by Toni Aleo
Sofia
“Oh, he makes me blazing mad.”
I look in the mirror at Amelia as she straightens my hair.
“Have you talked to him?” she asks.
“I called him to wish him a happy birthday, and then I asked if he still wanted to go to dinner with me. He said yes, obviously, but I’m so mad.”
Amelia nods. “I get it.”
“I mean, how dare he? I’ve never given him any reason to question my love or my damn support. I’ve done everything but tattoo his name on my chest. He’s so frustrating,” I complain, shaking my head. I hold my finger up to her. “And you know what really gets me going?”
“What?”
“I miss him. Like I want to whack him upside the head, but then I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him, that he’s got this, and whatever he chooses, I support. He makes me crazy!”
She laughs softly. “That’s how it is when you really love someone.”
“Well, I’m glad you don’t question that. Dumbass.”
She smirks at me as she runs the straightener down my hair. We sit in silence, me stewing as she happily does my hair. I bet she’s eating this up. Ryan and I hardly ever fight, and when we do fight, it’s over stupid shit. This is real, and it sucks. I hate that we’re fighting, especially when all I want to do is be there for him. I can’t tell him what to do, but I can support him, which is what I’m trying to do.
But it’s his birthday. Do I stay mad, or do I let it go because it’s his day? I had so much prepared for tonight. I had all kinds of plans for pushing him down on the hotel bed I reserved for us tonight and making sweet, mind-blowing love to him.
Now I want to set it all on fire. Him included.
Jerk.
“If you had the choice, what would you want him to do?”
I meet her gaze, and then I look away, shaking my head. “I’d want him to stay and take the job as a trainer. But that’s only because I don’t feel his heart is truly in the NHL.”
She’s shocked by that, her eyes widening as she stares at me. “You don’t?”
“No. I mean, I know he wants it, and he’s in it. But I see how he lights up when he talks about training with the team or when he aces a test. I don’t see that when he comes off the ice. I see stress, and he beats himself up so much.”
“I completely agree with you,” she says then, and I look up to her.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I want him to get his dreams. I do. But maybe he isn’t right for the NHL. And if that’s the case, that’s fine ’cause he just got offered an amazing job he should take.”
I shrug. “But it’s not our choice.”
“It’s not.”
“I just want him to be happy.”
“I know, and it only makes me love you more.”
Our gazes meet, and I smile. “If you were me and Ryan was Drew, what would you do?”
“I’d tell him to take the job so I didn’t have to live without him.”
My eyes burn into hers. “I don’t want to live without him. I don’t. But I will because I want him to be so happy. The problem with all that is he doesn’t know what will make him happy. Or he does, and he’s worried about making the wrong choice and disappointing everyone. I refuse to be the reason he chooses one or the other. I just want to love him. That’s all.”
Amelia leans in, hugging me tightly around the neck. “Then stick to your guns. Love him. He’ll figure it out.”
Man, I hope so.
The ride to Husk passes in complete silence.
It’s obvious he’s pissed at me, and I’m sure he knows I’m not happy either. We walk into the restaurant and are taken to our table I had reserved back in January. Ryan walks behind me, neither of us speaking as we sit down. When I look across the table at him, I roll my eyes. Of course, he is stunningly gorgeous tonight. He’s wearing my favorite blue suit, and he didn’t wear a tie. Just the way I like. His jaw is free of stubble, and it’s easy to see it’s very strained. Yeah, he’s pissed.
As the waitress goes over the specials, I watch him. I hate this. I hold up my hand and send her an apologetic smile. “I’m so very sorry, but can you come back in like ten minutes?”
She looks put out, and I don’t blame her. I’m being rude, but I can’t let this go on any longer. She mutters something, and I push my seat back as Ryan asks, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I answer as I walk to him. I push his seat back, surprising him before I sit down in his lap. He looks up, drawing in his brows as his arms come around me. I wrap my arms around his neck. “Listen, I can’t do this.”
His eyes search mine, and he nods. “I can’t either.”
My heart aches as I stare into his eyes. “I love you. So much. I can’t fight with you.”
“I don’t want to fight with you, but you just looked so pissed, I figured I’d wait you out,” he says, a little grin pulling at his lips. “Which is torture when you look like a billion bucks. I didn’t take you for a vengeful person, but I’m pretty sure you’re trying to kill me with this dress.”
My face breaks into a grin as I bend my head to his, pressing my nose into his. “The hair and makeup are all Amelia, and I wore this dress to do just that.”
“I knew it,” he mutters against my lips before taking them with his. I lean into the kiss, missing him like crazy. We’ve never gone a whole day or night not speaking, and while it sucked, I’m a stubborn ass just like he is. When he pulls away, he cups my jaw, gazing up into my eyes. “Listen, about yesterday—”
“Lots of emotion there, and we both said things we shouldn’t have.”
He nods. “I’m sorry if I seemed to question your love for me. I didn’t mean to at all.”
“I know. I just freaked. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“I probably deserved it. I really didn’t realize you were upset about your mom, and I was being a jerk. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. We’re gonna fight, Ryan. We’re too passionate not to. But it’s how we say sorry that will mean the most.”
He runs his thumb over my lip, his eyes blazing into mine. “Well, I think we can find some way to say sorry when we get out of here.”
“We sure can,” I say with a wink, and he grins before kissing my jaw.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against my lips, and I melt into him. I kiss his lips once more before getting up. He grabs my ass, and I flash him a grin as I go back to my seat. His eyes capture mine, and then he’s the one who’s standing. He pulls my chair and me beside his, and I laugh.
“You’re insane.”
“You’re too far away.” He drops down into his seat, leaning on my seat to gaze into my eyes. “You didn’t talk to me all day. I’ve got time to make up for.”
“We have all night. I got us a hotel room.”
He waggles his brows. “Man, someone is pulling out all the stops for my birthday.”
“Yup, so many blow jobs are in your future.”
“I love you,” he says, moving his lips along mine. I kiss his top lip before he takes a deep breath, staring into my eyes. I watch as his eyes change, the lust and desire leaving and the confliction settling deep in his blue gaze. “I don’t know what to do, Sofia,” he whispers. “My mom, she’s with Elli. She wants me to take the job. Shea thinks I should wait out the NHL. And I don’t know.”
I hesitate. I don’t want this to become another fight, but he needs me. “Ryan, what do you want?”
He leans back, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I mean, how do you turn down a job with the Assassins?”
“Well, if you don’t love it as much as you love playing hockey, it’s pretty cut-and-dried.”
“I do love it, though, and it has you. I won’t have to leave, and we can be together. No time, no space, no nothing between us—”
I shake my head, holding up my hand. “I told you yesterday, and I’ll tell you again. You cannot put me in this equation, and here’s why. You will be bl
inded by what we have here, how great it is, and you’ll settle. I know you will, and I refuse to allow you to do that. I love you too much, Ryan.”
“Are we ready?”
Ah, the damn waitress.
“Can we get some water, a beer for me, and some more time? We’re in the middle of something.”
She doesn’t even comment. She just walks away, and he looks disgruntled. “She didn’t even card me.”
“Rude,” I say, and then he looks back at me.
A moment passes, and I know he’s trying to figure out his words. He nods his head. “I get what you’re saying, baby. I love you, and I want to be with you—”
“Then maybe I need to step back.”
He pulls in his brows. “What?”
“Take a step back, let you figure out what you want to do with your life. And when you figure it out, we can figure us out. But I told you I didn’t want to be a distraction, and Ryan, that’s what I am right now. A distraction.”
His brows furrow more, and his eyes narrow to slits. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever said. We are not breaking up. That’s dumb.”
“I obviously agree, but you can’t use me as a variable in figuring out what you want. You need to decide, Ryan. What do you want?”
He looks up at the ceiling, shaking his head. “I want you,” he answers before glancing back at me. “I fucking want a life with you in it. Let’s be honest, I have no leads. Nothing, and maybe I’m not cut out for the NHL.”
“Do you truly believe that? What do you love?”
“I love y—”
“Ryan, come on.”
His eyes burn into mine as he presses his lips together. “I love hockey. I love the feel of the ice against my skin when I fall. I love slamming into people, and I love scoring. I love it.” My stomach drops because I really thought it would be the training, but it doesn’t matter. It’s his life, and I’m going to be there no matter what. “But then I love the rush of helping people. Of being there for a team and being in control. I really loved my internship, and I love that it taught me that I can work under pressure. I felt good. I felt like I fit, and I didn’t have to force it. Sometimes, I feel like I have to force it on the ice to be like Shea.”
He is going to kill me. “I—and I’m saying this as a spectator, not your girlfriend—but I love your face when you talk about training. I love how excited you get, and I love your passion. But I also love your passion for playing. Ryan, you blow me away. You’re so talented, and the world is there for you to take. I just need you to realize that, no matter what, you have me. I am behind you, and I love you.”
He leans into me, sliding his nose along mine. “I don’t know how in the world I got you, but I’ll be damned if you don’t make me feel like I’m winning at life.”
I grin, pressing my hand into his cheek. “That’s not me. It’s you. You have everything inside of you to be great. You just gotta decide how to channel that greatness into one thing.”
He closes his eyes, and I do the same. It’s perfect. Just us, exactly how I love it. As much as I want to tell him to take the training job, I’d never want him to tell me to give up my dream of my gym and follow him around the world.
No matter what, he’s part of my end game.
I just need him to realize that.
When he pulls back, a grin is on his lips, “I think—”
But before he can finish, someone yells, “Ryan! Bro!”
His face is blank for a moment until he recognizes the extremely large man who is coming toward our table. Standing up, Ryan holds out his hand, and the man grabs it and they hug tightly. “Mick, man, how’s it going?”
Mick… Oh! Agent.
Mick pulls back, grinning up at Ryan. He’s wearing a very crisp suit and has a long beard, dark-green eyes, and thick, pink lips. “Great. You good?”
“Great,” Ryan says before cupping my shoulder. “This is my girlfriend, Sofia.”
“Ah, the amazing Sofia. It’s wonderful to meet you,” he says, taking my hand, and I flash him my dazzling judges’ smile. “Ryan talks a lot about you.”
“It’s wonderful to meet you,” I say, but my eyes are on Ryan.
Mick flashes me a grin, but then his attention is on Ryan too. “Dude,” he says then, taking Ryan’s shoulder in his hand. “I was, no shit, walking outside to call you. I just got off the phone with the Ontario Hockey League. They have a spot for you. Problem is, you won’t draft. You’ll go in as a walk-on, and while it’s at the bottom, they feed into the best AHL teams. So, I mean, it’s gonna take some work, but I think you can do it. Five years, tops, and we’ll have you in the NHL.”
Ontario.
Canada, I’m sure.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Ryan
Ontario. Canada.
“Wow, okay.”
“Yeah,” Mick says excitedly. “It’s gonna be some long hours and hard days, but it’s a chance. It could lead to great things, and you can do your training thing on the side. I’m sure I can find you a good job, and you can play, ya know?”
Okay. Wow. All right. It isn’t ideal, but like he said, it’s a chance. “Yeah, for sure.”
“We said it would take some work, so here we are. Totally up to you, but as much as I hate to say it, I don’t think I can find anything better, which means you won’t be drafted.”
I nod slowly, and I wait for the panic.
I wait for the totally catastrophic feeling.
But it doesn’t come.
I clear my throat. “I hear you. Thank you for all you’ve done.”
“Absolutely, dude. I mean, we’re in this to win, right?”
“Right,” I say with a grin on my face, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. “Can I get back to you on it?”
He nods eagerly. “Yeah, man, sorry to interrupt your dinner. I couldn’t believe I saw you. I’m here on a date. She’s waiting.”
We all share a good laugh at that. Well, Mick and I do. Sofia is silent beside me. We shake hands, and he smiles at Sofia. “It was great meeting you.”
“You too,” she says softly, and he waves once more before heading back to his table.
I sit down, chewing on my lip as I reach for the menu. I feel her staring at me. I feel her anxiety rolling off her in waves, but I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know. This is what I wanted, a chance, but it doesn’t feel right.
“So, when he says Ontario, he means Canada, right?” Her voice sounds so small, almost like she is defeated. And fuck, it only confuses me more.
“Yeah,” I answer around the lump in my throat.
She moves beside me, Google open on her phone, but I’m staring a hole in the menu, not reading a thing. I was ready to make a decision. I was ready to take the training job, and now…now…fuck.
“Okay, so that’s a two-hour plane ride. I can do homework and stuff in the air. No big, and hey, it looks nice for summers.”
I close my eyes, shaking my head. “Don’t.”
“What?”
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
I hear her phone hit the table, and she reaches for the menu once more. “Okay, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” I snap, looking at her troubled face. Her brow is furrowed, and her lips are pressed together. “I just need to think, and I need you to not act like this didn’t just throw a wrench in everything.”
She blinks, and then she nods abruptly. “Fine. Would you like to leave? Maybe some mindless sex will help,” she says sharply, her eyes in slits. “Or you can go, and I’ll get a cab.”
“Sofia, I get it. I’m being a dick, and I’m sorry, but—” My words trail off, and damn it, I don’t want any of that. I run my hand through my hair, drawing in a deep breath. “Excuse me.”
I get up. I know I should apologize. I’m being an indecisive jerk, but I just need to fucking breathe. I head out of the restaurant, ignoring the stares and even the fact th
at I know she is watching me. When I get outside, the brisk air hits me and knocks the wind out of me. I tuck my hands into my pockets, and I let my head fall back as the tears burn my eyes.
Fucking fuck.
I hate feeling like this. I hate not knowing what I want. But then, I do know. I want that girl sitting at the table by herself in her fuck-me-stupid blue dress and her hair down along her shoulders, all slick and sexy. She’s right, though; I can’t be blinded or distracted by my love for her. I have to love what I do, and I don’t know what that is. I love both of my options. When I only had the training job, it all seemed like an easy decision, but now I could get into the NHL.
It would be a while, but I could get there. I would get there. I know I would, but at what cost? It would take time, and that time would be without Sofia.
But she wouldn’t want to hear that.
Damn it.
Dad, what do I do? What would you do? God, I need you. I need you right now. Shit, I need you all the time. Who am I kidding? Damn it, why’d you leave me?
Tears burn my eyes as I stare up at the sky. I could call Shea, but I don’t want to because I know what he wants me to do, and I don’t know if that’s what I want. I could call my mom, and she’d baby me. It would be great for about five minutes, and then I would still be lost. Confused. Damn it. What I want is to go in there and just be with Sofia. I want her to ask me to stay, but I know she won’t.
When a pair of arms wraps around my waist, I look behind me to see Sofia looking up at me.
“Babe—”
“I love you,” she says against my back. “I do.”
My eyes fall shut, my heart pounding in my chest. As my voice breaks, I whisper, “I love you too.”
“And you’ve got this.” My breath leaves me in a whoosh, and she squeezes me tightly. “Let’s go.”
“What? We have this reservation—”
“We don’t need it,” she says, coming around my body and taking my hand. “Let’s go.”
I let her pull me to the truck, her eyes sad but a grin on her beautiful lips. “But—”
“But nothing. We don’t need this. We need each other.”