Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  “I know, but it’s true.”

  And then his lips were on mine. I let him kiss me. I let his lips press so hard against mine that I felt like my lips were going to fall off. They were tingling. My whole body was static. Static as his hands pressed my front against his. Static as those same hands roamed on their own, exploring. And static as his heart stole the key to mine.

  My heart hurt and my soul threatened to shatter. I had never let myself feel so much before—not in terms of love or lust. I had always kept my heart, soul, and body at a safe enough distance that I wouldn’t get hurt. I couldn’t afford any more pain in my life. Not with the pain from my bullies, not with the pain from my family, and not with the pain I was already causing myself. I couldn’t do it. I had never been able to because I knew that if I did then I would have given myself over to the pain altogether rather than just being on the receiving end of it. I would have become it. I would have fallen into death without a second thought and I didn’t want that. I needed to fight. I needed to live for Sarah, for Maci, and for myself. I couldn’t let the pain win. So, I fought. I survived. I had only ever survived. But with Bren’s lips moving against mine, I got a taste of what it would feel like to live. And that scared the ever living shit out of me. So much that I needed to stop it. I needed to stop him before he altered my world even further. I wasn’t ready for what he was trying to offer. I wasn’t ready for the future he would possibly give me. I wasn’t even strong enough to try. Not yet, anyway. Someday, someday I would be.

  “I can’t.” I shook my head, pulling away from him. His lips were swollen from my kisses and his eyes held so much confusion, I wanted to kiss him again, to reassure him. But I couldn’t. He deserved better. He deserved someone a lot less broken. “I’m so sorry.”

  I turned and ran. I ran like my whole world depended on it because it felt like it did. I prayed he wouldn’t follow me and, thankfully, he didn’t.

  When I got home, neither parent was home. Thank goodness for that. I closed my door, turned the lock, and cried on my bed. I cried for the future I would never have with another soul and I cried for the bravery that had been taken away from me when I was first abused—emotionally and physically. I cried for it all.

  “Get your booty out of bed!” A weight pressed against my body and anxious hands pulled at my arms.

  “Daaaay!” Another voice sung.

  I didn’t have to open my eyes to know who it was. I already knew and because of that, I pretended to be asleep just a little bit longer.

  “You can’t fool us, sleeping gorgeous.” Maci sang some more. “We have a week left of break. One. Week. So, get a move on it.”

  “You have two seconds to open your eyes and get a move on it before we force you to,” Sarah said.

  “Fine.” I opened my eyes and the bright light from my window nearly blinded me in the process. “You two are the worst, seriously.”

  “If by worst you mean best then yes, we certainly are.” Mace poked at my cheeks. “Now get up, sleepy head.”

  “How did you guys even get in here?”

  “Uh, your mom loves us,” Maci said. “And we know how to break into your room.”

  “Yeah, and your dad is still passed out so we should really leave before he wakes up.” Sarah shuddered. “I really don’t feel like dealing with him.”

  “You and me both.” I deadpanned.

  “Right, sorry.”

  I gave her a smile. “So why are you two here, waking me up at the butt crack of dawn?”

  “It’s ten.” They said at the same time.

  “Exactly.”

  “We want to go hiking.” Sarah clapped her hands together in excitement.

  “Why?”

  “Why not?” Mace challenged.

  “Fine. Just give me a moment.”

  “Great because there’s this new trail we’ve been dying to try.” Mace had her mischievous grin on. This wasn’t going to be good. For anyone, especially me.

  “Since when?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “Since this morning.” She raised one back.

  I left it alone and changed into a tank top with yoga capris. A girl could never go wrong with a pair of yoga pants. Plus, they made my butt look nice, so there was that.

  “This doesn’t look like a hiking trail,” I said, staring at the pavement. We had left my house thirty minutes before and were now on the edge of some park. It didn’t make sense.

  “It’s not supposed to.” Sarah beamed.

  “Then what is it supposed to look like?”

  “Like a park.” Mace added with a smirk. “I never said where we were hiking.”

  “Exactly.” Sarah added.

  “Okay, weirdos. Let’s ‘hike’ through the park then.” I threw in air quotes for good measure, knowing it would piss them off. Which it did, since I got two middle fingers in response.

  We sped through the park, each of us trying to race the other. So, our hike slash walk turned into a run slash hop competition. We all took turns being in first place, but it was difficult to determine who the winner was since there wasn’t really a finish line. So, we just kept on like that—hopping, running, laughing. It was actually kind of fun. And distracting. So distracting that I hadn’t noticed the group of tall, masculine boys who stood in front of us, causing us all to skid to a stop. One of those boys happened to have a killer dimple and pair of eyes that caused my heart to double skip in and over itself.

  I looked over at my friends to see if they were just as surprised as I was but they weren’t. No, instead they were smiling and greeting the group like they had been expecting them. Of course, they had. They were still trying to set me up with Bren. It had been five days since the bonfire and I had been doing everything I could to distract myself from him. But I couldn’t. He was always on my mind like an irritating moth to a flame.

  “Going to run from me again Daysie?” A deep voice broke through my thoughts and a pair of fingertips brushed against my bicep.

  “Only if you give me a reason to.” I shot back, my voice steady and strong.

  His lip quirked up, showing off his dimple.

  Damn you, dimple.

  “What do you have against my dimple?” Both lips were quirked now, a full-blown smile on his face.

  “Oops.” I widened my eyes dramatically. “Did I say that out loud?”

  “Yeah, yeah you did.” He chuckled.

  “Well, I didn’t mean to, so forget I said anything.”

  “Daysie Flores.” He stepped closer to me, his fingers wrapping around my arm and taking hold like he owned me. “Is my dimple your weakness?”

  “No.” I croaked. With him that close it was hard enough to breath, there was no way I could lie too. “I mean, maybe, it’s more like Kryptonite really.”

  If you couldn’t beat em’, join em’ right? Or in this case, I was giving in. I was like a teeter totter, going up and down with these decisions. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I was feeling, but I also knew what I couldn’t have. And that was the real kicker because maybe I really had no idea what I wanted and I was just too afraid to admit it. But what was I afraid of? I was trying to live. I was trying to be happy. So, why was I denying myself the opportunity to finally have someone be the reason for that happiness? I was my own worst enemy, and that needed to change.

  Here I go again. I’m going to start making an effort, I vowed to myself. No more denying for me. Nope. I was going to live. I needed to live. I needed more reasons to not give up, and Bren might’ve been the biggest reason of all.

  “In that case, I’ll be using it on you more often.” He arrogantly flashed his dimpled cheek my way and even then, it was cute. Darn him.

  I shook my head, and the laughter bubbling up my throat turned into a sigh. He really was attractive. The freckles spattered across his nose stood out under the light of the sun and his hair looked even more golden than it did the last time I had seen him. Ugh, and those eyes. That shade of blue should seriously be illegal. I didn’t
even know if blue was accurate enough because they were almost clear—as clear as the ocean.

  I cringed at my internal monologue.

  Smooth, Daysie, real smooth.

  “I think I’m going to let you win.” I held up a hand, halting him from speaking. “And before you say anything, I know I basically said the same thing before when I agreed to hang out with you the first time but I think right now I really mean it.”

  “Really?” He stared at me with eyebrows raised and a million questions lingering behind his eyes. “I don’t want to get my hopes up again just to have you walk away from me. I mean, I like the chase as much as the next guy, but that can get old really quick.”

  “No more running. I promise. It’s a little too soon, but crushes are innocent, right? Just fun.” I stepped toward him, brushing my fingers along the material of his shirt. “Let’s take things slow and, as you like to say, hang out.”

  “Hang out?” A beautiful smile spread across his face, enhancing his freckles and dimple. There were too many things about this boy I liked. They were enough to break through the barrier I had placed around my heart. “I do enjoy hanging out, especially with you, Daysie.”

  “Then it’s settled, we’ll hang out.”

  “How about now?” He asked, hopeful.

  “How about now, what?” My brows scrunched together, playing clueless.

  “How about we hang out now?”

  “What about Sarah, Mace, and the guys?” I glanced to my side, expecting to see them all still standing there but instead I was met with the view of the park and a group of kids playing in the distance. They had left. Again. “Where did they go?”

  “They left around the same time you proclaimed your undying love for my dimple.” His arms crossed over his chest, bringing attention to his broad shoulders. “But don’t worry, that was the plan all along. Apparently, your girls think that I could be good for you, and who was I to argue against that?”

  “Traitorous bees are what they are,” I said, silently cursing them while inwardly thanking them for pushing me past my comfort zones.

  “They just know what’s best for you.”

  “And what’s best for me is you?” I questioned.

  “For right now, yes,” he responded. His voice was so convincing that I believed him. I had to. What other option did I have? The only thing that worried me was the right now part. I suppose I understood though. All good things had to come to an end eventually, so it was important to enjoy them while they were still there.

  “So, I’m all dressed for a hike. What do you say we go on one?”

  “Are you asking me out, Flores?” His hand pressed against his chest. “I’m touched.”

  “Yeah, you're something all right.” I shook my head.

  “I just know what’s best for me.”

  “Riiiiight.” He was so corny, it was cute. “Whatever you say.”

  “Exactly. Whatever I say.” He had a smug look on his face. I wanted to lick it off him, but even I wasn’t that forward. No, that was more Maci’s thing. I shivered at the thought as my mind reminded me of the small history they shared. I needed to shake it off. They were over it, so I should have been too. “But I’ve got some stuff to take care of right now, so I say we meet up later tonight and have our hang out then.”

  “Fine.” I conceded. At this point I wasn’t really planning on fighting him anyway.

  “Fine.” He repeated. And again, I wanted to lick the smug look off his face. If I had been brave enough I probably would have, but I wasn’t. Not yet anyway, but I would be soon.

  We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. Apparently, he had more than one errand to run before our hang out. I had a feeling his errands had something to do with our plans tonight. I tried searching for Mace and Sarah but I was positive they had left already, probably to hide from me since I wanted to throw an acorn at their heads for the ambush they had planned. Even so, I smiled at their constant pushes of faith.

  After the hike slash ambush at the park, I headed home. I was never sure what to expect when I walked through the front door but I always made sure to prepare myself. In my household, the worst was all there was so I knew, I always knew what was going to happen, but a small part of me held onto the hope that someday things would change, that someday my life wouldn’t be so heartbreaking. But that someday wasn’t going to come any time soon.

  “Your mother went out,” a slurred voice said as I walked through the door. I glanced up to see my father. To no surprise, he was holding a bottle of alcohol in his hand.

  He was drunk. He was always drunk. I couldn’t even remember a time when he had been lucid, especially around me. I wasn’t even sure how he and my mom got along. Maybe they didn’t. What I did know was that he fought with me a whole lot more than he fought with her.

  I didn’t respond to his comment about my mom’s whereabouts. Instead, I stared at him directly in the eyes. The usual amber-like color was more of a milk chocolate surrounded by a sea of redness. He wasn’t just drunk. He had taken something too. My heart ached at the sight. He was my father and I loved him—I had to—but I didn’t understand how he could do this to his family. I didn’t even know when it first started. Long before I was born, I had assumed, but my mother never said anything to me about it. She never even acknowledged it and when she did, it was for no more than a few seconds.

  I closed the door, letting it click shut behind me, and did no more than stare at him as I willed my beating heart to calm down. It would find solace soon. The man standing in front of me was nothing more than a shell of the father he should have been to me.

  “You respond when I’m speaking to you Daysie Flores.” His voice still slurred but it was strong and fearful. I cowered back against the door in response.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice was meek.

  I knew better than to get into it with him while he was in this state. The last time had ended with me getting slapped across the face with a light bruise just below the surface. My fingertips twitched at the memory. On instinct, I wanted to press my hand against my face but if I did that I was sure to end up with another one. It was like clockwork. Every time he was on a high and we interacted, I would end up with some type of mark reminding me of the incident. I could fight back all I wanted but the end result would forever be the same, sometimes worse. I wasn’t strong enough for that—my soul wasn’t strong enough. I needed a run. I needed a release. And I needed one soon.

  “You better be sorry, girl.” He spat at me. I cowered back even further, the door knob digging into my back. The pain was welcomed, something I needed. “After all that I’ve done for you, and you still continue to be an ungrateful, selfish little brat.”

  He stepped toward me, and I pressed my hands back against the door, silently clawing at the chipped wood. I shut my eyes. The hatred in his stare was too much to look at.

  Please don’t come any closer. Please stay away. I silently begged, knowing that if I voiced my fear of him out loud that it would only make things worse.

  “You need some disciplining Daysie, and I’m going to have to be the one to give to you, like always.”

  I heard him step closer, so close that I could smell the liquor lingering around him.

  God, no. I beg of you.

  Something crashed against the wall beside me, beside the door, and I felt tiny pieces of glass fly everywhere. I felt them gently pierce the skin on my arm, but I made no move to react. I knew he wasn’t finished. I knew he had more coming, and I needed to stay strong. I just didn’t know how much longer I could keep up with the pretend strength. It was harder than usual. Always so hard.

  Some pieces bounced off my skin while I felt others embed a piece of themselves inside. This was going to be a hard one to explain, even to Mace and Sarah.

  His hand wrapped around my neck and squeezed gently. My eyes flew open at the contact. I took deep breaths through my nose, willing my strength to stay.

  “That’s right. You look at
me when I’m speaking to you.” His breath reeked of alcohol and day-old food. I would have gagged if his hold on my throat weren’t so strong. “What have I done to earn this type of disrespect?”

  I glared at him. He squeezed tighter. On instinct, my hands reached up and grabbed his wrist, squeezing and scratching as I begged for him to release his hold.

  “You don’t fight me Daysie. Ever.”

  I knew it was a threat. I knew I shouldn’t have pushed him, but I did. I dug my fingernails into his skin and as soon as I did, his free hand reached out and swung through the air, slapping against my still sensitive face. I felt blood trickle from my nose and knew he had left something that wouldn’t be as easy to cover up. He swung again, his hold on my neck never letting up, and pierced the side of my lip. I gasped at the lack of oxygen flowing through my body and the pain that I felt at the force of his hand. My lip throbbed in agony and I knew, as the pain increased, that he had cut it open.

  He looked disgusted as he stared at my face and slowly released his grip. He shoved my body hard against the wall and let go, backing away slowly.

  “Go clean yourself up.” He shook his head, disappointment clear in his bloodshot gaze. But was he disappointed in me or his own actions? I hoped for the second option, but I knew better. “You’re a disgrace, ya hear?”

  I waited for him to get inside the other room before gasping for air. I held my neck as I slid down the door and sat against it on the cold tiled floor. I coughed and cried, rubbing my neck to release some of the pain that still lingered. I could still feel his fingers wrapped around it, squeezing so tightly I had felt like it would never end.

  My body hunched over, convulsing in fear and sadness.

  When will this end?

  What did I do to deserve this?

  Why can’t I just die already?

  Why is this happening to me?

  What can I do to make it stop?

  So many questions floated through my mind, and I hated every single one of them. I hated those questions because I knew I would never have the answers to them. They would forever be unknown. I just hoped that whatever the answers were, they’d be true because if they weren’t, why was I even still trying to stay here?