She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  “Where are you going?” Avery bounces over with four shots of clear liquid.

  “I’m going home. I said one drink. I’ve had it. Now I’m leaving.” I hold up my glass, showing her the evidence.

  “But we just got here,” Avery whines. “Aiden isn’t even here yet.”

  “I don’t care. I’m leaving.” I zip up my jacket and head towards the exit I had been eyeing since we sat down, through the crowd, and eventually make it outside. I breathe in the fresh air and turn to walk home. I stumble when I come face to face with someone I’ve been avoiding for weeks. Dipping my head, I try to round him, but he steps in front of me.

  “Lillia.” He places his hand on my face. I try to move out of his reach but he catches my chin in his forefinger and thumb, making me look up into his stormy blue eyes. “I want you to know how I feel about you.” His lips move closer to mine, his breath brushing my lips, causing my skin to pebble. “You disgust me.” He sneers, backing me up into the alleyway. My heart rate spikes, panic setting in. “You think you’re some trophy girl that all men want when really you’re just a cock tease.” He pauses, looking me up and down, his mouth twisting like he’s smelled something foul. “You’re a whore.”

  “P…p…please.” His hand roams down my breastbone. I thank God that I opted to wear jeans and a hoodie. “Please, don’t,” I beg.

  “Aww, Lillia. You love this. You’re a whore. Whores like you don’t care how you get off, as long as you have a willing dick ready and waiting.” Tears trickle down my cheeks at the venomous words he’s spitting at me. “My cock has always been willing to fuck that tight pussy of yours,” he whispers in my ear, then nips my earlobe. He grinds his hardening length against me. “See? You’re hot for me.” I turn my head to the side, squeezing my eyes closed, pretending this isn’t happening. Pretending I’m in my room watching Liar, Liar, or reading a book. He starts chuckling and steps away from me. “As if I would go near you.” My eyes connect with his.

  “What?” I breathe out. “We…we already…” I swallow.

  “You think I would go near the pussy that was already tainted by Hunt?” Jared laughs. “I would never go anywhere near that. I found his Achilles heel and I had to keep playing it until I got him where I wanted him.” He takes a menacing step forward. “I thought I had him, but Daddy bailed him out as usual. I won’t stop until I ruin his life.” I feel a cool blade against my neck. My eyes widen impossibly big, my pulse beating rapidly.

  “Lillia?” Aiden. Thank God. Jared slips the blade up his sleeve, hiding it. “Are you okay?” Aiden steps forward.

  “This isn’t over,” Jared whispers into my ear. He straightens, turning on his heel. “Just catching up with little Lillia, making sure she’s all right and that your asshole of a brother hasn’t hurt her any more.” Jared walks towards him. When he’s past Aiden, he catches my gaze and lifts his index finger to his lips, signaling me to keep quiet.

  Aiden’s by my side before I can blink, touching my face and neck, checking me over. “Are you okay? What did he want?”

  “I’m fine, Aid. I just want to go home,” I rush out, looking up at him, pleading with him to take me home. Thankfully, he doesn’t question it, and slings his arm around my shoulder protectively.

  “Thank you,” I mutter, climbing onto my bed.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Aiden sits beside me. I look up at him from my lying position. “When I saw you with Jared, you looked petrified, Lillia. Don’t even think of trying to lie.”

  I need to tell him. He can protect Tristan. He can stop Tristan from doing something stupid. Swallowing past the lump of emotions, I sit up and hug my knees.

  “I never slept with Jared,” I whisper. “He started that rumor to goad Tristan into doing something stupid. He wants to ruin his life.” I risk a look at him. “He figured out that the one thing that would make him succeed in ruining his life was me. So Jared decided to keep talking about me like I was some trophy to be won. But when the trash talk didn’t work, he obviously decided to up his game and say he slept with me. You know what happened next.” A tear slips down my cheek, thinking about how he lost it that day. “Tristan was right. It’s my fault he almost got kicked out of college. It’s my fault he almost got a jail cell instead of graduating and starting that job he’s had lined up for two years at your uncle's surveyor company, designing dream homes for people.” A sob escapes my throat. “It’s all my fault.” Aiden pulls me to him and cradles me, comforting me like he always does, and lets me cry until I fall asleep.

  “It’s not your fault, Lillia,” he whispers into my hair.

  Waking up the next morning, I hear a loud heartbeat in my ear and feel an arm around me. My head is against a chest. Hope blooms when I think it's Tristan. That he came in the middle of the night and we’ll finally get to talk. All hope is dashed when I look up and see Aiden fast asleep, still in his clothes from last night. I hear my door creak open and a confused looking Avery opening and shutting her mouth, unsure of what to make of this scene. I peel myself off Aiden, causing him to stir a little, but he doesn’t wake. I pad towards the door and push Avery out.

  “Don’t.” I can feel the questions beginning to burn through her eyes.

  “Spill,” Avery demands as she places a cup of coffee in front of me.

  “There’s nothing to spill, Avery.” I sip on the steamy goodness. She raises her eyebrow at me and narrows her brown eyes on me. “Stop looking at me like that.”

  “Like what? Do you ever think what it would be like if you and Aiden hit it off and not Tristan?” She catches me off guard with that question. I choke on my mouthful of coffee.

  “What?” I splutter, wiping the dripping liquid down my chin away with a napkin.

  “Have you thought about you and Aiden?” she repeats. “You guys are perfect for each other. You like the same things. Think of all the role-playing you could do using those books you read.” My face flames thinking about the time Tristan and I acted out a scene from Fifty Shades Darker one night. I was down about my older cousin Abigail going missing. I was reading, trying to think of anything other than Abbie being out there all alone and not bugging my Dad, asking if there was any news, when he came over to see if I was okay. As usual, one thing led to another. He asked if there was something juicy in the book. He flipped through the pages and found a scene that I had just read and was so turned on. It involved a ruler and a desk; that’s all I’m saying.

  “No, Avery. No, I haven’t.” I sigh, eventually answering her, trying to get the replaying scene out of my head. That’s a lie. I have thought about how much simpler my life would be with Aiden. We’re the same. We love the same things and we have a ton of stuff in common. But I don’t want safe, reliable, and having a lot of stuff in common. I want edgy, rough, different opinions and interests.

  I want Tristan.

  I stand in the shower after another grueling football practice. The last practice before the final game. The last game we will ever have before graduation. Jared was trying to goad me once again, trying everything he possibly could to lull me into kicking the shit out of him again. Boy must have a fucking death wish. I tried my best to keep calm. Aiden was there to keep me in line, along with Lennon and Avery. The one person that would normally keep me calm wasn’t there, and probably won’t be at the game either. I asked Lennon how their birthday had gone and said I was sorry I had missed it, but I didn’t want to ruin their birthday by being there. He mentioned that Lillia left about five minutes after they had arrived. She still hasn’t opened any gifts she received either. It upsets me that she’s hurting so much but I know it’s for the best that we keep our distance. Leaning my head against the tiles of the shower, I squeeze my eyes closed. Just thinking about her in any sort of pain, a pain that I’ve caused, crushes my blackened heart. I hope in time she will see that I’m doing this for her. As much as it pains us both, it’s for the best. I keep repeating the words in my head.

  After my shower, I lay in my bed,
staring at the gift bag containing Lillia’s birthday gift. I fear it may combust into a ball of flames. Aiden offered to take it over to her, but I declined, trying to pluck up the courage to give it to her myself. “Stop being a stubborn asshole.” I run my fingers through my hair. I need to go talk to her. Grabbing the gift bag, I make my way out the door and head towards the girls’ apartment.

  “Hey, Tris.” Avery greets me on my way over. “Where are you going?”

  “I need to talk to Lillia.”

  I need to do this. We need to talk and clear the air before we go our separate ways. A huge smile pulls at her lips but I can also see the concern on her face. She’s worried about her best friend. She doesn’t want her to get hurt any more and neither do I. Which is why this will be the last time I ever think of her as anything other than a friend.

  Before I knock on the door, I hear muffled voices. It can’t be Lennon or Aiden; they’re both at our apartment with Avery, having a movie night.

  “Jared!” Lillia’s voice gasps. My heart races. This was a mistake. Jared’s groans are muffled slightly. My nose flares, breathing becoming erratic, my muscles bunched up tighter than a nun’s pussy. I can feel the white hot rage becoming harder and harder to cool down, so before I kick down the door, I turn and walk away, dropping the gift, and head to the campus gym to work out my frustrations and pretend the punching bag is Jared’s face.

  “Tristan?” Avery frowns when I walk in.

  I’d stayed in the gym for about three hours and I’m still as angry as ever. It didn’t help that Jared’s crowd were in there, working out at the same time as me. They mentioned how Jared was with Lillia and how they would love to have a piece of her. I wanted to rip them limb from limb. My hands fist at my sides. I feel a delicate hand on my forearm. I look at it and then into Avery’s worried big brown eyes. “Do I need to wake Lennon up?” Her voice is quiet. She’s scared. Scared I’ll snap and go crazy on her.

  I shake my head, walk to my bedroom, and lock the door behind me, sliding down the door with my head in my hands. I place my head on my knees, overcome with emotions, anger turning to heartbreak in the blink of an eye. I don’t know how I’ll come back from this, but I have to. One thing I know for sure, Lillia is in my heart and soul for the rest of my life. Even in death, she will forever hold my heart, and my soul will forever be searching for her.

  Match day. My head isn’t in the game. I keep looking over at the stands, hoping to see Lillia standing there with Aiden and Avery. But it’s useless. Lennon said she isn’t coming; she never leaves the apartment nowadays.

  “Hunt!” Coach yells. He grabs my helmet, his eyes ablaze with anger. “Get your head in the game! Get whatever girl you keep looking at the stands for out of your head!” Spit flies out of his mouth, spraying me. “We need to win this game and it’s all on you and Walter!” I look at Jared’s smug face.

  “Yes, sir,” I grind out. He pushes my helmet and me back to the game.

  “Tristan, come on. Let’s do this!” Lennon fist bumps me.

  “Lillia says hi, by the way,” Jared jibes. I grind my teeth together so hard I think they might crack under the pressure.

  “Walter, mention my sister one more time and I will knock you on your ass,” Lennon shouts. “Let’s win this.”

  As the game goes on, we’re still losing by three points. Looking over the benches one more time, I see her. She has my New England Patriots hoodie on. A smile tugs on my lips at the fact she still wears my hoodies, even though we haven’t spoken for weeks. Then Jared cursing brings me out of my daze. “HUNT!”

  The ball comes flying in my direction. Catching it, I make a run for it, plowing through the opposing team, and throw the ball down for a touchdown. The whole field erupts into cheers and whistles. Lennon bear hugs me and the rest of the team lifts me up like I’m their king. My eyes drift over to where Aiden, Avery, and Lillia are standing. Our eyes lock, and for a split second, the happiness and the light she brings into my life brightens. Then I see Jared approach her and he plants a kiss on her lips. I can almost feel the rage from Aiden from here, and the confusion on Avery’s face as she looks over at me.

  “What the fuck?” Lennon hisses as the team places me down. My eyes are firmly glued on them. Lillia looks stiff and almost like she doesn’t want him anywhere near her. I can tell this from experience. I want to scream to Aiden and tell him she doesn’t want this, but then maybe she does, and she just doesn’t want any PDA. Lillia isn’t like that.

  “Looks like Jared won tonight.” Kacey sneers, walking past us.

  That’s the final nail in the coffin. Tristan and Lillia are dead and buried, never to see the light of day again. There never was a Tristan and Lillia. Maybe not officially, but we were something, even if we didn’t know it. Now, it will never be.

  “What the fuck is going on, Lillia?” Lennon storms into my room. All I’ve done since I came home is cry. Again. Tristan’s happy face when he saw me in the stands before he made the winning touchdown, only for it to turn to what could only be described as his heart being crushed - believe me, I know the look; I’ve worn it often - when Jared kissed me in front of the whole campus. My fingers run over the unicorn necklace Tristan had gotten me for my birthday. When Jared came over a couple of nights ago, he threatened me again, and said if I said anything to anyone then he would kill me. It may have been an empty threat but I couldn’t take that risk, no matter how much I want this pain to go away. The pain of thinking about my family losing me at the hands of that monster is much greater, Tristan being at the forefront of my mind when I have a play by play of what my death might cause him to do. I just have to do what Jared wants for another week and I’ll be gone and away from him forever. When Jared left, I noticed a gift bag dropped on the hall floor. I picked it up to see who it was for and take it to them, but then I saw my name on the label. Lilly. There’s only one person who calls me that; Tristan.

  Lennon sits opposite me on my window seat. “Jared? Really, Lillia?” He sighs. I can’t look at him. “Lils? Is he threatening you?” My eyes snap up to look at him, my breathing becoming ragged. “Please, as your brother, I’m begging you to tell me what’s going on.” For the first time since our grandpa’s funeral, tears form in his eyes. I have to tell him everything. So I do. Every detail.

  “I’ll kill him!” Lennon seethes. “I’ll kill the son of a bitch!”

  “No, Lennon. Please. This…” I swallow, standing in front of him, stopping him pacing. “This has to stay between us.”

  “We need to do something. Tell the dean or something. He can’t get away with this!”

  “We only have one more week of school and I’ll be far away from him.” He tilts his head to the side, his mouth turning into a frown. “Please, Len. Please say you won’t do anything.”

  He nods silently, clearly unhappy about my demand.

  Sirens and flashing blue lights wake me from an uneasy sleep. With bleary eyes, I look out of my window to see what’s going on. What I see shocks me to the core. Throwing on my sneakers, I sprint to the scene of the action. I come to stand between Lennon and Tristan. My arm brushes against Tristan’s, causing a million butterflies to swarm in the pit of my stomach and the hair on my arms to stand on end. I glance up and see his eyes fixed on me. Tearing my eyes away from his intense gaze, I return my attention to what’s going on. Jared in handcuffs, struggling against the officers pushing him down the steps from the frat house.

  “Get your pig, donut-eating hands the fuck off me!” Jared shouts. The officer actually smirks at him. I wouldn’t mind if he handcuffed me.

  “Me either,” Avery whispers in my ear. I look at her; she’s biting her lip and has a mischievous glint in her eye. Shit. I said that out loud.

  “Jared Walter, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used in a court of law.” Officer Hotness reads him his right. Jared rears his head back and spits in his face. “We can add the assault of an officer to the list of crimes you�
�ve committed already.”

  “You haven’t got shit on me.”

  “We’ll see.”

  Jared’s eyes lock onto mine. If looks could kill, I would be lying on the ground in a pool of my own blood right now. “You!” He growls. “You fucking whore. You fucking did this. You wait. Wait until I get out of here! You’re dead!” he roars at me as the officer pushes him with brute force into the back of the police car. “DEAD!” he screams, before the door slams closed. My eyes snap away from the car driving out of sight.

  “What the fuck did you do?” I snap at Lennon. The crowd has since dispersed. No doubt it’ll be the talk of the whole campus tomorrow, speculating what he was arrested for and what I had to do with it.

  “Me?” He places his hand on his heart, eyes wide open, shocked that I’m accusing him of telling the police.

  “Yes, you.” I poke my finger into his chest. “You’re telling me that all of this is just a crazy coincidence? Jared getting arrested not even a day after I confided in you?” I push him again. I can tell he’s getting angry the more I push him. Well, fuck him. I’m pissed that I told him what’s going on, asked him to not say anything, but he did it anyway. “I trusted you. You’re my brother. I thought you would respect my wishes!”

  “I didn’t call the cops, Lillia. And that’s the God’s honest truth.”

  “Whatever, Lennon. Just stay the hell away from me for the rest of the school year.” I shake my head in disbelief. There’s no way this is just a coincidence. I start walking away.

  “He didn’t call the cops.” I halt in my tracks and turn slowly. “Lennon had nothing to do with this. I called them.” My vision blurs as I look at my best friend. “I couldn’t stand the way he made you bend to his every whim. Lord knows you’ve been through enough hurt the past few weeks as it is without adding that pussy to it.”