Sins of Sevin

by Penelope Ward

  “My truth?”

  “Yes. No lies to protect anyone, just the unbridled truth. Can you do that for me, even if just for tonight?”

  A teardrop fell down my cheek as I whispered, “Yes.”

  He stepped back away from me a bit. He was breathtaking with his broad chest exposed in that open plaid shirt. His inky black hair was wet from the rain. My insides were bustling with need. Unable to control my body’s reaction to him, being here alone with Sevin felt like a very dangerous predicament. I couldn’t help wanting to touch him, and that scared me.

  His voice startled me. “First question. Are you really planning to marry him?”

  After hesitating, I said, “I think so.”

  “That’s not really an answer. Give me a yes or no.”

  “That’s the truth. I’m planning to, but I’m not a hundred percent sure I can follow through with it.”

  “Because you don’t really want it.”

  “I want to get married.”

  “You don’t want him.” He moved in closer, his voice more demanding. “Tell me the goddamn truth.”

  Reminding myself of my vow not to lie, I admitted, “I don’t really want him. But I need him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s going to hurt me to stay here. And he’s my ticket out.”

  Now that was definitely the truth.

  He took two more steps toward me, causing goosebumps to form on my arms. “When we were in the barn that night and you listed your hopes and dreams, you told me that you wanted to experience love.”

  I nodded and whispered, “Yes.”

  “I thought I was incapable of that.” He paused. “But I think I might be experiencing something very close to it…with you.”

  What he’d just admitted was a total shock. Even though he remained silent, Sevin seemed overcome with emotion. He expected those words no more than I did.

  He continued, “Tell me I’m not crazy, because I think you feel the same way.”

  I do.

  I finally spoke, “You’re not crazy. That’s why I have to leave. These feelings aren’t going away, so I have to go away…because I can’t have you.”

  “Look at me. Can’t you fucking see that you already do?”

  “What?”

  “You have me, Evangeline. You. No one else. From the moment we met, it’s been you.”

  “We can’t be together.”

  “I don’t want to hurt Elle, either. That’s the last thing I want, but I can’t control this.”

  “I don’t think you understand, Sevin. That doesn’t matter. You and I will never have a future. Number one, my father…he’d kill you. There is nothing in this world more precious to him than Elle, and if you hurt her, he’d destroy you. But more than that, I can’t betray my sister. She loves you so much.”

  “She thinks she loves me. She doesn’t know me, not like you do. I know I made a promise to her and your father that I fully intended to keep, but I am so confused. The only thing I’m sure of anymore is that I can’t shake my feelings for you. Lord knows, I’ve tried.”

  “Try harder. Please. We have to. I refuse to hurt her.”

  “I refuse to hurt you,” he snapped. “My being with her is hurting you.”

  “Don’t worry about me.”

  “Don’t worry about you? You’re gonna let him take you back to Missouri, away from Addy, away from your family, all because you’re running away from me. I should be the one leaving town if that’s the case.”

  “Don’t you say that, Sevin. This is your home. This is your future. You deserve this opportunity.”

  “I’ve seriously thought about leaving and going back to Oklahoma.”

  The thought of him disappearing altogether and my never seeing him again was even more upsetting than the thought of him marrying Elle. Knowing he’d be part of my family forever was a bittersweet solace. It was really screwed up, but it was true.

  “Do you want me, Evangeline? Forget about how you think you should respond to that question. Please. I need to hear you say it.” My face was burning up as he moved in closer. “Please.”

  “I want you.”

  He closed his eyes and opened them. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

  “Not everything we want is good for us.”

  “Don’t you dare try to say that you wouldn’t be good for me. If our life circumstances were different, you’d be fucking perfect for me, and you know it.”

  “Where is this conversation going? What are you asking of me, Sevin?”

  “I don’t know. Right now…nothing. I just needed to know the truth. I’m so sick and tired of pretending…trying to hide this.”

  “Well, I told you my truth. It just doesn’t change anything.”

  “You want to know my truth?”

  “Yes.”

  His eyes were burning into mine. “You’re my truth. Everything else is a lie.”

  The winds intensified, shaking the basement walls. The sounds of metal and debris flying around outside put me on edge. Something hit the basement window hard, and I instinctively jumped into Sevin’s arms. He held me there for a while. Breathing in his smell, the physical need for him felt unbearable.

  The warmth of his breath against my ear caused my nipples to harden when he said, “It feels so good to hold you.”

  “It’s wrong.”

  “Then why haven’t you pulled away?”

  I couldn’t answer that. In my head, I had somehow justified allowing it because of the storm. But even when the winds eventually calmed down, that didn’t stop me from staying nestled in his arms, telling myself that this was the first and only time I would ever experience it.

  That was the first of many lies I would tell myself when it came to justifying my actions with Sevin.

  ***

  The next morning, my family returned to the house. Daddy apparently packed their car and drove everyone back early as soon as the rain stopped so that he could assess the damage. The tornado never made a direct hit on us, but there were countless downed trees and power lines. Much to his dismay, there was also some damage to the new shed that he and Sevin had only just built.

  “Thank the good Lord you’re okay, Evangeline,” Mama said, pulling me into her.

  “I really panicked when the lights went out. You know how I am about the dark. Thankfully, Sevin came to check on me and stayed until the storm passed.”

  Elle’s eyes held an inquisitive yet upsettingly serious look. “You were with Sevin?” Tilting her head, she said, “He didn’t mention that when I called him from the road.”

  My stomach dropped. Why hadn’t he said anything?

  Thinking quickly, I said, “Sevin was really helpful. He helped me stay calm when the blackout happened. I don’t know that I would have survived it otherwise.”

  I prayed I didn’t look as guilty as I felt. I hoped the expression on my face didn’t say, “Yeah, he held me tightly until the storm passed. I had to beg him to go back to his place before morning because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to resist kissing him.”

  “That’s a good man you have there, Elle,” Mama interjected.

  “He is. I’m glad he was here so that you didn’t have to go through that alone.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  Sensing that something was still bothering Elle, I asked, “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything is fine,” she replied quickly.

  Maybe it was just my own paranoia causing me to wonder whether Elle was bothered by the fact that Sevin never mentioned to her that we were together during the storm.

  ***

  Later that afternoon, there was a knock on my bedroom door. Elle entered before I told her it was okay to come in.

  “You got a minute?” she asked.

  “Of course. What’s going on?”

  “I need to talk to you about Sevin.”

  My heart was palpitating. “What about him?”

  “Something isn’t r
ight between us, and I need to fix it.”

  Inwardly freaking out and patting the bed, I scooted over. “Come sit next to me.”

  Elle hopped on my bed and slid closer to me as she leaned her back against my upholstered headboard. “I think that Sevin might be having some doubts about the marriage.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “For one, he hasn’t given me a ring.”

  “The wedding date has been set. Maybe he’s just waiting to give it to you that day?”

  “I don’t know. I remember before he moved to Dodge City when we were doing the long distance thing, he said something about planning to buy me a ring once he got out here, but he hasn’t followed through or even mentioned it.”

  “I think you’re overthinking it. I mean, a date has been set. I’m sure he is going to get a ring.”

  “I know what his hesitation is.”

  Dread was starting to set in. I braced myself. “What?”

  “Why would you marry someone if you haven’t tried the goods?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “People assume I’m so naïve. As much as I try to be good, I’m not stupid. Look at him. I know he’s not a virgin. I know he’s been with girls. I think he even tried to confess it to me one time, but I honestly don’t want to know.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “I really think that he’s just not used to having to wait like this. To be honest, I’m really starting to grow impatient, too. We’re engaged. We should be able to do certain things.”

  “What exactly are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I want to give myself to him.”

  My heart started to race. “Don’t you think you’re rushing into things? You’re getting married in a few months. What’s the difference?”

  “The difference is…I’m not sure Sevin is fully comfortable committing to me without knowing whether we connect well in that area. I don’t think anyone has ever made him wait like this, and I think it’s taking a toll on him and making him doubt us.”

  “So, you’re going to start having sex with him?”

  “Well, maybe not instantly. But I want to let him know that I’m open to letting him try things, giving up control of my body to him.”

  A rush of adrenaline hit me. “Have you tried anything up until now?”

  “Not aside from the kiss.”

  Relief.

  “You feel like you’re ready for this?”

  “What’s the difference? I’m going to be marrying him soon anyway. Mama and Daddy would kill me if they knew I was considering breaking the rules, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them. It’s more important for me to keep Sevin happy at this point. That has to be my number one priority. I don’t want to lose him.”

  A battle between good and evil ensued within me: the good sister versus the jealous sister. “I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting this from you. You’ve been so diligent about sticking to the rules. This is just a little bit of a shock.”

  “I just want your support and honesty. Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

  Breathing in and out, I said, “I think you need to do what you feel you have to.”

  “Are you going to stick to the rules with Callum?”

  “I haven’t thought about it. It’s too soon.”

  “He’s a really nice guy, Evangeline.”

  “Yeah. He is.”

  “Just think…this time next year, you and I will both be married. Who knows, maybe even a baby on the way.”

  “Who? Me?”

  “Or me.” She smiled.

  I felt sick.

  “You want kids that soon?”

  Elle looked truly surprised. “You don’t?”

  “No. I feel like I’d need more time to enjoy married life first. Kids are a big responsibility, and once you have them, that’s it; there’s no going back.”

  “I can’t wait to be pregnant with his baby. Our kids are gonna be beautiful if they look anything like him with that bone structure, olive skin and dark hair.”

  Unable to listen to any more of this, I suddenly got up.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. All this talk of marriage and babies…I’m just not there yet, Elle.”

  “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sure Callum will understand if you want to take things slowly.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about my decision.”

  ***

  I never joined my family for dinner that night. Making up a fake illness, I stayed in my room and ruminated in my intense state of jealousy. I didn’t know what came over me. Sevin and Elle’s imminent marriage meant that their having sex was inevitable. Deep down, I’d known that but had apparently been in denial.

  The hope was always that I’d be able to get myself out of this obsession with Sevin before the wedding. Now that Elle was planning to take things to another level with him sooner—at any given moment—I would have no time to adjust, no time to get over my feelings before that happened.

  The mere idea of them having sex made me sick. It was starting to really become clear that this reaction wasn’t going to just magically go away in a matter of months. Panic started to set in. My first thought was that I needed to stop things between them from happening. I was so disappointed in myself for even thinking so selfishly.

  The entire night, I tossed and turned, attempting to block out unwanted images of them naked together. My time alone with Sevin in the basement kept replaying in my mind, too. He’d laid everything out on the line.

  He’d told me he thought he might be falling in love with me.

  This situation had become more serious than I ever imagined.

  I needed to talk to someone, and there was only one person I could trust.

  ***

  The next day, I snuck out of work and rode my bike to Addy’s. She was in the garage in the middle of rotating a set of tires when I walked in. The smell of grease was always oddly like home to me.

  She wiped her hands on her navy mechanic’s jumpsuit. “Vangie, I didn’t know you were coming by so early in the day.”

  “I’m supposed to be working at the plant. I have to get back soon, but I really needed to talk to you.”

  “It’s almost lunchtime anyway. Let’s head inside the house.”

  Addy made us sandwiches. We ate together as I recalled everything from what happened during the storm to my conversation with Elle.

  “I’d always worried that it was gonna come to this,” she said, taking our plates away.

  “Tell me what you mean.”

  “From the moment you walked in here after first meeting him on the road, I was afraid this connection you two have would turn out to be stronger than either of you could handle under the circumstances.”

  “I thought I could control it.”

  She returned to the table and grabbed both of my hands in hers. There was a long pause while she looked me straight in the eyes. “You love him.”

  Letting go of her and burying my face in my palms, I said, “I don’t know.”

  “You love him, Vangie.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because you would never choose this pain in a million years if you didn’t. It’s just like my being gay. Why would a woman choose to put herself in a situation that might mean being ostracized? You would never want to hurt your sister or be disowned by your family. The fact that you can’t shake this despite that is the very proof that you love him.”

  What she said made so much sense.

  “I would never choose this.”

  “You can’t choose love. It chooses you, and once that happens, it doesn’t let go. You can pretend it’s not there, but when you try, it only fights harder…louder…until you finally get the message and give in.”

  My lips were trembling. “Please tell me what to do.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do, honey. What I can te
ll you is that you need to pick a side and stick with it. This middle ground purgatory you’re in right now has to end. You need to make a decision to either come clean to Elle about Sevin, tell her what’s been going on and be prepared to suffer the consequences, or you stay away from him altogether. You can’t keep living this way.”

  “When you say stay away from him…you mean move away?”

  “As much as I don’t ever want to see you go, I do agree that given the situation, you won’t be able to live here if he marries your sister. I don’t believe your feelings are going to change. I know you, Vangie. That scenario would be pure torture. I don’t want you to have to suffer, seeing her with him every day. There’s a reason for the old saying ‘out of sight, out of mind.’”

  “I’m so afraid.”

  “What are you afraid of most?”

  “Hurting my sister.”

  “Then maybe that’s a hint as to which direction you need to go. You shouldn’t make this decision alone.”

  “You think I need to talk to Sevin?”

  “Yes. I do. I don’t think it should wait.”

  ***

  I couldn’t sleep at all. In the middle of the night, I got up and peeked into Elle’s room to make sure she was fast asleep. I couldn’t risk this being one of the nights that she planned to sneak over to Sevin’s, too.

  When I was sure everyone was out like a light, I quietly tiptoed out of the main house. Still in my nightgown, my entire body was shaking because at that moment, I had no idea what was going to happen. I just knew it was necessary to take Addy’s advice and settle this thing with Sevin once and for all.

  Unlike the only other night I showed up at his door this late, there were no lights on at the guesthouse this time. He must have been sleeping. I wasn’t sure how to wake him up. I grabbed a small rock and threw it at his window. The main house was far enough so that the noise wouldn’t wake anyone there.

  On the second try, a light went on in his bedroom. He appeared, looking painfully handsome. He was shirtless, and his hair was unruly from sleep. “Evangeline?” he asked groggily.

  I spoke up into his window. “We need to talk.”