She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “You realize what you’ve just done?” A tear slips down my cheek when I try to blink away the tears.

  “Please, Lillia. I’m sorry. I can’t stand seeing you hurt this bad.” Aiden rushes towards me, trying to catch my arm. I put my hands up, stopping him. His hands drop like lead balloons by his side.

  “Leave me the hell alone, Aiden.” I storm away. I can’t be near him right now.

  Lying on the grass, I stare up at the sky, searching for a shooting star to wish that all of this was a bad dream. I notice a shadow loom over me. “Aiden, leave me alone.” I sigh. I’m still not calm from what he’s just done.

  “Do you remember all the constellations I taught you?” I sit up quickly at his voice. I turn and look at him. He’s as gorgeous as ever. His hands shoved in his jeans pockets, his Black Sabbath t-shirt stretched across his chest. My pussy begins to throb just looking at him. I look away from him and look up, trying to remember all the ones he taught me a while ago. If I’m honest, I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying; I was too busy staring into his eyes, watching his mouth move, wishing his lips were all over my body.

  “Draco.” I point towards the one that I do remember.

  He chuckles and sits beside me, leaning back on his arms. “You only remember that because of Harry Potter.”

  I shrug one shoulder. “At least I remembered one. Unlike you. Can you say a spell that’s from Harry Potter?”

  “Nope.” He shakes his head with a smile on his face.

  “You never listen. Such a guy.”

  “Such a nerd.” He shoulder bumps me and starts pointing and telling me the other constellations, but as ever, I watch his lips and the way his eyes light up when he talks about all things space.

  “Why architecture?” I blurt out. He stops talking and looks down and picks at the grass. “Why not astrophysics?”

  “I love drawing up plans and making people’s dreams come true.”I wish you would make mine come true and be with me. We share long intense eye contact, until I have to look away and make a lame joke.

  “You sound like you should work at Disney with that line.”

  He chuckles and looks at his watch. “We should get you back before Lennon sends out a search party and Aiden calls the cops on me.”

  I frown when I realize he hasn’t questioned what beef Jared has with me. Maybe he has moved on and he no longer wants me.

  Maybe he doesn’t love me after all.

  Tristan walks me back the apartment complex, and there’s an awkward goodbye. Not knowing whether to hug him or not, we say goodnight.

  “Lillia!” he shouts. I turn almost too eagerly. “I’ll see you later.” That’s it. That’s all he says.

  I nod and offer him a small smile. “Oh, Tristan,” I call after him, remembering I have to thank him for my present. Touching my neck, I finger the delicate white gold with multi-colored diamonds for the mane and tail of the unicorn. “Thank you for my gift.”

  “No problem.” He smiles and walks away.

  Words he spoke to me two years ago when he thought I was asleep come to the forefront of my mind. “You’re the rainbow shining bright after the storm in my head clears.”

  Now I know that that was all a lie, otherwise he would continue to want me in his life. I need to try and move on from him, from us. Even if it kills me. I have to.

  I can't believe I'm graduating today and I’m valedictorian.

  I give myself a final look in the mirror and go to meet Avery at the coffee shop on the edge of campus for some breakfast. She stayed at the guys’ apartment so I could write my valedictorian speech and practice.

  “You look gorgeous.” Avery beams as I walk over to her where she’s sitting at our favorite table by the window. We love to people watch and make up conversations for the people we see.

  I sit down to the coffee that’s waiting for me, along with a chocolate muffin. A huge smile pulls at my lips at the fact that she knows me so well. “I can’t believe it’s graduation day already. So much has happened in the past four years.” Avery gazes out into the growing crowd. “Lennon and me getting together; who would have seen that coming?”

  “You’re kidding, right? A blind man could see that you two wanted each other!” I giggle. “You two were just too damn stubborn to do anything about it.”

  “You can’t talk. What about you and Tristan?” She squeezes her eyes closed as soon as she realizes what she’s just said. “Shit, Lil. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  “Hey, it’s fine. I’m fine. Let’s just get going to the hall to get our gowns.” I wave her off, grabbing my bag, muffin, and coffee.

  “We can rip them off as soon as the ceremony is over.” Avery winks, trying to lighten the mood, linking her arm with mine. I laugh as we head into the building to get our gowns.

  “Name?” the lady asks.

  “Lillia Kennedy.” I smile. She hands me my gown and cap. As I turn to go find out where Avery went, I bump into someone. “Oh, God. I'm sorry.”

  “It's okay,” the deep voice says. The voice I haven't heard in a week. I look up into regretful blue eyes; the same eyes that have seen me through most of the bad things in my life. The same eyes that haunt me every night I try to get to sleep. Those beautiful blue orbs that I love and will probably only love in my life. Those same damn eyes that tore my heart out again and again.

  I round him without a word, run straight past Avery into the ladies’ room, and grip the sink so tight my knuckles turn white. I can feel tears burning my eyes and I look into the mirror before me. “You can do this! You are strong. You don't need him,” I say quietly, and take a deep cleansing breath before I leave the bathroom.

  “Hey, where did you run off to?” Avery asks.

  “Bathroom,” I say, with a small smile. She looks confused then looks to her left.

  “Nine o’clock,” she says into her glass of champagne.

  “Hey, baby.” Lennon kisses Avery's head. They've been dating for about a month, after months of them constantly staring then coming to me saying how much they like each other but they were worried. I told them to just give it a go. As long as they don't cheat on the other then it's fine by me.

  “Hey, Lillia.” Aiden smiles, kissing my cheek. Aiden came over a couple of days after Jared got arrested for drugs and explained why he called the cops. I gave him a few more hours of silent treatment before forgiving him. Turns out, he planted some drugs in Jared’s room at the frat house and gave the police a tip off. Where and how he got the drugs in there is still a mystery, and quite frankly, I don’t really want to know. I look over at Tristan and give him a small smile. I gulp down the remainder of my champagne and grab another.

  “Whoa. Don't want you drunk on that stage.” Lennon chuckles.

  “Nervous?” Tristan asks. I just nod and drain the glass. “You'll do great.” He offers me a small smile. My stomach flips and the butterflies start. I can't let him get to me.

  “Our little Lillia will do fantastic!” I turn and see my dad and mom and my older brother, Luke, with beaming smiles. I rush over to my parents and squeeze them tightly.

  “What's wrong, honey?” Mom asks me, looking over my face, her brows creasing. I shake my head, willing the tears to go away. “You sure?” She narrows her eyes. I nod, sure if I speak, all the emotions of the past three weeks will come crashing around me.

  “Do we need to kick someone's ass?” Luke asks seriously.

  “Luke, I'm sure Lennon has been looking out for her, as well as Aiden and Tristan.” My dad smiles. I roll my eyes at them all.

  “I don't need looking after.”

  “You do. You're the youngest, and not only that, but the only girl. Get used to it, little sis.” Lennon smirks, kissing me on the head.

  I groan. “I'm never gonna get married with you brutes around.” I sigh then look around and see Tristan looking down into his glass.

  “You will. They’ll just need to go through us first.” Luke winks.
/>   “Better get me a cat for my next birthday. I'll be an old cat lady,” I joke.

  “You're allergic to cats, sweetie,” Mom reminds me, offering me a sympathetic look.

  “Great. Not only will I not have a husband or a child, I can't even get a cat! Life of loneliness for me then.” I look down, shaking my head.

  “You have me.” Aiden smiles, throwing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to his side. I feel Tristan’s eyes on me; it feels like fire on my skin.

  “Yeah, right. You'll be married and having kids before we're thirty and you'll forget about me.” I pout.

  “I could never forget about you. I need someone to annoy.”

  I dig him in the ribs.

  “Miss Kennedy?” I look over towards the dean. “We need to take our seats.” He smiles at me and walks away.

  “Good luck, sweetie.” My mom hugs me.

  “We're so proud of you,” my mom gushes, hugging me tightly as I walk towards where they’re standing after collecting my diploma.

  “Thanks, Mom.” I smile.

  “Your speech was incredible.” My dad kisses my cheek. “You really have a way with words. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.”

  “Thanks.” I smile up at him. He's my hero; my number one guy. Both my parents are my role models; the kind all kids should have. They're loving, supportive, and never put any of us down. They are proud of us all equally. But most of all, they have shown us how to love. They're still in love after almost thirty-five years of marriage. It makes me want that with someone. Someone to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Someone who looks at me with nothing but love and admiration. Someone who turns to their friends with a big smile, pointing to me and saying, “Yeah, she's mine. That's my girl.”

  “Lillia!” I'm suddenly aware of Lennon snapping his fingers in front of me.

  “Huh?” I shake my head clear when an image of Tristan pops into my head.

  “Where'd you go?”

  “I was just thinking about what happens next.” I force a smile.

  “Well, what happens next, my sweet innocent little sister, is we party!”

  “Family meal first,” my dad reminds us.

  “But after that we party! Party like we've never partied before! Get totally smashed before we step foot into the big bad world.” Lennon puts his arm around my shoulders. I giggle at his excitement of getting drunk.

  “I'm not carrying you home.”

  “We'll carry each other home.”

  We arrive at an Italian restaurant just outside of campus. “So, have you got something lined up, like a job?” Luke asks as we eat our meal. He catches me off guard and I choke on my water.

  “You all right, honey?” My mom pats me on the back.

  “Um... yeah. I actually need to talk to you guys about that.” I look down.

  “You're not pregnant, are you?” My dad seems disappointed at the thought.

  “No.”

  “Well, you know you can tell us anything, right?”

  I look over to Lennon; he has the biggest smile on his face.

  I know they will support me whatever I choose to do, but it's Lennon I'm worried about. We have never been apart for any length of time. I think the longest we’ve been apart is a week when he went to football camp, and even then he didn't want to go without me.

  “I got a job,” I begin, and they all start congratulating me. I gulp down half of my champagne.

  “That's amazing news! Why were you so worried about telling us that?” Luke asks. I look up to everyone looking at me. My eyes land on Lennon’s smiling face. He seems to read my mind as the smile leaves his face.

  “You're moving,” he says.

  “Of course she's moving. She'll be moving back home.” My mom laughs. When I don't say anything, she looks at me. “You're not moving back home?”

  I shake my head. “No, Mom. I'm not. I'm moving to New York.”

  It's dead silent.

  “But that's hundreds of miles away,” she says.

  “Mom, it's a short plane ride. I will come home every other weekend.” I reach for her hand.

  “It won't be the same.” She sniffs, bringing her napkin up to wipe the tears from her eyes.

  “I thought you guys would support me in this.” I look around the table at the faces of my two brothers and my parents. “I thought you would be happy that I found a job I could love.”

  “We are, sweetheart. It’s just a shock because we assumed you would come home and find a job there,” my dad says, taking my hand. “Living back home with your mom and me and your brothers.”

  “No offence, Dad, but I need my own space.” I look up at him. “I need to find myself and try living on my own without relying on you and Mom for everything.”

  “We don’t mind, sweetie. We just love looking after you and your brothers,” Mom says.

  I love my mom. She’s my best friend, my confidante, and the one person I go to for advice on anything and everything. But after being on my own and living independently for four years, there’s no way I can go back to living with her and my dad and my brothers.

  “I know, Mom. Please just let me do this. I’m twenty-one years old. I can’t live with you guys forever.” I giggle. I look up into Mom’s eyes and see a hint of sadness at the thought of letting me go and be free. I start to feel bad about leaving but then Tristan’s face comes into my mind. I can't bear to be in the same city as him. I couldn't bear to see him with someone else; it would kill me. I know that sounds extreme, but he’s my first and probably my only love. I get these funny feelings whenever he’s near me. Everyone melts away when I see him. When he touches me, I feel like my skin is on fire. My heart rate spikes with a simple look.

  My dad brings me out of my daydream. “Your mom means well, sweetheart. You’re our baby and she still sees you as this little blonde curly-haired girl, relying on her for everything. Every tear she’s wiped, every time you’ve hurt, your mother hurts with you. She’ll always be like that, as with your brothers and me; we’ll continue to scare the boys away.” He winks at me.

  “I know, Dad. I just think I need to explore the world outside of the family. Am I scared? Yes. I’ve not been separated from Lennon for more than a week at a time. I’ve always had him with me. It’ll take some getting used to, but I think it’ll be good for him and for me. For us to be something other than the Kennedy twins.” I push my food around. The anxiety sets in that I’m leaving everyone I love behind. Lennon and I are really close. Just the thought of being separated from him is making me sweat and my heart pumps faster than normal.

  “Do you have a place to stay? I can put you in contact with a friend who lives in New York that you can stay with,” Luke suggests, as the waitress takes our plates away.

  “By friend, you mean an acquaintance of yours and live-in spy that you’ll have keep tabs on me?” I raise a questioning eyebrow at him. They think I don’t know that they’ll do everything in their power to get a daily report. “Avery's uncle is renting his apartment out to us.” I smile, thinking about the freedom.

  “Avery knew?” Lennon asks.

  “Yeah.” I swallow. He nods, pushing his half-eaten plate of food away from him, which isn’t like Lennon; he normally wolfs down his food.

  “Well, we're proud of the two of you. I can't believe my babies have all grown up and graduated.” Mom sniffs. “Next you'll all be married and having your own kids.” A tear falls down.

  “Aww, Mom. Don't worry. I'm not doing any of that any time soon.” I smile. “No one will touch me with these around.” I point to my brothers and dad.

  “Have you forgotten who scared Troy away?” Dad raises an amused eyebrow, looking towards Mom, who reaches for her wine.

  “Don't know what you're talking about,” she says innocently, sipping her wine. I laugh. “It was for your own good. I had seen him all over other girls like a rash.” It's true; Troy was the biggest man-slut in our school back home in Boston.

 
“Hey, where’d you go again?” Lennon asks.

  “Nowhere.” I smile a little. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” He nods. I know he's not.

  My parents and Luke left a little over an hour ago. Mom said she was happy for me chasing my dream job as an editor in New York, but it didn’t stop her from trying to convince me to reconsider. I’m sure she knows there’s more to my moving than I’m letting her in on. I’ll tell her, but right now, I want to enjoy my last night of college and celebrate a belated twenty-first birthday with my friends.

  “So, Lennon's in a weird mood,” Avery says, as we walk into the local student bar. Most of the graduates are here celebrating.

  “I told him I was moving with you to New York.”

  “Ah, that explains it.” She smiles.

  “And I didn't mean to get you into trouble with him. I kind of dropped you in it that you knew.” I scrunch up my nose.

  “He was a little pissed but I soon sorted that out.” She winks.

  “Ew. That's my brother!” I squeeze my eyes shut.

  “I have something to tell you.” She swallows.

  “Shit, that doesn't sound good.”

  “I got offered a better job in Boston.”

  I stare at her. “Wow, that’s amazing!” I squeal, hugging her tightly. I pull back and look at her, the prospect suddenly dawning on me. “Wait. That means you won't be moving to New York with me.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “It's okay. I guess I'll have to look for an apartment.”

  “Why? My uncle will still rent his apartment to you.” She smiles.

  “Really?”

  “Sure. I'm his favorite niece.” She winks. I giggle.

  “There's my best sister!” I hear Lennon shout over the loud music.

  “I'm your only sister, idiot!” I laugh, as he hugs me tight.

  “That's very true!” He chuckles.

  “I hear you're moving to the Big Apple?” Aiden raises his eyebrow.

  “I'm so sorry, Aiden!”

  “I guess we can have a few weekend nights out in New York!” He smiles.