“Why didn’t you take my calls?”
“Because once I’d made the call, I began to think that maybe you didn’t really want me and the baby. You had a whole new circle of friends, and when you didn’t immediately say you were coming home, I had to consider that I’d made a mistake in believing in you.”
He shook his head as if trying to clear his vision. “You didn’t make a mistake! Why didn’t you give me a second chance?”
“Because I was alone and afraid,” she said, fighting to remain calm. “I can’t believe that you’re making this out to be my fault—that somehow I did something wrong. You’re the one who abandoned our baby, not me!”
“How do you know what I would have done?” he asked quietly. Outside the enclosure a chickadee sang its cheerful song, making Sherri wish she had the emotional strength to get up and leave.
Instead she studied her hands. “Actions speak louder than words. It’s highly unlikely that you could have helped when you wouldn’t even take the time to come to see me,” she said, caught up in the need to defend herself against his suggestion that he would have acted differently if she’d given him a second chance.
Silence invaded the space with a vengeance as they both sat staring at each other. Somewhere off in the distance, a gull screamed. A squirrel rushed along the railing beside them as they sat so physically close to each other, yet emotionally so far apart.
“So you won’t concede that you could have handled it differently?” he asked.
“Handled it differently? This wasn’t a project or an exam or some random object. It was our son,” she almost yelled at him. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. “I managed the best way I knew how. If it hadn’t been for Sam showing up in my life when I needed him most, I would have been faced with raising our child on my own. That’s what I can’t forgive you for. That you claimed to love me but you wouldn’t come to Bangor and be with me.”
“Why didn’t you come to Boston and pound some sense into me? Wasn’t our child worth you taking the chance on confronting me?”
“Confronting you? Begging you to reconsider your response to my phone call? How dare you try to blame me for your behavior,” she said, her voice rising in volume again.
But she wanted to do more than shout. All the hurt and anger she’d pent up for twelve years burst forth. She stood up and glared down at him. “You chose to leave me on my own with our baby. Then when your marriage didn’t suit you, you divorced your wife. Your life has been all about making choices that suited your selfish needs and nothing more. You’re terminally spoiled, and there’s no cure for that.”
“Sherri! What do you want me to do to make up for what I’ve done?”
“Nothing! I don’t want you to do anything but stay out of my life. It’s too late for you to make amends. When I lost the baby, I had a nervous breakdown. I tried to kill myself! When Sam died, I thought my life was over. You cannot ever make up for any of that because you weren’t around when I needed you.”
Oh, God! She’d never meant to say any of those things. Now he knew her secret.
She glanced at him to see his head resting on his hands, his shoulders heaving. “Sherri, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. What a mess.”
“I was so lucky to have Sam in my life. He loved me, and he loved my son. He wanted to be a good dad. Sam stood by me through it all. You wouldn’t have been welcome. Sam despised you.”
The air stilled. Neill remained where he was, and then ever so slowly he raised his head, his eyes swimming in tears, two tracks of moisture shimmering on his cheeks. “You’re right. It’s too late for my sorrow. It’s way too late. I will not bother you again. I’ll reconsider my decision to move back here. I’ll move somewhere else. I have no right to expose you to any more hurt.”
She couldn’t look at him and know that her angry words had made him cry. He’d never cried in all the years she’d known him. Yet now, when it was all too late, he had shown her that he, too, could feel the kind of pain she’d felt.
“You don’t have to move away. You belong back here in Eden Harbor. I’m the one who doesn’t. I’ve made my plans. I’ll be out of here soon.”
Wanting to escape the whole painful mess, she headed to her car. Behind her, she heard his footfalls on the gravel. “Wait! What do you mean?” He grabbed her arm, the pressure of his fingers slowing her. “Where are you going?”
She turned and looked up into his face, at the pain she saw in his eyes, and steeled herself against the onslaught of emotions she’d fought so hard to bury. “I’m leaving Eden Harbor. It has nothing to do with you. I made my decision to leave before I knew you were coming back.”
“Don’t go. Please.”
She stood perfectly still, her whole body wanting him, his touch, his caring, to once again experience how it would feel to be in his arms, to be part of his life, to resuscitate the dreams they’d once shared. She focused intently on the elegant balsam fir reaching toward the sky before them. “I want a life where I can start over, find out who I really am. Maybe find someone who will stand by me through whatever happens. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Love doesn’t count—if in the end you feel alone.”
He let go of her arm. His eyes, dark with emotion, remained on hers. “I wish you’d stay in Eden Harbor, but I have no right to expect you to consider my feelings. Regardless of how badly I’ve handled things in the past, if you should ever need me for anything, anything at all, you only have to ask.”
Feeling his presence like an irresistible force, she had one thought left that mattered. “All my life I’ve felt I had to live up to others’ expectations, to somehow prove that I could do whatever others wanted of me. In a way, that’s what happened during that phone call. As desperate as I was to have you say you wanted our son, I heard the dismay in your voice, the shock.
“What if you thought I’d gotten pregnant just so you’d marry me? In that split second, I convinced myself that if you hesitated, it meant you didn’t want to marry me. I wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t the kind of person who would trap you into marriage, or do the unthinkable and ask you for money.”
“I would never think that under any circumstances, and I’m so sorry you even considered such an idea. You know what? I felt so damned lucky when you and Sam broke up after eleventh grade and you agreed to go on a date with me.”
He smiled that old smile of his that made her heart shudder. A flood of raw need stormed through her, tearing away her veneer of feigned indifference. She wanted him with every part of her being, with every breath she dragged into her lungs.
She’d made a terrible mistake in talking to him without being sure how she felt about him and without steeling herself against the unwavering appeal he exerted over her.
Despite everything that had gone wrong between them, everything she’d had to survive to hold herself together, to make a life for herself, she wanted to tell him how much she’d missed him, how much she’d hoped that they could somehow overcome their past. She was the worst kind of fool for all those thoughts, and yet they were the truth.
“You don’t have to prove yourself to me, Sherri. Never. You were everything I ever wanted in my life, and I made one hell of a mess of it all. Please, don’t ever feel that you have to live up to my expectations.”
“Thank you,” she said, her throat swollen with unshed tears.
“As for people’s expectations, I came back here to live up to my family’s expectations. I went to medical school partly because it pleased my parents so much. But I also did it for me, for us. I wanted the good life that being a respected physician offered. I still do, only it’s different now.”
“Maybe it’s time we lived up to our own expectations. I plan to,” she said.
“Where are you going?”
“I have a job waiting for me at Portsmouth General.”
“I...” He rubbed his hand over his head. “I was hoping we might have a chance.”
She couldn’t let her thoughts go there, let the pain reclaim her one last time. “And there was a time when I wouldn’t have considered leaving Eden Harbor, but that time has passed.”
“I have no right to ask this, but would you consider changing your mind?”
“You never give up, do you?”
“I can’t. Not until you tell me that you don’t feel anything for me. That what we had didn’t survive the damage I caused.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
SHERRI HAD NO idea how she managed to drive back to town, only that she was suddenly going down Gayle’s street, to the quiet little blue house nestled among tall maples and framed by a cedar hedge. So neat and orderly in contrast to her messed-up feelings. One thing she was sure of, the sooner she left for Portsmouth, the better. In spite of Neill’s attempts, he hadn’t done anything to show her that he’d fundamentally changed, only that he needed to ease his guilt.
Gayle was in the yard when Sherri drove up her driveway. Climbing out of her car, she called out to her friend. “Am I glad you’re home! I should have called first, but I couldn’t concentrate in my state of mind.”
“You’re so pale. And your breathing...your eyes...that look on your face. You look as if you’ve seen something.” Gayle’s anxious gaze shook Sherri.
“More like someone.” Sherri settled onto the step, grateful for the warmth of the sun and Gayle’s reassuring presence.
“Neill? Did you see him?”
“I had no intention of seeing him, but he tracked me down at Uncle Matthew’s house. I’d gone there to talk to my uncle. I needed his advice.”
“What did your uncle say?”
“I practically had to pull him off Neill when he showed up. I don’t know what possessed Mom. She told Neill where I was.”
Gayle’s eyes were kind. “She’s probably like me. Wishing that you’d settle things between you and Neill once and for all.”
“What do I have to do to convince you that it is settled?”
Shaking her head slowly, Gayle touched her arm. “What did Neill have to say?”
“I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with him. He tried to explain why he behaved so badly on the phone that day twelve years ago. He even tried to place the blame on me, that I should have gone to Boston and forced him to acknowledge Patrick. He made a mess of things, and now he thinks that an apology can make up for his callous stupidity.”
“And he probably made you feel worse, and maybe a little confused.”
Sherri glanced at her friend. “When did you start reading minds?”
“What if he’s sincere in wanting to make amends?” Gayle asked, her voice low.
“Being sincere and backing up your sincerity with action are two different things. If he was so sincere about it all, why didn’t he come and find me back then? Why didn’t he come to see me when he learned Patrick had died? Where was all this famous sincerity back then?”
“I have to admit that for an intelligent man, he acted really stupid. I didn’t know you then, but if he’d come to see you before your baby was born, how would you have reacted?”
“You mean after I convinced Sam to let Neill in the door?”
Gayle nodded, her smile sad.
“I would have been furious, devastated by his lack of feeling and the fact that he hadn’t been in touch with me sooner.” She clenched her fists in anger, anger she didn’t want to feel. She was so tired of being angry.
“And what would it have taken for him to prove that he cared, that he’d made a mistake, if he’d shown up at your door after your baby passed away?”
Sherri stopped clenching her fists and stared at Gayle. “He... I was too sick to care who was around me.” She looked at her hands. “I had a nervous breakdown and I was under a doctor’s care. He couldn’t have helped me by then.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“How could I? All this time I’ve managed my life without him. He shows up here and has this idea that we can be friends. I was so upset, so agitated, that I told him about my nervous breakdown. God knows I didn’t plan to.”
“And what did he say?”
“He cried. I’ve never seen him cry.” She drew in a lungful of air, remembering his words. “He was so sorry, but sorry is his favorite word. I’m so sick of all this!”
“Would you like a glass of lemonade? I just made some and was going to have a glass when I saw your car roaring down the street.”
“Was I speeding?”
“You don’t know?”
Had she been that upset? “I guess not.”
“Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
When Gayle returned, she passed Sherri a glass of the best lemonade Sherri had ever tasted. She took a long drink and let the cool liquid quiet her nerves.
“Sherri, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’ve had so much to deal with these past few weeks, starting with your decision to move to Portsmouth, the flu outbreak and all those extra hours you put in, and then your diabetes. Are you sure that you’re not just overreacting to all the pressure? Why don’t you give yourself a little more time before you decide that Neill is a lost cause? That moving away is the only answer?”
Sherri had been so relieved that Gayle hadn’t pressed her for details of her meeting with Neill, yet she was surprised that Gayle would suggest that stress was the cause of her unwillingness to accept Neill’s apology. Of course she was stressed. Who wouldn’t be? But she’d been stressed before, and she’d managed just fine. Maybe not always, but still...
“Gayle, my move is about me getting my life together, not a reaction to Neill being here. You know that.”
“Yes, and I understand why you feel you need to start a new life, but are you sure that this is the time to do it?”
“Meaning what?”
“Well, you say you’re okay about Neill being here, but you can’t seem to come to terms with how he’s behaving. There seems to be too much history between you to be ignored.”
“You’re probably right. But after today, Neill and I are done.”
“Why would you say that?” Gayle asked.
“We talked and nothing has changed. It’s that simple.”
“Is it? You still care about him, despite all your protests. It’s obvious that you haven’t forgiven him for what he did, and that’s eating you up inside.”
“No, it’s not! I had a hard time listening to his excuses for what he did. That’s all. You would, too, if you were faced with someone from your past who had hurt you the way Neill hurt me.”
A strange look passed over Gayle’s face, but it was replaced instantly by a gentle smile. “Yes, you were hurt, and you’ve had a lot to deal with because of his abandonment, but you can’t go on feeling this way. You have to find it in your heart to forgive him. And trust me, you’ll feel so much better when you do.”
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with it. Neill wants to make amends. He thinks that a quick fix—a polished apology and an endearing smile—will heal the past. I believe he seriously thinks that we might end up friends.”
“Or more, possibly?” Gayle asked with a lift of her eyebrows.
“Any romantic relationship I have in the future will be with someone I meet in Portsmouth,” she said emphatically, hoping to close the conversation around Neill once and for all.
“Why? Why can’t you accept that you could be happy here?”
“Because Eden Harbor is a community of seniors, kids and married couples—not the place for me.”
“What can I do to help?”
“Nothing. Right now, I just need to get back home.”
“Want to stay for lunch? I can do chicken and vegetables?�
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“That would be great, but I promised Mom I’d take her grocery shopping, and I need to get a few things myself.”
“Will I see you back at work tomorrow?”
“You will. And thank you for everything.” Sherri hugged her friend, feeling for the first time since the morning in the hospital room that she would get her life on track and figure out how to manage her diabetes. “I’m going to sign up for diabetes education classes when I get to Portsmouth.”
“Isn’t it ironic? You put together the program here, and now you need it yourself.”
“It is.” Sherri admired Gayle’s absolute confidence in the idea that all of life’s problems had solutions. It had been one of the reasons they’d become such close friends, and the major reason why she’d confided in her friend about her past. “I’m so glad you moved to Eden Harbor.”
“Me, too.” Gayle returned her hug.
Sherri headed toward her car, feeling better than she had when she’d arrived on Gayle’s doorstep. Gayle hurried down the steps behind her. “Sherri, I’ll miss you when you move, and I hate to think that you’ll leave here so unsettled about your feelings for Neill. Please think about forgiving him. It would be best for both of you. Besides, it’s the only way to start your new life in Portsmouth.”
“To tell you the truth, I wish he’d never come back here, and I really don’t understand why he did. He has a child whose health is a constant concern. Moving here couldn’t have been the best decision for his daughter.”
Gayle shrugged. “Just think about what I said. I learned a long time ago how painful not forgiving someone can be. Why not consider forgiving him and setting yourself free of your anger?”
“How do you know I’d be free of my anger if I forgave Neill?”
“Because you will have accepted his part in your past. Besides, if you’re leaving here for a new life, what have you got to lose by letting go?”
For a long time, she’d never once considered forgiving Neill. She’d been so grateful to Sam for providing her with his love and support while she recovered from the loss of Patrick. But it wasn’t until the day his motorboat had been found drifting in a lake in the Maine woods that she began to see what he’d really meant to her and her life.
The Doctor Returns Page 11