Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  His head tilted and he looked thoughtful for a moment. “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

  “Do what?”

  “Play with your hands beneath the table because you’re nervous.”

  “What makes you think I’m nervous?” I stopped the twiddling and placed my hands on the table.

  “Just a hunch.” He shrugged. “Or maybe because I’m sort of nervous too.”

  “Sort of nervous, too?” I repeated.

  “Yeah, just a little.” He pinched his fingers together to show me how much, slowly separating them from one another as far as they would allow. “Okay, maybe a lot.”

  “Why would you be nervous?” I asked, genuinely taken aback.

  “I honestly have no idea but when I figure it out I’ll let you know.”

  “Whatever you say, Bren,” I said, testing the nickname.

  “Bren, huh?”

  “It suits you.”

  “My family would agree since they’re the only ones that have ever been allowed to call me that,” he said. “My full name is only ever used when I’m in trouble.”

  “Hopefully you don’t mind adding me to that list then,” I said. “I’ll remember to only use your full name when I’m angry with you.”

  “I don’t mind at all.” His eyes softened.

  “Good.” I pursed my lips, suppressing a smile.

  “Good.” He pursed his back but his smile won me over.

  He looked beyond my head, squinting his eyes to see better. “My lunch is over and if I don’t get back to work soon my aunt is going to kill me.”

  “Your aunt?” I asked, curiosity lacing my tone.

  “Yeah, she owns the place.”

  “No way.” I sat up straighter, my interest piqued.

  “Yes way.” He mimicked with a laugh.

  He stood from the booth and I followed suit, not really sure what to do. There was nothing more awkward than parting ways with someone that you had just spent time with. I never knew what to say or do. So, I stood awkwardly and stared at him, hoping he would.

  He leaned his face toward mine. I moved my face just in time for his lips to touch the side of my cheek. His lips were soft and full as they brushed against my skin. I swear tingles formed in that exact spot as he moved away from me.

  “I know you’d like to think that this hangout was going to be our last but I’m sorry to say that it’s far from it. We have a lot more coming. That I can promise you, Day.” He gave my arm a gentle squeeze and slowly walked away from me.

  “Okay.” It was all I could say.

  I was right about him. He seemed to have the right things to say and do. I kind of liked it though because it meant I could walk away a little less awkwardly with a little less shame about the goofy smile I was wearing on my face as I left the shop. And believe me when I say, it was goofy. Goofier than goofy itself, if that were even possible.

  I had a feeling Bren was the type of guy who lived with confidence and very little doubt. Possibly no doubt at all. That fact right there was probably the reason he was going to ruin me—mind, body, soul, all of it. I knew it. I knew it all too well. I just chose to ignore it. It was too soon, but sometimes too soon was all we had.

  “Let me get this right.” Maci sat up in her seat, her attention fully on me. “You hung out with him.”

  “Yes.” I sighed. “For the hundred and tenth time today, yes.”

  “I’m just trying to wrap my head around this.”

  “I’m about to wrap your head around something...” I mumbled.

  A finger shot toward my face, freezing midair. “I heard that.”

  “So?”

  “So?” She repeated, looking like she was about to chop my toe off. “Anyway. How was it?”

  “It was nice. He’s sweet.” I sighed.

  “That’s not all he is, girl, trust me,” she said with a dreamy look on her face.

  “That’s disgusting.” I managed a laugh when really all I wanted to do was cry.

  It didn’t make any sense and I had no right to but I couldn’t deny what I felt when I was with him. I felt like Daysie. The Daysie I thought had disappeared long ago. He made her want to come out. He made her want to be free. I didn’t know how much longer I could ignore that.

  “You have no idea, Day. He’s, like, really experienced.” She beamed, obviously proud with this information. “You will not be disappointed in the least.”

  “I know I won’t because I never plan on finding out what you already know.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  “We have nothing in common.” I scrunched my nose. “And I’m not sure how I feel about sleeping with a guy that you’ve already had. I’d feel dirty.”

  “That’s such bull and you know it.”

  “It’s not.” I defended.

  Her eyes rolled to the ceiling. “Why are you trying to lie to me right now?”

  “I’m trying to lie to myself if we’re being completely honest. Not about being grossed out but about my feelings.”

  “And how’s that working for you?”

  “It was working great until you called me out on it.”

  Maci reached for my hands and held them in hers. “Listen to me Daysie Flores. You deserve to be happy and I know it’s nothing but a blip right now but you glow and blush whenever you talk about him or any of us mentions his name. You know what that is? A crush. A real, hardcore crush. That’s what it is and you deserve this more than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re selfless and kind and beautiful. I know that jerk and his friends are mean to you but they’re holding onto something they thought you were years ago. You’ve blossomed, you’ve grown into your curves, and you’ve grown into yourself. I envy you for that. And I love you for it, too. You’re so fearless and strong it kills me sometimes.”

  I wiped at my cheek, catching a tear mid trail. “Thank you. For saying that.”

  “You don’t ever have to thank me for saying what you should always hear. You really are stunning, Day, inside and out and all over.” She winked.

  We both laughed.

  A happiness settled inside my chest and I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, a weight I had grown so accustomed to I forgot it was there.

  “Can I ask you a question?” She didn’t wait for my response, probably because she already knew the answer was always a definite yes. “Do you really think that your bruises aren’t visible beneath that makeup?”

  And there was that weight again. Maybe it had never left to begin with.

  “It’s easier than trying to answer questions.” I shrugged and rubbed at my chest, trying to lessen the pain. “I got tired of lying to people and to myself. This way I can avoid that altogether.”

  “I hate that he still hits you.”

  “He’s sick, Mace,” I said, my shoulders sagging.

  “He needs help.” She stated.

  “And he’ll get it.”

  “When Day?”

  “When he’s ready.”

  “Day.” Her tone said she didn’t understand. I had to make her.

  “You don’t know what it’s like, okay?” I took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy but it needed to be said. The most difficult things in life were the ones that needed to be done. This was just one of those things. “He’s my father. He might be a part time drunk, part time abuser, slash part time pain addict, but he’s still my father. I know that the person he is when he hits me or when he’s angry isn’t really him. I know that. I know that because I can feel it. I feel it in my heart and my soul and I know. I don’t know why he is the way that he is but I know there’s a reason. Whether it’s good or bad, it exists and I just need to be patient. He’ll get help when he’s ready and when that day happens, I’ll support him.”

  “I’m so sorry, Day.” Her arms wrapped around my body and I let her hold me. I let her soothe me with her short arms because that’s what friends did for each other. They fought, they laughed, and they comforted one another with almost pain
ful, bony hugs.

  “I’m just trying to be a good daughter.” My body shook with pain that had been waiting to be released, it shook with hurt that had been buried deep since I was old enough to remember, and it shook with realization that I wasn’t alone. No matter how often I felt like it, I was never alone. Not with friends like Maci. Not with friends who cared about my life just as much as they cared about their own.

  “I know, shh, I know.” She rubbed my back in soothing motions.

  I let her comfort me. I let her feel my pain. For once I wasn’t ashamed of what I was going through because I wasn’t going through it alone. I was never alone. I just hoped I never forgot that.

  I hoped that when the time came, others would be as understanding as Mace was. I couldn’t handle it if they weren’t. I couldn’t handle the judgment that was sure to come from people when they found out about my abuse–when they found out about my not-so-perfect life.

  “I can’t believe you talked me into coming out tonight.” I glared at Mace from under my newly cut bangs. “And thanks for the bangs, they’re going to be especially difficult to do every morning.”

  “After the week you’ve had, I figured you needed it.” A finger pointed toward my face. “And the bangs are literally bangin’ on you. Change is good and we both know you needed that too.”

  “Yeah, whatever. Are Corey and Sarah going to meet us there?” I asked.

  “No. Something about a date night that didn’t include us for once.” Her eyes rolled.

  “They do realize that their dates are only epic because of us, right?”

  “They’ll be crawling back before midnight.”

  “Speaking of midnight.” I sighed. “I know this isn’t exactly on the same topic but why the hell am I wearing a bikini when it’s a nighttime beach bonfire? Wouldn’t a pair of sweats be more appropriate?”

  “No. You look hot.” She looked down at her own attire. “And I’m literally wearing the same thing, so what’s the problem?”

  “There isn’t one, I guess. I’m just not used to showing this much skin.” I mumbled self-consciously.

  “Well, maybe you should get used to it.” Her fingers ruffled through my bangs. “If you got it, flaunt it honey.”

  “I can’t flaunt what I don’t have.”

  “You really have no idea, do you?” She let out a breath, frustration obvious in her deep brown eyes. “That asshole Jason has been putting you down for so long, I don’t think he realizes the girl he started bullying when we were barely teenagers doesn’t exist anymore because in her place is a strong, beautiful human being who, albeit a little shy sometimes, has more spunk than anyone I know. So, don’t ever try to tell me that you don’t got it again because we’re going to have some major problems if you do.”

  My eyes were brimming with tears but I blinked them away. I had no idea what I would do without Maci. “I love you, crazy.”

  “I love you, too, crazy two.”

  “Can I please put a cover-up on over this bikini though? Please?” I asked with a pout and what I assumed were successful puppy dog eyes.

  “If you must.”

  “I definitely must.” I pulled on a knitted sweater that was perfect for a cool winter night since the holes allowed breeze to sweep in while still covering my body and leaving some things to the imagination. Thank gosh for that. I slid on a pair of cut off shorts to complete the ensemble. “There. Is it Maci approved?”

  She nodded her head, seemingly pleased. “Most definitely.”

  “Great. Now let’s get out of here and go to this bonfire thing before I change my mind.”

  “Bonfire thing?” Mace barked out a laugh. “It’s so much more than that.”

  “Don’t tell me this thing is going to be crazy insane.” I half begged.

  “Don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough.”

  My eyes widened in fear and nervousness. I wasn’t fond of surprises.

  “Mace?” I stared at her in shock, my mouth slightly agape. I’m sure my eyes looked like they were bulging out of my head too because it sure felt like it. “Why does it look like the whole town is here?”

  “Because this bonfire thing is a big deal.” She waved her hand like it wasn’t a big deal, like it was something I should already know but judging by our earlier conversation, I knew darn well that she knew I didn’t know. “And it’s not the whole town. The parents and grandparents were definitely not invited.”

  “So, we made our appearance. Can we leave now?” I asked, staring at the crowds of people hanging out in front of different fire pits with plastic cups in hand. This was definitely not what I expected.

  “No.” Mace shook her head. “No way. You’re going to mingle, you’re going to flirt, and you’re going to enjoy yourself.”

  “Highly doubt that.” I shivered at the mere thought. I hated the feeling of being on display. I hated not knowing whether I was saying the right thing or not because half the time I didn’t process what I was saying, I just said it, and that’s what usually got me in trouble. Most of the time anyway. I mean when I wasn’t fearful of being unapologetically myself, but even that was a rarity.

  “Brenton is here.” She nodded toward a group of people.

  “Is that supposed to mean something to me?” I picked at an invisible lint on my sleeve.

  “Still fighting it even after our conversation earlier? Really?” She pursed her lips at me. Great. I was the focal point of her disapproval tonight, it seemed.

  “I don’t want to be his charity case, Mace.”

  “Why would you be that?”

  “Because the girls standing in a worship circle around him are girls that are one hundred times out of my league.”

  She looked at me like I had grown an extra head, as if said extra head was that of an extinct dinosaur. “You really, seriously do have no idea, huh?”

  “Again, like I asked earlier, about what?”

  “About how gorgeous you are.”

  “Oh gosh. Please not now.” I pressed my face into my hands in a half-hearted attempt to shelter me from the words I knew were about to come out of her mouth.

  “Fine. Not now. But only because Mr. Connors himself is heading over here.”

  “Judging by the tone of voice you’re using, I’m guessing it isn’t Jason you’re referring to.”

  “You’d be guessing right.” She gave my arm a gentle squeeze. “I’ll be around if you need me.”

  “Right.” I narrowed my eyes on her, wondering if I had enough time to escape or not.

  “Daysie.” Bren said as he stood in front of me.

  “Connors, hurt my friend and I hurt you. Got it?” Mace shouted over her shoulder as she walked away. As long as no one else heard her, I was safe.

  “Should I be afraid of her?”

  “Probably.”

  I took a small step back, distancing myself from him. When I was too close I couldn’t think straight and around him I needed to.

  “Still running from me, Day?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What are you so afraid of?”

  “A lot of things.” I shrugged, avoiding eye contact because as soon as I caught sight of those baby blues I knew I’d be a goner.

  “Day.”

  Oh gosh, he was closer now. Way closer. So close that his breath fanned across my cheek as he spoke. My eyes closed on their own. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t avoid him much longer without passing out from need or something.

  “Day.” He repeated, his voice much lower than it was before. “I’ll say this as many times as I need to. I’m not asking for much. I’m not even asking for you. I’m just asking for your time, your company.”

  “I just don’t understand why.”

  “Let me worry about that.” His lips brushed against my cheek now.

  I tugged on my sweater.

  Who put me in a sauna and why was I willingly staying there? Because that sauna was Bren, apparently.

  “Trust me, Daysie.” His
lips moved along my cheek toward my ear and back again. I was totally going to cave.

  “Okay.” I said breathlessly. His lips held more power than I thought they would. I couldn’t stand my ground for more than two seconds when he was around. I was definitely in trouble.

  I felt him smile against my cheek.

  “Don’t get too excited.” I mumbled.

  “I’ll try not to.” His lips pressed against the edge of my lips. I had to fight not to move my lips in response.

  He was going to be the death of my soul, I swear.

  I clenched my fists around my sweater. I needed a distraction. A quick one.

  “I need to, um, go do something.” I swallowed back the frog in my throat.

  “I’ll go with you.” I felt his lips spread into a smile against my cheek.

  Why was he still so close?

  “Please don’t.” I whispered.

  “Day.”

  “And stop saying my name like that.”

  He chuckled, the sound causing goosebumps to form on my arms. Or maybe that was from the air. It was a little chilly. “Like what?”

  “Like you want me to hand you my heart on a gold platter with two million cherries on top.”

  “I was thinking more like two billion, but two million would work too.”

  “What?” My eyes flew open and at the sight of him I almost lost my breath. He had literally almost taken my breath away. Almost.

  “Ah, there are those gorgeous green eyes of yours. I thought you’d lost them.” His gaze trapped mine.

  “Kind of impossible since the color has stained my eyes since the day I was born.”

  “Still, it’d be a shame if I never got to see them again.”

  “Right.” I scoffed.

  “Don’t do that.” His fingertips brushed against my elbow and pulled my body toward his.

  “Do what?” I asked, breathless.

  Seriously, why Day, why are you letting this happen?

  “Belittle yourself.” His lips brushed against my forehead. “You have no idea who I see when I see you but if you did, maybe you’d understand.”

  “What do you see?”

  “I see everything.”

  “Everything?” I repeated, numbly. “That’s really cheesy, you know that?”