Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  He laughed, clearly amused at my threat, that probably wasn’t really a threat to him. “Yeah, I’d like to see you try. Part of what makes this so fun is that you just stand there and take whatever I throw your way.”

  I rolled my eyes and glanced at my two best friends, who looked as annoyed as I felt.

  When neither of us said anything, he just chuckled in amusement. “Have you talked to my cousin today?”

  “You mean my boyfriend?” I said proudly. “That’s really none of your business.”

  “Right,” he scoffed. “So, have you?”

  I sighed, annoyed. “I have, actually. Again, not that it’s any of your business.”

  “He seems to be having a good time,” he said, his smirk growing the longer we drew this out.

  I just stared at him, doing my best to look as uninterested as possible, which was easy because when it came to him I had little interest anyway.

  “You should give him a call, see what he’s up to, ya know like a good girlfriend would do.” When he said the word girlfriend, his tone turned mocking.

  Yeah, I really didn’t like him.

  I watched him walk away, wondering why he was being more insistent than usual. He was clearly baiting me, but with a hook like that, how could anyone not bite?

  “You’re not going to call him right now, are you?” Sarah asked.

  She looked worried and when I raised a brow in question, she and Maci shared a look.

  Maci sighed. “I don’t want what Jason insinuated to make you insecure about your relationship. You’re both in a solid place and for once, you’re genuinely happy without having to look over your shoulder in fear.”

  “We love this version of you, Day,” Sarah said with a small smile. “It’s one we rarely get to see, and we really want her to stay.”

  “I want her to stay, too,” I said softly. “It’s strange because I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy. I’m still waiting for something bad to happen. I mean, bad is all I’ve ever really known, as sad as that is. And this is my first time truly experiencing what it feels like to love and be loved and it’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt. Even if I lose it, I’m grateful to have just had it, if even for a little while.”

  “It amazes me that even after everything you’ve been through you still hold so much hope,” Maci said.

  “It’s because of you guys,” I said earnestly. “Living was hard, and I realize now that I was barely doing it at all. I was surviving, taking one day at a time, and I didn’t live my life the way I should have, the way I am now. I don’t feel broken anymore, I feel whole and safe, and it’s overwhelming. I want this feeling to last forever but I know it won’t because that isn’t how life works.”

  “But it can last, Day,” Sarah said. “I know it’s hard because your parents left marks that are unheard of, but the more you let go and try to live, actually live, then how can life not continue to be hopeful for you?”

  I sighed, tears blurring my vision. “Why are we a bunch of cheese balls? Can’t we go one hangout without having a heart-to-heart conversation?”

  Maci laughed, choking over her own tears. “I don’t think we’re capable of that.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think so, either.” Sarah laughed in agreement.

  We were emotional messes, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

  I shouldn’t have, I really shouldn’t have, but it was like my fingers had a mind of their own.

  Maci was out on a date and though she had invited me to go with, I declined. I wasn’t one to jump at the chance to crash a date, invited or not.

  So, instead, on a Saturday night after our girl day, I was calling Bren, who hadn’t tried to contact me after letting me know that he’d be busy.

  It wasn’t strange. I mean, we were good about giving each other space and I trusted him, but with Jason’s words playing on repeat in the forefront of my mind, there was no way I couldn’t call Bren. If anything, it would give me peace of mind and confirm what I already knew; that my boyfriend was trusting and I had nothing to worry about.

  I shook out my nerves and ignored the churning of my stomach.

  I pressed the phone to my ear and listened to it ring several times. With each one that passed, I grew a little more worried, but when I heard his voice on the other end, my whole being sagged in relief.

  “Hey baby,” Bren answered with a slight slur and a smile in his voice.

  “Baby?” I asked, laughing lightly. I couldn’t remember him ever using a pet name on me, not since we had grown more serious anyway. That should have been a red flag, but instead, I tried to have a conversation with him.

  “How was your day? Did you get a lot done?” I asked, realized how much I had missed him. We weren’t the clingy type of couple, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want him when he wasn’t near.

  I loved him—yeah, that was still weird—and I wanted to hold onto that feeling because despite my conversation with my best friends and their reassurances, I was still on edge.

  “It was good,” he said quickly. “How was yours?”

  His voice was muffled but the background noise on his end of the line was hard to ignore.

  “Is now a bad time?” I asked, disregarding his question.

  “No, I mean, yeah, but it’s okay, I missed you,” he said, lowering his voice an octave. “I love you, you know that, don’t you, Daysie?”

  “I do,” I said, sure and slightly confused. “Is everything okay? Where are you?”

  “I’m at a family party,” he said, clearing his throat.

  “A family party?” I echoed.

  “Yeah, it was a last-minute thing,” he tried to explain. “I meant to tell you about it but things just got so busy I forgot. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, I’m not mad or anything, I just missed you today is all.”

  He was quiet on the other end.

  “I ran into your cousin today,” I said. “Well, he walked up to me, actually.”

  “Did he say anything?”

  “Just if I had called you today.”

  “Is that why you’re calling?” He asked, an edge shifting his tone.

  “Sort of.” I admitted, slightly embarrassed.

  “Daysie, you don’t ever have to wonder about me or our relationship okay?”

  Before I could respond, a feminine, enthusiastic voice in the background said, “Come on, Brenton, you’re up.”

  “I’ll let you go, it sounds like you’re really busy over there.” My voice wavered but I hoped he wouldn’t comment on it.

  He had never given me a reason not to trust him, but Jason was in my head and doubt clouded my heart.

  “Daysie, I’m not going anywhere, okay? So, don’t let whatever thoughts you’re having right now upset you.” His voice softened. “I’ll stop by tonight if I can.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay.”

  We hung up, and I sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the bare wall in front of me. My hands trembled and tears leaked from my eyes. The weeks had caught up to me, and all I could do was let it happen until it passed.

  I was happy to be out of the toxic environment that surrounded my parents, but I also wished things were different. I wanted their reassurance that everything would be okay, but I would never get that. I thought I was okay with it, but I would need more time.

  I wiped my tears.

  I was okay. I was strong, and I was fighting. Life was worth it. It had to be. Otherwise, what was really the point?

  Well, I was still searching for that but as soon as I find it, I’ll let you know.

  “What are you doing?” I whisper yelled at a dripping wet Brenton Connors.

  An hour after we hung up, he had knocked on the front door asking for me. Somewhere between then and now it had started pouring rain, and I found it oddly appropriate.

  “I didn’t feel right about the way that conversation went, so I came here,” he said, shaking his head. Droplets of water flew in
every direction. I was grateful for the overhead protection of the front porch’s ceiling.

  I released a sigh. “I didn’t feel right about it either.”

  “I just needed a breather, Day,” he said softly. “From everything that’s been going on.”

  “Do you mean with me?” I asked, blinking back the burn building from behind my eyes. “You needed a breather from all of my… well, everything?”

  “Yeah,” he said, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s okay, I understand. Most days I need a breather from me and you’re the one I turn to, but I get it because who do you turn to? It makes sense that you pulled from me,” I said, shrugging like it was no big deal even though my heart was splitting in excruciatingly painful pieces. “It sucks, but I really can’t blame you, Bren.”

  “I care about you, Daysie. A lot. But sometimes I don’t know how to be here for you,” he said quietly.

  “Having you here is enough,” I said with a small smile. “I don’t really care how you do it as long as you’re around.”

  He was quiet for a several moments, almost like he was mulling over what he was going to say.

  “Bren?” I asked cautiously.

  “You’re so strong, Daysie, sometimes I don’t know how you do it,” he smiled and for the first time that night I was graced with his dimple.

  “So are you,” I said, pressing a kiss against his cheek. “Being with someone like me isn’t easy, but you accept my crazy life and work with it, and I love that so much.

  “I need you to know that I’ve meant every word I’ve ever shared with you.”

  “I do know that, of course I do.”

  “The next time I need a breather, I’ll be honest about it.” He promised.

  “It’s okay, Bren, it really is,” I said, shaking my head in understanding. “It’s overwhelming, loving someone like me. I can only imagine. It’s okay that you needed today. I mean it when I say that I won’t hold it against you.”

  He pulled my body against his and pressed his chin against my shoulder.

  “How are you so strong?” He asked.

  “Honestly? I have a list.” I admitted slowly.

  “A list?” He asked, pressing a soft kiss against the side of my neck and pulling away.

  “Yeah,” I said, taking a deep breath. “A list of reasons to live.”

  His eyes widened slightly before shining with what looked a lot like pride.

  “That’s amazing, Daysie. Wow.”

  I smiled, pressing my hands against his chest. “Well, you’re quickly moving to the top of that list, so thank you.”

  “For what?” He asked, his dimple sinking further into his cheek.

  “You’ve given me one more thing to live for, for my heart to beat for, and it’s not something I ever thought I would have.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I used to believe that I was too damaged to love, but you do love me, by some miracle, and even if I lose that someday, I won’t break because I’ll know that having that love was better than not having it at all. You saved my soul, Brenton Connors. When I was at risk of completely losing myself, you found every broken piece and put me back together.”

  His thumbs gently swiped at the tears falling from my eyes. “Daysie,” he said my name in wonderment. “This, right here, is one of many reasons why I love you.”

  “My cheesiness and newly found hopelessly romantic heart?” I joked.

  “No,” he said, laughing. “You’re honest, albeit a little cheesy.”

  I lightly smacked his shoulder and pressed my body against his. “Well, honesty is the best policy, isn’t it?”

  “You’re the best part of my day, Day.” He shook his head and laughed, pressing a kiss against my temple. “Get it?”

  “Yeah, I get it.” I laughed, shaking my head. “Bren, I really do hope you know it’s okay to take days for yourself. I don’t ever want you to feel guilty about that. My life is crazy, and I don’t fault you for needing some time to unwind.”

  “At the risk of sounding cheesy myself,” he said against my lips. “I really, really do love you.”

  “Yeah, well, I love you, too, so we’re good on that.”

  Relationships were weird, but at least we were okay.

  With so much hate in my world, Bren’s love was a rare bright spot, and I never wanted to lose that. But I meant what I said. If I ever did lose him, I wouldn’t break because even a shadow of his love would be enough to keep me going. He was a rarity, a genuine type of person, and I loved him.

  My life was intense, but it was mine, and things were finally falling into place. And honestly? It was more than I could have ever hoped for. I didn’t know what I needed until I had it, and now? Now I was going to live, and I was going to have a damn good time doing it.

  “Look at you, you’re practically glowing.” Maci pointed out from her side of the bed. “I’m assuming you and Bren are in a good place again?”

  “Yeah, I mean, we always were, but after that weird day, we’re back on track. Thankfully.”

  I filled Maci in on that night and though she had an opinion, she continued to remain supportive.

  “Good, I’d hate to break apart his pretty face,” she said in a sickly-sweet voice.

  I laughed at her threat, knowing she would hurt him if she ever needed to, and that visual alone was hilarious.

  “Okay, trying to imagine you clawing at Bren’s face or something is way funnier than it should be. I mean, can you imagine?”

  She shook her head and laughed. “I can, which is why I’m secretly hoping it never has to come to that. Just know that if needed I’ll do anything to protect you. Always.”

  “Same. I’d claw someone’s eyes out for you, no worries.”

  My phone buzzed from beside me and I looked at the screen to see four texts from my mother.

  Are you going to come get the rest of your stuff?

  Everyone thinks your father and I are horrible people. If only they knew.

  Can you come by tonight? I want to get started on making a guest bedroom. I can’t do that with your stuff there.

  I suppose I could always donate it to charity.

  I groaned, rolling my eyes. “My mother is the worst. She really is. I’m beginning to question whether she has a heart or not.”

  “What’s she saying now?”

  “She wants me to go over and pick up my things.”

  “Are you ready to go over there again?” She asked, worry lacing her voice.

  “It’s either that or have my stuff get tossed out,” I said, lifting a shoulder. “I’ll stop by sometime this week and hope she hasn’t set it all on fire.”

  I wasn’t thrilled about stepping back into that environment either, but really, what choice did I have?

  I silently prayed to whoever was listening that when I showed up, it would be painless—well, as close to painless as possible. I gripped onto that hope and let it comfort me, because in that moment, hope was what I needed, hope for something better and stronger than what I had already been given.

  “You heading out?” Maci asked, looking up from her phone.

  “Just for a quick run, and then I think I’ll probably stop by the house and pack the rest of my things,” I said, stretching my arms above my head before bending at the waist to stretch my legs. “What are your plans for the day?”

  “Definitely not to punish my body by exercising, that’s for sure.” Her nose scrunched up.

  I laughed. “It’s really not that bad. I mean, sure, it sucks when you lose momentum but it feels so good afterward.”

  “Does it, Day? That’s great, would you mind running for the both of us?”

  I threw a lone hanger at her. “Ha ha. One of these days, I’ll get you to join me, and you’re going to love it.”

  “Doubtful.” She paused. “So, since I know you only run when you have a lot going on in your head, is every
thing okay?”

  “Honestly? No.” I shook my head. “But things are as okay as they’re going to be right now, I guess. My life just sort of fell apart and even though the pieces are being put back together, thanks to my amazing support system, it’s going to take some time.”

  “I’m so proud of you,” Maci said with a smile from where she sat against the wall. “When most people would have sunk further after falling, you picked yourself up and continued fighting.”

  “It didn’t make sense to let the pain win, ya know?” I said with a sad smile. “Alright, I’m going now. I’ll be back… well, who knows.”

  “Yeah, yeah, call me if you need help with your stuff. I don’t feel right about you being in that house alone with those people. No offense.”

  “None taken. I don’t exactly want to enter that environment again. But, as tempted as I am to get new everything, it’s just easier if I get my things.”

  “I know.” She agreed. “But I am serious. Call me. Okay? I’ll be there.”

  “You always are, Mace.”

  I waved and headed downstairs, phone in hand, earbuds in, and started my run. I had done a decent job at concealing it but my body was constantly on edge, fear nearly crippling me when I did anything. I was raw from what my father had done and the lack of support shown by my mother. I was hurting. Always. All of the time. But I kept that pain to myself because I had already burdened everyone around me too much. I would get through this on my own because it’s what I had spent my whole life doing.

  I was halfway to the house when I spotted my third least favorite person on this entire planet—possibly universe. Jason was mowing his lawn, shirtless. Go figure. I rolled my eyes, my strokes slowing at the glare he directed my way.

  Well, we were due for a battle. It had been a few weeks too long apparently.

  “Daysie Flores, what an unpleasant surprise.”

  I pulled off my headphones and rolled my eyes. “When are you going to grow out of this -five-year-old bully stage you’ve been in? It’s getting old.”

  “When are you going to stop being pathetic and leave my cousin alone? That’s getting old,” he sneered back.