. Does anyone want to tell me why the hell there’s a banana peel on the floor?”
Declan and I exchanged glances and burst into laughter, Harper joining in soon after. Hannah stood where she was, looking at us like we were crazy.
Chapter 20
“Dec?” I called into the house. I’d spent the last five minutes knocking on the door to no avail. His car was in the driveway and there was nowhere within walking distance he could have gone.
I touched the doorknob and found it unlocked, so I stepped into the house and surveyed my surroundings. It was messy, at best. A pizza box on the coffee table, a few empty two liters on the floor. “Declan?” I called again.
“Up here!” He called back, his voice coming from upstairs. I hesitated before stepping over a bottle and heading up the steps. I felt a little relieved, glad I wasn’t about to put my few investigative skills to use and find him dead.
It was Friday and I’d gotten a new assignment, one I was pretty sure I wouldn’t accomplish on my own. I had to find my own news story to report on, citing various sources. It wasn’t necessarily difficult, but I had no idea where to begin. Having a mystery writer as a neighbor could come in handy.
I found him in the room at the end of the upstairs hallway. The layout was very similar to ours, except he had three bedrooms instead of four. I knocked on the open door and waited until he waved me in.
“What’s up?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the screen. A quick glance showed me a blank page. Maybe Declan wasn’t going to be able to offer much help, after all.
“I was going to ask you to help me with this paper I’ve been assigned, but I can see you’re busy.”
He clicked out of the blank document and spun around, smiling tiredly. The dark circles under his eyes were more evident than before and by the way his hair looked I wasn’t confident he’d used a brush in the past two days. I hadn’t seen him since after he cooked us breakfast Wednesday morning.
“I can help,” he said. “I can’t write to save my life, but I can help.”
“It will come,” I assured him, though I knew next to nothing about the writing process. “I need to find a case that isn’t too prevalent in the news media and report on it, cite sources and all that fun stuff.”
“Pull up a chair,” he said, motioning to the corner of the room where a chair almost identical to the one in our bedroom sat. I pulled it over and sat down just as he was pulling up an internet search.
“What kind of crime do you want?” He asked.
“Um, I don’t know.”
“Murder?”
“Sounds creepy.”
“Nah.” He typed something into the search, examined the screen for a few minutes and pulled up an article. “Check this one out. A wife kills her husband after finding out he was having an affair. Classic stuff.”
I glared at the screen. Declan caught me and raised an eyebrow. “You look offended.”
“I’m not.”
“Could have fooled me. Another one?”
I sighed. “No, this one will work. Can you print it?”
“I can.” He hit print and within seconds I was holding the article in my hands. “Just look over that, look up the case and if you need more help, you know where to find me. Got time for a truth or dare session? I need the distraction.”
“Whose turn is it?”
“Mine. Truth.”
“When was the last time you cleaned or got a shower?”
He made a face but his eyes sparkled with amusement. “Cleaned? At least a week. Showered? Yesterday.”
“Change that,” I said, putting the paper down on the desk and leaning back in my chair. “You can’t expect to get anything done when both you and your house are a mess.”
“Good point.” He lifted himself off the chair and stretched, his shirt lifting just a bit over his stomach and revealing smooth, fair skin. I quickly looked away, feeling my cheeks redden.
“Give me five minutes? You’re not getting out of your turn that easily.”
“I’ll stay,” I promised and watched as he disappeared down the hallway and into the room I assumed was his. I jumped out of the chair and hurried down the stairs, finding a trash bag in his kitchen and beginning to clean the living room. Déjà vu hit me hard, nearly knocking me off my feet.
Just like that, I was back nearly two years earlier, cleaning Nolan’s apartment. I was angry at him for the confusion I was feeling, realizing maybe my feelings for him went a little beyond friendship. I’d just put the last two liter into the trash can when Declan appeared at the foot of the steps. I dropped the bag.
“Are you cleaning up or making a bigger mess?” He asked, laughing. His hair was wet and there were drops of water falling onto his face. He smoothed it back and approached me. I instinctively stepped backwards, hitting the breakfast bar. We didn’t have a breakfast bar. My mind became a jumbled mess of thoughts.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I think I need to go.”
“What’s wrong?” His face turned serious and there was genuine concern in his eyes. I forced myself to breathe. He wasn’t Nolan and just because I felt a need to clean up after him didn’t mean he was going to become Nolan’s replacement or that this was going to end the same way. I closed my eyes and willed my mind to calm down, to stop jumping to the most ridiculous conclusions. I was a mom. Cleaning up after people was an instinct.
“Nothing,” I said, opening my eyes and retrieving the trash bag, throwing some things that had fallen out back in. “I just thought I’d help.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the bag from me and carrying it into the kitchen, where he closed it and put it next to the can. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Maybe I did. “Nope, I’m just a little crazy. So whose turn is it now?”
“Yours?”
“Truth.” Dumb choice, but I wasn’t ready for the dare Declan claimed he already had planned for me. He grinned, pleased.
“Why did you look at me like I was the living dead?”
“You reminded me of s
omeone,” I replied, surprised by how easily the answer rolled off my tongue. “This situation reminded me of someone, anyway.”
“Who?”
“I thought truth was only one question.”
“I let you get away with asking more than one plenty of times. Who did I remind you of?”
“A friend. His name was Nolan.”
“It’s not anymore?” He leaned against the breakfast bar and I tried to force myself to breathe again. They didn’t look alike. Close to the same height, but Declan was maybe an inch taller. And Nolan had been lean but muscular; Declan was mostly just lean. Nolan’s hair had been blonde, lighter in the summer than in the winter. Declan’s was light brown and not very golden. They both had blue eyes, but Declan’s were a rare shade of blue, one I’d never seen on anyone else and more expressive than any eyes I’d ever known. It was his smile, I realized. It was the closest to Nolan’s smile I’d seen in a long time.
“He died,” I whispered. “The day after Christmas. It will be two years.”
Declan’s face fell and he moved towards me. I backed away by instinct and then stopped myself. He wasn’t Nolan and this wasn’t going to end the same way. I let him wrap his arms around me and pull me into an awkward hug, my cheek pressed against his chest. He smelled like soap and a little bit of nicotine.
“It was a car accident,” I continued. “Adam was with him. I could have lost both of them.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated and that was all he needed to say. He gave me one last squeeze and pulled away, breaking off all physical contact. “I’m sorry I reminded you of him.”
I smiled sadly. “I’m not.”
“Truth,” he said, as if he sensed I needed a subject change.
“Who do you miss the most?”
“My mom,” he replied.
“I’m sorry.”
He smiled and shook his head. “Don’t be. That’s the obvious answer anyway, you know?”
“I don’t let myself miss my mom.”
“Maybe you should.”
His response jarred me and I had nothing to say back. The idea of missing Lila was crazy, considering everyone else I had to miss. Nolan died, just as Declan’s mom had. Lila chose to leave. Not once, but twice. I couldn’t just get over that.
“Wanna know what I think?”
“Not really,” I said. He grinned, letting me know he was going to express his thoughts regardless.
“I think you want to miss her, but you feel like you’re not allowed to.”
“You gathered all of that the two times we’ve spoken about her?” I asked doubtfully.
“I’m a writer, Lainey. Reading people quickly and as well as I can is part of the job.”
I lifted myself onto the bar stool, deciding I was going to be staying for a while. Harper was spending the day with Julia and Adam would be working until who knew when. Hannah was home, but she was taking the world’s longest bubble bath in preparation for her date with Jared.
“If I miss her, she wins,” I said. His eyebrows shot up.
“That’s what you think?”
I nodded confidently. “Yes. Because if I let myself miss her and love her, then everything she’s done to hurt me is for nothing.”
“That’s what you think? In all honesty?”
“Yes.” The way he was looking at me started to make me feel uncomfortable. It was sympathy mixed with a touch of sadness. I didn’t want anyone looking at me like that.
“You can’t punish yourself to punish other people, Lainey. I’m not saying what she did isn’t wrong, but you can’t deny that pushing her away is hurting you as much as it’s hurting her. Hate, distance, all of that hurts. Forgiveness heals.”
“You sound like one of those fake doctor’s on TV,” I complained, shifting uncomfortably on my stool.
“I won’t deny that,” he said with a chuckle. “But think about it, okay? If we’re on this earth for a reason, I think it’s safe to say we’re supposed to have relationships, form connections with people. Breaking that off because someone hurt you defeats the purpose. Trust me, I know this from experience.”
Someone flashed through my mind, someone not my mother but close enough. I felt sad, allowing myself to miss her. Everything Declan said made sense and while I wasn’t so sure I was willing to forgive Lila just yet, there was someone else that deserved an apology from me. Someone that hadn’t earned the distance I’d put between us.
“You’re smart, Declan James,” I said with a small smile. He grinned at me, his face lighting up.
“Only a little smarter than you, Lainey Winslow,” he said with a wink.
Chapter 21
Julia was surprised to see me, to say the least.
“You’re early,” she said, disappointed. Harper was on her hip, a sleepy look on her face. I smiled at her and she returned it lazily.
“I know,” I said. “I’m not coming to take her right away. I wanted to talk to you.”
Julia looked concerned and stepped away from the door, letting me in. It felt strange being inside her house. Usually when Julia wanted to spend the day with Harper, she picked her up at ours. It had been months since the last time I’d been in this foyer and living room.
“Is everything okay?” Julia asked, the concern not leaving her eyes. She set Harper down on the floor and she scurried off towards a doll house in the corner. I stared at it for a few seconds, finding it unfamiliar. Gratitude filled me. I never would have imagined that someday I’d have a daughter that would have grandparents that bought her things and cared for her the way Julia and Ned did. The saying that you always want more for your children then what you had was true and I was fortunate enough to have that.
“Tea?” Julia offered, wringing her hands nervously.
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. Can we talk?”
“Sure.” She motioned for me to sit down and I did, remembering the time nearly three years ago when I’d sat there in stunned silence after discovering my father was having an affair. I shook the memories from my mind. I rarely allowed myself to go back there.
“What’s on your mind?” She asked, sitting across from me and folding her hands in her lap. I looked at her face and felt angry at myself for not being around more, for putting this distance between us. We’d gotten so close during my pregnancy and she’d been so wonderful after Harper was born. But there was a voice in the back of my mind that insisted she was going to leave, and so I put a distance between us before she could. It was an automatic response I couldn’t seem to turn off.
“Thank you for watching her today,” I said, breaking the air of awkward silence. “I know how much she loves these days with you.”
“Not more than I love them,” Julia reassured me. “She’s really wonderful.”
“She is,” I agreed. “And she loves you a lot.”
“I know.”
I bit my lip and glanced at Harper, too busy with her dollhouse to notice anything going on between me and her grandmother. It was now or never.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not. It’s just –”
“Your mother came back and then she left you again,” Julia filled in for me. “And then Adam cheated and broke your heart. And then Nolan died. Believe me; I don’t blame you for your distance. I understand it.”
“You do?” I was surprised, but maybe I shouldn’t have been. This was how Julia was. She understood people and she accepted them as they were. She contained a kind of unconditional love that few other people were capable of.
“Of course I do,” she said, getting up and sitting next to me instead. She put her arm across my shoulders and pulled me to her. “Lainey, I can’t even imagine going through the things you’ve been through in these past few years. Even this past year, with everything calming down, you’ve had to deal with some… unusual stuff. I wasn’t going to concern you with my missing you. It didn’t seem fair.”
Tears filled
my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. “I’m so sorry, though. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. Of all the people to push away –”
“Oh honey, you haven’t pushed me anywhere,” she scoffed with a gentle laugh. “I’m right here, aren’t I? And I knew eventually you’d find your way back. I wasn’t worried.”
I bit my lip and smiled up at her through my tears. “It’s kind of pathetic that I didn’t even consider this an option, coming to you and apologizing for not being around so much, until a new friend of mine brought it up. Well, kind of.”
“A new friend?” She asked, interested.
“Yeah, our new neighbor. He told me that without filling our lives with people who mean the most, there’s little point in being here.”
“He sounds smart,” Julia smiled. “Seems like a good friend to have around.”
“I think so,” I agreed, picturing Declan’s smiling blue eyes in my mind. I felt an attachment to him, something I’d been dreading feeling again since Nolan died. But there was a calmness associated with this attachment, a comfort in knowing he wasn’t the type of person to pack up and leave either by choice or by force. Declan felt steady, solid. I didn’t have any logical reason for believing this and yet I did. Somehow that was more assuring.
“Stay for dinner,” Julia prompted. “I’ll call Adam and demand he comes home from work early, okay? Greg has been staying in the guest house these past few months so he’ll be here too. It will be like old times.”
“Only if Adam and Greg start punching each other,” I said with a laugh, wiping the last few tears from my cheeks. Julia kissed my temple and laughed with me.
“Well, hopefully it won’t be too much like old times. Say you’ll stay?”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” I replied, meaning it.
This is what family was supposed to feel like.
Chapter 22
“Truth or dare.”
It was the first thing Declan said as he strolled into my house Monday afternoon. It was the first time I’d seen him since leaving his house Friday afternoon.
“Is it even my turn?” I asked, closing the laptop and turning to face him. “And more importantly, do you not knock now?”
The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series) Page 9