Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  This couldn’t be real. This was the type of horror that happened in movies or television shows or telenovelas, not real life.

  But it was real. It was happening to me, and it had been happening my whole life.

  I nodded and he shoved me away from him, walking away without bothering to look back.

  I closed my eyes, letting the first of many tears fall.

  I was broken, and though I could fly, that would never change. I would never be good enough. The hope I had found while he was away faded, and I was too exhausted to try to get it back.

  I left the house in what I was already wearing, sans proper running shoes or attire, and gripped my phone in hand as I ran like hell, my body begging for a reprieve that I wouldn’t give. I needed to numb the pain and confusion suffocating me and forget about the memories forcing their way to the forefront of my mind. They played like short movies, one after the other, and I had no choice but to acknowledge them.

  It only made me run faster. I pushed myself and focused on the cement in front of me, watching the toes of my feet as they pounded against the surface.

  What was the point to this life if every time I tried to move forward I was pushed back? He was one person and so was she, but they were my parents and I wanted what every child wanted from them: love and acceptance. I had never received either, and I knew I probably never would, but that realization broke my soul and though it wasn’t the end of the world, it felt like the end of mine.

  I’m not sure how long I ran or how long I had been laying on the patch of grass at the park across town, but I felt lighter. My limbs were loose and I couldn’t move without feeling like jelly, but I felt less constricted.

  My chest still hurt and my mind was a scattered mess, but I felt okay.

  After several hours of insistent ringing from my phone, I answered it. “Hello?”

  “Thank the freaking universe, Daysie Flores, where the heck have you been?” Maci’s worried voice filtered through the speaker. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours.”

  “Sorry,” I said instinctively.

  “It’s fine, I’m just glad you’re okay,” she said softly. “I know your dad was coming home today and the last time I heard from you, you were waiting for him. How did it go?”

  “It went,” I said with a harsh laugh. “He’s the same as he’s always been and I’m all out of fighting. I can’t do it anymore. I mean, how much does one person have to go through before life starts being more of a dream and less of a nightmare? I want to live and I want to fight, but my strength is withering, and I can’t anymore. I just can’t.”

  My voice broke on every other word, but I didn’t care. It felt like my chest was wide open and my heart was barely beating. I couldn’t do this, but even as that thought came through, I knew it wasn’t sure. I knew it wasn’t, I just needed to keep pushing because eventually I’d set myself free. I just couldn’t give up, and that was the hard part.

  “Sometimes you’ve got to go through the bad to get to the good, and even though you have a lot of bad, you also have so much freaking good, Day, you really do,” she said with conviction. “You are strong enough to get through this, just like you always have. Gather that strength and use it. Live for it.”

  “Live for strength?” I asked numbly.

  “Yes,” she said, her voice never wavering. “Live for it and never lose it. You have more strength than anyone I’ve ever known. Don’t let them take that away from you.”

  “It’s settled,” Maci announced as she walked into her room. “You’re officially moving in with my family until the end of the school year and through the summer or until you decide you don’t need to be here anymore.”

  Maci had picked me up after our phone call and I had been at her house, trying to process what had happened that day. I shared the details with her and like I expected, it made her angry. So, she told her parents, who didn’t understand my parent’s lack of parenting skills, and apparently said I could live here.

  “I don’t want to be a burden,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s too much, and I don’t want my father coming here looking for me whenever he needs to release his hate on someone, that someone being me.”

  “He won’t.” She promised, and I stared at her. “Fine, maybe he will, but my parents won’t let anything happen to you. You’re one of them, and they’d rather something happen to them than ever put you in harm’s way.”

  “I don’t know, Mace,” I said slowly.

  “Trust me, it really is okay,” she said reassuringly, sitting in the seat beside me. “There’s nothing I want more, and my parents adore you, so it really isn’t a problem. We only want what’s best for you, and right now, I really think this is it.”

  I released a deep, shaky breath. She had a point. Besides, I would be safer there, and wasn’t that the point?

  “Okay, I’ll live here.” I agreed.

  “Yay, we’ll be roommates. I mean, the circumstances suck, but look at the bright side, every night will be like a sleepover.”

  “I feel like we should fill Sarah in on this, I feel bad that she wasn’t here when I told you what happened.”

  “I already have,” Mace promised. “Besides, she’s visiting family in Washington.”

  “She is?” I asked, confused. “I had no idea. When did she leave?”

  “A couple of days ago?” She mused. “It was a last-minute trip. I guess her mom’s sister had a baby or something. But she promised to stop by as soon as she lands and that she’s here for you, always.”

  “I feel like I should call her.”

  “I knew you’d say that,” she said with a smile, pulling her phone from beside her and holding it in front of both of our faces. “Which is why she’s been not-so-patiently waiting to talk to you, too. Thankfully, video calls are a thing, otherwise we’d all be going through withdrawals.”

  I laughed, happiness blooming in my chest. “You’re the best, you know that? You both are. I don’t know where I would be without you.”

  “Probably lonely in a field of flowers somewhere,” Sarah said, her face popping up on the screen. “I miss you both like crazy and it’s only been, like, two days.”

  “Well, we’re the three best friends, any day we spent apart is going to feel like at least five years, so it’s really been ten years if you think about it,” Maci said with a laugh.

  “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you today, Day, I know it isn’t easy,” Sarah said solemnly.

  “I know you are, but it’s okay, you were here whether you knew it or not. I carry you around with me like I would a tattoo or something. You’re permanently etched into my life, so even when we’re apart, I know you’re there.”

  They both stared at me, eyes misting with unshed tears.

  “That was really cheesy, wasn’t it?” I awkwardly laughed. “Ignore me, I’m just an emotional mess today, or every day, but you already know that.”

  “It’s cheesy, but we definitely feel the same way, Day,” Mace said.

  “We really do,” Sarah agreed.

  That’s how we spent our night, the three of us talking until the late hours of the night.

  The day’s events didn’t feel so detrimental then, not when I had the light of my best friends leading me from the darkness that begged I stayed.

  This was life, and I was going to live it.

  “Okay, that’s the last of your things,” Bren announced, walking up and pressing a kiss against my cheek. “You didn’t have much.”

  “I didn’t need much,” I said with a smile. “Honestly, I’m just happy to finally be away from that house. It’s only been a day but already I feel freer.”

  “Yeah, I get it,” he said softly. “Your parents didn’t seem very happy about the change, but Maci’s parents didn’t really give them a choice.”

  “They sure didn’t,” I laughed, remembering the ferocity of her mom’s voice when she confronted mine about what would happen if she prevented them from quote
saving me from their poisoned home unquote. Since my mother cared more about public opinion than me, she agreed to let me live here.

  “I love that sound, Daysie,” Bren whispered against my bare shoulder, pressing a light kiss against my skin. “It’s been awhile since I’ve heard it.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m happy, and I’m not so scared to breathe or move or say the wrong thing anymore.”

  “They can’t hurt you anymore. He can’t. I won’t let it happen.”

  “It’s not too late for you back out, you know?” I regretted the words as soon as I said them.

  “What are you talking about?” His eyes narrowed on mine and his dimple disappeared.

  I sighed. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. Things have been so good between us.”

  “Hey,” he softened his voice. “Talk to me. What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”

  The corners of my mouth tilted up at his compliment.

  “I love when you call me that,” I said wistfully. “With you, things are so good that a small part of me somewhere is always on the edge of a seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Love isn’t supposed to be this amazing, not the kind I’ve witnessed anyway, and I don’t want you to feel stuck because you feel sorry for me, which I know you don’t, but ugh, I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say.”

  “Love, huh?” He asked, his blue eyes shining.

  “Uh, what about it?” I asked nervously, pulling back to look up at him.

  “You just said something about how love isn’t supposed to be this amazing and I’m assuming the this you’re talking about is you and me, and our relationship.” The entire time he spoke, he had a goofy looking smile on his face.

  I swallowed back my nerves and smiled shyly. “Did I? I wasn’t really thinking about what I was saying, so much as I was venting, I guess. I don’t really know. How about we go see if Maci’s mom needs help with dinner?”

  “Sure, but first I want to talk to talk about this.”

  “About what, exactly?” I asked slowly.

  He stretched his arms above his head and said casually and confidently, “About the fact that I love you.”

  “Uh,” I faltered, my heart doing summersaults in the middle of my chest. “What? I mean, um, you do?”

  I mentally shook myself. I wasn’t used to professions of love from people who weren’t my best friends but in a lot of ways Bren had become part of that small circle for me, so I shouldn’t have been as surprised or flustered as I was, but I couldn’t help it. He was everything I never thought I would have, but here he was, more mine than anyone else had ever been.

  “I’m sorry, did you need me to say it again?” He asked with a coy smile, stepping into me until his body was less than an inch from mine. “I love you, Daysie Flores.”

  My eyes widened and I took a deep breath, trying to process his words. “You love me? You don’t think it’s too soon for that?”

  My voice reflected my nerves and I inwardly cursed myself for ruining this moment. If there was one thing I had learned about Bren it was that he rarely, if ever, said things he didn’t mean.

  The truth was that I was in shock. I mean, I felt a lot for him, maybe it was love or maybe it was like, I really didn’t know, but it was definitely something.

  “Let me try this again, Brenton Connors,” I said with a smile, saying his full name the same way he had uttered mine.

  I took another deep breath, this one steadier than the last, and hoped whatever I said next didn’t completely ruin everything. I didn’t think, just spoke.

  “I love you, Brenton Connors.” My voice was solid and slow, and although the words surprised me, I knew they were true.

  I shook my head, smiling, as he leaned down and pressed kisses along my jawline, leading to my lips.

  “I know we still have a lot to learn about each other and that we’re young, I know that bothers you, but what we have is good, and when it’s good, you’ve just got to let it happen, Daysie.”

  “That’s what I’m doing,” I whispered against his lips. “I’m letting it happen.”

  “Okay, you two, pause your lovefest for like five minutes and come join the rest of us in the real world,” Maci yelled at us from the front door, rolling her eyes in annoyance. I knew she was secretly jumping up and down and clapping her hands, but ya know, she was always one to play it cool.

  I pulled away from Bren. “If we don’t go inside now, you know she’ll only make a scene.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know,” he said, resigned and gave me a small smile.

  “I really do love your dimple,” I said, reaching up to graze the small indention. “It’s like home, comfort, ya know? Maybe? Ugh, okay, let’s halt the cheese fest and go inside.”

  I turned to leave, but he gently grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.

  “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  “The things that come when we least expect it are usually the best is what I’m learning,” I said matter-of-factly. “I mean, take you, Sarah, and Maci, for example. You three keep me sane, or four, if we’re counting Corey, which we should because he’s part of the group too.”

  His body shook with laughter. “I love it when you get flustered.”

  I grumbled against his chest and pulled away. “Thank you for giving me another reason to live.”

  “What do you mean?” He asked, curious.

  “I’ll explain it to you someday, but we should really go inside before Maci comes out and causes a scene.”

  He hesitated for a moment but nodded his agreement.

  He was my unexpected, but he was quickly becoming the best thing that had ever happened to me.

  Bleh, I know, but life’s too short to ignore the facts.

  Several weeks had passed since my declaration of love and moving into Maci’s house, and I was closer to graduating high school. I been accepted to study at a college in the suburbs of Los Angeles and I was thrilled. But, honestly, I would have been perfectly content with studying at the local community college too, so long as I never had to return to my parents again. I hadn’t spoken to either one of them, and it that was for the best. They hadn’t reached out to me and I hadn’t made a move to talk to them. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure I missed them. I missed the idea of them, but the people they actually were? Yeah, them I could do without.

  Scratch that. I told a white lie just then. Though my mother hadn’t reached out, my father sure did. Despite blocking his number, he used multiple numbers to call and fill my phone with voice messages. I stopped listening to them after the first few had the same sentiment.

  Basically, he wished me nothing but the worst and hoped I knew what would happen if we were ever stuck in a dark alley together. Or something like that.

  He was my least favorite person, and my life was better without him. Harsh? Maybe. But it didn’t make it any less truthful.

  “Roomie,” Maci said, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’re looking at that phone like it stole your favorite sleep shirt. What’s up?”

  “He’s still calling,” I said quietly, scrolling through the long list of voicemails he had left. All of which I still refused to listen to.

  “I really think we should tell my parents,” she said, concerned. “The last time we kept something from people of authority, you ended up in the hospital.”

  “I know, but I’m safe here. He can’t hurt me now.” I didn’t know who I was trying to convince, myself or her, but the way my voice wavered, I knew I was unsuccessful.

  She sighed, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Just think about it. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I also don’t want to keep anything from them, so I’m stuck. But if you need a few more days, I completely understand.”

  “You’re the best, you know that?”

  “Oh, I sure do. Now, let’s go meet Sarah at our favorite booth and consume gallons of ice cream.”

  “I live for friend dates like these,”
Sarah said enthusiastically. “There’s never a dull moment when we’re together.”

  “How could there be? We’re pretty incredible,” Maci said with a hair flip, which made us all laugh.

  “Bren isn’t working today?” Sarah asked.

  “No, he’s helping his uncle paint the house or something like that,” I said, slightly unsure. “I was only partially listening.”

  “What?” Maci asked, faking a shocked look. “You don’t hang on to every word that man of yours says? I never would have imagined.”

  “Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes and threw a sprinkle at her. “When I’m reading a book, all bets are off, and he knows that, so really it’s at his own risk if he wants to have a conversation while I’m devouring words I’ve waiting three plus months for.”

  “Ugh, your little nerd heart, I love it.” Maci laughed.

  “Don’t you mean big nerd heart?” I countered.

  “Here, here,” Sarah said, holding her hand up. “To big nerd hearts, may it bring you love and happiness for the rest of your days.”

  We all shared a look before laughing hysterically.

  “When are you going to take the hint that you don’t belong here?” Jason’s cold tone was like a bucket of cold water on our laughter, which halted as soon as he opened his mouth.

  “Aren’t we getting a little too old for this? We graduate soon, and still your favorite pastime is making my life a living hell,” I said, turning to stare up at him. “Newsflash, in case you haven’t heard, my life is already a living hell, so really you should just quit while you’re ahead.”

  He leaned in close to my face. I leaned away from him.

  “But making you squirm is just so much fun,” he said in a really creepy way that made me want to toss my perfectly good ice cream at him.

  “You’re a jerk, and you’re never going to change, but eventually if you keep biting me, I’m going to bite back.” I sneered, growing impatient the longer he stood there.