Here I'll Stay

by Dominique Laura

  I was alive. I was alive, and I was living.

  If someone had asked me a year and a half ago where I saw myself, I don’t think I would have ever said here, where I’m at now.

  Three years ago, I was ready to give up on life, to let the pain swallow me whole and the darkness take control. I hadn’t, and I’m so freaking glad for that. Giving up would have been easy, but I chose to fight, and till this day, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

  “Why are you doing this again?” Maci asked for the umpteenth time that day.

  “Because life is short and when you’ve lived a life like Daysie has, there’s no other way to live than one day at a time, and today? She wants to seal her future with her soulmate for good. I think it’s romantic.”

  Maci rolled her eyes at Sarah’s explanation, but I knew she was rallying for this day like everyone else filling the seats of the small chapel.

  “Bren gave my heart another human to beat for when I thought for sure all I’d ever have were you guys.” I said simply, cautious of my words. “Which wouldn’t have been a difficult thing to live with since you’re both the included in the better parts of me, but still, it’s hard to explain. I just know that this is what I’m supposed to be doing.”

  “Are you positive?” Maci asked, her eyes watering with tears. She had been crying all morning because of how proud she was. I knew her questioning was out of love more than anything else.

  I gave her a reassuring smile. “I’ve never been more sure of anything. Brenton brought a side of life I never in a million years thought I would live. It’s a side I never even knew existed, aside from fairy tales and urban legends or something.”

  “Okay, then let’s do this.”

  Sarah and Maci shared knowing smiles with one another, and what happened next was like something out of a movie. It was like I entered the sweetest of dreams and as I walked down the aisle to my future, the bad, the good, and everything else I had been through to get to this point suddenly felt worth it.

  There was maybe a total of ten people in that room, but it was perfect. I would have been happy had it just been the two of us, but the people in our lives who had rooted for us from the beginning wouldn’t have any of that.

  “Mrs. Connors, I get to spend the rest of my life with you, and I’m so effing happy I feel like the biggest sap on the planet.”

  I placed my hands on either side of Bren’s face and smiled, tears falling freely from my eyes for the hundredth time that day.

  “I know I’ve said this before, but even though I had Maci and Sarah and a few other people in my corner, you, Brenton Connors, made life worth living again,” I said, leaning forward to press my forehead against his. “Thank you for that. You came rushing into my life at the perfect time, and now we’re here. Life really is weird.”

  “Life is weird.” He agreed, locking his aqua blue eyes onto my deep brown ones. “And I get to spend the rest of mine with you.”

  “Forever never sounded so good, Mr. Connors.”

  “Right back at ya, Mrs. Connors.”

  I melted into his touch. Our hearts beat as one and our souls melded into one. I was in love, and the past that nearly ruined my life? I finally let it go. It was silly to credit one person for all the good in my life, and I wasn’t going to do that because I had a handful of people to thank for that, but one person held my heart while I held his, so he was a huge reason for the bright spots that had outnumbered the dark. I gave myself closure, knowing I wouldn’t get it from my parents, and I moved forward with my life, creating a family stronger than any genetics would have constructed.

  I had a lot of reasons to live, reasons that were big and small. Some reasons were grander than others, but most were simple, everyday things that made breathing a little more worth it. They were my reasons, and they kept me here, fighting and loving. It was magical, honestly, and I craved the feeling of love that came every time I came up with another reason to stay. It was a growing list, one I hoped would never have an end. It was a list I often flipped through because each reason was written in my journal with minimal to no explanations.

  “I have a gift for you,” Bren said, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “I thought we agreed on no wedding presents,” I said, narrowing my eyes on him.

  “Right, but this is technically more of an everyday gift, so it doesn’t count.”

  He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small box.

  “We just got married? Are you really going to propose again?” I asked jokingly.

  “You wish,” he said with a small, nervous smile. “This is something I’ve been sitting on for a while, and I figured that now is as good a time as ever to finally give it to you.”

  “I’m a little nervous now because of how nervous you sound. You don’t have to give me anything.”

  “I know, but I want to.”

  He gently placed it in my hands. I opened the box slowly and my heart sped its beating at what was inside.

  “Bren, it’s beautiful.”

  I sniffed back tears and slowly pulled the necklace from the box. It was a gold bar necklace with the words Here I’ll Stay engraved in cursive along the bottom right corner.

  “May I?” He asked, reaching for the necklace.

  I nodded and he took it from me, clasping it around my neck securely.

  I glanced down, running my thumb along the words.

  “I love it, and I love you. Thank you for rescuing me when you did.”

  “You never have to thank me for that, Daysie, because you saved me right back.”

  I soaked in his words, happier than I had ever been.

  This thing called life? It was definitely worth the fight.

  The Beginning

  This story is the hardest I’ve ever written. It also took me longer to write compared to my other books. My heart broke for Daysie and her situation. It also broke because I know how very real her story is for a lot of people around the world.

  Daysie’s story is one variation of many, but it’s hers, and though she might be a fictional character, she felt very real when I was telling her story.

  Daysie was never suicidal, but she did have suicidal thoughts. She found her reasons to live and those, even in her darkest hours, are what saved her life at the end of it all.

  Whatever you’re going through, if anything at all, I hope you find your own reasons and hold onto them always.

  Life can suck sometimes, but the rest of the time? It’s pretty great.

  Note: These reasons were submitted by readers via Facebook and a Google form. They are published as they were sent in, completely unedited but minus the emojis used, and credited based on their Facebook name or the name they requested be used.

  “My reason to stay was always a thought that someday i want kid or kids of my own, that was my biggest wish in life. Today my reason to stay, with everything what happened in my life is my daughter. She keeps me going, believing, trying and dreaming. She is my world.” – Jasmina

  “My son is my reason to stay, I want to be with him and watch him grow while being someone he can be proud of. I want him to see the strength there is in staying” – Amanda Lee

  “Because I am not going to be the one who killed my husbands wife, my mother's daughter, my step daughters step mom or my anyones best friend.” – Mary Dean Kazen

  “Before I gave up and proceeded with my divorce, my reason was stay was my kids. I could not fathom the thought of putting them through a divorce and having to split time with them. They are my everything. I stayed in a loveless and basicslly rooomate type of relationship with my exhusband for 6yrs until I couldn't take it anymore. Being in a mentally abusive relationship eventually breaks you down enough to wear you decide that the kids are old enough to take care of themselves and it is time for me to get out of this "marriage". I was with him for 18yrs, divorced almost 3yrs and as of last year custody went from 50/50 to me being the primary custodial parent.” – Arivanh Xayban
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  “My reason to stay is my kids. I will be there for them now matter what. They are the reason I stay” – Anonymous

  “My reason to stay is because I want to live more of life. See the world. Rescue some animals. Read books. Watch movies. Ride horses. There's so much unknown I need to know what living life to the fullest is like.” – Liv Moore

  “My reason to stay are my family, my friends and my dog. My reason to stay is this beautiful world this amazing nature that I want to see it. All these books I want to read and people I will meet…” – Maja Mlakar

  “My reason to stay is for my daughter, and fiance. For love. And for the little things in life. Some days can be bad, but there is almost always something, even something small (new episode from fav tv show, new movie, new book, new music, etc) that is so worth staying.” – Natasha Amber George

  “My reason to stay is myself. I owe it to myself to see what the universe has in store for me. I owe it to myself to spend time with my family, friends and boyfriend. I owe it to myself to share my story with others in hope that they know that they are not alone, there there are people who care about them and are there for them when they need to reach out. My reason to stay is myself.” – Crystal Lynn King

  “My reason to stay was thinking about my future and how I wanted to change it” – Astrid Carolina Pizarro

  “My reason to stay, ultimately, was because I got help. I admitted something was wrong. And it's okay to admit that. It's okay to admit you don't have it together. Once you can admit that, then you'll find new reasons to stay. I realized that if I left my siblings would live in a world where they thought that maybe dying was the only answer, so I stayed. I realized that I was only eighteen years old and I had more years ahead of than behind me, so I stayed. I had some amazing people who loved me and pulled me to my feet when I fell down, so I stayed. But after all was said and done, I stayed for me. I stayed because I was uniquely and wonderfully made and I had a story to tell.” – Brittany

  “My reason to stay are my family, my friends and my dog. My reason to stay is this beautiful world this amazing nature that I want to see it. All these books I want to read and people I will meet... I want to live. I want to be a part of this amazing world.” – Knjigoljubka

  “My kids. If it weren't for them I probably wouldn't be here today.” – Kim

  “All my life I've never felt like I was ever good enough for anyone or that anything I did was good enough. So I've definitely asked myself the question "why do I stay" and these are the things that I've told myself over the years. I want to say I stay for my kids because they are my life and have been for almost 25 years but I have to say that I stay for myself. I owe it to myself to value my life and know that I matter not only to my husband and kids but I matter in this world as a person and its a better world with me in it!” – Kelly Kline

  “My reason to stay is for my daughter, and fiance. For love. And for the little things in life. Some days can be bad, but there is almost always something, even something small (new episode from fav tv show, new movie, new book, new music, etc) that is so worth staying.” – Natasha

  “My husband and family and furbabies” – Jamie

  “My reason to stay was for my family. After I was molested between the ages of 12-13 I didn't know if I wanted to stay, but I did because my family would've lost me. Now I'm so happy I did. I've had 4 beautiful wonderful children, I'm happily married with step kids too now. I decided to stay for I knew something better was just around the corner!” – Myriah Barfuss

  I’m so incredibly thankful to every single person who has supported me throughout this new journey. It’s been a crazy year. I published my first book in April and since then it’s been a whole lot of fun. A special thanks goes out to the people below.

  Liv Moore — Ugh. You make this author thing a million times easier. You’re supportive, encouraging, and understanding, and I am so grateful for you. Nothing would be the same without you, and I am happy to call you a friend. BBBFL, always.

  Family — You know who you are, and you each know how special you are to me.

  Edna — My best friend, my sister, you support me through it all. I love you for that.

  Dom’s Reading Daisies, my reader group — You all are the absolute best. Your support has meant the absolute world.

  Brittany Webb, Kelly Kline, and Jamie Buck — You help me so much, I’m not sure I’d make it through any day without you. Thank you. Truly.

  Beta readers — There were a few of you and your eyes slash mind helped shape this story.

  Readers — None of this would be possible without you. You want my words and my stories, and I love receiving messages from you all. It keeps me going. I appreciate you.

  Trusting the Surface

  Trusting My Own Heart

  This Life Isn’t Mine

  Website: https://www.dominiquelaurawrites.wordpress.com

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